The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Me: Gentlemen, please. Let’s focus here. I have more questions.

  Tom: (holds up a fist) Optimus Prime, never forget!

  Me: Uh yeah. So anyway, to change the topic a bit...you’re both aware that Bill is a vampire, correct?

  Ed: Well yeah. I mean we’re the first people he told.

  Me: And you’re both okay with it?

  Tom: Hells yeah! It is fucking-A cool.

  Ed: I don’t know if I’d go that far, but yeah we’re fine with it.

  Tom: I’m better than that. Hell, our lives have gotten a shitload more exciting since then.

  Ed: And dangerous...don’t forget that.

  Tom: Not to mention the fringe benefits.

  Me: Excuse me?

  Tom: If Bill hadn’t become a vampire, I’d never have met my girlfriend, Christy. Let me tell you, that chick knows how to...

  Me: I’m sure we don’t need to go into detail.

  Ed: Thank you! I hear it enough as it is.

  Me: Although speaking of your girlfriend – isn’t she a witch?

  Ed: A semi-psycho one.

  Tom: All I’m hearing is more jealousy because I’m getting some on a regular basis. (back to me) Yeah she’s a witch, but it’s cool.

  Ed: Not to Bill.

  Tom: It’s fine. We have an arrangement.

  Me: An Arrangement?

  Ed: Christy wants Bill dead.

  Me: I can see how that could be an issue.

  Tom: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. We have it all worked out. She’s not allowed to try to snuff Bill in our apartment.

  Me: And that works?

  Ed: No.

  Tom: Yeah. Trust me.

  Me: Speaking of trust, how do you both view Bill? After all, he is what most people would consider to be a bloodsucking monster.

  Tom: I’m more worried about waking up and finding Bill chewing on my dick than my neck.

  Ed: My god you are an idiot! (back to me) But in a nutshell, Tom’s right. I don’t worry about Bill. He’s our friend and we’re his. His vampire buddies on the other hand...

  Me: Like Sally?

  Ed: Um, well...

  Tom: Go on, tell him.

  Me: What?

  Ed: There isn’t much to tell. We went on one date.

  Me: You dated Sally, and lived?

  Ed: Obviously. Don’t get me wrong, she scares the ever bejesus out of me.

  Tom: But she’s a prime piece of ass if ever there was one.

  Ed: There is that.

  Me: I’ll agree on the scary part at least. So have things changed with Bill ever since he became a vampire.

  Ed: Yes and no. Like Tom said, things have definitely been more interesting. On the other hand, we’re still his best friends. If he gets in trouble we help him out and vice versa. Albeit the trouble he gets into as of late has been a lot more potentially lethal than before.

  Tom: Hell yeah. I can’t tell you how many of my toys have gotten broken because...

  Ed: Oh will you shut the fuck up about that already! You’re like a fucking five year old! (back to me) Bottom line is friends don’t abandon friends just because they’ve grown a set of fangs.

  Me: That’s a refreshing thing to hear these days.

  Tom: Yeah, that’s why he sleeps with a shotgun under his bed.

  Ed: I never said we had to be stupid about the whole thing.

  Me: Thank you, both. It’s been...fascinating.

  Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East (coast)

  The following is the last of my taped sessions. It’s also the strangest, as I don’t recall having conducted it or even meeting the person I supposedly spoke with. Yet when I played back my tapes to transcribe these, there it was. Who knows what else I don’t remember? Perhaps I’ll never know. All I do know is that I’ve lived to tell my tale...for now.

  Me: Please state your name.

  Christy: My name is Christine Fenton...Christy for short.

  Me: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Christy. I’ll cut right to the chase. I’ve been told by your boyfriend, Tom McIntyre, that you are an actual witch.

  Christy: Yes I am.

  Me: Care to elaborate?

  Christy: I am a humble conductor of the power primal.

  Me: The power primal?

  Christy: The life-force that flows in and around us all.

