She raised an eyebrow at him and he gave in.
"It's nothing, really. Just, uh, Michaela went to her parents' for a few days and I'm a little antsy."
"And you didn't go with her, because …?"
"Her dad still isn't totally cool with me." He tapped his fingers against his leg nervously. "Her mom is working on him, though. I hope it doesn't take too long, though. I sort of ... um ... bought a ring."
Maggie's mouth dropped open as the last words came out in a rush. She closed it and then opened it again to say something, but no words came out. Once again, Elijah saved her.
"About damn time, dude." They gave each other a man-hug and Elijah looked at Maggie expectantly.
"Are you sure you want to get married?" Her voice came out small, weak.
"I've never been more sure of anything," Jason replied.
"Well, then congratulations." She stepped away. "You two head on over to the house. I have to stop and get some more painting supplies." She turned on her heel and practically sprinted to her bedroom.
Why did she suddenly feel sick? She wished she could just be happy for her cousin. She wanted to celebrate with him. She wanted to think he and Michaela would make it work and last forever. She wanted to be a believer. But she wasn't. She didn't believe in love. She didn't think marriage worked. Everyone left. People always found something better. When they realized how imperfect their partner was, they couldn't deal.
Maggie didn't know if Michaela knew everything Jason had been through. She didn't know if she could love the damaged parts of him as well. She liked Michaela, but Jason was her family.
Jake couldn't handle it. Maggie had loved every messed-up part of him, but he couldn't do the same. When Maggie couldn't give him the one thing he wanted, when she suddenly wasn't perfect, he went looking for something better. He would never know the damage he’d done.
###
"She'll come around," Elijah said as they unloaded supplies from his car.
"It doesn't matter, man." Jason tried to brush by him, but Elijah put a hand on his chest to stop him.
"Yes, it does."
"It's my life, not hers." Jason looked at Elijah and sighed. "Maggie’s great when things are bad. If you're hurt or pissed off, she's who you want in your corner. It's when you've got it all together that she falls apart."
They carried their loads through the side gate and in the back door before dropping them to the ground and going for more. Elijah thought about what Jason said in silence. He wasn't wrong. Maggie didn't know how to do happy because she’d never really gotten the chance.
"Jason," Elijah finally said. "You should know how hard it is to believe in the good when you've only ever experienced the bad."
"Yeah, but that's different for me now." He grunted as he dropped his armful inside once again. "I want Maggie to see that. I want it to be different for her too."
"So do I," Elijah admitted. All he ever wanted was to see that girl happy, and he knew Jason felt the same way. Maggie was the strongest, most resilient person he’d ever known. But those traits had created a hardness in her that he couldn't break through.
She’d been through more than anyone should have to experience. Elijah had had a front-row seat for most of it. He’d seen her change over the years from the sweet girl who only ever wanted someone to love her into a woman who didn't let herself believe in anything.
He had hope though. Sometimes he saw glimpses of the girl who had so many possibilities. Last night, when she asked him if he still loved her, that was her. He’d been trying to get more of her to come back ever since they moved to New York. Leaving Boston helped.
Elijah didn't know everything that happened with Jake. He knew the basics, but Maggie didn't talk about it. She wasn’t one to gush about her feelings. He couldn't shake the image of her showing up at his house the night it all went down.
He hadn't seen her in almost a year, and it had been killing him. His marriage had fallen apart because his wife claimed he loved Maggie more than he loved her. She was right about that, so she left him after only a year.
But Maggie was still married to Jake. Once upon a time, the three of them had been best friends. That changed about six years into their marriage, when Maggie had her first miscarriage. She’d been devastated, but Jake was too busy drowning his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle of gin to notice. So she’d turned to Elijah.
Things had always been platonic between them, despite Elijah's feelings. Maggie was too scared of losing him for it to be anything more. Jake didn't believe that.
His drunken rants had turned into jealous rages. Maggie started to see her father in him. She wanted to help him in the way she never could help her dad. Jake never hit her. Elijah would have killed him if he did. But there are other forms of abuse.
Elijah tried to convince him to go to rehab. He even offered to help pay for it. Jake refused. He didn't think he had a problem. He didn't see what he was doing to his wife.
When she lost the second baby, Jake took away the only support system she had. He made her choose between their marriage and her friendship with Elijah. She’d been in tears when she told Elijah she needed to try to make her relationship work.
Elijah didn't know much about that year he didn't see her, but when she showed up at his house, he knew it hadn't been good. He knew he should have fought to stay in her life. He should have fought to keep his promises.
###
Four Years Ago:
"I’m sorry, Maggie," Dr. Murray said. "After this last pregnancy, you will not be able to conceive again."
The doctor went on to explain her diagnosis. She had an abnormally-shaped uterus, but it all sounded like a bunch of medical mumbo jumbo. All Maggie heard was her dreams crashing to the ground. She felt dampness on her face, but didn't bother to wipe it away. She was frozen in her seat, the doctor's voice just noise roaring in her ears.
