by Amy Hatvany
Garret plopped gratefully back next to me on the blanket, then called out to his daughter. “Stay away from the edge, okay?”
“Okay, Daddy!” She took a deliberately large step backward and turned to see if Garret approved.
“That’s great, peanut.”
“She is such a good kid,” I remarked, sipping at the remainder of my iced tea. “Does she ever disobey you?”
He snickered. “Oh, God, yes. You should see her at home. She’s on her best behavior today, trying to impress you.”
“Well, it’s working. She’s exactly how I dream a child should be.” I paused, for effect. “Then, of course, there are Nova’s kids.”
Garret laughed outright. “They’re a handful, aren’t they? Managing four is much, much different than one. I don’t know how she does it with Ryan away so often.”
“Do you want more children?”
“If I find the right woman to be their mother, then yes, definitely.”
“You seem to be doing fine on your own.”
He sighed, straightened his shorts, and then sat up to look at me, his forearms resting on bent knees. His baseball cap shrouded his handsome face in a dark shadow, making it almost impossible to see his eyes. “I think she’d be happier with a mother.”
I adjusted my position on the blanket, tucking both my legs to one side under me and leaning on a straightened arm. “Why? She obviously adores you.”
“Well, sure. How could she not?”
“Ha-ha. So modest.”
“One of my better-hidden qualities.” He grinned, then continued. “But to answer your question, she’s always asking me for one. She wants to know why she doesn’t have a mommy like Rebecca has Nova. I mean, Nova’s terrific—she’s as close to an adoptive mommy as I could find—but I just think Lucy needs someone all to herself. Her own mother.”
“But not her actual mother.” I shifted position again, sitting cross-legged beneath the skirt of the floral cotton dress I’d chosen to wear. I rested my elbows on my knees, fingers laced loosely together in front of me.
“Absolutely not. Jackie was not cut out for the job of taking care of a child.”
“What job was she cut out for?”
“Taking care of Jackie.”
I sucked the air in through my teeth, nodding. “Oh. I see.”
“She told me she got pregnant because she thought it was what you were supposed to do when you got married, like it was the next ingredient in a recipe.”
“Add baby, stir well?” I ventured.
Garret laughed. “Exactly.” Then he sighed, wistful. “I thought she was the love of my life. She was this perfect package of a woman.” Here he smiled wryly. “I guess that would have tipped a smarter man off. She just had this way of making me believe she was everything I’d ever need. Then, pow!” He made a fist with one hand and popped it into an open palm. “Flattened my heart like a Mack truck.”
I brushed a stray red curl out of my line of vision. “Ouch.”
“Yeah.”
“Does she visit?”
“She pops up now and then. She gave me exclusive custody in the divorce settlement and didn’t ask for visitation rights. Not that that surprised me.”
“Do you even talk about her with Lucy?”
“As little as possible.” He adjusted his hat, then looked at me, sidelong. “I suppose you think that makes me a terrible father.”
I paused for a moment, considering this. I knew a little about terrible fathers, and from what I’d seen so far, Garret didn’t even come close to being one. “Not necessarily. Silence seems like it would be healthier than bad-mouthing her.”
“I hope so. Especially since what I’d have to say would be less than complimentary.” He shrugged, as if to remove something itchy and uncomfortable from between his shoulder blades. A small gesture, but one that hinted at the wound left inside him. “I mostly tell Lucy that her mommy just has to live in another state, like her grandparents do. That’s usually enough to satisfy her. For now, at least. I guess someday I’ll have to find a way to explain that not everyone can handle being a parent. It’s a tough gig.”
I nodded. “I’m getting a taste of it with Jenny. I think I’m going to go nuts sometimes from how much taking care of her demands of me. It never stops. Even when I get a break, I don’t really get to relax since she could need something from me at any moment.”
“That’s how it is with babies, too. It does get easier, though, as they get older. Lucy insists on doing so much for herself these days…. ” He paused. “Do you want kids of your own?”
