The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Oh, mighty Turd,” I said, letting the grin win out. “I pay you great respect. I have seen much in my time, but know that you are the largest and most impressive turd I have ever witnessed.”

  A series of choking coughs broke out behind me. I knew that one would get Tom and Ed going. Amusingly enough, judging by what I heard, Sally was having a hard time keeping it together as well.

  “In fact,” I continued, “I would say, you are perhaps the greatest turd of them all.”

  A look of shock came over Turd’s face. I was pretty sure I was about to get pummeled. Guess I laid it on a little too thick.

  However, he surprised me. “You pay great honor to Turd, Freewill,” he replied solemnly, almost sounding I dare say embarrassed by his earlier insults. “Turd will remember this.”

  I tried to keep it together. All in all not a bad outcome, considering I had just called him a gigantic pile of shit. Gotta love those language barriers.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The formalities over, we seated ourselves. Turd and I wound up at the head of our respective ends. Once we were seated, Nergui took a place behind my chair, whereas a Sasquatch, nearly as large and ugly as Turd, stood behind him – a massive club in one hand. Damn, I wouldn’t want to get smashed with that thing.

  I couldn’t help but notice the discrepancies between us. There sat Turd, stupid name aside, looking every bit the warrior chieftain. Contrast this to me: a dumpy guy, just shy of six feet tall, wearing glasses, a ratty old winter coat and, oh yeah, a Snapple bottle half-filled with blood sitting in front of me. I could’ve probably been called a lot of things right then and there, but I doubted impressive was one of them. Hell, whereas Turd’s bodyguard looked like he was there for show alone, I probably looked like I would hide behind Nergui at the first sign of trouble – which wasn’t too far from the truth.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Fortunately, I needn’t have worried myself, at least not for that first session. James was right. It was all administrative bullshit, several hours of it: what was to be discussed, what was not to be discussed, things that were off limits for negotiation, what data would be admissible, blah blah blah. After a while, I zoned out and let François’s lackeys handle the details.

  I wasn’t alone in this either. Sally leaned back and actually began filing her nails. Ed nodded off, not being entirely used to keeping the hours of the undead. As for Tom, he kept making goo-goo eyes out to the audience. I didn’t bother to look, but it was a fair bet he had found where Christy was seated.

  Looking across the table, it was obvious even Turd was bored. He had one massive elbow propped on the table and was using that hand to support his ugly head. He definitely seemed the type who would favor all-out conflict over what was transpiring – hashing out a truce for what might be days on end. That made me curious. I had no idea of the inner workings of Sasquatch society, but there had to be at least some faction that wanted peace, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. Of course, it was also possible that they weighed their chances in an all-out war and decided that they weren’t very good.

  Ugh! I shook my head to clear it. I’m no strategist. Hell, two Sundays ago, I couldn’t even lead my party on a successful raid of an Orc fortress without getting spotted by every single sentry they had. It was probably best to leave such musings to those in a position, and with more of a mindset, to care.

  My mind had just started to wander again when I was jolted back to reality by a commotion from the other contingent. One of the Bigfoot negotiators had stood up and was pounding loudly on the table.

  “No! We end this now!” he yowled. End what now? I found myself kind of wishing I had been paying attention.

  Almost instantly, all eyes were on him, including Turd’s. I was curious to see what would happen. Would Turd reel in his dog or let things devolve? However, he just sat there with a contemplative (for a ten foot ape, anyway) look on his face as the other creature continued with its tirade.

  “Rise, my brothers! Rise and let us kill the T’lunta!” He slammed both fists upon the table, then reared up and began beating his chest – ooh, Tarzan eat your heart out. “No peace! NO PEA...” He was cut off mid-rant.

  A bolt of energy shot out of the orb still hovering over the table. There was a flash and when it cleared, nothing was left of the offending ape except a smelly pile of ash and some burnt hair.

  “YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER,” the phantom orb calmly said.

  Holy shit! Most moderators will just beat a gavel. Whatever this thing was, it was a wee bit more effective. Fucking wonderful. Now not only did I have to worry about being clubbed to death by Turd’s massive beef stick, but if I got up to protest it, I could get phasered by V’Ger here.

  Even worse, the crowd went nuts over it, and I’m not just talking about our supporters either – not that I could tell them apart. I was right about this being an arena, and the crowd was apparently thirsty for blood.

