by Amie Knight
“Come on, big guy, throw those gargantuan guns you call arms around my waist and move your hips a little. You won’t die. I promise.”
I couldn’t help it. I threw my head back and laughed.
“Ahh, he’s giving me the dimple.” She looked around the dance floor at everyone else and yelled, “Look away, ladies. Hurry before your panties catch fire and—”
My lips crashed down on hers. I couldn’t resist a second more. I had to kiss her. It felt like I’d been waiting an eternity to taste her. And also I needed to shut her crazy ass up. As soon as possible.
I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth and we swayed from side to side, her breasts pressed to my chest, her hips right against mine. My arms around her waist. Hers around my neck. It was fucking heaven. Maybe dancing wasn’t so bad if I got to hold her. I could have stayed right there on that floor for the rest of my life if it meant she was in my arms.
She hummed against my lips and I slipped my tongue inside, desperate for her mouth. Just desperate for her. I pillaged her mouth as long as she would let me, but she backed out of our kiss, beaming only seconds after I’d laid my lips to hers.
“I should embarrass you more often,” she threatened and I laughed again. Good. She made me feel so fucking good. She was the only thing on this planet who did and that scared the shit out of me. What would I do when she didn’t want me anymore? When I’d ruined whatever we were beginning to have?
I’d just enjoy her while I could, I decided. I swung her around and dipped her low over my arm, pressing my lips to hers once more, surprising myself. But she made me want to have fun. Be better. Live life.
She laughed as I pulled her upright. “You got some smooth moves for a white boy, Hold. I ain’t mad.”
My dimple popped out on my cheek as I turned her in a circle under my arm.
I didn’t dance, but there I was spinning this beautiful woman around and enjoying every damn second of it. If you had told me a year ago I’d be dancing in a bar with a gorgeous redhead, I would’ve called you a damn liar and laughed in your face. But this girl had me in the palm of her hand. And I knew I’d do anything with her anywhere. All she had to do was say it.
She pulled me close around my neck until her head rested right against my shoulder and her mouth was near my ear.
“Knock knock, Holden.”
I looked at the ceiling like someone up there could help me. “Really? And we were having such a good time.”
“Knock knock,” she sang into my ear again, clearly ignoring me.
“Fine. Who’s there?”
“Honeydew.”
I looked down at her grinning face on my shoulder before asking, “Honeydew who?”
Dancing caramel eyes peered up at me. “Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?”
A chuckle escaped me despite myself.
“You’re dimpling,” she accused.
I leaned my face against hers and kept swaying us from side to side. “You make me smile, Mae Jacobs. I can’t help it,” I whispered near her ear.
Her body locked up against mine for a minute before she melted into me once again. “I do?” she whispered back.
Grabbing her chin with my finger and thumb, I dragged her eyes to mine. “You make everyone smile, Mae. You’re special like that.”
Her forehead wrinkled. She looked bewildered. “I do?” she breathed.
I just shook my head and clutched her to me harder, pressing her head back to my shoulder. I liked her there. This girl was fucking priceless, and the fact that she didn’t know her worth only made her more invaluable.
She snuggled into me like an old quilt. It felt like it was just us two on the floor.
“Where does your vast wealth of knock knock jokes come from?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.
Her chest vibrated against mine in laughter. “Ainsley got me a knock knock joke book for Christmas. Aren’t you excited for more?”
“I can hardly wait,” I answered.
“I haven’t even brought out the big guns yet, Hold. She also got me a pickup line book.”
“Fantastic.” I laughed.
“I know, I’m—”
A blast.
Panic.
Darkness.
Best Friends
Adrian
Ainsley
Holden
He was laughing and dancing with me. My freaking heart could barely stand it, it felt so incredible. Sure, he was quiet around my friends, but I knew he’d warm up one day. I liked the fact that Holden didn’t just automatically let people in.
When he graced me with one of his rare smiles it made me feel important, cherished, and so very, very special. Holden Steel, face of a thousand different scowls didn’t scowl at me. He liked me. A lot.