I hesitated, taking a moment to stretch my legs out straight in front of me. “That’s something I’ve asked myself a lot, lately. I can’t give you a simple answer.”
“So give me a complicated one.”
“Do you want to hear something really complicated? Something I haven’t even told Nova?” I couldn’t believe I was actually considering telling him what I’d barely even told myself. There was just something about him, something that made me feel safe.
“Sure, if you want.”
I swallowed hard, resting my eyes over on Jenny, who was watching Lucy fling handfuls of bread crumbs into the dancing group of ducks on the water. I couldn’t believe she was already seven months along, that two months had passed so quickly, the moments bleeding into each other like watercolors on a page. I was running out of time.
“I’m thinking about adopting Jenny’s baby,” I said, hopeful that if I made the words quiet enough, they wouldn’t hold as much power out loud as they did in my head. Oddly, after they were spoken, I felt stronger than I had keeping them so tightly under wraps.
Garret leaned toward me, squeezed my hand quickly, then let go. “I think that’s great.”
“You do?” I was amazed.
“Yep.”
“You don’t think I’m out of my mind?”
He tilted his dark head toward one shoulder. “Why would I think that? You’re related to that baby. Her blood is your blood. Of course you’d think about keeping her.”
“But I’m still not sure. I don’t know whether I could do it. Don’t you think I should be sure about something like that? I’m terrified something might turn up wrong with her, the way it did with Jenny. All the tests have been negative so far, but you never know what might happen. Jenny was basically normal for almost a year before her disabilities really showed themselves.”
“First of all,” Garret began, turning his body toward mine. He quickly glanced toward the pond to check on his daughter before turning his gaze back to me and continuing. “No one is ever really sure about becoming a parent. I wasn’t. I was terrified when Jackie was pregnant. I played the ‘what if?’ game till I thought I’d go nuts. What if she’s got Down’s syndrome? What if she doesn’t have any feet? You can’t believe the crazy stuff I came up with.”
“No feet?” I threw my hands up in the air, joking. “Give me more to worry about, why don’t you?”
Garret sucked his lower lip under the top row of his teeth. “Oops. Sorry. I was actually trying to make you feel better.”
I laughed. “I know. It’s all just really overwhelming, any way I look at it. The idea of being a single parent … Well, then I see you and Lucy and you seem to manage everything so smoothly, parenthood, career.” I paused. “The restaurant is fabulous, by the way. I don’t think I told you that. I really liked the feel of the place.”
And I had. When we’d stopped there earlier to pick up the lunch he had prepared the night before, Garret had given me a quick tour. It was right on the beach; all of the tables had a view of the water through walls made entirely of sliding glass doors. The tables themselves were naked wicker with glass tops, their centers adorned by dew-fresh, bursting bouquets of sun yellow roses and purple freesia. The chairs were high-backed, wicker as well, though heavily padded, looking to be the kind that were difficult to convince your body to move from once you were settled in for a meal. The kitchen was well-spaced a
nd efficiently planned, with shining stainless-steel appliances and countertops. I confirmed Nova’s assessment of Garret’s expectations for perfection with a large sign that hung over the wait staff’s station. It read IF YOU’VE GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU’VE GOT TIME TO CLEAN.
He smiled, obviously pleased. “Thanks. I’ve worked hard to make it that way. But my life doesn’t go smoothly all of the time. If I’m not taking care of Lucy, I’m taking care of some crisis at the restaurant…. ” He threw his hands up in the air in a casual I-give-up gesture. “It doesn’t leave much time for me. There are days I want to run away, screaming.”
“What would you run away to?”
He shrugged. “I don’t really know. Just away. Don’t you ever feel like that?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s a feeling I’m very well acquainted with. I’ve even indulged it a couple of times. That’s how I ended up a baker with a master’s degree.”
“Daddy!” Lucy hollered in our direction, holding up the now-empty plastic bag. “We’re all done!”
“Duty calls.” Garret grinned, standing up and reaching a hand down to help me do the same. “I should probably get her home for a nap.”
