The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “DAY TWO OF THE PROCEEDINGS WILL NOW COMMENCE. BOTH PARTIES WILL MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE TABLE,” it mind-beamed out, ignoring all of the angry commotion still rippling its way through the crowd.

  “Do have fun,” François said with a smirk, then stood back while his people began filtering out to their respective chairs.

  Not wanting to give him the satisfaction, I turned to my friends, gave a shrug, and indicated for them to follow me. I really hoped Sally was right about her plan. I knew that she was doubtful any combat involving her as my proxy would be to the death, but the crowd sure as shit looked bloodthirsty to me.

  I reached the entrance to the conference area and stood aside to let my friends go first. Nergui stopped with me, still guarding my flank. I locked eyes with each of them as they went. Tom and Ed both looked worried. Sally simply nodded to me. I mouthed, “Are you sure?” and got another nod back. I wouldn’t forget this. I just hoped she knew what she was doing.

  Once she passed me, I began walking again.

  “Wait!” a voice called from behind me.

  “THE PARTIES WILL MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE TABLE NOW,” the glowing thingee repeated.

  I turned and saw James making his way down the steps. Thank God. Hopefully, he had some way of turning this around. As he came up to me, I saw François tense in his seat.

  James gave me a knowing smile and then a wink. Awesome, he did have a plan.

  “I brought you your blood,” he said, handing me the bottle. He then turned and walked over to take his seat.

  What the fuck?! That was it? I was tempted to chuck it at him. He couldn’t possibly be that clueless, could he?

  “THE PARTIES WILL...”

  “Yeah, yeah! I heard you the first time!” I shouted back, drawing a few gasps from the crowd. Fuck them! It’s not as if they were on my side to begin with. I was half tempted to flip the lot of them off, but somehow managed to restrain myself ... especially when I realized I had just mouthed off to a glowing ball of lightning that could vaporize me without a second thought. Note to self: don’t do that again.

  Almost as if reading my mind (and for all I knew, it could), the orb said, “THERE IS AN UNAUTHORIZED OBSTRUCTION ON THE TABLE. IT SHALL BE REMOVED.”

  With that, it disintegrated the body. Whoa! That was harsh. I looked up, half expecting to see Turd in a frenzy of rage. However, he simply took his seat without a second glance. What the...?

  Something was definitely rotten in the state of Bigfootville. I just hoped Sally wouldn’t have to pay the ultimate price to find out what.

  Cage Match

  “I have grievance!” Turd shouted, bringing one meaty fist down onto the table hard enough that I felt the impact from the other end.

  “VERY WELL, THE GRIEVANCE WILL BE HEARD,” the glow-ball replied in a calm, almost bored, telepathic voice.

  Turd went on to explain a very biased version of what happened the day before. It was his belief that having my friends shit all over his ancestors had been my plan all along. He apparently had very low standards for what encompassed a criminal mastermind. Let’s just say that I don’t recall Dr. Doom or Lex Luthor ever employing such methods.

  He then continued, telling how his mate couldn’t live with the shame. Don’t get me wrong, I felt bad for the guy ... err, ape. I loved my Grandpa. If someone were to pinch a loaf on his headstone, I’d probably be a little ticked, too. Even so, I just can’t see myself pulling out a noose to mark the occasion.

  He went on about his motherless kids, his outraged clan brothers, and how he was barely able to restrain them from wreaking their vengeance. Turd was definitely piling it on in layers.

  Unfortunately, it seemed to be working. The Sasquatches on his side of the table were throwing looks of pure hatred my way. The glares coming from François’s lackeys were almost as unkind. I made a quick scan of the crowd and saw similar expressions (at least on those with faces). The only exceptions were James and François. François, unsurprisingly, seemed to be having the time of his life – I was half surprised that he hadn’t brought popcorn.

  James, on the other hand, looked perplexed. His expression was one of utter confusion. He suddenly noticed me looking at him. He gave a nod and gestured downward. What the fuck? Goddamn, I both hated and sucked at charades. Next time I got picked for something like this, I needed to remember to bring a few two-way radios.

  Seeing that I wasn’t getting it, he made a sipping gesture. Jesus Christ, the dude was still harping on about my fucking drink. What, did he want a medal or something?

  “HOW DOES THE FREEWILL RESPOND TO THIS GRIEVANCE?”

  Huh? Oh, crap, he was talking to me. I quickly looked at my friends for guidance. The best I got, though, was Sally giving me a quick go on gesture. Damn, I hated speaking in front of crowds.

  Well, best to keep this short and sweet. I stood up and said, “It was an accident.” Okay, probably not the most profound thing I’d ever said. Thinking quickly, I added, “Sorry” to my brilliant monologue.

  “Way to go, Socrates,” Sally whispered under her breath.

