by Nella Tyler
I didn't want to get involved with any guys! I'd have enough of men to last me a lifetime! While I certainly couldn't deny Ben’s charisma and his sexual prowess, and I had enjoyed my time with him in the Jacuzzi, I was torn between regretting not being able to remember what we did in his bed and what could've happened. Every step I took reminded me of the soreness I felt between my legs. My breasts ached, too, is if they had been squeezed, caressed, and sucked on all night.
Crap.
I don’t know how long it took me to get home, because I totally lost track of time. My thoughts were still spinning; my stomach was upset, my headache growing worse by the minute. I finally reached a bus stop and took the bus back toward town until I became more familiar with the landmarks. When I saw an approaching bus stop that wasn't too far from my apartment, I got out and walked the rest of the way home. The trip seemed to take forever, although it couldn't have been more than a half an hour or so. All I wanted to do was get back home, take a shower, and climb into my own bed and fall asleep. I didn't have to work today, either, and was feeling proud of myself for not letting him know that I also had today off, too. Heaven knows what might have happened then. Knowing me and my drunken stupor, I might still be lying in his bed next to him and then we’d have enjoyed round…round…whatever.
By the time I got to my apartment, the aching and pounding in my head had me groaning. I quickly made my way to the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet, and yanked out the bottle of aspirin. I took four, washed them down with a glass of water, and then peeled off my clothes. I turned on the shower, but before climbing in, I turned around to look at myself in the large mirror attached to the back of my bathroom door. My eyes widened in surprise.
I had hickies on my breasts and one very low down on my neck, over my shoulder blade. I saw two on my thighs, one each high up near my groin. Oh my God. Thank goodness none of them would show when I had some clothes on. I saw areas of not quite a rash, but reddened skin on my upper thighs, right where my legs met, probably from the stubble on his cheeks. Oh my God…what had we done? The evidence was obvious, but I didn’t want to even think about it. Every muscle in my body felt sore, used, and, I had to admit, pleasured.
As I climbed into the shower and allowed the warm water to wash over me, I began to relax. My tight nerves released somewhat, and the warm water pouring over my scalp did wonders for my headache. I just stood there under the water, my arms leaning against the tiled walls of a shower stall, trying to remember, and then sort of wishing that I wouldn't. At the moment, I had nothing to worry about because try as I might, I remembered nothing past venturing up the stairs of his massive, gorgeous estate mansion to a bedroom…the bedroom I had woken up in not too long ago.
Even though I couldn't remember what had happened, I wondered if Ben would. What would I do the next time I saw him? How was I supposed to react? I suppose I would have to wait until I saw how he reacted. Maybe I hadn't pleased him. Maybe… Well, it would do no good to worry about it. After several minutes of standing under the shower, I finally turned off the water, barely managed to towel myself dry, left my hair dripping wet, and stumbled my way to my bed. Climbing in between the sheets, I fell into a deep and dreamless slumber.
Chapter 5
When I woke up and glanced at the time on my iPhone, I saw it was midafternoon. I felt only slightly better. My stomach grumbled and I realized I hadn't had anything to eat since yesterday afternoon. Coupled with the wine, my stomach was in a topsy-turvy. My head didn't pound so badly, but the bright afternoon sunlight still made me squint. I climbed out of bed, took some more aspirin, and then slipped on a pair of linen pants and a loose T-shirt. I made my way to the kitchen to brew some coffee and make myself a sandwich.
I carried the phone with me, and after my coffee started brewing and I took a closer look, I saw a number of messages. Accessing the text messages, I saw that a few were from Ben, and I had one from Savannah. I had told her I was going out with him, just in case, for safety's sake, you know. Someone had to know I was going out with him. What if something had happened? It wasn't like I was paranoid or anything, but it was Atlantic City and I saw enough television to know that even the most innocent of people hid dark secrets.
I accessed Savannah's message, which had been left after I had returned home and fallen asleep in my own bed. How'd it go?
