by Love Belvin
“Whoa shit…” I whispered.
“Nice language, Blue,” Asia sassed.
“What’s wrong?” Wanda asked.
I shook my head, mentally doing the same. “This says my loan is paid off. They need to quit before people take them to court when they stop paying,” my tone was dry, but mind boggled.
“Oh, that’s why Van wanted your account information?”
“What?” My face tightened again.
“A couple of weeks ago, he had me go by his place and get some of your old mail. I ain’t think nothing of it ‘cause I knew y’all pay each other’s bills. He had me drop it off to some guy in the Starbucks downstairs. That’s how I knew where this place was when I told you I’d drop the mail off.”
“Guy?” I asked. “What guy?”
“Some light skinned kid with a fade.” She shrugged. “Pretty boy.”
That sounded like Jashon. He called last night on assignment from Raj. Why Jashon? He was an assistant’s assistant.
“Daaaaamn,” she hummed. Wanda sights sailed around the kitchen. “Is every room black and white? This is nice shit…” she murmured.
“Pretty much,” I whispered just as low as her, but my mind was on what the hell was happening.
“I ain’t even know Jersey City was popping like this!” Wanda continued as I slipped into my own thoughts of what I’d just discovered. “I remember when I used to come out here with ya daddy, Junior.” Junior? That name gave me pause. It wasn’t a name or reference I heard often. I fought to school my expression. “He used to love some damn JC girls! They lived in decent houses bigger than ours. But nothing like this fancy building. Shoot! Maybe I should be looking over here for a place. Well, not this. I can’t afford this!”
Her phone rang, mercifully interrupting her. Wanda stood to answer and walked across the room. I left to grab my laptop. When I came back, I logged onto my account.
You’re shittin’ me…
My online account reflected a zero balance, too. Did they send this acknowledgment electronically? No. I hadn’t received a thing from them, I reminded myself. As Wanda chatted secretively on the phone and Asia engaged her device, I thought hard. Wanda said bills. Van knew my credit card information, too. He’d paid on that often because much of it was his charges for the kids, babies’ mothers, and their homes and cars.
That’s when I went to my MasterCard account and saw there was a zero balance there, too. Next, I went to my Visa. Paid in full, too!
“Oh, my God,” I breathed, holding my chest.
“You okay?” Asia asked.
I nodded, out of breath.
Who paid this?
That answer should have been obvious. Van had no money to pay this off. The only way he could have would have been through illegal means. That fool knew I’d cut his balls off for that. This had to be—
“Your husband ain’t here?” Asia asked.
Something about her tone and delivery told me she felt a way about the concept of me having a husband she didn’t know. And that was likely why she was restrained this evening.
I shook my head. “He’s at his other place, out west. Sparta.”
“Never heard of that.” She twisted her lips.
“I wouldn’t think you have.”
“Y’all mad at each other?”
“Why you ask that?”
“Because he shouldn’t be in another place while you living here.”
My face folded. “Why do you think I live her—” I caught myself asking a stupid ass question.
Asia was eight years old. She came over to the place where I was dressed in hot yoga shorts, a tank with no bra underneath, and ankle socks. Why wouldn’t she assume this was my home?
“I think you made him mad.”
My head dropped to the side. “Why?”
“‘Cause you ain’t even like boyfriends. Remember? And girls who don’t like boyfriends don’t get husbands. You told me it was hard to bypass one step to get to the other.”
My mouth dropped at that. Kids remembered the damnedest things. I did say that to her the night I told her I quit my job.
“You know, I really talk to you too much.” My eyes closed and I whispered to myself, “That’s not healthy.”
“What’s not?”
I shook it out of my head. “Nothing.” Swallowing hard, I took a deep breath. “It’s complicated, but there is an order to dating; you’re right. Because when you miss a step, you can screw up the whole thing.”
“Did you and Ragee skip a step?” I hardly believed Asia was following me.
But she tried. She always tried.
