The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  That wasn’t good. Boston was the center of vampire-related activity on the East Coast. They didn’t often get involved in the day to day operations of the covens under their jurisdiction, but when they did, you could be certain shit was about to hit the fan. In my case, I was pretty sure a pile big enough to smother an elephant hung over my head.

  “Did they say...?”

  “No, they didn’t. Colin sounded pretty agitated over the phone, though. I think you’d best get your dumpy ass over here as soon as sundown hits.”

  Colin was the vampire currently in charge of the Northeast. It was a temporary position. However, since his boss, James, was missing, it was looking more and more likely that his would be a permanent promotion. Pity, as Colin was a little suck-up of a weasel. If he could have, he would have gladly glued his lips to the asses of the elder vamps who made up the First Coven, the vampire ruling body more affectionately known as the Draculas.

  A sheen of perspiration broke out on my forehead. “Oh, shit.”

  “Said with your usual eloquence,” Sally quipped. “So, are you coming?”

  “Do I have a choice?” Silence on the other end. “Sorry, stupid question. Yeah, I guess so. They can only kill me once, after all.”

  “Not really.” As usual, she was doing her best to make me feel worse. “See you in a few.”

  I hung up. This did not bode well for me. Three months ago, some serious shit had gone down. It had all started as a joke. Sally had shipped me to China, supposedly at James’s behest. Notice I didn’t say it was a funny joke. When Gan, a three-hundred-year-old spoiled vampire brat, decided she was in love with me, her father was displeased. Unfortunately for me, her father was the Khan, a member of the Draculas. Even less fortunate, his way of voicing displeasure was to send a trio of his best assassins to cut off my head. Not only had they failed, but the whole mission had turned out to be a fatal mistake on his part.

  Unbeknownst to me at the time, he and his people were attacked while this debacle was going on. His forces depleted, the Khan’s coven was overrun with nary a sign of any survivors.

  The rest of the Draculas subsequently pinned the blame on me. Word had come down from them that I was expected to make things right. The only problem was they didn’t specify how. I had thus spent those three months constantly looking over my shoulder.

  At last, it seemed I was finally going to get my answer. Oh, well, at least I would know and, according to GI Joe, that’s half the battle right there. Pity the rest of it would probably be slightly less fun.

  Anticipation is a Killer

  Both of my roommates, bless their still-beating hearts, insisted on coming along after I filled them in on the news. Part of it was their friendship to me, of which I was grateful. As for the rest, well, I wasn’t entirely stupid. I knew morbid curiosity when I saw it.

  While I was in China, James had absentmindedly dropped the name Alma to describe their enemies. An Internet search had revealed that Alma was the Mongolian name for Bigfoot. To say that my friends, Tom especially, were excited about the prospect of a vampire/Sasquatch showdown would’ve been an understatement. Hell, if I weren’t the one in danger of becoming a casualty of this grudge match, the eternal geek in me would have been pretty darn stoked about it, too.

  Still, their willingness to stand by my side was welcome. Unfortunately, as I explained to them, I couldn’t bring them to my meeting with Sally. Normally vampires and humans mix about as well as people and nacho platters. As the leader of Village Coven – a stupid name if ever there was one – I had decreed that my friends were off-limits. Even Sally had to agree with that one, as they had helped us both out on more than one occasion.

  Unfortunately, whoever was coming to see us wasn’t a part of my coven and weren’t beholden to my rules. If they were parched from their journey, then my roommates would make handy refreshments. I couldn’t let that happen. Thus, to all our chagrin, I had to turn them down and take a solo trip on the N-train toward Manhattan.

  Well okay, I wasn’t entirely alone. I had dozens of potentially horrific demises running through my head to keep me company. Lots of fun, I tell you.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The center of my undead “empire” was a place we simply refer to as the Office. My coven rented out a few floors in a building close to NYU. We had lots of places both in and under SoHo (sewers may stink, but they tended to be free of pesky things like sunlight). However, currently a lot of that space was empty. A while back, roughly half of my coven ended up permanently dead thanks to a combo of the Khan’s assassins and this little spat we had with another coven from Queens. Since then, despite Sally’s constant nagging, I’d been hemming and hawing my way out of replenishing our ranks.

  I’m sorry, but I have a conscience about these things. For starters, I had no desire to refill my coven with the current types that dominated it. When I first “joined” the ranks of the undead, Village Coven was entirely populated by two types: uber-hot, but entirely vacuous, females, and pretty-boy douchebags. Sally was the lone exception. She was as hot as they come but could think circles around the rest. Hell, I’m not exactly an idiot myself and I’d still think twice before going against her in a battle of wits.

