The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Tom stood to meet her. I shrugged to Ed and Sally, then rose to join him. Christy had been supportive of me in the end. The least I could do was face the music like a man.

  She gave her boyfriend a hug before turning to me. There was a momentary pause in which I wondered if I was about to get blasted, but then she said, “Just tell me you didn’t plan for that to happen.”

  “Not for a second,” I replied.

  “I believe you.”

  “Thanks. I mean that.” I took a deep breath before continuing. Unfortunately, the next part had to be asked. “So what side are you guys on in all of this? Is it safe to assume whatever one I’m not on?”

  She looked thoughtful for a moment. “The Magi have traditionally been neutral in these affairs. But...”

  “But, now I’m around – the so-called great harbinger of doom, right?”

  She nodded. “There is that.”

  “Do you believe it?”

  “Believe what?”

  “That I’m actually going to bring about the rise of these ... Icons? After everything you’ve seen, do you really believe that I’m purposefully going to destroy anyone?”

  There was no answer at first, but then she shook her head. “No, I’m beginning to think the prophecy must be wrong. Maybe we’ve ... misinterpreted it.”

  “Although the way Bill’s luck seems to be...” Tom added.

  “Tell me about it,” I said with a sigh. “For all I know I’ll open a can of Coke tomorrow ... and POOF, it’ll somehow be the magical resting place of an army of infernal destruction.” A little chuckle broke out amongst the group.

  “Either way,” Christy continued, “I’ll try to talk to my coven. Hopefully they’ll realize we’re going to be busy enough in the days ahead.”

  “I appreciate that,” I replied, meaning every word of it. “Not to push my luck, but could I maybe ask for another favor?”

  “What?”

  “Is it safe to say you’ll be apparating out of here, or whatever the hell you guys do?”

  She let out a small laugh. “You watch too many movies. But yes, we’ll be leaving this place via magical means.”

  “Is there any chance you can take Tom and Ed with you?”

  At that, Ed started to protest, but I held up a hand.

  “Don’t argue. Despite what Grulg said, this place is bound to get unfriendly real fast. Between the Bigfeet and the vampires, everything here is going to want to either squash you, bite you ... or worse.”

  “Bill’s right,” Sally said, showing almost a modicum of concern.

  Christy nodded. “I can do that. It’s pretty far, but I might be able to get a few of my sisters to help.”

  “Just tell them Bill tried to eat us,” Tom said.

  I chuckled. “Not the way you smell.”

  “Same to you, bro.” He smiled back. “I wish we all used Dial right about now.”

  “What about you and Sally?” Ed asked.

  “Don’t worry about us. I’m hoping we can bum a ride with James.” I pointed toward the far end of the small valley where I could see his and François’s respective groups waiting. Neither looked particularly pleased.

  “Or maybe we can find where Grulg parked our Jeep,” Sally added.

  “Yeah,” I said with a grin. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll have gassed us up and washed the windows, too.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You’ve killed us all. You realize that, don’t you?” François spat, breaking the silence.

  After seeing Tom, Ed, and Christy off, we had joined the two groups of vampires waiting for us. We were all walking down the trail leading away from the scene of the failed conference. The woods around us were almost deathly quiet. It was like Turd, Grulg, and the rest of their fun bunch had simply disappeared. It was kind of spooky to tell the truth.

  “He did nothing, of the sort,” James replied, stepping between us. “Alas, I fear this may have actually been my fault.”

  “Your fault?” I asked.

  “Yes. I obviously hadn’t thought things through. Gan’s wishes, combined with Nergui’s hurt honor ... I had no idea the two would prove to be such an explosive combination.”

  “Don’t let him off so easily,” François said. “Were it not for his meddling, peace would have been assured and we would have all come out of this ahead.”

  Sally pointed an accusing finger at him. “Yeah, but you would have come out a lot more ahead, isn’t that right?”

  “What of it, you insipid little slut? In matters such as these, there are always winners and losers. Now, though, we are all losers thanks to this inept clod.”

  “Don’t blame me, asshole,” I fired back. “This whole thing happened because of you.” James raised an eyebrow at that, so I said. “Yeah, it’s true. This French fried fuck caused it all. He somehow got the Sasquatches to attack the Khan just to set this whole thing up. All so he could become the fucking syrup king of Canada. Isn’t that right?”