“Lots of them. He reminded me yesterday when he said some mean things and dropped me off here while he went his own way.” I shrugged.
“I think he loves you.” Her expression was deadpan.
What did this little girl know about love?
But I entertained her. I always entertained Miss Asia. “Why do you think that?” my tone was doubtful.
Her little head twisted as her eyes perused the plush, state of the art kitchen. “Because he dropped you off here, at his place. He didn’t get mad, cuss you out then kick you out like my daddy did my mommy,” she whispered the last part. “You don’t get mad and kick people out if you love them.”
My heart tore. Asia’s parents fought a lot. As strange as I found her father, I didn’t think him to be cruel. Van and I analyzed that a lot over the years while they rode the breakup to make up ride. They were hard lovers, but she was right. It was cold of him to throw his child and her mother out. Maybe Asia only understood what a child could when it came to relationships between adults.
“Asia, couples say ugly things to each other lots. That’s why they’re called fights. You toss words to hurt. It’s wrong, but not unheard of.”
“Then why you still mad at your husband? You said he said mean things to you yesterday.” She shook her head in a “duh” manner. “At least, he didn’t kick you out. He brought you to a fancy place.”
I slapped my face, feeling like I walked right into that. “I say a lot of crap I shouldn’t.”
“So do Ragee.”
My eyes opened to find her catatonic expression. Asia reminded me of her old soul, which was why I’d been so drawn to her. When she widened my line of vision beyond just my bootleg ass relationship, she had a point. What Raj and I had was pretend, unlike Wanda and her daughter’s father. They chose each other and still couldn’t get it right. Ragee and I were forced together under unusual circumstances and he could have easily decided to terminate our agreement and send me off broke and packing. Instead, he paid off my debt?
If he did it.
Who else would—could?
And he gave me full rein of his luxury apartment.
I was still angry, still felt betrayed about him leaving me the way he did before Arizona. There were so many unanswered questions.
“Wrap that back up if you’re gonna finish it later.” Wanda popped up at the table. “We have to go, baby. MaMa fussing about her Pick 6.” She rolled her eyes. As she went for her jacket, she sighed. “Let me go get these numbers before the store close and all hell break loose in Garfield.”
After wrapping up what was left of Asia’s food, I walked them out, promising to hang out with Asia more. She needed an occasional break from being underneath an overwhelmed mother all the time. I missed hanging out with her.
When I made it back into the living room with my laptop under my arm, I gazed at my phone lying on the coffee table where I left it earlier. I needed to call Raj. He could explain why he arranged to have my bills taken to Jashon. Why was my business put out there like that?
That’s when it hit me. Van!
“You good with that, baby girl. I thought you knew. I’ll holla at you in a couple of days.”
He’d hinted over to it earlier. They’d been in touch. Since when did Van and Raj communicate? Instantly, I was pissed as fuck I couldn’t call Van for these answers. I had to cal
l him. My eyes didn’t move from my phone as I approached it. I grabbed it from the table. But I paused. Did I really want to reach out to him after his fucking bravado yesterday?
I decided to go for it and tapped to call him. The phone rang a few times before an automated voice mail sounded. At the beep, I sighed before thinking it was best to not leave a message.
I hung up.
My eyes opened to total darkness. The silence of the room rang harshly in my ears. My mouth was crazy dry, and I was thirsty, but still strong. Lifting my face from the floor, I straightened my spine and rolled my neck. I didn’t know how long I’d been at it this time. When I reached for my phone, it lit brightly with the time.
Four hours.
Day two…
Briefly, I scrolled through the notifications for emergencies, though I doubted there would be many. I had thought of that beforehand. My thumb scrolled and scrolled with things that weren’t important. When I got to Wynter’s name, my heart began to beat faster. The temptation to hit her back was strong. But my will had to be stronger.
I caught a blue dot next to Ezra’s name.
Ezra: I haven’t heard from you in days. The song is on rotation on all the stations, I see. That turnaround is pretty astounding. On another note, I feel a tug in my spirit. Please contact me when you’re available.