  Ed, no doubt sensing I was sinking faster than the Titanic, stood up. “If I may...”

  “YOU HAVE NOT BEEN RECOGNIZED,” our moderator beamed out. It started to pulse angry colors. “YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER.”

  Ed immediately planted his ass back in his seat. I couldn’t blame him. A speech that would have probably encompassed little more than, “when you gotta go...” was definitely not worth getting photon-torpedoed over.

  “DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO ADD?”

  “Oh, do you mean me?” I asked.

  “YES.” Maybe it was just me, but I could sense a slight condescending tone from the oversized firefly. I almost said something to the effect, but since pissing off yet another entity didn’t exactly sound like a winning strategy, I decided against it.

  “It won’t happen again,” I ended lamely.

  I looked across the table, hoping Turd would accept that and maybe a friendly handshake to patch things up between us.

  Instead, he turned to his bodyguard, grabbed the club from his hands, and smashed it down upon the table. The impact echoed throughout the valley. Hmm, guess he kind of liked his wife.

  “No!” Turd bellowed. “Not accepted. I and my people demand blood!”

  Thoughts of offering him a sip from my bottle flitted through my head, but then our moderator interceded. “VERY WELL. WILL THE LIFE OF THE OFFENDING HUMAN SUFFICE?”

  Motherfucker! Ed tensed in his chair. I started to open my mouth to speak but felt Sally’s hand on my arm. The meaning was clear: wait.

  “Human is nothing,” Turd slobbered. “The Freewill must die.”

  “AS MODERATOR TO THE TWO PARTIES, I CANNOT OFFER FOR SACRIFICE THE LEADER OF EITHER FACTION. WHAT SAY YOU, FREEWILL? DO YOU ACCEPT THE TERMS?”

  Seriously? “Fuck no,” I replied before I could think of anything more eloquent.

  “THE OFFER HAS BEEN REFUSED. TURD, THE REMAINING OPTIONS ARE TO DROP YOUR GRIEVANCE OR...”

  “Combat!” Turd screamed, causing the crowd to go nuts. Civilized meeting, my ass.

  Arcs of energy crackled around the ball, silencing the crowd. “VERY WELL. THE TWO SIDES WILL VET THEIR DIFFERENCES IN ONE ON ONE COMBAT. FREEWILL, THE CHALLENGE HAS BEEN MADE TO YOU. AS LEADER, ONE OF YOUR FACTION MAY ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE IN YOUR PLACE.”

  “I will fight for the Freewill,” a voice said from behind me. Nergui’s.

  Unfortunately, as Sally had surmised, he was shot down. “NEGATIVE. HONOR GUARDS ARE FORBIDDEN. ONLY ONE OF THOSE SEATED AT THE TABLE MAY FIGHT IN HIS PLACE.”

  This was it. No way was one of François’s men putting their ass on the line for me. In fact, each of the fuckers started going through their notes as if they hadn’t even heard.

  “Are you sure about this, Sally?” I whispered out of the corner of my mouth. There was no response. “Sally?” I turned to look at her. She was just staring straight ahead. “Yoo-hoo, Sally. I unders
tand if you want to back out. It’s just...”

  The words died in my mouth as I noticed the glazed look in her eyes. She wasn’t backing down. She was under a compulsion. Fuck! Had François gotten to her after all?

  I quickly turned to where he sat and found that, sure enough, he had a smirk practically wide enough to split his face. Fuck me! The asshole had set me up again.

  “What’s going on, Bill?” It was Ed. He and Tom had both noticed Sally, too. That wasn’t good. I knew my roommates. They were good friends, sometimes a little too good.

  Rather than risk going down that path, I turned and whispered, “Don’t even think about it.” Before they could protest, I stood up and said, “I fight my own battles.”

  Of course, my inner voice was quick to add, That’s why you always get your ass kicked.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “What the hell happened?” Tom asked.

  “Change of plans,” I replied. “Sally’s been compelled.”

  Ed, putting two and two together, said, “You should have let me shoot that dick when we first met him.”

  I nodded. “From here on in, consider yourself to have free rein to shoot whatever asshole vampire you want ... minus me, of course.”

  “THE CHALLENGE IS ACCEPTED.” No shit, Sherlock. The moderator then went on to ask the other faction the same thing. Each and every one of Turd’s little shits wanted in on the action. Unsurprisingly, though, he shot them all down in favor of handling this personally.

  Oh, fuck. I could feel a quiver of fear running down my spine. My knees felt unsteady and suddenly my throat was very dry.

  “What do you want us to do?” Ed asked.

  “There isn’t much you can do. Get Sally to the sidelines. Tom, I can’t believe I'm saying this, but go see if maybe Christy can do something to snap her out of it.”

