The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “What are you...?”

  “Oh, you remember this?” he stepped aside to reveal the little pocket camcorder he had with him during our outing the prior week. He’d placed it on top of a crate overlooking the opening ... or arena, as I was starting to think it must be. A red light blinked to indicate it was recording. “I hope you don't mind,” he said. “I missed getting any good footage the last time, so I wanted to be sure I captured your horrific death for posterity's sake.”

  “Good,” Tom replied. He and Ed stepped up to flank me on either side. “I'm gonna want a copy of us fucking up your shit six ways to Sunday. Might even put it on YouTube.”

  Jeff looked less than perturbed by the threat. “How rude. You weren't thinking of all ganging up on little old me, now were you?” he asked in a mocking, innocent voice.

  “The thought had crossed my mind,” I answered for all of us.

  “Aren't you forgetting something?” he asked in that same infuriating tone.

  I thought about it for a second and then shook my head. “Not unless you were planning on surrendering.”

  He rolled his eyes at me – guess I know where Sally got it from – and asked, “Your mom?”

  Oh, crap! I had almost forgotten. This was also a rescue mission to find ... someone. It would be pretty damn sad if we ended up winning the day only to leave some poor schmuck tied up here to starve to death, all because it slipped my mind. Guys like Batman just didn't do stupid shit like that.

  “Let her go,” I finally replied, beyond all pretense of nervousness at that point. The talk was winding down. It was only a matter of time before the killing began. I found myself actually wanting things to start playing themselves out before what little nerve I had left fizzled.

  Jeff nodded. “Very well. Your mother is free to go.”

  What? That was it? He didn't even demand that I give him a pretty please? If things were ever this easy on CSI, each episode would be about three minutes long.

  “Well ... uh ... thanks,” I sputtered, not really knowing what else to say.

  “Don't mention it.” His mocking tone was back. “But wait. How rude of me. I would be a poor host if I let your dear old mother walk out of here without first offering her some refreshments.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Ed asked.

  “You mean you haven't figured it out yet, you silly little monkey? It was such a long night, what with me tracking down where you lived, rearranging your apartment, and then kidnapping Dr. Death's mommy ... well, I was just so parched by the time I got back here that I couldn't help myself.”

  Oh, shit!

  “My dear, if you would be so kind,” he called out to the warehouse. “HELP YOURSELF TO THE HUMANS!!”

  The compulsion wasn't aimed at either me or Sally. Instead there came an inhuman screech from somewhere within the warehouse. It was followed by a scrabbling sound as something made its way toward us from atop the crates.

  We all tensed up and looked around ... all of us except for Sally, who was still firmly rooted in place. A few moments passed and then something hissed at us from above.

  We looked up as a desiccated creature crawled into view. Its eyes were black, all traces of humanity gone from them, and its fangs were bared. Despite her feral appearance, however, I was fairly sure who I was looking at.

  “Son of a...” gasped Tom.

  “Mrs. Caven?” I asked as the crazy old lady who lived – formerly lived – downstairs from us growled hungrily in our direction.

  Jesus Christ, I was a moron. I had never even considered that Jeff might have taken his stupid little accusation of me living in the same building as my mom seriously. Although, now that I thought about it, I wasn't sure who was the bigger idiot: him for believing it or me for not remembering and checking on my neighbors. Surely she would have begged and pleaded for her life, telling him that she wasn't my mom, but Jeff was the type of douche to hear that and assume someone was just trying to save their own ass. I guess it never crossed his mind to maybe ... I don’t know ... check her pocketbook for identification.

  “What the hell do we do?” Ed asked in a frantic voice. Me being turned into a vampire he could handle. Staring down a centuries-old monster? No problem, either. However, facing off against our geriatric neighbor? That was apparently the thing that freaked Ed out. If we made it through this, no way was he living that one down.

  “She called the cops on me,” snarled Tom.

  “Well, you were drunk and pissing on the side of the building,” I pointed out.

  “Fuck the details,” he replied. “I say we kill the bitch.”

  “Okay, so how do...” I was interrupted by the sudden sensation of flying across the open space. Stupid! Mrs. Caven had distracted me enough to not notice Jeff approaching. Before I even had a chance to register his presence, he’d tossed me to the side like I was nothing. I slammed into, and then through, a wooden crate before finally winding up in a heap on the floor.

  “Let your mom entertain your friends,” Jeff said, getting closer with each word. “You're my guest.” By the time he was finished, he was looming over me.

  I had taken a good shot, but had managed to roll a bit on impact (no doubt a fortunate side effect of my half week spent as a martial arts training dummy). It hadn’t exactly been a walk in paradise, but I was still far from out of it. I launched myself at Jeff's midsection, yelling, “She's not my mom, you stupid twat!”