I moved down the dozens of new texts to see if there was anything from Jashon. When I saw there were none, I hit the sleep button, turned the phone on its face, and slid it away.
Against hearing my stomach growl, I swung my body down, stretched my arms out, and when my face touched the floor again, I began to pour out.
I ran in place while watching one of her soap operas on the floor model screen. I was so engrossed, I forgot what I was doing.
“Girl, you’re like the energizer bunny! I’m getting tired just looking at you.”
I browsed over to her and smiled affectionately. “Grandma, you’re tired because you’re on a treadmill,” I pointed out as she walked at a mild speed right next to me.
She shook her head. “You’re gonna stay skinny, keep it up. I used to be small like that. Your mother, too. I don’t know what them Williams’ genes are like, but even without them being tiny, you’re going to be. Keep it up.”
“She’s going to make a man very happy, too,” my grandfather’s jovial tenor startled me.
Before I could react, he was kissing me on the forehead. Next, he leaned over the treadmill bar and kissed my grandmother square on the lips. I began my run again with a jog before speeding up the pace.
“Oh, what are you talking about, old man?” She playfully pouted.
My grandfather wiggled his fingers on my head, gripping my scalp. He then winked at his wife.
“She’ll never tire of pleasing her husband like her grandmother does me.”
My grandmother’s fair skin reddened like cherries at the cheeks. I didn’t exactly know what my grandfather meant, but knew it was gross. They always carried on like this. We were an affectionate and loving family. I was used to it. The confidence I had at such a young age didn’t come from my mother. It came from her parents, loving me and constantly speaking candidly around me, making me feel a part.
I was hardly interested in boys. It wasn’t a topic they shoved down my throat, but one they didn’t shy away from.
“Well, in that case, it’s true.” My grandmother gave a firm nod then closed her eyes briefly as she held on to the front bars of the machine.
My grandfather laughed with merriment.
Then at my ear he whispered, “Not until he makes your legs shake.”
My brows met. I had no idea what that meant and didn’t give it further thought. While he walked away and into the kitchen, I continued enjoying my day off from school, next to my favorite lady on the planet.
“Look at those legs go!” she cheered. “Keep it up, sweetheart!”
And I did just that as my legs burned.
Now, my thighs were burning as I counted down my last minute and twenty-two seconds on the elliptical. My legs ached from my workout yesterday, but I pushed through it today. I loved the after pain of working out. That memory of my grandmother came to me as I twisted and turned in bed this morning. It was that recollection that propelled me to get my ass up and get back at it today. She was onto something. I enjoyed being active. I got off on being physical. The mountain hike in Arizona thrilled me, though it was a mild pace. But if I were alone, I’d have shot up the rock at high speed—or as fast as my legs would take me.
Since beginning this weight loss journey, it evolved into something more. Fitness. It was the physical aspect that intrigued me and fulfilled a deep ache I never knew I had. After much thought over the past few weeks, I realized the fitness portion was a part of my frenzied attraction to Ragee. He was virile, strong, and active. I’d caught glimpses of him working out before we could stand a civil conversation with each other, but that night I saw him box solidified my attraction to him.
I groaned to myself. Thinking about that man kicked off my anxiety. It had been two days since I called him, and I still hadn’t heard from Raj. No, I didn’t leave a message, but I was sure he saw I’d called. I needed to know about this student loans and credit cards payoff. I was technically a debt-free woman…other than what I owed him for helping me with Van and my budding music career. Besides, how long would he keep me here. I was now his “direct employee.” What did I have to do to keep up with this charade?
When I saw my time was up, I snapped out of my thoughts and stopped the clock on the elliptical. Out of breath, I gingerly stepped off, catching the New York City skyline from the glass floor to ceiling wall ahead. Man, it was nice up here. This gym wasn’t as big or loaded as the one in Sparta, but Raj lived on top of the world here.