A deafening bang sounded and all of a sudden, we were in the pitch dark. The bar eerily silent. I barely had a second to register the change before I was tackled to the floor, a rough hand thrown over my mouth, a huge body covering mine. I knew it was Holden because I could smell him and because he hadn’t even let me go before he tackled my behind and threw me down.
I tried moving my head from beneath his hand. I tried rolling to no avail. “Holden,” I tried to call to him from behind his hand, but it came out garbled and I knew he couldn’t understand. “Holden,” I tried again, starting to panic, my pulse skyrocketing. I pried one hand free from underneath his big body and shoved his shoulder, trying to get his attention.
The bar that had been quieted by the blast and darkness started coming back to life. Whispers. Low voices. It was still completely dark, but I heard people calling to each other and talking.
“Miranda!” I heard Ainsley and Kelly calling me, but I couldn’t answer them.
I used my hand to shove Holden hard this time to get him to move. I used it to try and pry his hand off my mouth, but I couldn’t make him budge. His weight only anchored me to the floor further.
It’s okay, I told myself. Holden would never hurt you. He cares about you. Only, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of the day he’d stood in my apartment yelling at me. He’d terrified me then, too.
“Stay down,” Holden hissed out, and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. He was too heavy. His hand was over my mouth. Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes and ran down the sides of my face into my hair.
“Please,” I cried, my lips pressed so firmly to his hand, they stung. I felt frantic.
“Stay the fuck down,” he whispered into my ear and I froze for a moment, shocked.
He sounded removed, faraway. My heart pounded so loudly in my chest I could hear the whooshing in my ears. I had to get out from under him. I kicked my leg out, trying to gain leverage. I slapped at him with my one free hand.
“Miranda! Holden!” I heard Adrian call in the darkness and I bucked my body, trying to get loose. I didn’t understand why we were on the floor. Why he was holding me down. It scared the bejesus out of me. I felt people walking near us, and I was beginning to become scared we were going to get trampled.
“Please,” I mumbled behind Holden’s hand again, trying to pry his hand loose from my mouth once more.
“Miranda.” I heard Adrian closer this time, and Holden seemed to huddle closer to me, dragging my one free hand back under his body, between us. Was he trying to protect me? I didn’t understand, and I was getting more terrified by the minute.
The lights snapped back on and a low hum sounded through the club. I shot my eyes to Holden’s, but he was looking around, his scowl deep. I blinked against the light in the club and mumbled Holden’s name again behind his hand when his eyes finally met mine.
They looked empty peering down at me before scouring the club again. It was like he was somewhere else. Where was he?
I pried my hand back out again and touched the side of his face. “Holden,” I mumbled again against his palm.
“Hold, please.” I forced his vacant gaze to mine with my hand. “Please let me up.” Forget panic, I was full-on terrifie
d now. My hand was shaking like a leaf against his cheek and a few more tears slipped down the sides of my face.
The people milling about were starting to take notice of our situation and I heard whispers and a small crowd was starting to form when I heard an outraged, “What the fuck, man?”
“Get the fuck off her right now,” Adrian roared, pulling at Holden’s big body until Holden finally fell in a heap at my side.
I sat up and pushed away from him, crawling backward on my hands closer to Adrian and far away from Holden, the pulsing terror in my body making me feel light-headed.
Holden rocked up onto his knees, and I was scared he was going to attack me to the floor again, but instead he blinked long and hard, his eyes clearing.
I immediately knew he was back with us.
He looked around the bar confused before his eyes finally landed on me. I knew what he saw. My tear-streaked face, my messy hair.
He looked confused by it all and immediately reached for me, but Adrian was in front of him and between us in a flash.
“You do not fucking touch her, man!” he shouted down at Holden.
I felt arms lift me from the floor and found Kelly and Ainsley behind me holding me up.
“You okay?” Ainsley asked, wiping the tears off my cheeks.
“Yeah,” I breathed, my skin still crawling with adrenaline.
