The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Yeah ... a world of batshit crazy darkness.

  The Awesomely Important Epilogue

  The world of darkness would fortunately have to wait. Work was my most pressing concern right at that moment. Our trip back from Canada turned out to be considerably faster and easier than the trip there. Once the truce had been dissolved, we didn’t need to worry about the Sasquatches’ restrictions on technology. After filling us in on his plans for an extreme global makeover, Alex conveniently produced a satellite phone and made a quick call. An hour later, a pair of black, heavily-armed helicopters arrived to pick us up and take us back home. I guess it's good to be king.

  Alex and James departed in one, headed for parts unknown. There were preparations to be made on both sides. Despite Alex’s posturing, neither faction was prepared for immediate battle, which I guess was good. I wasn’t quite ready to kiss my own ass goodbye yet anyway.

  Sally and I were flown back to the city on the other, being told that the vampire nation would call upon us when it was time. Essentially the fuckers set me up to doom the world and then gave me a “Don't call us, we'll call you.”

  We spent most of the trip back in silence, a rarity for us. I knew we were both thinking the same thing, but the vamps flying us were undoubtedly Alex’s men. In such company, it was best not to voice our true thoughts on the “glorious” future ahead of us.

  That being said, once back, it was amazing how quickly the whole frigged-up experience began to feel like a bad dream. Sally and I had the same top priority upon arriving home ... the world’s longest shower (sadly separate). She went back to Manhattan to deal with coven issues ... although I suspected her main issue would involve a massive amount of pampering at the hands of Alfonzo. Note to self: stake that guy just to piss her off.

  I made my way back to Brooklyn where I happily found my roommates waiting for me. Christy had made good on her part of the deal. They had even cleaned up that “disintegrate Bill” dust for me, which was awfully cool of them considering I had completely forgotten about it by then.

  Upon my arrival, I filled them in on what went down after they had poofed out of there. Tom summed it up best of all.

  “What a bunch of fucking cocks!”

  Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Our boss, Jim, was overjoyed at having us back. I was kind of glad, too, since that meant I still had a good chunk of my vacation days left. I figured there was no reason to upset him by mentioning that the concept of programming video games was all for naught since civilization was teetering on the edge of total destruction. I’m considerate that way.

  Despite my status of permanent telecommuter, Jim asked if I wouldn’t mind popping by the office on a day when I was feeling up to it. He wanted to have a face-to-face to go over existing projects as well as some new priorities that were coming down the pipe from the higher-ups.

  He was referring to the, unbeknownst to him, bullshit cover story of my illness. For me, though, this meant picking a day when I wasn’t likely to be turned to dust. I quickly checked the weather report (a gamble, I know), discovered it would be overcast on Friday of that week, and set our meeting for that day. It made sense. I could stop in and talk to him, then head over to the Office to see what shenanigans Sally had been up to.

  Little did I know then, but I should have prayed for sunshine.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I arrived at the office of Hopskotchgames around mid-afternoon. My first impression was that they had redecorated. The entire programming floor had been rearranged. There was still the prerequisite sea of cubes, but several open work areas had been created.

  One of the database guys, Mike, saw me standing there taking it all in. “Hey, Bill. Heard you were dead.”

  “What?!”

  “Just kidding, man. Haven’t seen you in a while.”

  “Oh ... yeah,” I stammered. The joke shouldn’t have caught me off guard, but sometimes I could get paranoid over the whole undead thing.

  “Like the new digs?”

  “It’s definitely different. One of the VPs get a bug up their ass about the décor?”

  “Nah. Upper management hired these new efficiency experts. Apparently, they made quite the pitch. They’ve been changing things left and right.”

  “More management bullshit?”

  “Not really. Some of it actually makes sense. Go figure,” he replied. “They’re all here today. You should stick around and meet them.”

  “Why would I care?”

  “I think you’ll like them,” he finished with a smug smile and said no more. I was about to pump him for more info when Jim spotted us and beckoned me over.

  We spent about an hour and a half going over stuff. There was nothing really special to discuss – just your typical type-A personality boss crap: him having a near aneurysm about new priorities and me making assurances. Still, he seemed in a better mood than when last we spoke. I learned it was because he was close to hiring a new admin. The relief coming off him was palpable. Personally, I couldn’t have cared less. There had been nothing wrong with the old admin. In fact, she had been perfect, as far as I was concerned.

