by B. N. Toler
Always,
Lucy
Tears rolled down my face as I tried to control my sobs. Hudson and Whit stared blankly at each other.
“What was next on the point list?” Whit looked at me.
Lucy was a paranoid soul. I understand why now. Growing up, she made us memorize a point list. This was a list of locations that we would move to. She made all of us memorize it so that in the unlikely event we were ever separated, we knew where to go. She constantly quizzed us to make sure we knew the list like the back of our hands. Next on the list was Virginia, but college was no longer in the cards for us. After that came…
“Florida,” Hudson mumbled.
“Do we just go?” Whit asked.
“That’s what she said.” I slid the letter back into the envelope. Fred barked and I pet him, mindlessly.
“I have to say goodbye to Lila, Al.” Hudson gave me the saddest look.
“Hudson, they may be after us. It’s too dangerous,” I whispered.
“Fuck!” Hudson hit the steering wheel.
“Whit, go get all of our belongings out of the beast, please,” I asked politely, through tears.
Whit hopped out and trotted to the car, while Hudson remained slouched over the steering wheel.
“I’m sorry, Hudson.” I patted his shoulder. I knew how he felt.
“What about Thomas?”
“I don’t know.” I winced at the added pain the thought of Thomas brought.
“Do you think he had anything to do with it?”
“No!” I yelled. “How could you even think that?”
“Geesh. Sorry.” He held his hands up like I was about to attack him. “It’s just, where is he?”
Wasn’t that the million dollar question? I thought about that for a minute. Where was Thomas? My emotions flared and the worst of all scenarios played out in my head. He arranged the healing and now Lucy is dead. Did he have a hand in it? I shook my head at the thought. He couldn’t have. “I don’t know,” I replied calmly.
Whit opened the trunk and chucked our newly bought desk lamp in along with some CDs, and a gym bag.
“What do we do with the yellow beast?” Hudson asked.
“Leave it,” I sighed.
“So we’re really just going?”
I rubbed my eyes, now dry from crying. “Yes. We’re going.”
.
ten
Present
“Ma’am, you’re here,” the cab driver says.
My head snaps up, I hadn’t realized I’d fallen asleep. “Oh, sorry.” I clear my throat, digging into my jacket pocket for cash.
“Forty-five.”
“Keep the change.” I hand him a fifty then get out of the cab and stretch, my mind still foggy with the image of small, fragile Ella. I walk into my building after casing the place, but nothing seems at odds. Everything is quiet, and I feel relieved. I just want to take a hot shower.
It’s about seven-thirty in the morning when I get home. I immediately lock my doors and feel relief knowing I’m alone. The one good thing about having nothing is there isn’t any place for a potential attacker to hide. I walk in to my bathroom and strip down, grabbing my tooth brush and brushing my teeth quickly. I turn on my shower to let the water warm up and water spatters on my skin because I have no shower curtain.
As I slip under the water, exhaustion washes over me. The warm water seems to wash my troubles away. I stay in the shower about thirty minutes, until it starts to get cold, before shutting it off and stepping out. After quickly drying off, I decide to go lay down, opting not to put on pajamas. I lie down on my mattress on the floor, and wrap my thin sheet around me. I quickly fade into sleep.
Past
Before we left for Florida that day, we drove to Thomas’s house once more. After we knocked on the door and no one answered, we sat in the car and waited to see if anyone would show up. After about an hour, I slid out of the car.
“What are you doing?” Hudson asked, sitting up abruptly.
“I’m going to look in the windows.”
“I’ll do it,” Whit volunteered and hopped out from the driver’s side.
We cased the house, peeking through windows, but most of the blinds were closed. Whit followed me to the back of the house, and I tested the back door to see if it was open.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to get in,” I snapped, annoyed that the door was locked.
“You can’t just walk into his house, Aldo,” Whit scolded.
“Obviously not; the doors are locked.” I walked to the kitchen window and stared up at it a moment.