I tried to peer around Adrian to Holden, but with the girls fussing over me I wasn’t having much luck.
“I’m fine. I’m good,” I said, pushing their hands away. I needed to check on Holden. Something bad had happened. Something I didn’t understand but somehow knew it wasn’t his fault.
I stepped around Adrian and Holden glanced at me as he lumbered to his feet.
“Don’t even fucking look at her. You should go home. Now,” Adrian demanded to him while stepping in front of me.
Holden looked up at me anyway and I couldn’t help but think of him holding me down, covering my mouth. I put my hand to my stinging lips.
Holden’s look of confusion cleared long enough for me to see shame. Bringing his hands out in front of him, he studied them hard and then looked at them angrily like they’d betrayed him before swallowing hard.
Then he nodded, looking completely resigned. Like he’d lost a battle. With himself.
He rose up off the floor slowly. With slumped shoulders he made his way for the exit of the club, but I couldn’t let him leave like that. It seemed wrong. Everything about the entire situation seemed so horribly wrong.
I started after him, yelling, “Wait! Holden!” Only Adrian grabbed my arm and pinned me to his side, Ainsley and Kelly on the other side of me.
Holden turned around and looked at the four of us together, his face completely miserable, his eyes defeated.
“It’s okay,” I mouthed. It wasn’t okay. I was still upset. He’d scared me. But I couldn’t let him walk out of that bar without saying that.
He shook his head slowly before leaving me at the bar with my friends.
“What the hell just happened?” Kelly asked me.
I just shook my head because I didn’t have a freaking clue what had happened. One minute I was dancing, laughing, kissing Holden and the next, he had me pinned to the floor.
“God, that scared the hell out of me,” Ainsley said into my hair. “And I thought the loud bang scared me, but nothing compared to seeing that big man holding you to the floor.”
“Must’ve been the transformer blowing,” Kelly said.
I sucked in a breath. The bang. The blast. That’s when he pinned me. I thought about my PTSD reading. Maybe that had set him off? I wanted to run after him. I wanted him to tell me what had happened. He’d never tried to hurt me before. I trusted him. I knew he’d never intentionally harm me.
Before I could run off and find Holden, Adrian brought his arm all the way around me and pulled me to his chest in a tight hug. He rubbed my back and I might have broken down a little and cried into the front of his black shirt.
“It’s okay, Miranda panda,” he soothed.
But it wasn’t okay. It was the farthest thing from okay ever. Because Holden was way more messed up than I had anticipated. He hadn’t just lost his leg and his best friend in Afghanistan. He’d lost so much more, and I didn’t know how to help him. And I thought I loved him.
Adrian leaned back and looked down at me, his hands still rubbing my back. He studied my face for a minute before he looked a little angry. “That man isn’t for you. Do you hear what I’m saying?” he asked harshly.
I knew he was trying to protect me like he’d protected me nearly our entire lives. But he couldn’t save me from Holden Steel. I couldn’t even save myself. I was in too deep. You couldn’t help who you loved. No matter how damaged.
“Promise me, Miranda. Promise me you’ll leave that man alone. He has issues you shouldn’t be touching with a ten-foot pole. Do you understand? I know you’re a fixer, but you can’t fix that.”
I just hugged Adrian back and stayed silent. I couldn’t promise him a thing. My Holden was broken. I had to do something.
The car ride was dead silent and when we pulled up to the apartment, Adrian looked into the backseat, his face more than worried.
“I wish you would consider staying at our place tonight, Miranda. I don’t feel like it’s safe here.” He glanced at the apartment building and then back at me.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll be fine.”
“You’ll lock your door and you won’t bother him tonight. Promise me.”
“Good night, Adrian,” I said, getting out of the car. I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep. I climbed the stairs slowly, knowing I had to stop and knock on Holden’s door but not knowing exactly what to say. What did one say to someone who had only hours ago attacked them and pinned them to the floor albeit seemingly accidental?
