Though the more she concentrated on Elvira’s assumed loveliness, the more she became uncomfortable and paranoid. Elvira is a possessed demon! She began to wonder if Elvira was playing some sort of evil trick on her by disguising herself as a beautiful fairy godmother, while in reality she was simply a horrific demonic blob of hate. “Are you sure the only thing you put in these brownies was marijuana?”
Elvira scowled at her in irritation as she turned up the trill bird-like music on the car radio. “I told you it was marijuana—didn’t I? What, are you stupid or something?”
“Of course I’m not stupid. I just feel really strange is all.” It seemed as if birds were chirping frantically all around her.
“It’s marijuana.”
Barbey’s paranoia intensified as Elvira seemingly transformed into a dark shadowy figure like a shadow man. “You’re a liar!” she screamed. “I hate you! You’re evil and I hate you!”
Elvira’s eyes widened in surprise as she looked pensively at Barbey. “Are you ok?” Her voice softened. “Don’t flip out on me.”
“Don’t come near me,” Barbey screamed edging her body against the car door. “How could you just treat me like I’m trash.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m a human being and I deserve respect, you evil vampire.” She wagged her finger at her as she said, her voice quivering, “I gave you my entire being and you used me. How could you destroy my life and then just throw me out like trash? You pretended to love me!”
“Calm down,” Elvira said threateningly.
“I hate you!” Barbey got out of the car and ran down the alley. She didn’t stop running through the night, down alley after alley until she reached the harbor where she dropped onto a grass mound before the water, putting her face in her hands, afraid to move. She was seeing moving rectangular blocks of colors in her mind. The blocks of color moved abruptly in starts and jerks. She believed that if she moved her body, she would die, so she sat there on the grass before the harbor with her face in her hands, still as a mime in one position for what seemed like hours.
32
The chair Barbey was sitting upon in cosmetology school was cold, hard and stiff from the cold air conditioned room. Students were whispering, and in the nearby hall some janitor vacuumed away the dirt and stench left behind from a practical joke some students had committed, where upon they had set dead rats dressed in doll clothes upon a circle of pink tiny plastic chairs with a cute little pink table in the center where they were supposedly having a tea party and watching a fake, tiny, plastic television. It was weird, Barbey thought. The students at the school were weird, she thought. But even weirder was life itself. Now she knew this. But when the darkness of the stench fell upon her and her cold hard chair, a piercing lonely wind blew up from the hall into her mind and everything grew putrid and silent.
Had she really been stood up again? The thought went wild and out of control in her mind as Mrs. Sanders began to lecture on roller sets. Several days had passed since Rave had reneged on their date. She kept expecting him to call to apologize, but he had not. Her life had never known such a ferocious loss, now bringing forth a new kind of blood splattering relentless humiliation that squirted out in red from the ego illusion that she held fast to that her thoughts were the only reality. And because of her pride, she could not release this pain onto the supportive ear of a friend, afraid of further embarrassment and judgment. Oh, what a fool she had been! Now she was alone in both mind and body.
It was like that humiliating time at six-grade-camp that she had kept secret for so many years. After swimming in the lake, all the six graders had gathered around in their bathing suits to take turns hitting the candy filled piñata. When Barbey’s turn came to hit the piñata, all the boys gathered around to watch her because she was already so pretty with her stylish hairdos, makeup, and designer clothes. The teacher blindfolded her, as was the tradition, and spun her around three times. Just as she was swinging the bat, one of the boys pulled the string on her bikini top causing it to fall off, revealing her developing breasts. Initially, she hadn’t even noticed because she was engrossed in her objective of hitting the piñata open. She heard all the kids laughing and whistling at her, but she just kept swinging until Mrs. Anderson stopped her. When she had realized what had happened, she was devastated. The humiliation of the event so overwhelmed her that she switched to another junior high school. Had Rave really stood her up again?
Because Barbey was dogmatic in keeping to her word, she couldn’t very well simply overlook the fact that he had relinquished on their plans once again. She had warned him that if he ever failed to keep a date with her a second time without calling to cancel, she would break up with him; therefore, she had no choice but to stop dating him. The thought of losing Rave felt like someone had poured a cup of salt in her eyes. Unable to see anything but the white sharp sting of a million sharp crystals disintegrating her eyes, she wished she had never pronounced that rule to him. Oh, the burn of regret! If she reneged on her declaration of boundaries, he may lose respect for her and in turn, mistreat her by further abusing her dignity. No, she had to keep to her word; there was no other way.