“Hoist me up,” I ordered Whit.
“Uh, what?” He stammered.
“Hoist. Me. Up.” I stated slowly.
He stared at me, eyes wide. “I’m not helping you break into Thomas’s house.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Why?”
“What if he was taken? I have to know what’s inside this house. I promise we’ll go after this.”
Whit looked around, checking no one could see us before heaving a heavy sigh. “Make it fast.” He leaned down and laced his fingers together.
I placed one foot in his hands, and he hoisted me up. “I will.”
“Wearing a dress was not your best decision today.” He clenched his eyes shut.
“Shut up,” I moaned.
“Hey, what did you do today?” Whit asked in a deep voice. “Oh, nothing. Just a little B and E,” he replied in casual tone.
“Stop moving!” I hissed, holding his shoulders for balance.
He lifted me with a grunt and pressed me against the house. “Hurry up!”
“I’m trying!” I stepped on his shoulder, and he made a groan, but managed to hold me steady. After I struggled to get the window screen up, and then the window, I finally wiggled my way in over the kitchen sink. The kitchen was bare, with the exception of some empty pizza boxes and Chinese take-out containers scattered on the red counters. I walked slowly into the living room and froze. It was also bare. The couches and coffee table were gone. I quickly walked down the hall and pushed doors open, finding each room empty as the others. When I reached Thomas’s room, my heart dropped. Perhaps I should have known it, too, would be bare, but for some reason I wasn’t prepared. I fell to my knees and sobs imploded.
Tiny rays of light leaked through the space between the blind and the window, beaming down on something on the floor. I eyed it as I crawled to it. It was a balled up piece of paper.
With trembling hands, I picked it up and pulled it open. It was the letter I had written Thomas apologizing, the day he sent me away from his house. I stared at it numbly, my heart in my throat. What happened to Thomas? I wanted to stay and search for him or at least clues to what happened, but I knew better. We had to leave town immediately. I tore out of the front door, pain and anger fueling my movement.
“What’s inside?” Whit watched me pass him and slide in the car.
“It’s empty,” I answered before I shut the car door.
Whit slid in the driver’s seat and sighed before he started the engine. No one spoke. We were all filled with the same questions, fears, and pain. Lucy was gone. Thomas was gone. What the hell do we do now?
I sat in the back seat the entire way while Whit and Hudson drove. I never called the detective or coroner. Lucy said to leave, so we did. Hudson was devastated not to be able to say good-bye to Lila. Whit didn’t express any emotion, hiding his feelings behind a stone face, most likely because Hudson and I were falling apart at the seams.
The ride seemed like eternity, as I licked my wounded heart. Of course, I was so lost in my own sadness that I forgot Hudson was also in despair. We seemed to make an unspoken agreement not to talk about it. They didn’t know about my love for Thomas or what had transpired between us in the last twenty-four hours, so bringing it up was pointless. I could still feel Thomas’s kiss on my lips. I had finally won, just to have him taken away. I dozed off severa
l times, and not once did Thomas come into my dreams. Surely if he were alive he would tell me where to find him. Or would he? I tormented myself with these thoughts for weeks.
When we arrived in Miami, we found a furnished apartment on the strip, with a landlord who appreciated privacy. It was a two bedroom apartment and my brothers allowed me a room to myself. They were used to sharing anyway. For the first few weeks, we stayed cooped up, afraid and not sure what to do. We made a few trips out for clothing and food, but that was it. Lucy had always been in charge, so we were like young birds just thrown out of the nest, trying to make our wings flap while we plummeted to the earth.
I prayed Thomas would find me in my dreams. I needed him. We needed him. Losing Lucy was so tragic and Thomas missing on top of everything left me spiraling. I couldn’t eat and when I tried to I vomited. I was weak and Hudson constantly pushed energy into me, worried for me.
We had been in Miami about a month and a half when my brothers came into my room. I woke up to find them staring down at me and back to each other awkwardly.
“What?” I asked with a hoarse voice.
