The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “The Alma have a very unique odor. It takes a fairly thorough washing to completely eliminate it. I might suggest a good delousing before tomorrow night’s proceedings.”

  “Noted.”

  “Come, walk with me,” James beckoned me to follow. “The conference has already broken for the evening. We can take the scenic route back to your hut. It’ll give us a chance to offer our proper respects.”

  “Respects?”

  “Yes, one of the outcomes of this night’s talks ... a very peculiar one at that.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Does this place look familiar?”

  “Yep. That’s a tree ... and that’s a tree. Oh, look there. Another tree.”

  James sighed. “I meant the area. I believe we’re fairly close to where your friend...”

  “Took the shit heard round the supernatural world?”

  “As always, Dr. Death, you do have quite the way with words.”

  “Thanks, I try. Oh, speaking of my friends...”

  “They’re fine. They took their seats at the table and were mostly respectful ... at least one of them was. Ed, I believe his name is.”

  “Oh well, as long as Tom didn’t get himself killed. Although I’m surprised they were there at all.”

  “Why?”

  “I didn’t think they’d go without me. I mean, I had told Nergui...” I trailed off before I said something that indicated my little adventure had been premeditated.

  “Don’t worry,” James replied, “They never left Nergui’s sight.”

  “Well, that’s good. So, anyway, you were going to tell me how badly François’s minions sold us out.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “I was going to say no such thing. I was merely going to tell you that François’s team offered the Alma some concessions with regards to the grave insult from the night before.”

  “Uh huh. And pray tell, what concessions did they make?”

  “That’s the odd part,” James said, continuing to walk. He seemed at ease, but I could see his eyes continually scanning the brush as well as the flare of his nostrils. If his spider sense started tingling, I was sure there would be an abrupt change in topics. “They offered up to Turd that we vampires would wish to pay homage to the Alma’s dead as a show of respect.”

  “We vampires?”

  “Not you or I, to be sure. To my great surprise, Turd was open to this.”

  “What’s so surprising about them accepting a little ass kissing?”

  “Am I correct in assuming that the envoy of the First brought you up to speed on the Humbaba Accord?”

  “Alex? Yeah.”

  “Then you know that the dividing line between our territories and the Alma’s are quite strict. The forests and mountains are theirs, plain and simple. Cities and towns are ours. Plains and Deserts are neutral territory.”

  “Glad I’m not a big fan of camping.”

  James waved his hand dismissively. “The occasional trespass is allowed. However, that tolerance does not extend to their sacred areas. We’re here today by the Alma’s invitation. Had we stepped foot into these woods at any other time, the response would have been both swift and brutal.”

  “Let me guess – in return, François offered to let the Bigfeet wander into our areas whenever they liked? Not like anyone in New York would probably notice.”

  “Hardly,” he replied. “There was no such exchange, simply the offer on our part. What I also found odd was how the offer’s details were settled upon. On the one hand, they’re quite specific, yet they almost seem to purposely leave other aspects as vague as possible.”

  “How so?”

  “The offer is not an open invitation. Only a set number of vampires will be allowed in, and only at predetermined times and locations.”

  “So when, where, and how many?”

  “That was the vague part. That notion was tabled for post conference discussions, to be determined between the respective regional leaders of both the Alma and vampire nations.”

  “François and Turd.”

  “Precisely, and also exclusively.”

  “Exclusively?”

  “Yes. The Alma have many such places of spiritual significance throughout the world, yet this is the only one that was brought up. Turd quashed any consideration for elsewhere, and François’s men were quite happy to not argue the point any further.”

  “Because they got what they wanted.”

  “That is merely speculation, of course,” James remarked, although the glance he gave me said he agreed.

  “Of course,” I replied. “Speaking of speculation, care to hear what happened after Sally and I got ‘lost’ together? You might be able to speculate a few new ideas from that.”

  Without warning, James spun to face me. “Your dalliances with that trollop are of no concern to me.”

  What the fuck? Did he think I was going to tell him about how I banged Sally in the woods? Don’t get me wrong, I was flattered that he thought I had a shot with her. Not that I wouldn’t have a shot. It’s just...