Why didn’t he just call to cancel? She couldn’t fathom the idea that a person could act so irresponsibly. I mean it’s easy enough to call. Even if I hated someone, I’d at least call if I had to cancel. How could a person not have the sense to make a phone call? She began to feel like a fool and began blaming herself. Maybe that girl at his work who I spoke with started making fun of me and Rave was influenced by her. He must think I’m so pathetic. Her thoughts switched to her father. Why did he just disappear to some other country like that? He didn’t even care about me and Mama and David. How could he leave us? He doesn’t even love me.
This ravaging humiliation further consumed her—wicked and forceful causing her to perspire salt piles of self-deprecation—pulling her down crystal by crystal. What’s wrong with me? Why does everybody leave me? The air in the room seemed to become thicker and hotter. The teacher’s voice sounded like a shrill cry. I try to be nice and pretty to make everybody happy. Doesn’t he love me? She felt as if her arms and legs were tangled in weeds in a thick soupy swamp while mosquitoes were circling and stinging her face. What is wrong with me? Oblivious to Mrs. Sander’s lecture, she had lost all control of her reality. Her breathing became heavy and desperate. Nobody loves me. Her throat felt as if it were swelling, causing her to choke on her own saliva. The walls of the classroom were not painted with flamingos anymore, but thick and murky like an endless night fog. She could hear the chaotic buzz of insects screaming for their mates. It was a pandemonium of insects, frogs, snakes, and all wild swamp things screaming together, hunting her down, overtaking her, devouring her flesh.
A light—a glimmer reflecting off the dark water—something was shining forth in the night. Was it a flashlight? Whatever it was, a hopeful thought shone forth: What if I tell him we can just be friends? Then I won’t have to lose him altogether. This will give him the opportunity to chase after me and then after some time and a lot of begging, I’ll agree to date him again. That’s what I’ll do. What a perfect idea! The idea brought her a spark of relief though her pride was deeply wounded. She decided that she would give him a call right now. Her hand shot up like a cheerleader throwing her pompom in the air.
“What is it, Miss Bardot?”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Sanders, but can I be excused to the restroom? It’s urgent.”
“Very well then.” She motioned her out of the room.
Barbey went to the payphone in the hall and dialed Rave at Parker’s house where he was living.
“Hello?” Cherry answered the phone.
“Hi Cherry,” Barbey’s voice was quivering—she was so nervous. “This is Barbey Bardot. Is Rave there?”
“Oh, yes. Barbey Bardot! How are you?” Her voice was as low and sultry as ever.
“Ok.” She surveyed the hall, anxious to talk to Rave
before anyone saw her at the phone. “How are you?”
“I started a Liars Anonymous self-help group. Which reminds me—can we meet for coffee, so I can make amends?”
Though Barbey didn’t understand what she meant by making amends, she agreed to meet with her.
“Great. I’ll get your number from Parker. I’m just on my way out. I’ll get Rave.”
“Hello,” Rave said into the phone.
Upon hearing the swish of his voice, her mind couldn’t help but flutter pink hearts, Hello Kitty stuffed cats, and glitter glue pastel rainbows. “Hi Rave. It’s Barbey.”
“Yeah?” His tone was callous.
The pink in her mind flashed to gray fear. “How are you?”
“All right.”
He seemed cold as night. The contrast in personality from how he had acted in the past was like the difference between light and darkness. It was as if he had blinked into another realm.
“I wanted to know if we could get together and talk?” She rubbed her eyes.
“I’m busy right now.”
It was as if a thousand camera flash bulbs were flashing at once in her face as the shock of his sudden heartlessness was so intense and glaring. Her mind folded into black from disappointment—as she had initially anticipated that when she called him, he would apologize profusely and explain that he had been too embarrassed to call, but was thrilled to hear her voice. “Oh, I know,” she said. “I didn’t mean right now, of course. I meant later or some other time when you’re available.”
“I gotta go.” His voice was sharp like a blade.
“But…” The students had been released from class and were entering the hall.
His voice sliced her eardrum as he interrupted, “My friend’s waiting for me.”
“Can’t we just talk right now for a minute?” A girl from her class had walked up and was standing behind her waiting for the phone.
“No.” This word seemed to dangle in white space. There was a long pause.
She would have cried and asked him what was wrong or told him that she loved him, but she was too embarrassed to have the girl from class hear her making a fool of herself, so she said nothing. There was a click. He hung up the phone without saying good bye.
