The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “What was that about?” I asked once we had pulled away.

  “There’re a lot of ass kissers out in the field,” she said dismissively.

  “Did he mean what I think he meant?” asked Ed.

  “About what?”

  “About the cars behind us?”

  “Probably,” she said with a smile.

  “Serves them right,” Tom commented. “Line cutters are assholes.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We continued north. After another hour, I took a turn behind the wheel. That lasted all of fifteen minutes before my companions demanded I pull over. Tom then got in the driver’s seat.

  “What?” I demanded. “The speed limit said ninety.”

  “Kilometers an hour, shithead,” he said. “Even I know that.”

  “Besides, you were driving like an ass,” Ed added.

  “Was not.”

  “You were weaving in and out of the lanes.”

  “It’s been a while since I’ve last driven,” I offered as way of excuse.

  “And it’s going to be a while before you drive again,” Tom said. He then adjusted the rearview toward Sally. “How much farther until we stop, Ms. Daisy?”

  One corner of Sally’s mouth turned upwards at the joke, but she stopped short of a chuckle. “Keep going. We’ll find a motel before dawn.”

  “All night?” Ed asked.

  “Yes, all night,” she replied. “This is a vampire mission, thus we’re keeping vampire hours.”

  Tom sighed. “Ugh, I’m going to need a coffee stop. Maybe a few.”

  “Fine. Just pull in at the next Tim Hortons you see.”

  “Too late,” I replied, looking out the window. “We just passed one.”

  “Yep, and now we’re passing another,” she said. Sure enough, she was right. “This is Canada. Trust me, they have one on every corner.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I want the bed tomorrow,” I complained, stepping out of the motel room.

  “Sorry, Bill, but it doesn’t work that way,” Ed said. “Tom and I are the ones playing chauffeur. Ergo, you get the floor.”

  “Screw that,” I protested. “Guest of honor at the peace conference standing here. I show up all disgruntled from sleep deprivation and the world could end. Do you really want that to happen?”

  “If it means not having to listen to you whine like a bitch, than yes. I’m cool with it.”

  “Why do we have to share a room anyway?” Tom asked.

  “Sally said the Draculas only budgeted for two.”

  “Do you believe her?”

  “Not even for one goddamned second,” I replied. “But all of the coven credit cards are in her name.”

  “I don’t see why she gets one all to herself,” Tom sniffed.

  “Because I’m special,” Sally said from right behind us, causing us to jump. She was good. Even I hadn’t heard her exit her room.

  “Yeah, you’re special, all right,” I groused, opening the tailgate on the Jeep. I pushed aside some of our bags to get to the cooler. It was packed with pints of blood. “Want one?” I asked her, grabbing one for myself.

  “No, I’m good.”

  “What do you mean you’re ‘good?’” I asked, an edge creeping into my voice.

  “Exactly that,” she said with a sniff. “You can suck down the bottled stuff if you want, but I decided to try the local cuisine.”

  My roommates turned a shade paler at that. I rounded on her, though. “Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, it might not be the best of ideas to leave a trail of bodies in our wake?”

  She gave me an easy shrug in response. “Wouldn’t be the first time.” She started walking toward the car before turning to say, “Come on, night time’s a burning. We have a long way to go ... unless you’d like to wait around for the Mounties to arrive.”

  Bitch!

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  That’s pretty much how it was for the next two days as we made our way further north. Eventually, the towns became fewer and much farther in between. When not driving, Ed joined me in trying to stay as busy as possible. Unfortunately, cell service was starting to become spotty in the long stretches of ... well ... Canadian nothingness.

  Tom, for his part, continued to push himself further up Sally’s list of people to kill. Despite looking absolutely fine, he continued to whine about becoming one of the undead. When I pointed out that both Sally and I were amongst that number and neither of us (especially her) looked worse for wear, it only increased the whining. “Yeah, but you guys are vampires, the undead elite. I’m going to be a disgusting corpse, forever in search of brains.”

  “When you finally find some, I hope they stick,” Sally replied.

  “Personally,” I said, “I think you should be more worried about your dick rotting off.”

  “Seriously, Bill,” Ed asked. “Do you think Christy would even notice?”

  “Nah, probably not,” I replied, eliciting laughter.

