Acknowledgement is also due to HarperCollins Publishers Limited and Germaine Greer for The Female Eunuch; to William Heinemann Limited for Cakes and Ale by W. Somerset Maugham; to Guy Lee for The Poems of Catullus (OUP, 1990) by permission of Oxford University Press; to The Society of Authors on behalf of the Bernard Shaw Estate; to John Murray (Publishers) Limited for Slough by John Betjeman; to Laurence Pollinger Limited and the Estate of Frieda Lawrence Ravagli for How Beastly the Bourgeois Is by D. H. Lawrence; to David Higham Associates and Osbert Sitwell for A Certain Statesman; and to Faber and Faber Limited for the following extracts: Philip Larkin’s ‘This be the Verse’ from High Windows; and John Osborne’s Look Back in Anger, and to Matthew d’Ancona, former editor of The Spectator, for permission to quote from the magazine’s attack on Liverpool. For almost twenty years, The Week, has offered readers a discerning pick of pithy verbal insolence, and I have plundered this resource shamelessly.
The illustrations on pages 390 and 90 are reprinted courtesy of the British Museum Department of Egyptian Antiquities and the British Library respectively.
Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders. The author and publishers apologise for any errors or omissions, and would be grateful to be notified of any corrections that should appear in any reprint.
Finally I must acknowledge the intelligent energy of my assistant editor, Robbie Smith, in bringing this new edition to completion.
Matthew Parris, August 2016
Index
#CurseDavidCameron 398
#Gove2016 413
@AlexWattsEsq 414
@boycotthumans 39
@Brummiecris 414
@InvaderXan 414
@MJ_Boh_ 414
@Mr_Dave_Haslam 413
@PULPKetchup 413
@Pundamentalism 369
@RogerQuimbly 100
Abbey, Edward 326
Abbott, Tony 183, 184
Acheson, Dean 106
Adams, Clover 234
Adams, Henry 106
Adams, Joey 309
Adams, John Quincy 192
Addison, Joseph 258, 353, 354
Adenauer, Konrad 19
Adonis, Andrew, Lord 171
Aesop 207
Agee, James 301
Agnelli, Giovanni 320
Agnew, Spiro T. 87
Aitken, Jonathan 160
Alcieri, Tom 108
Alcott, Louisa May 355
Ali, Muhammad 328, 330
Allen, Fred 109, 220, 255, 278
Allen, Woody 9, 11, 24, 39, 113, 309, 340, 343, 380
Ambler, Eric 110
Ambrose, Stephen 356
Amery, Leo 134
Amis, Kingsley 119, 356, 383
Amis, Martin 282, 388
Anderson, Bruce 165, 168, 170
Anderson, Clive 164
Andrews, Julie 291
Angelou, Maya 387
Anger, Jane 353, 369
Anne, Princess 99
Appleby, Humphrey, Sir 111
Arabin, William 40, 75
Archer, William 307
Arendt, Hannah 118
Aristophanes 104
Aristotle 348
Armstrong, William 112
Arnold, Matthew 73, 87, 91, 233
Asquith, Cyril 271
Asquith, Herbert 133, 211
Asquith, Margot 133, 138, 210, 292, 373
Astor, Nancy 32, 104, 355, 379
Atkinson, Brooks 292
Atkinson, Rowan 33
Attlee, Clement 117, 178
Atwood, Margaret 240, 386
Auden, W.H. 208, 264
Austen, Jane 15, 73, 236, 376
Bacon, Francis 271
Baddiel, David 406
Baedeker 77
Bagehot, Walter 47, 93, 94, 128, 227
Bailey, Bill 167
Balabin, Victor de 250
Baldwin, Stanley 96, 132, 134, 221
Balfour, Arthur James 116, 136, 222
Balzac, Honoré de 249