  That pretty much ended the meeting for me. Jim droned on for another half hour, but I didn’t hear him. I was stuck thinking about Sheila and how our potential future had been snatched away ... first by her quitting and now by me destroying the world.

  We finished up and I said my goodbyes, preparing to head over to the coven. As I was walking out, though, I noticed a few of the executive team exiting one of the larger conference rooms. I remembered Mike’s suggestion. It looked like they were wrapping up anyway, so I figured it wouldn’t kill me to wait a few extra minutes. I leaned up against a wall to get a load of the jokers that were here to make us all super-efficient worker drones.

  And that’s when all my thoughts pretty much ground to a dead halt.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It wasn’t the sight of our CEO that got me. It was whom he was shaking hands with. No fucking way! It was no wonder Mike had been so goddamn sly. I had been told that my infatuation with our former admin wasn’t exactly a well-kept secret. Guess they were right. Suddenly I was glad I had listened to him, smug grin and all.

  Sheila stood there talking to our CEO. Hell, just a few weeks ago, I doubted he would have recognized her if he’d run her down with his BMW. Yet there she was, looking him straight in the eye and talking as if they were old friends. I almost couldn't believe I was actually seeing her again. At the same time, though, it almost wasn’t her.

  It's hard to explain, but she had changed. I could tell that with a casual glance alone – not that there was anything casual about the way I was staring at her. Gone was her typical bland office attire. She was dressed in a business suit – an expensive one, by the looks of it. She held herself straight and proud, an aura of confidence about her. The shy girl who had, just a short time ago, confided in me about not believing in herself was nowhere to be seen. Standing there was a woman who looked like she could conquer anything that stood in her way.

  Despite all of that, though, she was still the most amazing person I had ever seen ... just more so, if that was even possible.

  I stood there gawking like a complete idiot for what could have been hours, for all I knew. She said her goodbyes and then her eyes shifted in my direction. Normally I would have picked that moment to dive into an unoccupied cubicle, but I had changed, too. With the fate of the world resting upon my shoulders, the very least I could do was stand my ground and say “hi.”

  When she saw me, she broke out into a big smile, and I could tell it was genuine. She was just that type of person. It could’ve been wishful thinking on my part, but I didn’t get that vibe.

  She walked over and I immediately felt my veneer of bravery collapse. It was as if the cool, confident part of my brain decided that it was the perfect time for a nap. Guess I hadn’t changed that much after all. Fucking asshole subconscious!

&nb
sp; “So ... you’re back?” I stammered, feeling sweat break out on my forehead.

  “Hi, Bill,” she said, the warm smile never leaving her face.

  “Sorry. I mean, it’s great to see you again. I didn’t know if ... well ... I would ever...”

  She giggled. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’ve just been really busy.”

  “I can imagine,” I replied, having no real clue. “So are you ... they said efficiency experts ... and...”

  “Yes, and yes.” She reached into her breast pocket (oh, those heavenly breasts) and produced a business card. “Check it out.”

  “I will,” I replied, absentmindedly sticking it into my own shirt pocket. That could wait until later. No way was I wasting a moment of our time together staring at a stupid business card.

  We stood there in awkward silence for a few moments. Could it have been that she was as nervous as I was? Nah, not the way she looked. She was probably just thinking of a way to escape from my...

  “You know, it’s weird running into you here.”

  “Yeah, the whole work from home thing...”

  “No. It’s just that ... this is going to sound a little bizarre, but I had the strangest dream about you the other night.”

  “Really?” Please let it be a sex dream.

  “Yeah. You were in the woods and these things were chasing you. Weird huh?”

  I blinked stupidly at that for a moment. “Uh, yeah ... weird.” Holy crap, hadn't I dreamt of her too just a few nights back? Well, okay, I tended to dream about her all the time. Still, maybe this was the sign I was looking for, the one that proved we were connected by fate. Yeah, I liked that. Worked for me.

  “So, anyway,” she continued, “were you on your way out?”

  “Um, yeah ... just popped by to see Jim.”

  “Well then, I guess luck is with me twice today.” It was? “That was my last meeting. Maybe you can walk me to the train.”