  “That’s right, joke about it now,” Tom said morosely. “Just don’t go looking for any mercy once the zombie apocalypse starts.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Eventually, we were forced to start using our fuel surplus. We stopped along the side of the road at the northern tip of Saskatchewan – or whatever the fuck they called it – to refuel. It was about midnight, cold as fuck, and utterly desolate. While Tom and Ed went to grab some gas from the trailer, I got out to stretch.

  “Don’t wander off,” Sally said from still inside the car. She was bundled up in a parka and looked like the world’s most expensive Eskimo hooker.

  “Yes, Mom,” I replied. Her warning aside, I started to walk toward the tree line. It had been a couple of hours since our last stop and “little Dr. Death” felt the need for a piss break.

  As I walked, I glanced up. It was truly marvelous how the night sky looked when there wasn’t any city around to muck it up. Even had my vampire night vision not been up to snuff, the stars were bright enough to make things passable. At least out in the open they were.

  I entered the tree line and the gloom settled around me. Even though my vampire eyes cut through the darkness, the density of the brush made it difficult to see more than a few feet in any direction.

  Once I was out of sight of the car, I found a suitable looking tree and unzipped to do my business. Ah! Few things were as reinvigorating as a good piss after a long drive.

  I was almost finished when a sound caught my attention. Thinking it was one of my roommates, I called out, “Go find your own garden, guys. This one is already watered.”

  There was no response, save the crunch of more foliage. My thoughts immediately turned to Sally. She had been in the car as long as the rest of us. Maybe she needed a “rest break,” too. While the thought of her squatting amongst the trees was definitely humorous, I had no intention of getting caught with my dick hanging out. I’m not sure what comment she would have, but I’m certain it wouldn’t be kind.

  I quickly zipped up, and that’s when I heard another crunch. Whereas before the sound was hard to pinpoint, this one was close enough for me to tell it was coming from the opposite direction of the car. Another crack. Closer, and it sounded big.

  I reminded myself that was probably bullshit. It was absolutely quiet out there. In such solitude, a fox could step on a twig and it would sound like cannon fire. I was probably psyching myself out for nothing.

  There came a snort from directly in front of where I stood. Brush obscured my vision, but I could make out a shape beyond it and it was bigger than me ... a lot bigger. Oh crap. I hadn’t even considered that I might run into the Alma, Sasquatch, Grendel, or whatever the fuck they were called. What if they were making a preemptive strike to take me out? I wouldn’t put it past the filthy, shit-flinging fuckers.

  I began to back up. I had gotten a taste of what these guys could do when I was over in China. I wasn’t about to underestimate them. The shape in the woods matched me step for step. I began to crouch
down in a defensive stance – learned from countless hours of kung-fu movies – when it stepped from the brush and I found myself staring into two large, brown, and not overly intelligent eyes. A set of antlers nearly four feet wide sat atop a large head. A fucking moose.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and chuckled as it just stood there, dumbly chewing its cud or whatever the fuck moose chew on. Damn. There I was, almost shitting myself, and for what, an oversized deer? On the upside, it was the first one I had ever seen outside of a zoo. Now that the scare was over, it was actually kind of cool.

  Figuring a photo would make for a neat souvenir, I pulled my phone from my pocket, aimed the camera, and pushed the button. The flash went off, causing the moose to jump in surprise. It made an angry snort and then, without further warning, charged straight at me. Oh, fuck! Forget what I said about Bigfoot. Being trampled by the equivalent of a freight train on legs wasn’t particularly high on my list. I turned and ran. Judging by the crashing sounds behind me, the moose was following.

  Thank God vampires were fast. Used to be I was the fat kid in high school who came in dead last in every single track event. Nowadays, though, there wasn’t an Olympic sprinter alive who could keep up with me once I got going.

  There were just two problems. For starters, this wasn’t ideal terrain for me to go all out in. Secondly, my pursuer had both the home field advantage as well as an extra set of legs. I had just burst from the tree line, I could see the car ahead, when this deficiency became painfully clear.

  I was mowed over from behind. It felt like a bus plowed into me. I went down, but was that enough for my moosey friend? Of course not. I felt a pair of hooves slam into my back. The air was forced from my lungs and I was pretty sure I could feel some of my favorite body parts cracking. Then the fucker did it again. It was stomping the shit out of me.

  I curled up into a fetal ball as it continued trying to turn me into a puddle of vampire mush. Talk about embarrassing. In the past few months, I had come out on top against two master vampires and a trio of vamp assassins. Hell, I had even managed to survive Gan. Yet there I was, getting my ass handed to me by an animal with less brains than my nut sack. What a way to go.