This wasn't her first miscarriage. In fact, it was her third. But it would be her last. There was no more trying. All she’d wanted for years was a child to call her own. Someone she would love with all her heart. She’d vowed to give the child the life she never had.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and realized Dr. Murray had walked around the desk that had been sitting between them, and now stood in front of her. She looked up slowly. Dr. Murray tilted her head and gave it a sad shake.
"I’m so sorry," she said. The look in her eyes told Maggie that she knew how empty those words were. But what else could she say? There was nothing that could soften what Maggie was feeling.
Maggie stood slowly and followed the doctor from the room. She suddenly had the desire to get out of the office as fast as she could. The lady behind the desk slid Maggie's credit card through the scanner and handed it back to her.
"Thank you," Maggie said in a daze.
She practically ran from the building, gulping fresh air as soon as she was outside. Inhale. Exhale. She breathed in too fast and started coughing.
Jake should be here, she thought once she was breathing normally again. But, no. He didn't show. She let out an angry growl, receiving odd looks in the process, and walked towards the parking garage.
By the time she was inside her car, she was openly sobbing. Tears streamed down her cheeks and dripped off the tip of her nose. She waited until she could see more clearly before starting the engine.
Jake wasn't home when she got there, but he’d left practically every light on. She went from room to room, shutting them off and cursing him. She needed something inconsequential to get pissed about.
The truth was, she was sort of glad Jake hadn't shown. They’d been married ten years, and each year had been worse than the one before. He wasn't the person who would support her. No, she’d let Jake drive that person away.
She’d thought of Elijah every day for the past year. She hated herself for allowing Jake to make her choose. She hated herself for the choice she made. Elijah was the person she wanted by her side during all of this.
<
br /> It had been a while since Maggie was sure she wanted Jake by her side at all. She’d tried so hard to make it work, and he hadn't tried at all. She’d loved him more than anything and he’d disappointed her time and again.
After picking up Jake's mess, as she did every day, Maggie sat on her bed with her back against the wall.
Be strong, she told herself.
Maggie had been through a lot in her life, but that was her past. This felt like her future was being ripped away. She thought a child was her only chance at happiness. Her only chance at love. She kicked herself for thinking that. She’d loved Jake.
As she thought of him, the front door crashed open. Heavy footsteps sounded right outside the bedroom door.
"Maggie!" Jake yelled in that belligerent voice that all drunks develop. It didn’t surprise her that he was drunk before most people had even eaten dinner.
"In here," she called weakly. She really wanted to be left alone, but knew he'd find her eventually, and she had some things she wanted to say to him. It only took a moment before he was standing in the doorway, bumping his shoulder into the door frame as he swayed.
"Where were you?" Maggie asked once they’d been staring at each other for too long.
"That's none of your concern," he slurred, lurching forward into the room and sitting on the edge of the bed.
"It is when you're supposed to be at the doctor's with me."
"Why would I want to go there when we already knew you fucked it all up?"
"Me?" Drunk or not, she was not going to let him blame her. "I didn't do a damn thing, it just happened."
"You've now lost three of my babies. You're my wife, and you had a job to do. Maybe the next one can get the job done."
"Screw you, Jake." It was all Maggie had. His words deflated her. She'd never admit it to him, but she felt like it was her fault. She was broken. All Jake was doing was shattering the pieces even more so she'd never be able to be put back together. She'd never be whole.
She didn't tell him what she found out at the doctor's because, she suddenly realized, he didn't need to know. He wasn't the one who was going to have to deal with it.
"I'm leaving you, Jake," she said, making the decision she knew she should have made a year ago.
She was still crying as she looked at him. This man had spent years tearing apart every bit of her, but she knew there was nothing more he could do to her.
Jake's eyes narrowed and the bed shifted as he stood. "You don't think you're replaceable?" He grabbed her arm and yanked her to her feet.
Maggie knew Jake would have another girl in his bed as soon as he wanted to. He was the kind of man girls begged to seduce them. He just wasn't the kind of man they stuck around for when they got to know him.
"I know I am," she said, way more calmly than she felt, as his hand tightened around her arm, his fingers digging into her skin. The tears stuck in her throat. "You've broken me, Jake. Again and again. I don't know what it is about me that is so unlovable, but I can't handle it anymore. If you really loved me, you wouldn't treat me like this. That is the only thing I learned from my father."
"You're right. How could I love someone who can’t give me the only thing I want? You don't deserve to be loved."
Maggie’s hand flashed quickly through the air before making contact with the right side of Jake's face. "Go to hell." She tried to break free, but he didn’t release her.
He pulled her from the room, grabbing her keys from the table as they passed it.
“What are you doing?” she demanded. He pulled open the front door as if he would tear it from its hinges.
“Get out of my house.” He shoved her through the door with enough force to send her tumbling to the ground.
Her arm scraped against the pavement as she used it to break her fall. Her keys landed with a crash beside her and she looked up at the furious man standing before her.
She winced as she touched the knee that had been slammed in the sidewalk, and her hand came away with spots of blood. It hurt as she scrambled to her feet but that didn’t stop her from running across the front lawn, towards her car.
"Want me to call Elijah?" Jake called after her. "I'll tell him that he's now free to have my leftover sludge."