  That wasn’t the case, though. I looked into his eyes and noticed him quickly glance over my shoulder. Not wanting to turn around and be entirely obvious, I listened. For a moment, there was nothing, but then I heard just the faintest crunch of leaves. I could have easily missed it had I still been yammering. Oh yeah, the hills definitely had eyes.

  “Your loss, but let me tell you ... the things she can do with her legs, woo!” I shot back, maybe a tad over dramatically. Sorry, but I’d never been good at this espionage shit.

  He let out the barest of sighs. I had little doubt his opinion of me dropped a notch every time we spoke. “Yes ... well, for now at least, you’ll have to keep your adventures to yourself and your friends,” he replied, dropping a hint that even I was able to pick up on.

  In other words, I was on my own. What a surprise.

  The Lying, the Witch, and the ... err ... Zombie?

  I had just gotten back to my hut, still considering whether Sally and I might need to conduct some more “dalliances,” as James put it, when I heard a cry from inside.

  “Ow! You bit me!”

  That wasn’t exactly a confidence builder, especially when surrounded by vampires. I immediately rushed in, hoping that one of the neighboring vamps hadn’t decided to snack on my roomies.

  At first, I didn’t see anyone. Then I heard the voice again, coming from behind Sally’s curtain.

  “You need to watch the teeth.” It was Ed.

  “Sorry, got carried away a little,” a snarky female voice replied from the same location. Motherfucker!

  “Get a room, you two!” I loudly announced, stomping over to my luggage for some clean clothes.

  Ed immediately came running out. Fortunately for my sanity, he was still fully clothed. He did have one hand on the side of his neck, however.

  “Oh hey, Bill,” he said, a little flustered – a rare thing for Ed. “We were just...”

  “I believe the phrase you meant to say,” Sally said, also stepping out, “is that it’s none of his fucking business.” There was a slight smudge of blood on her bottom lip.

  I glared at them for a second, until he replied, “Yeah, I guess she is kind of right.”

  “Men are such pussies,” she commented with mock disgust.

  Ignoring the hundreds of things I wanted to say, I instead opted for the practical. “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah. Nothing a Band-Aid won’t fix,” Ed replied, taking a seat at the table.

  I turned to Sally. “I thought I was pretty specific on that whole no snacking on my roommates thing.”

  “Oh, please. It was just a playful little nip.”

  I was about to make another snide comment when a thought hit me. “He’s going to be okay, right?”

  “What do you mean?” Ed asked, getting a bit wide-eyed.

  “Social diseases aside,” I continued, still facing her. “He isn’t going to ... you know ... turn, is he?”

&
nbsp; “Oh, shit, I forgot about that,” he said.

  “Relax, stud,” Sally replied. “You’re fine. I’m not exactly a newb here.”

  “Well, that’s good. Not that I wouldn’t make a better vamp than Bill.”

  “I wouldn’t argue that,” she said.

  “You can both go fuck yourselves ... separately. Where’s Tom?”

  “He went off with Christy after the meeting ended.”

  “Figures,” I replied. “James brought me up to speed on what happened. How about you, did you tell Sally or was your tongue too busy...”

  “Yes, I told her what happened,” he said, cutting me off. “Although, speaking of that, thanks for sneaking out earlier. When we saw you gone, Tom and I thought maybe Turd had dragged you both off. We were going to try to find you, but then we learned you had left Nergui behind as our guard dog.”

  “I already said I was sorry,” Sally purred. “Besides, didn’t I just make it up to you?”

  “Does anyone have a stake handy, because I suddenly feel the need to impale myself on one?”

  She sighed. “Get over it, Bill.”

  I took a deep breath and counted to ten. She was right. Getting all pissy about one of my best friends hooking up with a confirmed mass murderer could wait until we got back to Brooklyn. For now, we had bigger fish to fry. Though the possibility of all-out war appeared to be less likely, we needed to find out what François was up to and stop him before he handed Turd any more concessions on a silver platter.

  “Fine,” I said, getting my emotions under control. “I will, as long as you two keep it in your pants for now.”

  She shrugged. “We were just letting off a little steam.”

  “Then you should have packed a dildo,” I replied.

  “Well...”

  “Too much information, Sally,” I snarled, before turning to Ed. “No comments from the peanut gallery.”