I didn't feel like talking, so I just texted her back a quick message. Went fine. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. You have the evening shift with me, don't you?
In moments, she texted back with a smiley face. Yes! Can't wait to hear all the juicy details! You're so lucky!
I wasn't so sure about that. After all, I just didn't trust men anymore, not even Ben. I couldn’t help it. I didn't know if such an attitude was normal or healthy, but I couldn't help how I felt. I was sure that every guy I dated would end up breaking my heart. Besides, what did I have to offer someone like Ben? I was probably just a plaything, a distraction. He might've asked me out just because all his other women friends or hookups were busy doing something else.
It wasn't like I didn't have any self-esteem. I did. But I was a realist. My body was okay, my face was okay, but seriously, I didn't have anything to offer a relationship with someone like Ben. I wasn't being self-deprecating, but I didn't have a college education. I was a Blackjack dealer, for crying out loud. I worked for minimum wage. I drove an old car, lived in one of the cheapest yet safest apartment complexes I could find, and that was my life.
I didn't hobnob in his circles. I didn't have spare time to while away my time. In fact, yesterday afternoon and evening was the first time in I can't remember how many months that I had just bummed around.
Even though I had a great afternoon and evening, and albeit the slightly hazy time with Ben after those drinks in the Jacuzzi, I still couldn't trust him completely. No, I hadn't woken up in bed bruised, tied up, or anything like that, but at the same time, I had been drunk. I didn't know if he had been, but if he had known that I was drunk, should he have done whatever we had done together? I wasn't sure about that. I certainly didn't feel comfortable about losing control the way I had, either. I didn't think I could ever lose control like that, and I certainly didn't want a repeat performance.
After all, I was more than a body. While I had been reluctant to share too many facts about my background, I had told him about my ugly divorce, the fact that my ex-husband had cheated on me, and that; quite truthfully, I was suspicious and wary of any man, including him. He knew that. So it wasn’t like I was leading him on or anything.
I didn't respond to any of the messages Ben had left me because I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say. I didn't call him, either, because I didn't want to seem too forward. He had sent me a couple of text messages: one to make sure I had gotten home okay; the other to tell me that he had had a great time. Nothing more, nothing less.
After a couple of pieces of toast and two cups of coffee I began to feel more alive. I decided to give Savannah a call. She answered on the first ring.
"Spill!" she squealed.
So, I spent the next fifteen minutes or so telling her everything…well, mostly everything that Ben and I had done yesterday. Of course, I didn't tell her that I was suspicious that perhaps, just perhaps, he counted cards, but I did tell her that I didn't think I would be seeing him again.
"But why not?" she asked, dismayed.
I told her the same things that I had been thinking myself. What kind of a lopsided relationship would it be? What did I have to offer Ben beside my body?
"So, what's the matter with just sex?" Savannah wanted to know. "It doesn't have to mean anything, you know, Maggie. Why don’t you just loosen up and have some fun once in a while? You've earned it. You work your ass off. You should allow a guy to pamper you a little bit. My God, those chocolates were fantastic. The wine was exquisite. Don't tell me you didn't enjoy having him wine and dine you, or making out in a Jacuzzi in a fancy mansion."
"I did enjoy it, or
at least, I think I did," I admitted. I could only be honest with myself. "I'm just not sure I want to repeat it. I'm comfortable with my life right now, and yes I do work hard and I don't get enough breaks, but I'm not a gold digger, either."
"That's neither here nor there," she scoffed. "The truth is you've got a guy who's attracted to you. He's not asking you to marry him, Maggie. He just wants to hang out with you, spend some money, and enjoy himself. Have some mind-blowing sex! What's the big deal?"
What was the big deal, I thought. The big deal was that I wasn't that kind of a person. I wasn't looking for just a good time. If I got involved with a guy, and that was doubtful based on my history, I wanted it to be more than just about sex or about what he could give me. If I ever, ever got into another relationship, I wanted to feel as if I were a partner, a true partner. I could never compete with Ben, not financially, not in style, not in material belongings. I was intelligent enough, but again, it all came down to the fact that we lived in different worlds and traveled in different circles.