  Me: Sounds very new-age.

  Christy: I personally blame the Wiccans’ for that. And before you ask, no they’re not real witches. Ever see one of them do this? (holds up a hand. A crackle of energy erupts from it a moment later)

  Me: No...I can’t say that I have. So you’re telling me that, much like vampires, magic is real?

  Christy: Oh most certainly. You’ve probably seen it yourself. A lot of people can tap into it slightly...just barely enough to notice. If you’ve ever had déjà-vu, a dream that came true, or even found your keys in a spot where they weren’t just a second ago...you’ve most likely had a brush with it. The only difference is that people like me, the Magi, can use it much more proactively.

  Me: So where’s your wand?

  Christy: Oh please, don’t start that. There are no wands. I don’t use my broom for anything other than sweeping. And no, I do not have a diploma from any school with the word Hog in its name. But if you’d like to see my version of Avarda Kedarva I’d be more than happy to oblige. I warn you though; it’s a bit messier than in the movies.

  Me: Err...maybe we should move along...

  Christy: Let’s.

  Me: So how did you end up dating Bill’s roommate, Tom.

  Christy: It’s kind of a funny story. My coven master...

  Me: I thought covens were...

  Christy: Yeah, I’ve heard that, too. Supposedly we stole the idea from vampires. Whatever. At least we give the word some class. Anyway, my master, Harry Decker, assigned me to ascertain whether or not Bill was the Freewill of our legends...

  Me: Harry Decker? I seem to recall Bill mentioning him...

  Christy: It’s bad mojo to interrupt a witch, you know.

  Me: Sorry. I’m just trying to ask about points of interest.

  Christy: Fine. I’ll let it slide for now. Anyway, of course Bill knows him. He’s the vice president of marketing at their company.

  Me: Oh

  Christy: He’s also the leader of my coven, a high adept of the magical arts.

  Me: Fascinating. Getting back to Bill, you have legends about the Freewill too?

  Christy: Yes. As I was saying, my master sent me to determine whether Bill was this vampire of legend. I got a job at the same place as his roommate and began to work my magic on him, figuratively speaking.

  Me: Really?

  Christy: Well okay, a little actual magic too. It didn’t take much though.

  Me: So you’re only dating Tom to spy on Bill?

  Christy: Well I was, but he kind of grew on me after a while. So now he’s really my boyfriend. What can I say, he makes me laugh.

  Me: And Bill?

  Christy: Nothing personal against him. He seems like an okay guy, but he still has to die.

  Me: Why?

  Christy: Because his coming heralds disaster for my kind. The Icons will rise again and smite us into the dirt.

  Me: Icons?

  Christy: Icons of Faith. It’s hard to explain, but Icons are rare people who have powers that make them deadly to both vampires and Magi. Their touch burns the undead and they can resist our magic. That Bill is the Freewill foretells their return as well.

  Me: That sounds like it would be just as bad for the vampires as for you.

  Christy: Tough noogies for them. At the end of the day, magic or not, I’m still a person. The vampires, well most of them are just monsters. They won’t be missed.

  Me: I see. So why are you telling me all of this? It sounds like an agenda you would probably want to keep under wraps.

  Christy: It’s no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to remember any of it.

  Me: I’m not sure
I follow.

  Christy: It’s simple, silly. Watch (makes a few hand gestures...a few seconds go by and she starts to glow).

  Me: That’s fairly impressive. However, I don’t see what that’s going to...

  *ZZZZAP!!!*

  Me: Ugh. Where am I? Who are you?

  Christy: You fell and took a nasty bump to your head.

  Me: I did?

  Christy: Yeah, but don’t worry. You look much better now. I think you’ll be just fine. (walks away)

  Me: Hey! Come back...huh, what’s this? (finds recorder in pocket) Man, I gotta stop doing those three margarita lunches.

  Preview: Goddamned Freaky Monsters

  ARISE, FREEWILL!!