Bankhead, Tallulah 291, 301, 303, 357
Banks, Tony 164
Baraka, Imamu Amiri 79
Barber, Lynn 339
Baring, Maurice 319
Barkley, Charles 327
Baroja, Pío 109
Barr, Roseanne 370
Barry, Dave 22, 329, 330
Barrymore, John 300
Baudelaire, Charles 351, 363
Bauer, Peter 319
Bax, Arnold 274, 278
Bayley, Stephen 267
Beard, Charles 64
Beaton, Cecil 294
Beckman, Martha 330
Beecham, Thomas 276, 277, 296
Beecher, Henry Ward 19
Beerbohm, Max 167, 261, 307, 354, 416
Beethoven, Ludwig van 273, 274
Behan, Brendan 56, 231
Bell, Alan 264
Benedict XVI, Pope 38
Benjamin, Judah 83
Benn, Hilary 131
Benn, Tony 169
Bennett, Alan 253, 284
Bennett, James Gordon 253, 284
Bentley, Eric 317
Beresford, Charles 95
Berlin, Irving 114
Berlioz, Hector 275
Berlusconi, Silvio 204
Bermant, Chaim 83
Bernard Shaw, George 14, 34, 44, 56, 88, 95, 115, 211, 220, 228, 275, 278, 90, 292, 305, 306, 363, 374
Bernstein, Al 319
Betjeman, John 71
Betts, Hannah 73
Bevan, Aneurin 105, 117, 119, 135, 138, 139, 140, 175
Bickerstaffe, Rodney 169
Bierce, Ambrose 207
Biffen, John 174
Bigot de Cornuel, Anne-Marie 370
Birch, Nigel 139
Bird, John 33
Birkenhead, Frederick, Lord 110
Birkett, Norman 315
Bismarck, Otto von 51
Black, Conrad 183
Blackwell, Simon 21
Blair, Cherie 173, 217
Blair, Tony 56, 164, 172
Blunt, James 284
Bogart, Humphrey 346
Bonaparte, Napoléon 48, 49, 50, 212, 349
Boren, James H. 112
Borge, Victor 382
Borges, Jorge Luis 17, 211, 335
Boswell, James 348
Botton, Alain de 231
Bowen, Elizabeth 245
Boy George 284, 340
Bradshaw, Peter 301
Brahms, Johannes 275
Brand, Jo 371
Brando, Marlon 294
Brandreth, Gyles 294
Brann, William Cowper 186
Branson, Richard 320
Brecht, Bertolt 268
Bremner, Rory 168
Breslin, Jimmy 219
Broderick, Helen 353
Brogan, Colm 136
Brogan, Jimmy 71
Brooker, Charlie 411
Brooks, Mel 17
Brooks, Rebekah 217
Brougham, Henry, Lord 316
Brown, Craig 344
Brown, Dan 230
Brown, Gordon 104, 172
Brown, Rita Mae 361
Browne, Coral 289
Bruce, Lenny 30
Brummell, George ‘Beau’ 95
Bruno, Frank 328
Bryson, Bill 54
Buckley, William F. 281
Bulmer-Thomas, Ivor 74
Burchill, Julie 16, 349, 380
Burgess, Anthony 76, 283
Burke, Edmund 91, 125
Burns, George 105, 382
Burns, Robert 232
Burroughs, John 405
Burton, Richard 289
Bush, Barbara 21
Bush, George W. 107, 197
Bushell, John 61
Butler, Joseph, Bishop 35
Butler, Samuel 19, 41, 370, 373
Butz, Earl 80
Byron, George Gordon, Lord 13, 126, 127, 257, 260, 261, 375
Caan, James 374
Cable, Vince 172
Caesar, Juliu
s 44
Caine, Michael 294
Caligula 107
Calwell, Arthur 120
Câmara, Hélder 120
Cameron, David 165, 166, 172, 176
Campbell, Alastair 165, 174, 175, 232, 410
Campbell, Montgomery 35, 36
Camus, Albert 10, 13, 217
Capone, Al 65
Capote, Truman 8, 254
Carlin, George 10
Carlyle, Thomas 10
Caron de Beaumarchais, Pierre-Augustin 12
Carr, Simon 312
Carrington, Peter, Lord 159
Carter, Lillian 196
Cartland, Barbara 84, 170
Caruso, Enrico 276
Cary, Joyce 358
Catherine the Great 117
Catullus 391
Cecil, Jonathan 15
Chadwick, Henry 35
Chagall, Marc 266
Chamfort, Nicolas 362
Chancellor, Alexander 110
Chandler, Raymond 228, 247
Chanel, Coco 338
Channon, Henry 241
Charles II, King 94
Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor 33, 57
Charles, Lord Darling 321
Charles, Prince of Wales 270
Chekhov, Anton 309, 380
Chesterfield, Philip Dormer Stanhope, Lord 21, 257
Chesterton, G.K. 12, 43, 53, 216, 255, 307, 360
Chetwode, Hester, Lady 88
Chirac, Jacques 50
Cho, Margaret 117, 198
Christie, Bridget 179
Churchill, Randolph, Lord 127
Churchill, Winston 51, 67, 107, 132, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 179, 210, 214, 223, 270, 292
Cicero, Marcus Tullius 10, 44, 227
Cioran, Emil 19
Clare, Jason 183
Clark, Alan 367
Clarke, Arthur C. 222
Clarke, Charles 170
Clarke, John Cooper 91, 286
Clarke, Ken 412
Clarkson, Jeremy 57, 341
Cleaver, Eldridge 367
Cleese, John 379, 406
Clemenceau, Georges 51, 116
Clinton, Bill 197
Clinton, Hillary Rodham 199
Clooney, George 295, 338
Close, Chuck 271
Clough, Brian 332
Coates, Ta-Nehisi 193, 199
Cobbett, William 37, 229
Cohen, Nick 114
Colby, Frank More 101
Coleridge, Samuel Taylor 49, 93, 248
Coles, Richard 387
Collins, Philip 412
Compton-Burnett, I 383
Conkling, Roscoe 70
Connolly, Cyril 13, 216, 228, 231, 237, 369
Connor, William 368
Conrad, Joseph 16
Constable, John 260
Cook, Peter 8, 298, 299
Cooke, Alistair 53, 96
Cooper, Jilly 84, 312
Cooper, Tommy 345
Copland, Aaron 276
Cordes, Paul 29
Coren, Alan 35, 50, 62, 67
Coren, Giles 87, 241
Coslet, Bruce 327
Coward, Noël 76, 77, 137, 239, 254, 296, 300, 303
Cowper Powys, John 383
Cox, Kenyon 271
Cripps, Stafford, Sir 135
Crisp, Quentin 368, 386
Critchley, Julian 128, 161
Cromwell, Oliver 103, 122
Crosby, Bing 279
Crosley, Sloane 8
Crouch, Peter 333
Cryer, Barry 388
Cullinan, Daryll 325
Cummings, E. E.
Curtis, Tony 339, 379
Curzon, George Nathaniel, Lord 89, 132, 220
d’Ancona, Matthew 42
Dabi’Ibn al-harith al-Burjumi 381
Dalrymple, Theodore 338
Dante 111
Darrow, Clarence 23, 192, 382
Darwin, Charles 304
Davies, Gareth 331
Davis, Bette 290, 356
Davis, Sammy Jr 82
Davy, Humphrey 266
Dawkins, Richard 27
Day, Kevin 89
de Béthune, Maximilien, Duc de Sully 60
de Gaulle, Charles 50, 59, 104
de la Mare, Arthur, Sir 66
de la Rochefoucauld, Duc 19
de la Rochefoucauld, François 11
de Montaigne, Michel 25, 308, 370, 374
de Montesquieu, Charles-Louis de Secondat, Baron 24, 36
de Pompadour, Madame 65
de Rozmital, Leo 59
De Sica, Vittorio 41
Deacon, Michael 410, 411
Debussy, Claude 274
Dee, Jack 32
Denning, Alfred, Lord 178
Depew, Chauncey 185
Depp, Johnny 181
Deschamps, Eustache 46, 49
Desmond, Paul 359
Di’bil 392
Diana, Princess of Wales 99
Díaz, Porfirio 69
Dickens, Charles 94, 312
Dickinson, Emily Jane 297
Didion, Joan 78
Diller, Phyllis 75
Dirac, Paul 258
Disbrowe, Colonel 93
Disney, Walt 363
Disraeli, Benjamin 27, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 178, 227, 378
Dix, Dom Gregory 31
Djilas, Milovan 118
Dodd, Ken 382
Dole, Bob 193
Dorries, Nadine 408
Douglas, Michael 337
Douglas Home, Alec, Sir 157, 168, 325
Dowd, Maureen 198
Doyle, Arthur Conan, Sir 76
Drabble, Margaret 46
Drew, Elizabeth 77
Dreyfuss, Randy 289
Dryden, John 259, 377
Duncan Smith, Iain 410
Durocher, Leo 327
Dworkin, Andrea 346, 350