I worked a minimum wage job and he blew through money like it grew on trees. What did we have in common? I had to think about that, and I said as much to Savannah. She didn't agree with me, but I was sticking to my guns. With a sigh of disappointment, she told me that she was going shopping and asked if I wanted to come along. I told her I'd rather just hang out and relax at my apartment, as my head was still killing me and I still wasn't feeling that well.
I spent the rest of the afternoon just lounging around, nursing my headache, feeding my upset stomach a bit at a time, and watching TV. I did some good old-fashioned channel- surfing and ended up dozing once in a while. By the time evening rolled around, I was feeling a lot better. I was nervous about going back to work tomorrow. I had the noon shift, so I would probably get off around eight or nine o'clock tomorrow evening. I wondered if I would be gone by the time Ben showed up. As far as I knew, he didn't know my hours this week. He usually showed up closer to midnight. I wasn't quite sure why, but I wouldn't mind not seeing him for a day or two.
It wasn't as if I really regretted what I had done, although deep inside I think I did, but because I had no idea what I would say to him. Thanks for the lay? Thanks for the sex? Thanks for getting me drunk? Seriously! What the hell was I going to say to him, especially when I couldn’t remember what we had done after we’d left the Jacuzzi!
*
By the time I started my shift the following day I was feeling much better. Because I was working the afternoon shift today, which I had taken from one of the other girls who was on a brief vacation, I felt more relaxed, knowing that I probably wouldn't bump into Ben. If I did, it would be close to the end of my shift. To my surprise, he strolled into the casino around six o'clock that evening, a good two hours before my shift ended. How did he know I would be working? Or did he? Maybe he was just coming into play… No, he paused inside the door, briefly glanced around, saw me at my table, and headed right over.
He wore a grin on his face, and I nodded in greeting as he sat down. I felt the heat of a blush travel into my cheeks as he flashed a smile. Damn those white teeth of his. He made small talk with the other players at the table, but it wasn’t really busy right now. I was kind of glad, although I would receive fewer tips. By the time I got off shift at around eight-thirty, I thought he would probably stick around like he usually did.
To my surprise, after I transferred the table to the next dealer at the end of my shift, he gathered his chips, cashed out, and was waiting at the front door by the time I prepared to leave. I didn't really want to talk to him, but he followed me out.
"You okay, Maggie?"
I glanced at him over my shoulder, acting as if I were in a hurry to get to my car. "Sure, why wouldn't I be?" He tried to reach for my hand, but I acted like I was shifting my purse from one hand to the other, halting his movement. He had a look on his face that I couldn't quite define. I should probably get this over and done with once and for all.
"Maggie-"
I turned and paused. "Ben, I had a good time with you, really I did, but to be honest, I don't think I want to-"
"I was surprised that you left without waking me up," he interrupted.
I thought fast. "You were sleeping so soundly that I didn't want to wake you. I'm sorry, but…" I shrugged, not wanting to sound lame. "Look, Ben, like I said, I had a nice time. Some of it's kind of fuzzy, I have to admit, but I think I should let you know that I'm really not interested in a relationship, at least, not at this point in my life." He looked rather disappointed, but it could be that I was misinterpreting his expression.
"We did agree on no strings, didn't we?" he asked.
"Yes but-"
"So what's the matter with just having some fun? Hanging out a little? The sex was great, don't you think?"
I felt another heat of a blush travel up into my cheeks. I couldn't lie about that. I smiled. "The sex was great, Ben, but I'm just not comfortable with…well, I've never been the kind of girl that just goes out with a guy for sex."
He said nothing, but continued to stare at me, as if analyzing what I had said. For some reason, I felt compelled to fill the silence. "Ben, I told you what happened with my ex-husband, right?"