“I could use one myself.” I rubbed my stomach. “You’re a great cook. I am positively stuffed. I think I gained five pounds.” We had eaten a glorious pasta salad filled with dark, juicy olives, roasted red peppers and goat cheese, crusty French bread, plump purple grapes, and cream-cheese-swirled brownies. No crumbs remained.
“That’s okay. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.”
“Thanks a lot.” I self-consciously sucked in my gut.
Garret moved the flat of his palm up and down my back, sending shivers to my scalp. I felt his eyes glide over my skin like a touch as he spoke. “I mean it. Any man in his right mind would be thrilled to curl up to someone like you.”
I smiled shyly and tried to accept the compliment gracefully. “Well, thanks.”
Garret kept his hand on the small of my back as we walked over to the pond. While we loaded Jenny and Lucy into his car and then for the entire drive home, a stupid grin plastered itself on my face. I knew it was silly, I knew I was stepping into dangerous emotional territory, but I simply could not help but savor that this amazing man had closed his eyes and imagined the feel of his body next to mine.
• • •
The next morning I sat at Nova’s kitchen table, my forehead resting in open hands. Jenny was in the living room on the couch watching a Sesame Street video; after all these years Grover still made her smile. Nova’s older children played outside while Layla slept in the swing near Jenny, her chubby infant neck squished against her chest in a way that made me worry she’d have a hard time breathing. But Nova assured me that the baby was fine, that all babies slept that way until they gained better head control.
“What am I doing with this guy?” I groaned to my friend. I had barely slept the night before, replaying the time I had spent with Garret at the park.
“What do you want to do with him?” Nova asked wickedly as she reached for a couple of mugs from the cupboard above the stove and poured us both coffee. She was barefoot and wore a scoop-necked ocean blue linen dress, princess-cut and tied in the back to accent her hourglass shape. The rise of her fleshy bottom pushed at the material as she moved, swishing the skirt around her legs in a fluid motion. Her lush figure looked like something to aspire to; it made me proud to be a woman.
I groaned again. “That’s a horrible question. Not that you don’t already know the answer.”
“Hmmm, let me see.” Nova tapped her index finger to the side of her face in mock contemplation. “What would you possibly want to do with Garret? Go grocery shopping with him? Do his laundry, perhaps?”
I wadded up a napkin and threw it at her. “Stop it.”
She grinned as she set a steaming cup of black liquid in front of me, then poured in a quick shot of half-and-half. I watched the cauliflower explosion of cream with great interest, waiting until the drink became the perfect shade of taupe. There was something comforting in having her know the exact color my coffee should be. Whatever part of me grieved for the loss of a normal sister relationship with Jenny also thanked the stars for blessing me with Nova.
I blew on the hot fluid, then took a small sip, holding the mug with both hands. “So, am I just indulging a childish fantasy?”
“I don’t know. Are you?” She stood at the counter, one ankle crossed over the other, sipping at her own drink.
“Could you stop asking me more questions and give me some advice here, please?”
“What do you want me to tell you, that it’s okay to sleep with him because things are shaky with Shane?” She shrugged. “Sorry, chick. Not gonna happen.”
I set down my coffee. “I didn’t say I want to sleep with him…. ”
Nova held up her hand to stop me. “Please.”
“I didn’t! It’s just— We had such a great time yesterday. He listens to me. He barely knows me and he’s interested in how I feel and what I think and what I want. It’s very flattering.”
“Hmm,” she murmured, contemplating.
“I found myself picturing him holding our baby, for Christ’s sake. I’ve never once done that with Shane. I feel like I’m already cheating on him and I haven’t even done anything.”
“So now you not only want to sleep with him, you want to have his baby?”
I paused, stuck my finger in my coffee to stir it around. “Maybe not his baby.” I looked up at her. “Maybe Jenny’s baby.”
Nova set her cup noisily on the white tile counter and came over to sit by me, her expression a blend of confusion and concern. “I thought motherhood wasn’t in the plan for you.”