  Ugh. There are few things that can fuck up a good night’s sleep quite like the goddamned alarm clock going off.

  I stretched and sat up, feeling as if I’d slept for weeks. A yawn escaped my lips and I blinked several times as my body continued booting up. Once my head was clear, I put my glasses on – snapping things into focus.

  Before it could go off again, I smacked the button on the clock – giving it a good whack to drive the point home. Jeez, what a stupid alarm. Who the hell would program something like that into a clock, anyway? It had to have been my roommates fucking with me...again. The dickheads seemed to have a hard-on for doing so.

  Oh well, it was probably time to get my ass moving. It’s not like the work day was going to start without me.

  I hopped right into my morning routine, pausing only momentarily as I tried to think of what was on the docket for the day. Surely there was some fire to be put out – a project due that was probably giving Jim, my manager at Hopskotchgames.com, a near aneurysm. It was the same thing week after week. Sure, it could get annoying, but there was a certain comfort in the routine of it all.

  The only problem was that I had no idea which project needed tending to. Was it Farm Fury? No, we launched that already. Maybe Birds of War? Could be Doctor Dexter’s Daring Dash – that one was coming soon...I think.

  Odd. Usually, I was pretty spot on for my schedule, but for the life of me, I had no clue what I was supposed to be working on. Hell, come to think of it, I had no idea what day it even was. It could have been the freaking weekend for all I knew.

  But then, why the alarm clock? Oh well. It would probably sort itself out as the morning progressed.

  Trying to ignore the concern that nagged at me, I grabbed my clothes and headed toward the bathroom. Hopefully, it would be unoccupied and there would still be some hot water left. Surely a shower would help clear my head.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Just as I sat on the couch, a bowl of Cap’n Crunch in hand, a sense of déjà vu hit me. That was stupid. I mean, of course I’d done this before. I lived in this place, for Christ’s sake. I’d probably eaten hundreds of bowls of tooth-rotting cereal sitting right in this spot.

  I shook it off as part of the general paranoia that had become a part of my existence ever since dying and rising from the proverbial grave as a vampire. The supernatural world was a fucked-up place, and it seemed that I couldn’t take a dump without some entity deciding that I needed to be vaporized. Such things tended to mess with one’s outlook on life after a while.

  Well, fuck that shit. The worries of the underworld could wait until after I’d had my breakfast.

  I flipped on the TV, enjoying the rare moment of normalcy. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Hell, a disturbing amount of my life remained mundane. There was my job, for starters – believe me, becoming one of the undead hadn’t been an instant lottery ticket to riches. There were also my roommates...

  Speaking of which, where the hell were they?

  I guess it made sense that Tom had either left early for his job in Manhattan or maybe slept over at his girlfriend’s place, but Ed worked from home like me. There wasn’t anything requiring him to be in the office today, at least that I could remember, and last night was...

  I paused, a spoonful of cereal halfway to my mouth. Last night was what? That was a blank too. It couldn’t have been too memorable. I mean, heck, the apartment wasn’t even close to being trashed. At the very least, I should’ve had some remembrance of what show I’d watched or video game I’d played, but there was nothing.

  Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t seem to be suffering from amnesia or any bullshit like that. The important stuff was all there: who I was, my job, where I lived – that kind of shit. It was just the recent past that eluded me for some reason.

  I had to admit – it was starting to get odd.

  Maybe we had all gone...

  Come to think of it, when was the last time I had even seen my roommates?

  No, that was stupid. We were the best of friends. We hung out all the time...even when the forces of evil were trying to collectively ass-fuck us.

  Weird. Maybe I drank a few bottles of overly skunked beer last night and it was screwing with my brain. That didn’t sound so farfetched. If so, my vampire metabolism would take care of it as the day went on, hopefully allowing the fog to lift from my head.

  Yeah, I’d let things sort themselves out. There was probably no point in worrying.