Dyer, Geoff 295
Dykstra, Clarence, Mrs 191
Eagleton, Terry 27
Easter, Nick 331
Ebert, Roger 284, 301
Eccles, John Dawson, Lord 48
Edwards, Bob 73
Einstein, Albert 10, 40
Eisenhower, Dwight D 193
Eliot, George 11, 12, 105, 236, 359
Eliot, T.S. 221, 235, 297, 304
Ellenborough, Lord 314
Ellis, Havelock 26, 214
Emerson, Ralph Waldo 20, 220, 260, 262
Emin, Tracey 71
Enlai, Zhou 121
Ephron, Nora 224, 310, 344, 360, 389
Epstein, Jacob 271
Ertz, Susan 13
Evans, Edith 237
Everett, Rupert 340
Fadiman, Clifton 343
Fairbairn, Nicholas 201
Farage, Nigel 113, 167
Farrar, John 228
Faulkland, Lucius Cary, Lord 178
Faulkner, William 236, 247
Ferguson, Alex 334
Ferguson, Euan 201
Feuchtwanger, Leon 82
Fey, Tina 297
Fields, W.C. 17, 293, 372
Fifield, A.J. 246
Finkelstein, Daniel 45
Fischer, Martin H. 328
Fisher, Carrie 337
Fitzalan, Amanda Malvina 231
Flaubert, Gustave 364
Flynn, Paul 168
Foot, Michael 131
Foote, Samuel 315
Ford, Gerald 193, 199
Ford, Harrison 254
Forster, E.M. 70
Forsyth, Elizabeth 304
Fox, George 402
France, Anatole 311
Francis, Martin 171
Francis, Russ 326
Franzen, Jonathan 230
Frayn, Michael 120
Freeman, Charles W. 206
French, Marilyn 348
Freud, Clement 64, 161, 372
Freud, Sigmund 15
Frontinus, Sextus Julius 69
Frost, David 298
Frost, Robert 19, 25, 103
Frostrup, Mar
iella 18
Fry, Stephen 341
Frye, David 196
Fuoss, Robert 109
Gabor, Zsa Zsa 352, 359, 374
Gaddafi, Colonel 212
Gainsbourg, Serge 364
Galaska, Ryan 302
Galbraith, John Kenneth 109, 224, 317, 320
Galifianakis, Zach 286
Gallagher, Noel 115, 284, 285
Gallico, Paul 52
Galloway, George 218, 219
Gandhi, Indira 102
Gandhi, Mahatma 214
Gardner, Ava 279, 340
Garner, John Nance 192
Gascoigne, Paul 68
Gasgoigne, Michael 164
Gates, Bill 65
Gates, Henry Louis, Jnr 54
Genet, Jean 17
George II, King 259
George III, King 54, 247
George V, King 77, 96
George VI, King 96
George, Dan 37
George, David Lloyd 83, 133, 136, 179, 208
George, Prince of Wales 374
Gervais, Ricky 28, 291
Gibbon, Edward 31
Gide, André 49
Gierach, John 329
Gilbert, John, III 319
Gilbert, Rhod 22
Gilbert, W.S. 293
Gill, AA 168, 197, 266, 298, 409
Gill, Brendan 291
Gillard, Julia 184
Gilman, Charlotte Perkins 75
Gladstone, Catherine, Mrs W.E. Gladstone 132
Gladstone, W.E. 20, 102, 128, 130
Gleiberman, Owen 294
Godwin, William 208
Goebbels, Joseph 137
Goldsmith, Oliver 245
Goldwyn, Sam 296, 318
Gonzales, Joe A. 302
Goodman, Arnold Abraham, Lord 45
Gore, Al 197
Gove, Michael 409
Grace, W.G. 323
Grant, Cary 388
Grant, Hugh 291
Grant, Lee 121
Gray, Muriel 63
Graziano, Rocky 328
Greacen, Robert 405
Greenfield, Josh 295
Greer, Germaine 365
Gregory, Dick 81
Gromyko, Andrei 44
Grove, Valerie 366
Guggenheim, Peggy 317
Gurdon, Hugo 164
Gyurcsány, Ferenc 100
Haber, Joyce 290, 291
Haddon, Mark 244
Hague, William 157
Hailsham, Douglas Hogg, Lord 29
Haldane, J.B.S. 25
Hale, Edward Everett 186
Hall, Peter 303
Hall, Rich 329
Halsey, Margaret 65
Hamilton, Alexander 185
Hamman, Hilton 103
Hammond, Percy 294
Hampton, Christopher 252
Haneda, Koji 406
Hanslick, Eduard 275
Hardie, James Keir 96
Harding, Gilbert 356
Hardy, Jeremy 30
Scorn Page 25