  As for recruiting people more like me, that had its own problems. I had little doubt I’d be able to find a small army of comic book geeks who would gladly join the ranks of us night stalkers. But did the city really need a population of dorks suddenly thinking they’re superheroes? Trust me, I’ve been there. Vampire powers or not, it doesn’t work out well.

  I pushed all those thoughts out of my mind as I arrived at the Office. As much fun as it might be to imagine myself as the leader of a group of vampiric X-Men, it wasn’t the time for such distractions.

  As usual, the stairwell was empty, so I was able to run up to our floor at a pace that would have left an Olympic sprinter wheezing. Just for the record, not all parts of being a vampire suck. I might not be much to look at, but being a vampire had its advantages for anyone, regardless of whether they looked like they’re allergic to exercise equipment.

  Also, as was typical, I felt a shudder of revulsion pass through me as I walked in. The desks up front were manned and going full force. Rather than let the coven hunt for prey openly, Sally had instituted a half-assed suicide hotline to lure in victims. It kept the coven’s larders full while ensuring that most of the humans we harvested were those who wouldn’t be missed. Sorry, her words, not mine. Personally, I found the whole thing to be so evil that Satan himself would probably step back and say, “Whoa!”

  At that moment, though, I had other things with which to occupy my mind. I strode past the rows of desks and went straight toward the back corner where Sally had commandeered an over-sized executive suite. She definitely didn’t believe in suffering for the cause.

  Seated at a desk outside of her office was Starlight. She was a strikingly beautiful African-American woman. Though in her forties, she was eternally stuck in the body of a twenty-one-year-old fashion model, but what a body it was. Unfortunately for her, Starlight was a genuine sweetheart, just not an overly bright one. Both of these traits meant she was easy prey for manipulation, and Sally was a grade-A manipulator. She had continually coerced Starlight into acting as her personal secretary ... so much so that I had given up trying to do anything about it. There were far worse fates.

  “Hey, Bill,” she said, seeing me approach. “You can go right in, Sally’s expecting you.”

  I smirked. Technically speaking, I was in charge. I could go wherever and whenever I pleased ... at least as far as the rest of the coven were concerned. To them, I was this fearsome predator, a beast of legend even amongst vampire-kind. They all afforded me respect that far outweighed what I deserved. Sally, however, knew the truth, and though she kept up appearances for the others, I had to tread lightly around her.

  “Thanks, Star.” I walked in, shutting the door behind me.

  I half expected the room to be full of hooded figur
es hissing at me to kneel while they proceeded to dole out my punishment.

  Instead, I found myself alone with Sally ... and she was naked.

  Well, okay, she was only naked in my mind. But then, she always was. In actuality, she was seated – fully clothed, sadly – behind her desk where she dismissively motioned for me to sit while she continued chatting on the phone.

  “Wednesday? Sorry, mornings don’t work for me,” she said casually into the receiver. “How about the evening? That’ll work. No, it doesn’t have to be here. We can do this over drinks. Great. I can’t wait to see the layout. You, too. Talk to you soon.” Her tone was disturbingly chipper as she hung up.

  She turned to me as I sat there looking at her expectantly. “Sorry about that. The Village Voice is running a story on the hotline and wanted to know if I was available for an interview.”

  “I’m so happy for you,” I replied coldly.

  “I know, isn’t it great?”

  “Oh, yeah, killing off the city’s poor and defenseless ... real great.”

  “You have no head for business, you know that?” she sniffed.

  “I couldn’t care less as long as I get to keep mine.” I looked around. “So what’s going on?”

  “You’re early, I guess. Nobody’s here yet.”

  “Great. I love getting extra time to stew in my juices right before being executed.”

  “They’re not going to execute you ... at least, I don’t think they’re going to.”

  “How reassuring.”

  “Listen.” She leaned over the desk toward me. Her new angle afforded me a generous view of her ample cleavage. Noticing where my eyes were headed, she quickly added, “They don’t talk back ... especially not to you. Eyes up here while you still have them.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Bullshit,” she replied offhandedly. “As I was saying, I doubt execution is on their minds.”

  “I got one of the Draculas killed.”

  “Supposedly got one of the Draculas killed,” she corrected. “There’s been no proof, at least none that I’ve heard of. The Khan is missing until proven otherwise. Besides, you didn’t do it on purpose. Stupidity is not as serious a crime as treachery.”

  “Thanks ... sorta.”

  “What I mean is, the Draculas aren’t known for dicking around. If they had wanted you dead, that would have been it. You would have been dusted before we ever got a chance to talk about it. Trust me, these guys are big on making examples of people.”