  Maybe? Maybe?! If Alex, Turd, and François all appeared and said that I could do so, but only if I fought them all first, I’d dive right into that shit without a second thought.

  So of course, I answered, “Okay, I guess so.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Someone pinch me. I must’ve been having a dream. No, fuck that! Don’t pinch me, because I didn’t want to wake up. The walk to the train didn’t end there. We kept talking and laughing ... and, well, just kept going. Eventually it turned into me walking her home. Holy fantastic fantasies, Batman.

  Along the way, I learned a few things. Sheila’s little efficiency operation wasn’t quite so little. Hopskotchgames was just one of her clients. In a short time, she had used her contacts to get a foot in the door at several other companies all across SoHo. She now had a small staff and had even managed to secure a modest amount of venture financing.

  “...and it’s mostly because of you,” she finished as we neared her apartment. We had been walking for a while, taking the scenic route so to speak. The sky was fully dark by the time we approached her stoop.

  “Me? Yeah, I doubt that.”

  “Don’t.” She stopped and looked me in the eye, dead serious. “You said it yourself. Sometimes we need someone else to believe in us before we can believe in ourselves. You’re the one who gave me that push.”

  “You would have gotten there yourself...”

  “That’s the thing,” she interrupted. “I don’t know that. My other friends, my family...” she trailed off. “It’s hard to explain, but I know what I believe.”

  “Oh,” I replied stupidly, coming up with absolutely zilch as way of answer.

  “I just wanted to say ... thank you,” she whispered, stepping closer, now edging into my personal space. Every wuss instinct in my body, of which there was no shortage, screamed at me to run.

  No! I wouldn’t do that this time. There might never be another opportunity like this, especially if we all ended up enslaved by Bigfoot.

  “You’re welcome,” I said, leaning in closer – barely believing I was doing so.

  This was it. Time to go for the kill, figuratively of course.

  We continued to approach one another (Oh, yeah, T-minus seven to kissy face!). I looked deep into her eyes. I still couldn’t believe how much she had changed since last I had seen her. Everything about her was different, more confident: her demeanor, her attitude, her clothes, even her eyes seemed to have changed. Gone was the subtle grey they had been. Now they seemed to sparkle, almost like silver.

  Our lips were about to touch. YES! This was it...

  Wait a second ... silver eyes?!

  KER-BLAM!!!

  One second I felt all tingly, almost like I was on fire. The next, I actually was on fire.

  An explosion of white flame flared around me and I catapulted backwards. The next thing I knew, I was lying in a pile of trash all the way across the street. Flames covered the front of my body, but through them, I could see her. She stood there in shock but completely unhurt. A soft white glow surrounded her body. No fucking way!

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t over for me. My body subconsciously reacted to the pain. I felt my eyes blacken against my will. My fangs and claws both extended as she started crossing the street toward me. But, I wasn’t finished yet.

  Oh, no! Not now!

  Whatever dark power flowed through a Freewill such as myself began to assert itself. I could sense the beast inside me pushing its way out. I was starting to change.

  “Stay back!” I warned.

  But, Sheila continued to approach, a mixture of confusion and fear upon her face.

  “What are you?” was the last thing I heard her say before I stood and ran like my life depended on it. Both of ours may have.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “What the fuck happened to you?” Sally asked, taking the cucumber slices off her eyes long enough to give me the once over.

  The worst of the damage had already healed, but I was covered in soot and my clothes were charred tatters. Fortunately, the change had subsided before fully taking hold. Getting away from Sheila had apparently been the key to that.

  “She’s the Icon!” I shouted, near hysterics.

  “Alfonzo, can you leave us for a moment?”

  The effeminate little douche made a sniffing noise but did as told. He walked from Sally’s office and shut the door behind him. Once we were alone, she sat up and gave me her full attention. “Now say that again.”

  “Sheila is the Icon.”

  “Who?”

  “That girl I like.”

  “Oh, her,” she replied offhandedly. “How do you know?”

  I gestured down at myself. “She blew me across the street.”

  “She blew you on the street?”

  “Across!”

  “That is a bit different. How did it happen?”

  “I tried to kiss her.”

  “Really? You dog you.”

  “Not funny, Sally.”

  “Sorry.” She held up her hands in a placating manner. “Well, it could have been worse.”