“Yes, sir,” I said. Magnus nodded.
Jarl rose from the bed. “Magnus, I want you to bring her to my office daily for warm compresses and manipulation. Can you do that?”
“Of course.” The joy in Magnus’s voice was palpable.
Jarl went to the door, turning back to regard me one last time. “I’m going to apologize to you right now.”
“For what?” I asked.
“This will be painful. If you aren’t calling me the spawn of a whore and walking out on me at least twice a week, I’ll know I’m doing something wrong. I promise you’ll see results if you stay with it, but you have to commit to this treatment no matter how much it hurts.” His eyes held a question.
“I can. I will.” At least I wanted to. That would have to suffice for now.
It was going to be hard enough to get myself strong.
13: MAGNUS
We started with the basics. Kymber needed to gain weight before we could begin training. I instructed Mrs. Toolwin to stock the kitchen with the most nutritious food she could get her hands on. She went above and beyond in her search; my pantries were soon full to bursting with beneficial grains and rare spices. Goodness filled every dish my kind-hearted cook set upon the table.
I encouraged Kymber to eat every two or three hours whether she wanted to or not. We stuffed ourselves for three weeks before we began taking walks on the beach, in our bare feet, to build and strengthen the thigh and calf muscles.
The walks also gave us a chance to talk, as we weren’t doing much of that up at the house. She was quiet and withdrawn much of the time. Coward that I was, I simply couldn’t bring myself to ask what was wrong.
I kept our conversations light and airy, as she never initiated them on her own. Her replies rarely consisted of more than a sentence or two, sometimes a single word given in a whisper. Something big was lurking inside her, just below the surface.
I feared that something.
Jarl had warned me her recovery needed to be mental as well as physical. The signs of brutality on her body had shocked him.
“Gods, Magnus, what did Garai do to her?” he’d asked at a subsequent visit.
“She’s spoken of it a handful of times. In truth, I’m afraid to know.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m afraid I’ll tear the world apart with my bare hands if I hear the details. I wasn’t there to save her. I can never fix this for her.”
“Well.” Jarl removed his glasses to clean them on his tunic. “She’s holding on to a lot of anger. You’ll have to coax it out of her before she begins to train. A warrior should never–”
“Fight with their emotions,” I finished. “I know.”
Still, I wanted her to be the one to start the dialogue. It didn’t quite work out that way.
Kymber and I walked twice a day for several weeks before I asked the question that opened the door into her long nightmare.
“Are you happy, Kymber?”
I didn’t think she heard me at first so I repeated the question. When she didn’t answer, I thought perhaps she was ignoring me.
A harsh sigh finally punctuated her silence. “I wonder if I’m even capable of happiness.”
“That’s a rather bleak statement. I’d hoped living with me–”
She came to a halt in the sand and gave me a look that chilled me to the bone. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to physically belong to someone else?”
I stopped beside her. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s not a trick question, Tyrix. Do you know what it’s like to belong to another person?”
“No.” I sensed something momentous was coming.
“Well, it’s no fun. There’s no ‘happy’ in it.” She pressed a tense finger to the side of her head, her face flushed red. “I was here, the whole time, but none of this was mine.” She gestured down her body with an open hand. “From the neck down, I belonged to King Drakoe Garai of Pentorus, and he did as he pleased with me. I couldn’t stop him. If I fought, he hurt me twice as bad as he would have otherwise.” She clenched her fists. “I shut down. I don’t feel anything anymore. Do you understand me? I can’t be happy. I can’t be sad. I’m dead inside. He took it all away, and I’ll never get it back.”
I was tempted to say meaningless things: “I’ll help you put it behind you. Give yourself time. We’ll work through this together.” All of those statements were entirely true, but the raw pain in her words, on her face, stopped me from saying them aloud.