  “Got it,” he replied, for once not adding a snide remark.

  “What about you, Bill?”

  “Go see if one of us packed a squeegee,” I replied. “When this is done, use it to scrape what’s left of me up.”

  “THE FIELD WILL BE CLEARED, SAVE FOR THE COMBATANTS.” The ball pulsed again and then zapped the table. It began to disintegrate before our eyes. I quickly snatched up my blood bottle before it could tumble to the ground. No point in letting it go to waste.

  I unscrewed the cap and chugged it down. I doubted it would do much to steady my nerves, but at least I wouldn’t die parched.

  “Take this and toss it...” I started to say when suddenly I doubled over. “OH, GOD!” I screamed, falling to my knees.

  My roommates were both dragging Sally’s still unresponsive form to the sidelines. When I went down, they nearly dropped her.

  “What is it, Bill?” Tom cried.

  What indeed? It felt like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my stomach. I had felt similar sensations before, but never even remotely this intense. I finally realized why James had been winking at me. He had filled my bottle with blood, all right – vampire blood.

  Any vamp in the world takes a sip from another and they’re going to finish the day puking their guts out. Not me, though. However strong the vampire I took a bite out of, I temporarily added their power to my own. I only knew one vamp this powerful who might take a chance like this. I had no doubt James had filled it with his own blood.

  My God, so this is how he felt? Before my friends could utter another word of concern, I bounced to my feet. Well, okay, I first bounced ten feet into the air. I felt incredibly light as the blood continued to pump into my veins.

  “Bill?” Ed’s voice rang in my ears, several times louder than it should have. My senses were amped up, too. “Are you okay?”

  I smiled, feeling my canines elongate. “I’m right as rain, motherfuckers.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Without warning, I staggered again. What the hell? Something was wrong. My body was still reacting to the blood, but it was going beyond just strength.

  Oh no!

  I looked down at my hands. My nails had extended into claws, albeit they seemed longer and sharper than usual. That wasn’t all, though. I noticed that the hands they were attached to looked bigger, too.

  Instinctively I knew what was happening. I was changing. James was at least twice as old as any vampire I had previously sampled. His blood was too powerful. It was awakening the beast inside of me. The creature, whatever it was, that had escaped only twice before – both times under extreme anger – was ripping free of its chains.

  “Bill?” a voice, a human one. It was starting to get hard to think. I knew that voice ... Fred? Red? Oh, yeah, Ed. My roommate ... my delicious, human roommate. Wouldn’t his blood taste ... NO!

  “Run!” I yelled at him. Before he could protest, I again roared out, “RUN!”

  Neither he nor Tom needed to be told twice. They grabbed Sally and dragged her from the arena floor.

  I felt my sleeves begin to rip as my muscles went from flab to fab. Whatever was happening, it sure as shit beat going to the gym three times a week.

  I looked up to see François’s buddies still standing there, looking at me in shock. My vision began to flash red and I understood. These creatures before me weren’t my betters. They weren’t even my equals. They were food, plain and simple. I was the predator of predators.

  And still, the changes continued.

  “COMBAT WILL END WHEN ONE OF THE COMBATANTS CAN NO LONGER CONTINUE.”

  Combat? With these pathetic creatures in front of me? Don’t make me laugh.

  Almost as if sensing this, they broke and fled. Foolish prey. Did they truly think they could escape?

  Before I could run them down, though, a shadow loomed over me. It was the beast with the stupid name. Odd, I remembered him being larger. A snarl was on his face, but my senses told me different. There was an undertone of fear. Perhaps the creature wasn’t as stupid as it seemed.

  WHAM

  Perhaps not. I found myself airborne, and not of my own power. I flew twenty feet before crashing back down to the ground. The blow had been massive. It would have been more than enough to break a weaker creature.

  But I was not weak. That was a lesson the brute in front of me would soon learn.

  I got back to my feet and leapt, feeling the thrill of the joined battle coursing through me.

  99 Bottles of Blood on the Wall

  Did somebody get the number of the bus that ran over me? What about the three before it? Holy shit, when I went on a bender, I really went all out.

  I shook my head to clear it a bit, then looked down at myself. My clothes were a mess – torn to shreds and covered in dirt, blood, and whatnot. Fuck! Mom was gonna be pissed. She always hated when I came home for the weekend from...

  Hold on. I wasn’t in school anymore. Haven’t been for a couple of years now. I blinked and looked around. It took a few seconds for the world to come into focus. No wonder why. There was a big crack in my left lens. Motherfucker! I liked these glasses. Good thing I had a spare back in ... my hut?

  I looked around again, slowly remembering where I was. Creatures of all shapes and sizes sat in crude bleachers looking down upon me. Why were they staring at me? Oh, yeah. I was just about to get my ass handed to me by Turd.