  Looks of shock went up and down my end of the table. They were mirrored on the other side, but there was quite a bit of anger there as well. Turd, however, was surprisingly calm. He simply nodded once and then went back to being bored. Suddenly, I was sure he had planned it. The motherfucker wanted to know what the boundaries were and what would happen if they were crossed. Goddamn! Turd was a real shit.

  When You Gotta Go

  Fortunately, that was the end of the excitement, for the time being anyway. A replacement was called in to take the seat of the Bigfoot who was out of order then the negotiators tried to get back on track. It was obvious, though, that everyone – at least everyone not named Turd – was still rattled. After another hour, the moderator called for a recess until the following evening.

  I stood, stretched, and then gaped as I watched the crowd disperse. Some simply walked (or slithered) away. Others vanished in puffs of smoke or flashes of light, and this one group of lizardy-looking things simply seemed to melt into the ground. Pretty freaky stuff, or at least it would have been had I not both lived in New York and seen just about every Sci-Fi movie ever made. Still, it was kind of cool.

  As we left the table, Christy came walking over, still wearing her white wizarding robes. I momentarily found myself wondering if she was wearing anything underneath, but quickly quashed that thought. Cute though she may be, I tried to ix-nay any sex fantasies involving chicks who wanted me dead. Double that for ones who were banging my roommates.

  “You were great!” she squealed, giving Tom a big hug.

  “Great?” I scoffed. “He didn’t do anything.”

  “True,” he replied. “But did you?”

  “Sure. I insulted Turd and didn’t get my ass kicked.”

  “Yes, but I managed to almost not laugh while you were doing it.”

  “Fair enough,” I grudgingly admitted.

  “Come on,” she said, taking his hand. “I’ll introduce you to my coven sisters.”

  “Just don’t wipe his mind or anything,” I called after them. Oh, well, even if she did, was it really that much of a loss?

  “Not bad, Bill,” Sally commented, catching my attention. She walked up alongside of me as I headed toward the group of waiting vampires. “You managed to keep from getting us all killed on the first day. Looks like I owe Starlight fifty bucks.”

  “Your faith in me is astounding.”

  I was heading toward James, but François’s arrogant mug stepped in front of me before I could get to him.

  “Well done, Freewill,” he said with a sneer. “Your antics with the Sasquatch leader aside, I commend you for following instructions. Continue to do your part as told, and we will surely achieve our desired outcome.”

  “Our desired outcome?”

  François adopted an innocent tone as he answered, “Of course – peace. Is that not why we are here?”

  “Of course,” I echoed.

  “Then we are decided. Sleep well this day, Freewill, for come nightfall, the true negotiations begin.” With that, he nodded to his people and began walki
ng away.

  I waited for him to be out of sight, then padded a few extra seconds onto that before finally saying to James, “That guy is a serious asshole.”

  “On that we are agreed.”

  “Seconded,” Ed said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I didn’t realize the supernatural world wasn’t big on bathroom breaks.” He left us, heading back in the direction of our huts.

  “Hold up, I’ll go with you,” Sally proclaimed, following him.

  James watched them go. “Should you perhaps be worried about your friend? It was a long meeting, after all.”

  “It’s not his blood I’m worried about her sucking.”

  A confused look momentarily came over James’s face. “Whatever you say.”

  “Speaking of blood,” I said, holding up my now empty bottle. “Would you happen to have a refill? We packed enough to get here, but suffice to say the room service kind of sucks.”

  He smiled and nodded. “I expected as much. Though the Alma have been accepting of these talks, we are still their ancient enemies. I wouldn’t expect them to be particularly cordial with regards to the accommodations. I took the liberty of having one of my men restock your supplies while you were partaking in the opening talks.”

  “Really? That’s super cool of you.”

  “There should be enough for both you and Sally for the next several days.”

  “For me, at least. She doesn’t like the chilled stuff. She’d rather flash some leg and let the other vamps invite her over for breakfast.”

  “Hmm, I’ll make sure my people have plenty of thralls around, then.”

  “You said that word before – thralls. Do you really have humans enslaved to your will? Is that even possible?”

  James laughed. “Considering your friends, do you really want to know?”

  I thought about it for a second. “No, probably not.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I arrived back at my hut with still a few hours to go until sunrise. I entered, debating how best to utilize the time, and then realized it was empty. That was kind of a relief. Though I had no reason to believe that Ed was indeed boning Sally, that didn’t mean a small part of me wasn’t half expecting to walk in on them doing just that. My roommates and I had a long standing rule against seeing each other’s junk, and I’d hate to break it.