  François stood back and sneered. “So what if it is? What does it matter? I removed an enemy and set myself up for a great reward. Don’t fool yourself into thinking I’m the first of our kind to do so.”

  James’s eyes momentarily turned black. However, he somehow managed to control himself. He took several deep breaths before asking, “You risked war over something as petty as monetary gain?”

  “Have you not been listening? There would have been no war. This whole conference was nothing but a ruse. Turd and his minions were pathetically easy to bribe. The First’s negotiators alone would have most likely cost a thousand times what it took to sway that lummox.”

  “I’m sure they would have,” I said. “But you cheaped out and killed them instead.”

  “What?” François replied, his eyes narrowing. “Their disappearance was fortuitous, I admit, but if you are daring to imply...”

  “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” I snapped. “After all this, are you seriously trying to claim you didn’t have them offed?”

  “Actually, he did not,” a voice replied from just inside the tree line. “I removed them from the equation.” A figure stepped out toward us. It was Alex. “The act was regrettable, but alas necessary.”

  “What the hell?!” I sputtered, completely flummoxed.

  Did he just...? The entire thing had come from completely outta left field, catching me entirely off guard. Before I could even begin to digest this confession, though, I realized that Alex, Sally, and I were the only ones still standing. All of the rest, James and François included, had fallen to one knee.

  “Lord Alexander!” James exclaimed from his prostrate position.

  “My liege!” François likewise bellowed.

  Sally and I exchanged a glance. “Did I miss something here?” I asked her.

  “Don’t look at me. I didn’t get the memo either.”

  “On your knees!” hissed James. “Do you not know who that is?”

  “Uh ... no.”

  Alex simply smiled and walked over. “Well, then allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alexander.”

  “I kind of guessed that,” I replied drolly.

  “More commonly known,” he added, “as Alexander of Macedon.”

  The name didn’t ring a bell so I just stood there, waiting for him to continue.

  “Son of Philip of Macedon...”

  I shrugged, still not comprehending.

  Sally reached over and smacked me upside the head. “Alexander the Great, stupid.”

  “Oh ... OH!” I said, realizing whom she meant. I probably should have joined the others down on my knees. We were in the presence of a two-thousand-plus-year-old vampire. Not only that, but one of the most legendary conquerors of all time. Unfortunately, right then my mouth remembered that it had a mind of its own. Instead of saying something humble and respectful, I asked, “So was your mother really as hot as Angelina Jolie?”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  There were shocked gasps from all around and I reali
zed why. If this guy was as old as I thought, he was undoubtedly one of the Draculas ... and they were not known for their sense of humor.

  Even Sally took a step back, as if afraid of getting splattered by my impending dismemberment.

  Instead of annihilating me with extreme prejudice, though, Alex actually chuckled. “You do continue to surprise me, Freewill. It is most refreshing, and in answer to your question ... no. Had she been, I most likely would have never left Greece.”

  “Forgive him, my lord,” James said. “He’s young and...”

  “Stupid?” I asked. One didn’t need to be a master of mad libs to be able to fill in that blank.

  Alex ignored me, though. He stepped over to where James still knelt. “Ah, Wanderer. It is good to see you again.” He put one hand on James’s shoulder. Oh crap. I hoped I wasn’t about to see the Draculas’ wrath firsthand. It would be totally unfair to make James an example for my failures ... not that vampires had any real sense of what’s fair.

  Fortunately, rather than do something dickish like that, Alex said, “Rise, Wanderer. The First kneel to no one, not even those of our coven.”

  Whoa!

  “My lord?” James asked, perhaps the first time I had ever heard him unsure of himself.

  “You heard me. I choose you to fill your sire’s place. You have proven yourself more than worthy.”

  “What?” François hissed, rising. “I protest. This is...”

  “This is my will,” Alex said, the threat evident in his voice. “Or would you challenge that?”

  A look of fear crossed François’s face. He wore it well. It suited the weasely little dick. “No ... of course not.”