Maggie didn't stop.
"Go on! Go run to him!" Jake screamed before slamming the door.
Maggie's hands shook as she drew her seatbelt across her chest and pulled away. She looked back at the house she’d lived in for the past ten years. She'd have to go back to get her stuff, but after that, that part of her life was over.
Tears blurred her vision, but she wiped them away furiously. Jake was right about one thing. There was only one place she could go.
It had been a year, but the road still felt so familiar. It was early evening so she didn't know if he'd be home, and she didn't know what to say to him if he was.
Did she apologize for making the wrong choice?
She couldn't think straight. In a few hours’ time, she’d lost her chance at motherhood and given up on her marriage. Her entire life was gone.
And there was Elijah, pushing a mower across his lawn. The tan skin of his chest shone with sweat and his dark hair peeked out under the edges of his baseball cap.
She started to relax as she pulled up and watched him. This is what coming home feels like, she thought.
She got out of her car and leaned against it. She was sure she looked like a train-wreck, all bloody knees and tear-streaked face, but she didn't really care. All she needed was her best friend.
After a few minutes, Elijah finally saw her. He stopped and turned off the mower. A smile started to come to his lips, but it fell when he stepped closer and took in her appearance. After freezing in shock for a brief moment, he closed the rest of the gap between them and pulled her into his arms.
She shook and he held her tighter.
"I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "I-"
"Shhh, it's okay," he whispered, his lips brushing her hair. "I've missed you, Mags."
"It's not okay. You promised you'd always be there for me and then you let me push you away. You broke your promise."
Elijah chuckled softly. "I know. It's all my fault." He pulled back and winked at her.
It was such an Elijah move that she couldn't help the small smile that brightened her face. It dropped when more tears spilled from her eyes.
"What is wrong with me, Elijah? Why does everyone who is supposed to love me find that impossible?"
"Maggie, listen to me." Elijah put his hand under her chin and titled her face so she was looking at him. "You are not impossible to love. You’re the best person I know. One day, you’re going to find someone that will love you so much they’ll fight through these impenetrable walls your father and Jake have created. I promise you that."
Ten
Present Day:
Maggie's eyes shifted nervously as she walked through the park. She didn't want to be there, but she knew it was what she needed to do.
Jake had called Elijah's phone that morning while Elijah was in the shower. Maggie saw his name come up on the screen and decided to answer it.
Jake's voice had shaken when he realized she’d answered and not Elijah, but Maggie stayed strong. She was distant and cold, but firm. All of this just needed to be done. She’d felt Jake's impending visit hanging over her head and suddenly had to know what he wanted to say to her.
She was the one who suggested the park. Jake said Jason's would be fine, but Maggie didn't want her cousin involved. She had to do it alone. Not even Elijah knew where she’d gone.
She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants and kept going. She was almost there.
A young girl ran past, her long honey-brown hair flying out behind her. She stumbled on uncertain legs and Maggie reached out to keep her from falling. She righted the girl and was met with a crystal blue gaze. The girl smiled and took off again.
"Ruthy!" someone shouted. It was a someone Maggie knew. A voice she’d recognize anywh
ere.
The little girl stopped and ran back past Maggie, who turned and watched her jump into a man's arms. Jake's eyes met hers and he froze. He's terrified of me, Maggie thought. How Ironic.
Finally setting Ruthy down and taking her little hand in his, Jake walked closer.
"Maggie." His voice was low and gravelly, as if he had to try his hardest to keep it even. Maggie knew that feeling because it was a struggle for her as well.
"Hi, Jake," she said.
She wasn’t going to make any of this easy on him. He had wanted to meet. He was the one with a lot to make up for. He'd have to be the one to take the first step.
Maggie's heart clenched as she looked at him struggling for words. His light brown hair was cropped short as it always had been and his style hadn't changed. After four years, he still looked like the same Jake, with only a few noticeable differences. The bags that had been a constant under his eyes for years were gone now. His eyes seemed brighter and more focused. Maggie realized that was because he was sober. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him so together.
"Who's this?" Maggie finally spoke, gesturing to the girl who was now clinging to Jake's pant leg.
"Ruthy." Jake cleared his throat and broke their stare. "She's ... uh, my daughter."
Maggie stopped breathing. Jake had a daughter - the one thing she could never give him.
"How old?" Maggie croaked.
"She's three." Jake smiled down at his daughter, and then looked back up at Maggie.
She wasn't quick enough to hide the stricken look on her face. Jake wasn't as good at reading her as Elijah was, but he’d been married to her for ten years.
"Look, Mags -"
"Don't call me that." She strode past him towards a bench just as her legs felt like they were going to give out.
In the back of her mind, Maggie wondered if not having kids was the world's way of saying Jake didn't deserve them. Of not putting a child through the kinds of things she’d gone through as a kid. At the time, Jake had been very similar to her own father. Now, all meaning had been stripped from it and Maggie just saw it as cruel. A tear rolled down her face, but she wiped it away before Jake could see.
Promises (New Beginnings Book 2) Page 6