  Or at least I tried to yell that. By the time I got to you, I had been thrown again. I must have flown almost twenty feet before landing in the center of the clearing on the nice soft concrete floor. Ouch! I was starting to miss getting tossed around at the dojo. At least there the floors were covered with mats.

  As far as battle plans went, this one was turning out fairly shitty in my favor. I rolled back to my feet, albeit a bit less energetically than the last time. Jeff was still standing in the same spot. For the time being, I hadn't given him any reason to pick up the pace.

  I chanced a glance over to my two roommates. For the moment, they seemed to be holding Mrs. Caven at bay. There was too much chaos for Ed to get a clear shot but, fortunately for them, their opponent, despite being a vampire, wasn't exactly in tiptop shape. She wasn't achieving much luck, either, in pressing an advantage. I just had to hope my roomies could keep their shit together long enough to go the distance, because it looked like I had my hands full.

  As for Sally, she was still firmly rooted in place. “Don't go anywhere,” I quipped to her. Mortal danger or not, I wasn't about to let a chance at having the last word slip away.

  “Funny,” Jeff said. “Joke all you want, because it's going to get a lot harder to do that once I've torn your windpipe out.”

  Okay, it was time to change tactics. I had no chance of winning as long as I was playing by his rules. I needed to fight his brawn with my brains.

  I looked Jeff straight in the eye across the expanse of our little battlefield and sneered. “That all you got, pussy?”

  “Oh, now you're going to give me the tough guy routine?” He let out a laugh. “I think we've already established who's superior here.”

  “Think so?” I replied with a grin. “Your lackeys were all smart enough to fear me, but not you ... in fact, I think you may be just too goddamned stupid to let live.”

  A flicker of anger crossed his eyes. That was it. He could dish it out, but guys like him couldn't take it.

  “I'm the Freewill, asshole. You have no idea what I'm capable of.” I pulled one of the homemade stakes out of my belt and pointed it at him. “Come get some!”

  Finally! That was the line to use. I didn’t care who you were, it was just not possible to say that and not sound cool.

  Jeff must have thought so, too. He charged me, a complete look of rage on his face. I stood my ground for a second, just long enough for him to close the distance ... and then I sidestepped and bolted for the maze of crates. Momma ... and no, I didn’t mean the crazy vampire bitch my
buddies were fighting ... didn't raise no fool.

  “You fucking coward!” he shouted as I disappeared into the depths of the warehouse.

  “He who fights and runs away...” I gleefully yelled back. I took a bunch of blind turns at full speed, getting good and lost in the process. If he wanted me, he was going to have to work for it.

  It was silent for a moment in the warehouse. Finally, there was a scream of pain – Mrs. Caven – followed by a dull thud. I had a moment to hope that it was a good thud and not a bad thud when I heard what sounded like someone driving a car through the wall of a house. A moment later, the sound repeated itself, closer this time. What the hell? Then it hit me. Jeff was plowing straight through the boxes and crates on a beeline toward me. Oh yeah, he was pissed.

  The bad news was that by going through and not around the crates, he was making good time catching up to me. Luckily that meant I knew exactly where he was, whereas I still had stealth on my side.

  Back when I was a kid, during trips down to the shore, I had played “Manhunt” in the high weeds. Oftentimes the kid who won was the one with the patience to wait for everyone else to give away their positions. He would then sneak back to home base while the rest of us were hunted down and caught.

  I waited a second until it was obvious which direction Jeff was headed, and then I stealthily attempted to double back to the clearing.

  My plan was ... well, okay, I had no plan. I was too amazed that I was still alive to be able to form a coherent strategy. In other words, I was kinda playing it by ear. The best I had was a vague hope that I could snap Sally out of it. Together we could probably wear Jeff down or, at the very least, he might be so distracted by pummeling one of us, that the other could sneak in and stake the shit out of him.

  I made it back to the clearing, Jeff's cries of “where are you, chickenshit?” echoing throughout the warehouse. Tom and Ed's battle had carried them to the center of the open space. Fortunately, it looked like things were going in their favor. They had Mrs. Caven down on the floor between them and were busy working her over with their aluminum bats.

  “How you guys doing?” I asked, racing past them toward where Sally still stood.

  “Peachy,” Ed replied. “You?”

  “Been better.” I stopped in front of the still rigid Sally and debated what to do for a split second. Finally, I just said, “Screw it,” and belted her hard across the mouth.