He nodded. "Not all men are like that, Maggie," he finally said. "Are you going to tell me that you plan on staying single for the rest of your life? You're what, in your early twenties? That's an awful long time to spend all by yourself, isn’t it?"
It did sound rather silly once he put it into words. "I'm just not ready-"
"No strings, Maggie, remember?"
I sighed. Trying to get him to understand was difficult. I don't know whether he was trying to be deliberately obtuse or if I just wasn't making myself clear. "Like I said Ben, I had a nice time, and I thank you for it. But you should know that I'm not looking for anything – not a relationship, not even a few one-night stands. Not to mention that it would be a very difficult for me to continue being your regular dealer if I was going out with you.” I paused. “And to be honest, if I had to choose between you and being a dealer, at this time in my life, I have to choose my job. If the pit bosses or anybody had an inkling that we had gone out last night, I could lose my job. You know that, don't you?"
He didn't say anything and I continued, "I think it's just better if we didn't go out again, okay? It's nothing personal. I'm just not ready, and to be honest, Ben, I need my job."
Again, he was silent, but finally, he shrugged. "I understand, Maggie, no big deal. Don't worry about it. No hard feelings."
With that, he turned and walked away.
Chapter 6
The minute, no, the very second that Ben turned and began to walk away, I regretted my words. Then, after another second or two of thought, I told myself I had done the right thing. Hadn't I? It was true, I didn't want a relationship, with anybody, but damn, Ben was so handsome, charming, and rich. He could give a girl anything she desired. In exchange for a good time, and without demanding a relationship at that, I bet he would give me just about everything I asked for.
But I wasn't that kind of a girl. I wasn't a prostitute. I was a Blackjack dealer. I wasn't a mistress, I wasn't a kept woman, and I certainly wasn't a gold digger. Call me stupid, but that's just the way it was. Even taking advantage of his charm and his money for a little while was wrong in my book. If I didn't have feelings for a guy, I had no business going out with him.
As I walked to my car, I thought about that. Did I have feelings for Ben? I think I did, a little. We’d had fun, but it had been one casual lunch date that, thanks to the wine, had turned into a night of mind-blowing sex, or at least, what I could remember of it. Other than that, I didn't know much about him other than what we had talked about at the restaurant. We didn't have a history. We hadn’t made plans to date on a regular basis, or even hinted at any such thing. As far as I knew, Ben could've had a wife somewhere, kids, whatever.
Sighing with disappointment over the way my life kept turning out
, I made my way to my car. Nothing was easy anymore. Up until the point when I got married, I had looked at life through rose-colored glasses. I had been naïve, yes, but I had also been in love and full of trust. I wondered if I would ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I hoped so because I knew that this wasn't a good way to live. At the same time, I had to guard my heart. It'd taken me months to recover from the initial shock of what my husband had done to me. It'd taken months after that to get through the anger, and then the grief.
Ending a relationship, whether you were the one that did it or someone else, was like losing a loved one to death. I had to go through a grieving process, just like a spouse went through the grieving process at the death of a loved one. It was all relative, wasn't it? The degree to which people felt pain, distrust, misery, or felt sorry for themselves – we were all different and we reacted to the end of a relationship differently.
When I thought about Savannah, I knew that she was someone who bounced back easier than I ever would. She had endured a few bad relationships but she still put herself out there, hoped for her Prince Charming to come along someday. She took what she could get when she could get it and then when her relationships ended, she shrugged it off and moved on.
I couldn't do that. My heart still hurt. It had hurt since I had discovered my husband in bed that day. It might have been over two years ago now, but when I thought about it, it still felt like yesterday. The plain, blunt truth of the matter was that I knew Ben was a player – or at least, it seemed that way. While I hadn't exactly seen him flirting or coming onto any of the other dealers on my shift, I didn't know what he did during the rest of his days. I only saw him for a few hours every night. He seemed to like me, and I appreciated that. It boosted my confidence and my self-esteem that I was still able to attract someone from the opposite sex.