“Aldo, we—um,” Whit started.
“What?” I repeated, annoyed they had woken me.
They both sat on either side of me. “So you’ve been super depressed, which is understandable,” Hudson started.
“Yeah, but you’ve been getting sick, and you’re weak,” Whit added.
“I’m just sad.” I sat up, pushing my greasy hair behind my ears. “I’m sorry.” I patted their arms to show them I was sincere.
“Well, the thing is Aldo.” Whit stopped again and looked to Hudson. They both wore matching facial expressions of awkward.
“What?”
“I would bet my life you’re pregnant,” Whit finished, meeting my eyes.
“What?” I laughed.
“It’s your energy, Aldo. We’ve been listening. I hear two different sets of pitches and vibrations. One is definitely not yours. Add that to your fatigue and nausea, and it seems a logical explanation.” Hudson shrugged.
“It’s impossible.” I shook my head, smiling for the first time in weeks at the ridiculousness of their conclusion.
“Is it?” Whit quirked an eyebrow.
“Yes,” I affirmed irritated, embarrassed to be having such a conversation with my brothers.
“What about prom night with Wyatt?” Hudson ran a hand through his hair.
“Ew! No, Hudson! Nothing happened. I mean he kissed me, but that was it.”
“Thomas?” Whit asked in a way that the idea that Thomas and I could have ever, well had sex, just occurred to him for the first time. He stared at the wall for a moment, before he looked back at me.
“No, I’m a virgin.” And as I said the words, my heart did a back- flip into my stomach.
“What?” Hudson asked, noting my expression.
“Nothing, I…” I stopped. It was impossible. Thomas and I made love in my dreams. I couldn’t get pregnant. Shit. It couldn’t be. Sure, I had been feeling ill and exhausted, but I thought that was because I lost the love of my life and Lucy all in one day.
“Here’s a test.” Whit handed me a rectangular box. I eyed it in his hand, as panic washed over me. My heart felt like it stopped beating for a moment.
“I can’t believe you bought me a pregnancy test?”
“We knew you would deny it or say it couldn’t be, so we just got the test to settle it once and for all.” Hudson rolled his eyes as he stood.
“Okay, this is awkward.” I shifted slightly.
“Especially, since you’re a virgin,” Whit said sarcastically and stood.
“I am,” I snapped.
“Come on, Aldo.” Hudson looked down on me with soft eyes. “Let’s get this over with. We need to know.” Hudson watched me and waited for me to follow.
“I’m telling you it’s not possible.”
“Humor us,” Whit snapped.
“Fine.” I rolled off of the bed and snatched the test from Whit’s hand and marched out of the room. They followed me into the living room where the only bathroom in the apartment was.
I whirled around and waved the pregnancy test in their faces. “I mean, can I at least pee on the stick in privacy?” I sneered.
“Oh, yeah.” They both backed up embarrassed with red faces.
“It says you can pee in a cup and then hold the tip of the stick in it for five seconds,” Hudson informed me.
“Dude, you read the directions?” Whit asked.
“I didn’t know which test to get, so this lady in the store helped me pick one. I told her it was for my wife.” Hudson smiled as if proud of himself. Whit stared at him, like he just told us he smoked crack.
“Okay. So you need a cup?” Whit turned to me.
“No. I’m good. Be back in a few.” I waved as I shut the door, leaving them right outside. I opened the box, and carefully read the directions, not trusting Hudson’s expertise, as my body threatened to collapse beneath me from nerves. My inner self sat on her knees, hands clasped together, and face to the sky, repeating in prayer; please don’t be pregnant, please don’t be pregnant. I pulled my panties down, sat on the white porcelain toilet, and tried to place the white fabric tip in the line I thought my urine might travel. I started to pee, but the warm stream hit my hand. Damn! I quickly adjusted so the tip was in way of the stream. When done, I placed the cap back on the tip and laid it on the sink. I washed my hands and opened the door.