I stood in front of his door, with my heels in my hand and my head hanging, a killer headache to boot. I knocked on the door and waited and I waited some more, realizing he either wasn’t going to answer or he just plain old wasn’t home. I was bummed and worried as heck about him, but a little relieved. Maybe a confrontation wasn’t what we needed tonight. Maybe we needed time to sleep if off so we could talk about what had happened without our emotions being so high.
But I hardly slept at all that night. I had nightmares. Not the kind that tortured Holden. I didn’t dream of him holding me down with his hand over his mouth. No, I dreamed of his face when he left me at the bar. How alone he looked. How done with life. It made my bones ache with how much I hurt for him.
The next morning I got up for our walk and walked down the steps, but I knew. Holden and Mae’s walks were over. He never showed and I wasn’t surprised, so I went to Letty’s and had a cup of coffee before heading back up to my apartment and getting to work. But I didn’t even take joy in that.
That night when I settled into bed, I felt sick with sorrow. Maybe our walks weren’t the only thing that was over. Maybe Mae and Holden were over. Period. The end. And that tore me up. I already missed him and it had only been a day.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and typed out a message. I didn’t know what to say to fix things, so I said the only thing I could think to say.
Me: Good night, Holden
Days passed. Long, fucking miserable-ass days since I’d last seen my Mae. Since I’d touched her. Since I’d hurt her. Since I scared her. Since I disappointed her.
I felt sick every time I thought about that night. The blast, the darkness, and then all of a sudden I wasn’t in that downtown nightclub anymore. I was instantly transported to the desert. My Mae, she wasn’t supposed to be there, but she was. I had to protect her. I had to save her, so I’d clutched her to me and covered her body with mine. I needed to keep her quiet. I’d never let anyone hurt her. Only, I had. I’d hurt her.
God, I was a mess. I was fucked up. I needed to stay far away from her before I really hurt her. I almost had. Just picturing Adrian’
s livid face made my gut churn. He knew. It was like he knew it was gonna happen before it did. He’d expected I’d hurt her and I had.
I’d rushed home that night and immediately headed to my bedroom and the pills from my bedside table, telling myself that my leg hurt when in reality it’d been my heart, my soul. I’d downed two pills and lain on my bed, praying for sleep to take me. Then another, because sleep still evaded me. I didn’t want to think about Mae or what had happened anymore. I couldn’t. It fucking killed me. But sleep never came for the wicked.
So I lay there, thinking of all I’d lost in a split second. Her smell, her taste, her silly jokes, her sweet, kind nature. I’d lost perfection. I hadn’t deserved it in the first place.
She’d knocked on my door that night like a damn fool. I could have seriously injured her and she came back to me. Why? Did she have no sense of self-preservation?
My stupid, stupid heart had leapt in my chest at her knock. She wouldn’t knock if she hated you, Steel, my heart said, but my head knew better. She didn’t hate me now, but she would eventually. She’d realize what a fucked up crazy mess I was. She’d realize what an asshole I was. What a terrible excuse for a human being I’d become. Oh, yeah, she’d hate me one day.
I hadn’t answered, but I couldn’t help myself from going to her. I’d walked to the door on unsteady legs, feeling high and a little less low. I’d placed my eye to the hole in the door and watched her face. Her sad face. And then she looked a little relieved. Maybe that she wouldn’t have to talk to me. I understood that. I barely understood what had happened, so how would she ever comprehend it? The pills had almost made me let her in. The little white tablets, they lied. I knew they did. So I didn’t listen to them when they told me to let her in. That she’d take away my pain. Nothing would.
She’d turned and headed to her apartment door, and I watched her unlock it and walk inside, deciding that was the last time I’d see her. I’d avoid her at all cost.
And the last several days had gone by excruciatingly slow, and Mae wasn’t making it any easier.
I ignored everyone and everything. I didn’t go to therapy. I didn’t take my walks. She might be out there waiting for me. She probably was. I felt like she’d always be. It was as comforting as it was frightening.