  I was starting to get a bit woozy from the continued attack. I heard my roommates’ voices yelling for me. Hey, there was hope. Ed had his shotgun with him, maybe he could use it to ... oh, hell, by that point, I’d have been happy if he had used it to end my misery.

  I was just thinking how embarrassing the epitaph on my tombstone was going to be, when there came another loud cracking noise and suddenly the assault stopped. A scant second later, there was a heavy thud on the ground next to me.

  “Bill!” came Tom’s worried voice. “Are you okay?”

  “No,” I replied, still face down on the hard ground.

  A strong hand grabbed me by the arm and hauled me to my feet. I got up, surprised to find I could still stand. Thank goodness for vampire healing. It was already starting to patch up the worst of my beating.

  I turned to find Sally standing next to me, the look on her face conveying slightly less than worshipful awe.

  “That was badass,” said Ed, walking up to us.

  “Thanks,” I replied. “It’s not every day one survives a...”

  “Not you,” he corrected. “Her.”

  “Huh?”

  “While you were getting stomped, she ran past us, jumped on its back, and snapped its neck like a twig.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, dude,” Tom confirmed. “It was pretty fucking awesome.”

  “I’d say that sums me up nicely,” she replied with a smirk.

  I tried to play it cool, not an easy thing to do when you’re covered in hoof prints. “I’m sure I’d have eventually...” I stopped as she raised an eyebrow at me. “Okay, fine. Thank you for saving my ass ... again.”

  She smiled, which would have been tolerable except that wasn’t the end of it from her. “It’s turning into a regular habit, isn’t it?” she asked, still grinning. “Although I have to admit, Bill, saving you from elder vampires is one thing, but an oversized cow? That’s just embarrassing.”

  “It’s a little more than an oversized...”

  “It would be a damn shame if the folks waiting for us were to learn of this incident. The fabled Freewill, laid low by Bullwinkle.”

  I let out a sigh. This wasn’t the first time I’d been blackmailed by Sally and probably wouldn’t be the last. Sensing where this was going, I held up a hand. “Alfonzo can stay.”

  Her grin widened. “Great! You know, you really should let him give you a pedicure.”

  “Let’s not push it.”

  “Your loss,” she said dismissively, and then to Tom and Ed added, “Okay, meatsacks, show’s over. Get that car refueled before I do the same thing to both of you.”

  My roommates both gave her a mock salute, then turned back to the car. After a few steps, Ed whispered to Tom, “She is so fucking hot.”

  My vampire ears easily picked it up, so I had no doubt Sally’s had, too. The smug look on her face as we walked back confirmed it.

  Along the way, I casually asked, “Have you ever tried moose blood?”

  “Don’t make me smack you.”

  Are We There Yet?

  The last hundred miles took far longer than I would’ve liked. Thank God for four-wheel drive. Had the weather been any worse, I don’t doubt we’d have had to find a village or traveling hockey team and trade in our wheels for a couple of dog teams.

  At long last, though, we were driving through dense, dark woods, following a trail just barely wide enough for our vehicle, when the portable GPS finally told us we were close. It was about time. We had maybe one more tank of gas left in the trailer and our supplies were beginning to run low. I had been starting to wonder whether we should have drained that moose just in case. Another couple of days and I would’ve probably needed to start keeping an eye on Sally around my roommates. On the upside, Tom’s constant zombie moaning and groaning had lessened considerably (albeit not entirely). So there was that. What can I say? I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy.

  Having arrived at the coordinates we’d been given, we all kept lookout through the windows for ... something.

  “Jeez,” I complained, “this is only a conference to decide the fate of the world. You’d think they’d at least have signs telling us where to park. Are you sure we’re in the right spot?”

  Ed turned and gave me his best withering glance. “We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere. How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s the right middle of fucking nowhere?”

  “Don’t get testy...” I started to say in a condescending voice, but immediately had to change my tone. “HOLY SHIT! STOP!”

  He turned back to the trail and immediately hit the brakes. The car skidded to a halt just inches from the thing in front of us. It had appeared from out of nowhere.

  “Is that what I think it is?” Tom asked excitedly.

  From my vantage point in the backseat, I could only see the front of the car and a pair of hairy, heavily muscled legs standing in front of it.