“What did it say?” Hudson asked nervously, his face pale.
“It takes three minutes. You bought the test that literally says pregnant or not pregnant.” I rolled my eyes. “Shouldn’t be too hard to figure out.”
“No room for error,” Whit snipped.
I sat on the brown living room sofa, and crossed my arms, terrified of what might happen at the end of the next three minutes.
Fred laid his head in my lap and I pet him softly as I tried to keep my emotions controlled. We all sat in silence while my mind reeled, and I turned over the idea of having a baby. It is common with our kind that women die in child birth. Not always, but often. My mother passed away giving birth to us. I winced at the thought of her.
“You think it’s been three minutes?” Whit asked.
I nodded.
“Are you going to go look?” Hudson asked.
“You do it,” I whispered.
“Really?” Hudson asked, eyes wide with shock.
“I just can’t.”
Whit and Hudson exchanged a glance, still standing near the bathroom. Hudson walked into the bathroom and came out holding the little white stick that held my fate in the balance. His eyebrows raised and his mouth twisted.
“What does it say?” Whit asked.
“It says were going to be uncles.” Hudson looked directly at me.
Nooooooooooooooo. My inner self cried in anguish as she collapsed to the ground. My heart fell to my stomach. No way. I was pregnant and a virgin. How could that be?
Whit sat beside me, as sobs escaped me. He grabbed my hand and squeezed. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“Aldo.” Hudson sat on the other side of me. “Who’s the father?”
And so began a very long and awkward conversation about losing my virginity to Thomas in my dreams.
.
eleven
Present
I wake up around six in the evening, after sleeping the entire day. My mind immediately goes to the previous night’s events. The man that acted like an ass to me in the club was a vampire. No doubt about that. I’m not afraid to be captured by vampires, if it will lead me to Thomas.
I have to know if Thomas is alive and if he isn’t, I have to know what happened to him. Why did he disappear? My heart pounds, thinking about the world I’m about to enter. What if they bite me? What if they make me watch them drink from other people and then force me to heal them? How could I watch that?
My mind leads me down a thousand paths of horrible, but
they all end at the same point. No matter what, I have to find Thomas. He has to know we have a child. I get up and take a bath to help me relax. Lucy used to say a warm bath would wash all of the worries away, and I have found it to be true. At least, temporarily. After I run my bath, I light my white linen-scented candle that sits on the back of my toilet and climb in the tub. I try to relax, but I can’t help reflecting on how I got to this point.
Past
My brothers took care of me. They waited on me hand and foot throughout my pregnancy. Though they never said it, I knew deep down they were terrified I would die giving birth. I had no pre-natal appointments, because I didn’t need them. We were healers. My baby would be born healthy. That was guaranteed. If it wasn’t, Hudson would heal him. We were too scared to put ourselves out there. How valuable would a new born healer be to a vampire? We felt like there were giant neon signs above us with arrows pointing to our heads that flashed, HEALER HERE.
My emotions were so mixed and my moods were so drastic I couldn’t believe my brothers didn’t chuck me off of the balcony of our three story apartment. I was sad because Lucy was gone. Angry she was gone. Why didn’t she tell me more, prepare me more for the dangers in our world? Where was Thomas? How could he just leave me after making love to me and never give me any indication why? I was angry because I was nineteen years old about to give birth and I had never really physically had sex. What would I do with a child? I resented the being growing within me. I was a child myself. How was I supposed to raise one? My body was big and awkward and I hated it. Whit and Hudson took care of everything. I couldn’t even bring myself to go buy anything for the baby. Then another emotion consumed me. Guilt. I hated myself for feeling that way. How could I be angry with this innocent child? It was the true victim in all of this. The first time I felt it kick, was the first time I felt excited, but even that was short lived. I was about six months along, when I could truly identify the little thud I felt inside me was actually a kick and not gas or something. Of course, it didn’t take long until I realized I was about to bring a UFC fighter into the world because all my baby did was kick.