  Pushing aside thoughts of Ed railing Sally like the dirty little bitch my brain insisted she was, I walked over to the cooler. I opened it and found that James was good to his word. It had been filled with pints of blood and a few ice packs to keep them cool. Awesome! Just what the doctor ordered, and I mean a sane one, not my buddy Dave.

  I was reaching in for a drink when I heard a gun blast. I know what a shotgun sounds like, and as far as I’m aware, Ed was the only person in the area with one. That wasn’t good.

  I immediately headed for the door, thinking, What have you done now, Sally?

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Thank God for vampiric senses. Between the sound of the shot and knowing what Ed smelled like (and believe me, after several days in the car, I got plenty of good whiffs of them all), I was able to immediately discern the general direction it had come from. I stepped from the hut and noticed several other vampires milling about, minding their own business, and pretty much ignoring the fact that someone had just fired off a twelve-gauge. Goddamn, vamps could be real assholes. Shit happened and they just sat around with their thumbs up their asses. And yet, I’m supposed to be on their side.

  Oh well, there would be plenty of time to kill them all later, mentally at least. For now, I had a friend in need.

  I left the clearing and raced off in the direction that my senses were telling me to go. I really hoped they were right. If not, I’d wind up lost in the Canadian wilderness, which wasn’t exactly a small place. How fucking embarrassing would that be if they had to send out a rescue party for me ... assuming they even came looking. But, enough of those thoughts. I needed to trust my senses and hope they, unlike almost everything else, weren’t purposely trying to screw me over.

  A roar of anger from up ahead caught my attention. A moment later, a familiar ass-like scent came wafting to my nostrils – a Bigfoot. As I got closer, another sound carried to my sensitive vamp ears. It was Ed’s voice.

  “Back the fuck up! The next one won’t be a warning.”

  Uh oh! It was usually pretty hard to rile Ed. To be fair, though, a half ton of giant gorilla about to kick your ass would most likely crack even the most stoic of veneers.

  “Defiler!”

  Oh, what the fuck did he do? Were he and Sally caught screwing on a Sasquatch burial mound? I'd expect stupid shit like that from Tom, but Ed?

  I caught sight of a flashlight beam ahead. Ed’s, no doubt. I got closer and finally saw my roommate. He stood beneath a tree, shotgun raised. A few feet away stood a massive (as if there was any other type) Sasquatch, and it did not look happy.

  Both parties turned toward me as I came running up. I stepped in between them, probably not the smartest of strategies, and asked, “What’s the prob...”

  “T’LUNTA!” the creature snarled and immediately swung a massive backhand at my head.

  Thankfully, numerous ass-kickings at the hands of other vampires had given me at least a few survival instincts. I managed to duck as a dinner-plate sized fist sailed over me.

  “Okay, that’s it,” Ed said, leveling the gun at the beast’s head. His heart was in the right place, but his brain had taken a temporarily siesta. I sincerely doubted he brought enough bullets to deal with the shit-storm of angry apes that would descend upon us if he killed this one.

  “ENOUGH! We’re under truce here, so back the fuck up!” I commanded the Bigfoot in a voice that almost sounded convincing. “As for you,” I turned to my friend, “lower the damn gun before you get us all killed.”

  Despite my tone to him, I wasn’t too worried about Ed shooting me, so I quickly turned back toward the creature. It had already taken one swing at me. No way was I giving it a freebie with my back turned.

  Fortunately, I seemed to have gotten through to it. It took a step back, still angry, but at least it didn’t look like it was about to attack again. Reminding it of the truce had been the right course. Turd had casually sacrificed one of his own troops to test the boundaries of the talks. He no doubt had imparted to his people that breaking the truce and causing an incident would get them thrown to the wolves ... maybe literally.

  “That’s better,” I said raising my hands in a conciliatory gesture. “Now what is this about?”

  “Human defile sacred tree,” it growled.

  “Sacred tree?”

  “Ancestors buried beneath sacred tree.”

  I looked up. I’m no arborist. It just looked like another big, dumb fucking tree to me.

  “So, this tree in particular is special?” I asked.

  “No. All such are sacred.”

  Okay, whatever the hell that meant. I turned back to Ed, a quizzical look on my face. “And you defiled it?”

  “What? I had to take a shit.”

  “Defiler!”

  Ignoring the agitated creature behind me, I asked, “Any reason why you chose this tree in particular?”

  Ed’s response was a glare that said his opinion of my intelligence was rapidly dropping. “Not really. I’m not exactly a connoisseur of fine trees to take a dump behind.”