  “A wise answer. Perhaps the only one I have heard escape your lips since this began. I must say I am disappointed, François. This is not the first time you have attempted and failed to betray our race, am I correct?”

  “I was just...”

  “Fear not. Your death shall not come at my hands. I have a bit of admiration for ambition, after all, inept though your efforts may be. Fortunately for you, there will be plenty of chances to prove yourself again in the coming days.”

  “There will?”

  “Of course. This is your domain, is it not?”

  “Yes,” François replied, a little uncertain.

  “Well, I dare say then, you are on the front lines of this war. When the Grendel attack, yours will be the first line of defense standing before them.”

  “But...”

  “But nothing! You have much to prepare for ... NOW BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT!!”

  The compulsion was aimed squarely at François. Such was its force, though, that the trees around us all shook as if a tremor had passed through them. I may be the Freewill and immune to such things, but I had a feeling Alex could’ve popped all our heads like water balloons had he felt like it. As it were, François’s eyes glazed over. Without another word, he turned and walked away. His men quickly followed his lead, not wishing to risk Alex’s wrath.

  A recent memory hit me as I watched them leave. “I thought you said...”

  “I said it was difficult to compel someone of François’s age ... not impossible,” Alex calmly replied, turning back toward me. “Now that the refuse has been taken out, I must say, well done, Freewill.”

  “Well done?”

  “Yes. I am quite pleased.”

  “Um, you do realize I just started a war back there, right?” I asked. “I thought the Drac ... err ... First Coven wanted peace.”

  “Partly true. My brothers and sisters desired that outcome.”

  “I’m not following.”

  “What a surprise,” Sally commented under her breath.

  “Sally...” James growled in a slight warning tone, shutting her up.

  “Though I am first amongst equals,” Alex said, showing that low self-esteem was obviously not one of his vices, “I am occasionally forced to acquiesce to the whims of the other First, but not so this time. The opportunity was too ripe.”

  “Opportunity for what?”

  “To finish what I began two millennia ago, of course. I had half of Asia bowing down before me when an unfortunate encounter in India led to my being turned. As the recently reawakened, I was forced to obey my master and step into the shadows. Helpless, I watched as my armies squabbled amongst themselves and eventually dispersed.”

  “Yeah, I remember reading about that in history class.”

  Alex ignored my interruption, apparently lost in his own thoughts. “I bided my time, gaining strength and power while removing any rivals. At long last, I became the first of the First. After all these countless centuries, I knew that it was time for our people to step forth from the shadows and claim this world as our own ... as my own. Alas, the others begged to disagree. It has been a point of consternation amongst us for some time now.”

  He stepped forward and looked me square in the eye. “When you were born, though, I knew it was a sign, a call to action, if you will. We shall rise and conquer, the wishes of the others be damned.”

  “Okay,” I replied slowly, feeling the crazy coming off of him in waves. “So you planned all of this yourself?”

  “Not entirely. Your reputation precedes you, Freewill. In such a short time, you have developed quite the aptitude for ... how do I say this...”

  “Fucking things up?” Sally offered.

  “Yes, that will do nicely. You really are astute, my dear. I meant it when I said that earlier. I see a great future for you.”

  “Thanks,” she answered blithely. Bitch!

  “I knew deep down,” he continued, “that by putting you in a position of authority, you would find a way to fulfill your destiny.”

  “My destiny?”

  “Have you not listened to the prophecies, boy? You are the Freewill, the one who shall lead our forces against our enemies. Well, congratulations, now you have enemies to lead the charge against.”

  “That was your blood,” I said, beginning to understand.

  “Of course,” Alex admitted. “I will say it had quite the effect on you. Startling, in fact. You are everything the legends said you would be. You simply require a bit of polishing before you reach your full potential.”

  “But ... the world, my lord...” James stammered, still not having regained his composure.

  “I already told you, Wanderer, enough with the groveling. We are brothers now. As for the world ... the world needs a good purging. It has been far too long since the last great flood or Black Death. This time we shall remake the world in our own image.”

  Sally and I exchanged glances. Oh, yeah, this was not good.

  “This is a great day, my friends,” Alex said, clapping us each on the shoulder in turn. “The vampire nation shall rise from the ashes, supreme in a world of darkness!”