She’d put a name to her pain. I rubbed her back, knowing this was another milestone for her. “You’re the proudest, most independent woman I’ve ever known. I can’t imagine what you went through, but rest assured, you will never face anything like that again. You’re safe here with me. And I’m going to keep repeating it until you believe me.”
14: KYMBER
I don’t know why that one question caused such a violent reaction inside me. “Are you happy, Kymber?”
Happiness was something I was sure I’d never feel again, an emotion as distant and foreign to me as the twin moons that filled the night sky over Calari.
And suddenly, I knew. I had a sea of boiling rage inside me. It had kept me alive, but now it was threatening to drown me. It had become a barrier to the future.
Magnus had been in just as much pain as I was, for different reasons. There were things I could never tell him, of course, but he’d suffered too. Maybe we needed to talk about the past. Maybe we needed to dig deep.
Where to start though? What was bothering me the most?
It fell on me so suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I’d had my humanity stripped away. I was still me, in my head, during the time I’d spent in Pentorus, but I no longer had a say in my own life.
I ate only if someone cared enough to feed me. I bathed only when Garai couldn’t stand the smell. Clothing was given or taken away, a reward or a punishment.
I was living in a body that didn’t belong to me anymore. At that moment, the idea that one could be pulled from their life for another’s amusement seemed so absurd, it nearly brought my heart to a stop. And then it bubbled up from within, a trickle at first, ending in a flood.
To his credit, Magnus said nothing during my outburst. In truth, there was nothing he could have said. I needed to acknowledge my feelings.
I’d been nothing for eight years. Helpless. I’d learned to survive under impossible circumstances.
I was Kymber again. I mattered to someone. That someone wondered if I was happy.
Gods, this was going to take some getting used to.
15: MAGNUS
It took her a while to settle. “Are you going to be all right?” I asked, my arm firmly around her shoulders.
She took a deep breath after a long moment of silence. “I think I know what’s wrong with me.”
“Oh?”
“I don’t have to wonder where my next meal is coming from. I don’t have to be afraid that someone will pounce on me when I’m half-asleep. I have clothing. I sleep in a warm bed at night, and not with one eye open either. Real, restful sleep. I feel good in the morning. My feelings and thoughts matter to you. Or at least they seem to.”
“They do. And that sounds like stability to me.” I snuggled her against me. “Exactly what I’d hoped to give you.”
“Yes, but it feels like . . . like my feet are shifting under me. I can’t seem to find balance. I’ve lived with rage and hunger for so long, I don’t know how to make all this right in my head. I’m always a hair’s breadth away from rage, fearing you and Jarl and living at Seacrest will be a dream. That I’ll wake up and be back in my cage or the cave.” She shook her head against my chest. “I don’t know. Maybe I don’t deserve this. Maybe I don’t deserve you.”
Jarl had warned me about this. She was opening up, and as much as it unnerved me, I had to allow it to happen. In fact, Jarl had said I must help it happen.
“It’s the same for me,” I whispered in her ear. “Do
you know how many times I’ve stood outside your door at night, wanting to throw it open just to look at you? I’m terrified you won’t be there. I can’t lose you again, Kymber. I won’t survive a second time. I’ve been hollow since the day Tariq told me you were dead. We’re both . . . we have so much to work through. I love you. I don’t care if you can’t return that love, but you belong here with me.” I peered down at her. “Do you understand that?”
“I do.” She turned her gaze up to me. “Give me time. Just give me time.”
16: KYMBER
My outburst left me drained, a little embarrassed, and oddly cleansed. A gathering storm had swept over the landscape of my soul and cleared the air. I would’ve done it sooner, had I known it would bring such a tentative calm. This was the most settled I’d felt since we left the Blue Lantern Inn.
Yes, I was clear-headed and focused, at least for the moment. I tucked my arm in Magnus’s as we walked back up to the house. “Do you want to know the worst thing about those years?” I asked quietly, not sure I wanted to stir up the past, but feeling as though I should. Perhaps more importantly, I could.