  “Maybe because of this Freewill crap, they...”

  “It wouldn’t matter. Legends or not, if they wanted you dead, that would be it. Think about it. The Khan’s people gave you tons of ‘chosen one’ bullshit, right?”

  “True.”

  “And yet it still didn’t stop him from ordering your death just because his little bitch of a daughter decided she wanted to elope with you.”

  I winced a little at the memory of Gan. I had no doubt there was still unfinished business there, at least as far as she was concerned. “Gan aside, I think I get what you’re saying. Prophecies or not, the Draculas are the big dogs in the room.”

  “Yep, and they’ll piss all over you without a second thought.”

  “I’ve noticed.”

  “Which means,” she went on, “that they have something else in mind.”

  I couldn’t help but visibly shudder at the implication. It might be something else other than death, but I had little doubt it would prove to be equally unpleasant.

  Unexpected Company

  Sally and I bantered back and forth for about an hour, at the end of which I didn’t feel any better. She had a ton of useful skills, but her pep talks left a lot to be desired. She was in the middle of trying to give me an update on the hotline when she suddenly stopped mid-sentence. She raised her head and sniffed the air. “No way.”

  Since Sally’s older, her senses were more finely attuned than mine. I had barely enough time to spurt out a quick, “What?” before the door to her office was pushed open from the outside. In strode a very familiar face – one I had been convinced I would never see again.

  “Holy shit, James!” I said, rising to my feet.

  “Dr. Death,” he replied with a quick grin, using my old coven name – the one I’d been given by our former leader, Jeff AKA Night Razor. If James was pissed over what had gone down in China, he was doing a good job of hiding it.

  I didn’t know what to think. On the one hand, he had my eternal gratitude. He was the reason I was still walking around as opposed to lining the bottom of an ashtray. The flipside was that he was over six hundred years old. That put him at a power level that far eclipsed mine. If he suddenly decided that a little revenge was in order, my options would be limited to whining and taking it like a bitch.

  For the moment, though, he didn’t seem interested in bouncing me off solid objects. He met Sally as she came around her desk and gave her a quick hug. “A pleasure as always, Sally.”

  “It’s great to see you,” she replied with a genuine smile. Sally had been James’s confidant during my early days, which had eventually led to my rise as coven master. “We all thought you were...”

  “Dead? Yes I know.”

  “Guess that explains why Colin was so pissy on the phone,” she said.

  “Ah, yes. My overly ambitious assistant. Well, he may yet get what he desires,” he cryptically stated. As far as I was aware, Colin wanted James’s job, i.e. jurisdiction over all of the Northeastern covens. However, now that James was back, that would mean things would return to the way they should be. Wouldn’t it?

  I didn’t get a chance to ask, though, as he then said, “We have much to discuss. But, perhaps we should find more suitable surroundings. Sally, my dear, would you happen to know if that café I favor is still open? I could very much go for one of their marvelous espressos.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  To say that things felt a little surreal would be an understatement. It was like déjà vu. Less than a year earlier, I had been seated at that very same café with the very same company and the conversation, though of a different nature, had been of the same gist: namely, my fate. At the time, I had gradually come to learn that both of them had been in favor of my continued existence, despite my initial reluctance to believe Sally. Since then, I had come to trust ... well okay, mostly trust, her. James was now the X-factor, though. Something nasty had gone down in Asia, and I was the one he was most likely to blame.

  Still, it was hard to feel too condemned sitting there watching him down his third espresso.

  “Absolutely fantastic,” he said with a sigh of contentment. “While the selection of tea in China, forgive my pun, is vastly superior to what can be found here, they simply don’t have anything that can hold a candle to this.” He held up his cup. “Alas, it was one point on which my sire and I could never see eye to eye.”

  “You mean the Khan?” I asked, testing the waters.

  “Yes,” he replied, his eyes somewhat distant.

  “How is he?” Sally asked conversationally. She could afford to be casual. It wasn’t her ass on the line.

  “Sadly, I shall never get a chance to convince him otherwise.” He placed his cup down on the table. “The Khan fell in battle with our enemies.”

  “The Alma?” I blurted out.

  “They go by many names,” he replied, “some of which are not to be used lightly. Names carry power, even collective ones.”

  “Uh, okay,” I said, having no idea what he meant. “Listen, James, I’m really sorry about what happened. I had no clue Gan...”

  He held up a hand to cut me off before I could start rambling. “Be at ease, my friend. I don’t blame you for what occurred. Gansetseg may be impulsive, but she gets it from her bloodline. My sire over-reacted, and I even told him such. The Khan, however, was not one to be swayed once his mind was made up.”