  I bit down with a satisfying crunch, then began scanning through the channels, hoping to find something worth watching.

  Not wanting to burden my soul with Good Morning America or similar insipid morning shit, I quickly skipped to the cable channels – finally stopping on what looked to be some sort of action flick.

  There was a battle taking place on a rooftop. Multi-colored lightning flashed in the background as the combatants recklessly tore into each other – gotta love low-budget sci-fi. Yeah, this had promise.

  A glowing blonde angel was trashing the bad guys in the middle of it all. Damn, she was hot. Hopefully, this flick had some nudity in it. That wouldn’t exactly be a horrible way to start the day.

  Another character, this one decked out in a SpongeBob backpack of all things, hopped onto the screen and began similarly kicking ass. She looked to be of roughly schoolgirl age. Maybe this was a Japanese fetish flick. Talk about a country that was seriously fucked in the head when it came to entertainment.

  I was about to change the channel and see what else was playing when my hand paused on the remote. The walking Nickelodeon advertisement was tackled from the side and dragged screaming off the edge. It should have been hilarious. I mean, seriously, I’ve never seen a Wilhelm scream scene that didn’t crack me up. Something about this bothered me, though.

  That déjà vu feeling hit me again like a brick to the forehead.

  No idea why, but the whole thing felt oddly familiar, and not in a good way. Sadness filled me at the poor little character’s demise. As the rest of the scene unfolded before me, I actually had to reach up and wipe a few tears from my eyes.

  I quickly glanced around, making sure neither of my roommates was present to see my sensitive side coming out to play. I’d never hear the end of that. After a few moments – satisfied that I was still alone – I turned back to see how things played out.

  The battle seemed to be over. The angel stood there, victorious. She was still wearing too much clothing for my personal gratification, but nevertheless, I was tempted to stand up and cheer for her. Then I noticed one of the bad guys was still alive and approaching from her blind side.

  I actually shouted, “No!” at the screen as he pulled out a ridiculously large gun and pointed it at the blonde Xena’s head. A bullet to her face ended the showdown.

  I stared transfixed, wondering how the director could allow such a downer of an ending. Asshole should’ve been fired. Things weren’t quite over yet, though. Apparently in need of a fucked-up finale to finish things off with, a bad CGI monster – some kind of Hulk rip-off – jumped into frame from out of nowhere and began tearing shit up.

  Okay, this was getting a little too out there, even for me – which was strange in and of itself. Normally, I enjoyed fucked-up foreign movies, but this one had left a bad taste in my mout
h for some reason.

  I clicked off the television and placed my bowl down, my appetite gone too.

  Standing up, I turned my thoughts toward work. Heck, after watching that shit, I was actually looking forward to it. Maybe a few hours of coding would slap me out of my funk. I still had no idea exactly what I was supposed to be programming, but maybe that didn’t matter. Hell, worst-case scenario was I would wing it – maybe take a stab at creating something from scratch. It’s not like Jim would say no to some extra...

  A knock at the door interrupted my train of thought.

  I waited for a moment, making sure I hadn’t imagined it, but then it came again. Hmm, kind of early for visitors.

  Not thinking too much of it, I stood up and walked over – assuming one of my wayward roommates had locked himself out again. In the back of my head, thoughts of wizards, vampire assassins, and angry Sasquatches played out, but I dismissed them all. Most of those, especially that last group, probably wouldn’t have bothered knocking. Besides, I lived in the middle of Brooklyn – not exactly prime Bigfoot country.

  Chuckling at my own paranoia, I reached for the knob. As the door opened, though, the sound instantly died in my throat. For a moment, I could do nothing but gape in stunned silence.

  The person who stood there was quite familiar to me. I’d have known him anywhere, even with the black eyes and razor sharp fangs.

  How could I not? It was me.

  Yeah, my day had just gotten a wee bit stranger.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Goddamned Freaky Monsters

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