33
Surely Barbey would get over Rave. I mean it’s not like I’ve never been dumped. Well, there was Tyler Reed in seventh grade who broke up with me because I wouldn’t mess around with him, there was Randy Hammel who broke up with me because he wanted to be free to play the field in high school, and there was my stupid jock boyfriend who broke up with me because his mother didn’t want him to get serious with a girl until after high school. Those break ups were painful, but after a few weeks, she got over them. Certainly she would get over Rave even quicker because she had only dated him for a couple months, while the other boys she had dated for four months or more. Her most serious relationship was with Paul Thompson and even though they dated for almost six months, she got over him rather quickly. When they broke up, it was sad, but she knew it was time to move on. This proves that the devastation and extreme sadness that I am feeling over losing Rave will pass quickly. This logic comforted her and she decided to get on with her life as if she had never met Rave.
That night she decided to go to the movies with Sage, hoping to escape from her pain. Because Sage had been out of town for quite some time visiting her aunt in Hawaii, Barbey was looking forward more than usual to spending time with her. She and Parker had broken up awhile ago after Sage’s parents found out that she had continued to date him without their permission. And Parker had said that he didn’t think it was a good idea if her parents met his parents because they were both alcoholics and unpredictable in their behavior. Sage was very disappointed, but her parent’s approval was more important to her. Together, she and Parker decided to let a little time pass to allow her parents to defuse and then when the timing was right, she would try to get them to approve of their relationship.
Barbey wanted a distraction. So, in hopes of meeting another guy, she decided to look hot tonight. She dressed in her favorite tight Guess jeans that made her rear end look round and perky and wore a white cotton half top with a Guess jean jacket, loop earrings, and white pumps.
When they got to the theater, all the young men lounging by the snack bar and arcade kept ogling her. She faked a giggle and flipped her newly bleached blonde hair that she had cut into a shoulder length bob.
Sage rolled her eyes. “I guess you don’t have to worry about losing Rave when you have every other guy in the world in love with you!”
“Thanks, Sage,” Barbey smiled trying to act in good spirits. “Did you ask Parker why Rave won’t talk to me?”
They sat down on a bench near the snack bar. “Well, that’s what I was planning to talk with you about.” Her cheeks turned the color of her Red Vine licorice sticks. “I met a guy in Hawaii!”
“No!” Barbey tried to appear delighted for her friend—she was—but this information made her feel even lonelier. “Tell me about him!”
“My aunt kept forcing me out on all these dates she’d arranged with different guys and then just when I was determined to never go on another date again, my aunt invited Troy over for dinner. He and his family own a riding stable just about a half hour away from us, in Jamul. He, his parents, his six brothers and his five sisters all work at the stables. Can you believe he lives so close and I met him in Hawaii while he was visiting his cousins?”
“What does he do at the stables?”
“Oh, all sorts of stuff, but mostly he breaks horses and trains them for show. He’s homeschooled, but when he’s not studying, he gives riding lessons and buys and sells Tennessee Walkers and Missouri Fox Trotters. In fact, his family brought the first walking horses to San Diego!”
“Wow, he sounds so perfect for you!”
“I know! Can you believe it?”
“I’m so happy for you, Sage. I know how tough it’s been for you never finding a boyfriend that your parents approved of and now you found one that they picked and he’s even better than you ever dreamed of.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty ironic—isn’t it?”
Barbey looked at her confused because she didn’t know what “ironic” meant, but she wasn’t in the mood to ask. “So, I guess it would be weird for you to ask Parker now that you don’t want to date him anymore?”
“Yeah. I told him that I met another guy and he made a joke about it saying that now I could date two guys. Ironically, I think he’s not really interested in me anymore anyway. I think the thought of dealing with my parents made him uncomfortable for some reason. If I call him about you, I think that might make him think I’m still into him and the whole thing makes me uncomfortable.”
“That’s ok. It doesn’t really matter anyway.”
A guy who had been in line at the snack bar, eying Barbey, walked over to her. He was tall and attractive with bright blue eyes and sandy blonde curly short hair. Barbey liked that he dressed casual, but stylish in jeans, a clean pressed t-shirt with a brown leather jacket. “Hola,” he said to Barbey in a Mexican accent. She liked how his full lips didn’t move much when he spoke. He exuded charisma and a subtle sexuality. “Can I seat by you for a moment. I want my cousin to think you like me because he betted me that you not like me.”
“Oh,” in dejection, Barbey’s eyes cast down for a second. Ordinarily, she would have been thrilled to have met a boy as appealing as he, but the thought of being romantic with another guy made her feel as if she would be betraying Rave. “It’s ok. You can sit with us.” She forced a smile.
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