“What’s that?”
“Not being able to read Garai’s moods.”
“Oh?”
“He seemed so normal sometimes. As though there were a decent man in there somewhere, trying to break free. It always threw me, but I came to fear him more when he was reasonable than when he became the monster.”
Magnus gave me an oblique look.
“Sometimes he’d actually talk to me as though I weren’t his prisoner. Usually at dinner. Still, I’d speak only if spoken to. I didn’t want to do anything to anger him, because . . . Well, the nights were long if he was angry.” I kicked up a puff of sand.
Magnus sighed. “Thinking of you in that man’s hands . . . the mistreatment you endured because of my brother . . . it drains me, Kymber.”
“Well, it drains me as well, but I think you’ll understand once I tell you.”
“Go on then. It’s hard to hear, but Jarl said it was important for you to find perspective.”
Perspective. How many times in my life would I have to readjust my perspective? Still, I nodded. “Maybe so. I’m doing what I can.”
“Good enough.”
We had cleared the top of the stairs in the cliff. The house was just beyond, safe and comfortable and warm, infusing me with courage.
“I was cautiously optimistic the first time Garai invited me to one of his dinners. He even sent two lady servants to bathe me and fix my hair. I have no idea where he got it, but he sent a lovely taffeta dress. Dark blue with light blue lace.” I laughed, wry, humorless. “And you know how I feel about dresses. Still, it was a kindness and I soaked it up. He’d never done anything like that before.”
Magnus and I made it to a small stone bench at the edge of the garden, overlooking the sea. He gripped my arms and sat me down upon it, taking a seat beside me.
It was a breezy day. I stared out at the roiling blue-green water and the white foam tips on the waves. So ordinary and so breathtaking. Certainly not a sight that should be taken for granted.
“Anyway.” I shifted to one side and gripped Magnus’s hands. “The ladies brought a mirror to my room when they were done dressing me. The difference was shocking. I wasn’t sure it was me in that mirror. I didn’t look as desperate as I felt. My eyes were not so dark and hollow. I remember smiling a little, just before the women took me to the dining hall. No chains. No shackles. I didn’t know what to make of it.” I eased out a slow breath.
“Well, there were two men sitting at the table when I got to the hall. Balfrin and Taylo. Friends of Garai’s from the Shadowlands. He introduced us and escorted me to my seat, but I couldn’t look at them. It was so ingrained in me by that time.”
“What was ingrained?” Magnus asked.
“Averting my eyes. Calling as little attention to myself as possible. The meal was served in due time. I ate as the men talked, actually enjoying the banter between them. My human contact was limited. Hearing another voice was like a gift to me.” I stared off into the distance, my chest tight.
“I prepared to go back to my room at the end of the meal, as the servants were cleaning up, but Garai pointed at me and said to his friends, ‘She’s yours for the night. Don’t hurt her too badly, or I’ll kill you both.’ And just like that, the nice dinner was over. Over. Until the sun came up the next morning.” Goosebumps rose on my arms. I gave a snort of derision. “I wasn’t taken back to the comfort of the room I’d been sleeping in. No, I was dragged back to the aviary and thrown into a cage. Like rubbish. I didn’t even have the strength to cry.”
Magnus went absolutely stiff, his breathing ragged. “I swear I am going to kill Garai. I am going to cut him into little bloody pieces and spread his fucking carcass from one end of this land to the other. What kind of an animal does that to a woman?”
I put my hand on his arm to keep him seated. “Listen, I didn’t tell you that to anger you. Do you understand now why stability frightens me? Garai delighted in lulling me into a false sense of security, then kicking my feet out from under me. The normal and harmless was anything but in Pentorus.”
Magnus growled and bared his teeth.
“I have worse stories. It took me a while to catch on to what he was doing. And now, when you’re kind, or Mrs. Toolwin sets a meal and wine on the table between us, so much food that I’m sure I must be dreaming. . . well, all I can do some days is lock myself away in my room. It’s complicated, but I’m asking you to give me wide sway when I disappear behind a locked door. I feel like I can get better, but some days are worse than others.”