  She fell backward, but her eyes cleared almost immediately and she managed to grunt, “Ow.” It wasn’t much, but it was more than I had been able to get out of her so far.

  “Sorry. All I could think of.” I offered her a hand and helped her to her feet. “Good to have you back.”

  “Good to be...”

  “SALLY, RIGHT CROSS!!” Jeff's voice ordered from out of nowhere.

  Without warning, her fist shot out and clocked me, sending me tumbling toward my roommates. “Sorry,” she said quickly before her eyes could once again glaze over, as Jeff followed up with another compulsion.

  “NOW STAY PUT!!” he commanded her, stepping into the clearing. He saw me lying on my ass and smiled. “I should have probably mentioned those quick compulsions are a bitch to fight as well.” He once again started toward me.

  I quickly turned toward my roommates and held out a hand. “Batter up!”

  To his credit, Ed only hesitated for a second before tossing me the bat he’d been working over our downstairs neighbor with. Mrs. Caven appeared to be down for the count by then, anyway.

  With no time to think about what I was doing, I rose and spun at the same time, swinging it in an arc.

  CRACK! Home run! The blow connected solidly with the side of Jeff's head and he went flying. Unfortunately, his flight was cut short as he crashed into Sally's unmoving form. They went down together in a bundle of arms and legs. I was beginning to wonder, if somehow I managed to beat him, whether or not I'd then have to deal with a pissed off Sally wanting to kill me. Oh well, I guess I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

  Jeff was down, but he was far from out. Within the space of no more than a few seconds, he was already rising. The side of his head was bloody, but he looked otherwise unhurt. Shit! I had put a lot into that swing. If that didn't faze him, I wasn't sure what would.

  I discarded the bat. It had suffered more damage from the impact than Jeff had, anyway. “Any time you guys want to finish playing, I could use some help,” I said to my friends before once again racing toward the relative safety of the crates. I had just enough time to see them both shoot me a withering glare before I was dodging back and forth, trying to lose myself again.

  A horrible thought struck me as I ran. What if Jeff was smart enough not to fall for that one twice? He could kill my roommates and then take his time. He'd eventually corner me and that would be it.

  I was about to turn around and head back when I heard the familiar sound of wood splintering as something plowed through it. I guess I overestimated his intelligence. It was good to know that I hadn't gone to the well once too often as of yet. Gee, I wondered if he'd be even more ticked at me if he knew he was fulfilling my stereotype of him as a big dumbass.

  I was contemplating my next action when there came a thunderous roar, momentarily blotting out all other sound. What the...?! It didn't sound like it had come from Jeff's direction. As the sound faded, though, I distinctly heard Tom's voice. “Teach you to call the cops on me, bitch!” All right, the shotgun. It sounded like Mrs. Caven's days of snooping on our business were over.

  She probably deserved a better fate than she had been given. On the other hand, if offered the choice, I might take a short violent career as a vampire over slowly wasting away in some old folks home. Wouldn't you? No? Well, to each their own.

  Still, I couldn't resist feeling a little bit of hope. One vampire down meant my buddies could help me out. “Hear that, Jeffy?!” I cried out. “Sounds like your backup plan is toast!”

  “Like I need your mom to win!” he shouted in return, sounding closer than I had thought he would be.

  “For the last time, she's not my mom, you retard!” I yelled back, before realizing my mistake. My first shout had given him a general idea of my whereabouts. My second had let him zero in.

  Almost as soon as I closed my mouth, the crate next to me exploded, sending splinters of sharp wooden shrapnel flying into my body. However, if that was the opening act, then Jeff's fist was the encore. It came through and caught me square on the chest.

  I flew through the air in a daze, crashing through one crate before finally slamming into the metal detector near where we had first entered. As I landed, I could see daylight peeking through under the door from which we had come in. Or at least I thought it was daylight. I might have just been seeing stars. That one had hurt ... more than a lot. I tried to take a breath and the pain almost doubled me over. Then, when I exhaled, I hocked up blood along with any air. Not good.

  I tried and failed to stand as Jeff advanced from out of the shadows. “So this is it?” he asked, almost sounding disappointed. I desperately tried to think of something to try. Unfortunately, remembering my name was becoming a chore, much less coming up with a brilliant battle strategy.

  “Look at you,” he said with a sigh, reaching down a hand and locking it around my throat. “Pathetic.” He straightened up and dragged me to my feet.

  Hey, at least I could die standing. No, I needed to stop thinking like that. C'mon, stupid, concentrate. There had to be a way out of this.

  Smack! Jeff backhanded me across the face with his free hand. “To think that this is the mighty Freewill. A kitten would have put up a better fight.”