“I thought so, too. I’m reconsidering, I guess.” I swallowed before continuing. “I just can’t stand the thought of handing her over to some stranger to raise. She’s my sister’s child, you know? I can’t stop thinking that I’m supposed to take care of her.”
“The way you wished you’d taken care of Jenny before you left?”
I paused, considering this. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
Nova puffed up her cheeks and exhaled loudly. “I wish you’d stop feeling like you have something to make up for with Jenny. You have been busting your butt the past couple of months.”
“And that makes up for years of neglect?”
“You neglected me and I don’t feel like you need to make up for anything.”
I sighed. “That’s different.”
She shifted on the bench, leaning her back against the edge of the table as she crossed her legs. “Why?”
“It just is. I didn’t abandon you in an institution where you ended up getting raped.” I shook as emotion welled up in the muscles of my chest and took control of my words. “And for what? What is so extraordinary about my life that my sister had to be raped for it?” Tears threatened my voice. “And I just can’t stop thinking about it, you know? How she must have felt, what she must have been thinking with that horrible man on top of her…. How it must have reminded her—” A shuddering breath escaped me. “Did she cry? Did he hold his hand over her mouth so no one would hear? God, how it must have felt to her with no one to protect her. No one to tell what had happened. Again.” I was weeping now, and Nova grabbed my hands, her eyes glazed with tears.
“Listen to me,” she said, her round chin trembling. “You can’t control the world. The men who hurt her are not your responsibility. Punishing yourself is not going to make up for what they did. And adopting Jenny’s baby just to relieve your guilt is a pretty empty reason for becoming a mother.”
“I know,” I agreed, pulling my hands from her grasp. “But I can’t get it out of my mind that I’m supposed to do it.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and sipped nervously at my drink. “Do you have any chocolate? Caffeine isn’t cutting it.”
“Does the Pope have a Bible?” She jumped up and opened the freezer, pulling out a quart of double fudge ice cream
. “Bowls?”
I shook my head. “No.”
She grabbed a couple of spoons from the drawer beneath the sink and set the tub between us on the table, glancing out the back door. “If the kids catch me doing this, I’ll never hear the end of it. It’s barely nine o’clock.”
I dug out a bite and slid it into my mouth, the cold strangely pleasing after the heat of my coffee. After a couple more bites and several deep breaths, the tension that had rattled my core slowly began to dissipate. I looked up to see Nova staring out the window, checking on the kids as they played in the backyard. I found myself suddenly envious of her life. “What made you realize you were ready to be a mother?” I asked her.
She moved her gaze back to me, took a bite of ice cream, then smiled, her mouth still full as she spoke. “The stick turned blue when I peed on it.”
I choked on the ice cream as I laughed. “Really. I want to know.”
“It’s true!” she insisted. “With Isaac, at least. If you remember my telling you, he wasn’t exactly planned. Ryan and I wanted to be married awhile before having kids, but a couple months after the wedding I started feeling pukey in the mornings and voilà: Welcome to parenthood.”
“What’s it like?”
“Being a mother, you mean?”
I nodded, quickly dipping the next bite of ice cream into my coffee for a touch of mocha flavor.
“It’s the absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me. All the clichés you hear about it having the biggest rewards and the most difficult challenges?”
I nodded again, my mouth full.
“Absolutely true. There are moments of utter joy balanced only by hours of excruciating terror.”
“Terror? You? Come on. You’re great with your kids.”
“Not all the time, babe. It’s not a pretty sight when I lose it. However passionately you love your babies, there are moments you dislike them just as much.”
“So you’re saying it’s not easy.”
“Far from easy. But let me tell you, the other moments, the ones when you’re rocking them to sleep and they look up at you with your own eyes and smile … ” She shook her head fondly. “There ain’t nothing in the world like it. Then they reach up for your hand when you’re taking them for a walk and they don’t even look up to see if your hand is there. They just know it will be…. ” Nova’s words sputtered a bit as she spoke and a fine mist veiled her eyes. She waved fluttery fingers in front of her face. “Oy. Look at me. All worked up.”