He spoke through clenched teeth. “How can you speak of the things that happened to you as though you’re telling a campfire story? How do you do it, Kymber?”
“The same way you did when you thought I was dead. My mother used to say tomorrow is just one wish, one hope, one dream away from yesterday. It wasn’t so hard to bear if I could remember that.”
For two months, we did nothing but walk and eat. I gained weight and got stronger. My outlook improved with my health. The better I felt, the more positive I was about life.
Alas, my hand was not cooperating. Jarl was having mixed success. He was able to pry my fingers loose from the palm a bit, but not enough to grasp anything. Despite making an extra nightly effort with warm compresses at Seacrest, my hand opened no farther. I would likely never hold a sword again.
It was another beautiful, warm morning, but Magnus and I made the trip to Jarl’s office in silence. Once again, the physician did what he could, then leaned back and pressed his hands to his thighs, mumbling in frustration. “The fingers just aren’t responding anymore. I’m afraid that’s it.”
The disappointment on Magnus’s face was almost too much to bear.
I put my good hand on Magnus’s knee. “It doesn’t matter. I’m strong and healthy now. That’s something, isn’t it?”
Shoulders bunched, he threw my hand off and stalked to the window. “Yes, and it’s a big something, but I had so hoped we could retrieve Silverlight for you.”
“Getting it back means traveling to Pentorus. I’m not sure I could ever set foot in that place again. In any case, it was your idea.” Not quite the truth, but we were all looking for someone to blame at that point.
Magnus turned and threw his hands into the air. “I just . . . I wanted . . .”
“You wanted everything to go back to the way it was before I was taken. We both know that’s not possible.” I went to him and pressed a gentle hand against his back. “Nothing we do will change what happened to us. Can’t we make the choice to go forward from here?”
Jarl wiped his hands on the towel draped over his shoulder. “I apologize to both of you. I sincerely thought I could open that hand up enough to . . .” Eyes round as full moons, he stopped and tipped his head. “Wait a minute. Why can’t we . . .?” He rose and began to pace, one finger in the air. “If we can’t fit he
r hand around a sword grip, why can’t we fit a sword grip into her hand?”
“What?” said Magnus. “That makes no sense.”
“Oh, but it does. We’ll have Jorge the blacksmith make a grip that fits her. We‘ll have her make a fist around a soft ball of clay.”
“Why?” Magnus gripped his chin, staring at Jarl as though the physician had gone mad.
Jarl waved his hands in the air. “To get a mold. A cast of her hand. Something for Jorge to work with. Holding a sword will not be a problem for her. It’s getting one into her hand in the first place.” He looked so pleased with himself, I had to laugh. “We’ll circumvent the problem by having someone make a grip for her.”
“You might be on to something there, Aldi,” said Magnus. “Calvin Azim can make the blade.” He looked down at me. “I’ll wrap the grip with wool and soft leather, so it’s comfortable in your hand. Will you do it?”
“This idea has so many holes, it’s practically a sieve.” I laughed.
“It isn’t,” Jarl insisted. “We have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Say yes, Kymber. Say yes, and Magnus and I will move mountains for you.”
I inhaled, tempted to refuse, but there was no reason to say no. Jarl was right. My hand was strong enough to grip a sword, once it was firmly in place. Besides, their enthusiasm was infectious. “I think you’ve both lost your marbles, but yes. Yes, I’ll do it.”
They took a cast of my hand that very day. Magnus ran down the street to the potter and bought a damp lump of clay while Jarl worked to keep my hand loose. As they tried to stuff that ball of clay into a hand that barely opened, I laughed. I laughed at myself and Magnus and Jarl, a happy sound that lifted me up like the breeze beneath a kite.
Silverlight Page 8