My phone pinging caught my attention. I let go of a long breath when I saw Reign’s name. Knowing it was about MaMa, I answered.
“Yes,”
“So, you answer her calls and not mine?” A deeper timbre than Reign’s challenged.
I felt my face harden. “Why are you calling me from her phone?”
“Because you don’t answer from mine. You won’t even text back!”
“That’s because you have no reason to call me!”
“See! You be on that bullshit, Wynter. Why you holding on to shit?”
“Holding on to shit?” I grabbed my forehead, still panting, sweating all over, and now becoming lightheaded from this call. “I’m not the one holding on to shit. I closed a door. You keep fucking knocking!”
“You being stubborn as hell. Why can’t we just be cool? I don’t get that shit. Everybody moved on except for you.”
“Sheldon, I haven’t read the manual for what to do when your ex-boyfriend fucks your family—the family closest to you—yet, but I’m quite confident it covers losing contact with that ex. You made your choice; Reign did, too. Three times!” I jabbed about their children. “In case you need to hear it officially; I’m fucking over it, so don’t fucking call me!”
His menacing chuckle had me positioning my thumb over the end call button.
“I know shit got a lil wild for us back then. But what’s done is done. I’m still in the family—”
I scoffed, “Let’s make one thing clear: you are not in my family. Maybe—”
“My kids is. And you need to get with that shit.”
“Can you give me one logical reason I should?”
“Because like now, Wynter, we gotta do this party for Van. MaMa said you was taking care of it and she wanna barbeque. I’m hitting you up to say I got the grill. I can work that.”
My shoulders sunk. This was crazy…sick. It was exactly as I’d thought. Sheldon had no real reason to call me. And his announcement instantly soured my desire to participate in the party. It reminded me of the sick perpetuation of his toxic existence in the family. It brought back the deep sense of betrayal I felt when I learned of his affair with Reign. The way the family responded… C
rickets. No one defended me. No one spared Reign. MaMa I got, but I felt the family at large should have been up in arms. No one protected her. No one stuck up for me.
And when I got my first job in the social work field, I saw how relative yet minor my family’s actions were. I’d met men with sexual deviant stories causing terror in my sleep for days. But they all involved one thing: secrets. No one speaking up on behalf of the victim. Now, while I didn’t consider myself a victim with Sheldon, as our relationship was one-hundred-percent consensual, what he did with Reign was a different story. It also highlighted his predatory undertones in our affair. And no one said shit! With me, I understood. But with Reign, it was a downright travesty.
I recalled Van apologizing the other day, and while I was still confused about why, I never forgot his stance. Sheldon was not exterminated. He was still here with access to us all. Perhaps my escape from my old world these past seven months had provided clearer lenses. Maybe my level of stress with my current world didn’t leave me much patience for the trash in my old. Whatever it was, this felt so wrong.
As I stood, facing the service elevator that would lead me down into the apartment, my mouth hung agape. And a revelation was dropped upon me.
I didn’t have to take this shit anymore.
“Don’t ever call me again. I’m blocking your number and Reign’s to be sure of it.” And I tapped to end the call.
It took a few moments for me to collect myself, but when I did, I felt different. I felt stronger and settled. Finally, I moved for the elevator. On my way down, I realized although I hadn’t been in love with him, for so many years, the issue of Sheldon was a huge weight on my heart. Not because I wanted to be with him, but because it reminded me how alone I was, even in my family. Van was so much, but when it came to Sheldon, I felt like I had no one in life to protect me.
And for the first time in my life, I was hit with a barrage of emotions that had built behind a weakening levee, and I sobbed. By the time I made it into the apartment, I was a blubbering mess. I cried, barreled over the kitchen counter. I didn’t fight the weak emotion, I allowed it. And when I was done, I felt more drained, but not an ounce of regret for it. I grabbed a few paper towels to dry my face and blow the rest of my yesterday out. Then I hobbled my way out of the kitchen and down the hall for a needed shower.