  He mimed zipping his lips, although he couldn’t quite keep the smirk off his face. Christ! And people complained that I acted immature. This was not the time for such infantile ... oh, fuck it!

  Who was I kidding? Like images of Sally and her battery-operated friend weren’t running rampant through my mind. My track record with women has never been great to begin with. Thoughts like that can definitely help a guy get through a dry spell, if you know what I mean.

  Still, in times of crisis, one must be able to keep one’s priorities straight. At that moment, figuring out what Turd and François were up to was at the top of that list. Jerking off to thoughts of Sally ... well, that could be tabled for a later time (and believe me, it would).

  Changing topics, I asked, “Sally, did you bring him up to speed on our little adventure – assuming you weren’t otherwise occupied?”

  “Relax. She did,” Ed said.

  “Including how she and I took a bath in Sasquatch shit?”

  His look told me she had left out that little detail.

  “And I bet she didn’t even brush her teeth before kissing you.” Oh, yeah, we were supposed to be getting back to business. “But enough of that. What do you two think about this mess?”

  “Even a moron could see that they’re up to something,” Sally said, ignoring my comment. “I just don’t see what sense it makes.”

  “Maybe Turd’s forces are even stronger than we thought,” Ed surmised. “It’s possible that François knows it and is doing his best to placate them.”

  “Sounds a little weak to me,” she said. “Think about it. If I had an army at my command – one that I was just itching to unleash upon Canada – it would take a lot more than an MP3 player and an offer of respect to keep me from turning this place into the killing fields.”

  “I don’t know. Ed might be on to something,” I replied. “Why else would Turd make such a show about what was otherwise a minor offense? He could have been trying to force François’s hand.”

  “Yeah, and maybe François has been offering more to him under the table,” Ed added.

  Sally shook her head. “Then why kill the Draculas’ negotiators? He could have just told them what was going on and made them aware of the threat. Also, there’s François himself. Every time we’ve seen him, he’s been a smug little prick. The only time he lost his composure was when Bill kicked Turd’s ass, and even then he didn’t look worried, just pissed.”

  As usual, she had a point. François didn’t act like someone who was desperate. If anything, he seemed far more like a puppet master. The only question was, whose strings were he pulling and why?

  Before we could continue any further with that train of thought, Tom entered the hut with Christy in tow. Sally shot quick warning glances to us as they came in. Tom wasn’t the issue. I had known him since kindergarten and he knew more than his fair share of embarrassing shit about me. Christy was a different story, though. I was fairly sure that, regardless of her good intentions as of late, she still had a long way to go before we were going to let her join our inner circle.

  “Hey, Bill,” Tom said as way of greeting. “Glad to see you’re still alive after you left us high and dry.”

  “Sorry,” I said. “Places to be, monsters to see. You know the drill.”

  “Really?” he replied, taking a seat at the table next to Ed and pulling one of the bowls over. “Out in the woods, five hundred miles from nowhere, and suddenly you have a social life?”

  “Be nice, Tom,” chided Christy, once again unexpectedly coming to my rescue. “I think there’s enough going on here to keep us all busy.”

  “If you say so, hon,” he replied, scooping a handful out of the bowl and beginning to munch on it.

  Before this trip began, I wouldn’t have considered asking Christy for directions to my own bathroom for fear that she’d fireball my ass the second I turned my back. However, adversity makes strange bedfellows ... not that I’m into Tom’s sloppy seconds or anything.

  “What’s going on over at your end of things?” I asked her.

  She appeared to mull it over for a moment before replying, “It’s a little strange. Two days ago the Forest Folk were trying to rally us to their cause due to Ed’s ... you know.”

  “Fertilizing their garden?” I offered.

  “Yeah, that’ll work. They even asked us to call up our master to discuss it with him.”

  I frowned at the thought of Harry Decker getting involved. I doubt he’d need much convincing to act against me. “Good thing there’s no cell reception out here,” I commented.

  “It was via magic mirror.”

  “Lovely.”

  “But that’s just the thing. They were beating the war drums when yesterday it suddenly all changed.”

  “How so?” Sally asked.

  “Before today’s session, we started hearing that peace was looking more likely.”

  “Really?”