by Jill Cooper
Donovan. My heart wrenches. All our plans. Our future.
Still, as he races down the steps to see me, I can’t slow the pounding in my heart. I throw myself into his arms and he catches me, swinging me around. At least for a minute, a few seconds I have what every normal teenage girl wants.
Love, acceptance.
It doesn’t matter that we’re in the rain. That his wavy hair is going flat under the downpour, all that matters is that we’re together. I’m in his arms again.
The car behind me whizzes away and Donovan’s deep eyes search mine. “Are you alright?” He cups my face in his hands. Our lips finding each other are the only answer I need to give. It’s a soul-searching kiss, one we give ourselves over to completely.
Effortlessly.
I grip his jacket tightly as if I were let go, I might free fall into the abyss.
I don’t want to tell him our plan is off. It’ll kill me to disappoint him so I just nod, throw my arms around him, and never want to let him go. “I was pretty scared, but I’m alright. Don,” my voice is soft and I dread what’s coming next, “there’s something I need to—.”
“Lara?” Mom’s voice warbles as she runs down the stairs to greet me and Dad isn’t even two steps behind. We’re crushed like a jelly sandwich in their hug.
“Let’s get you in from the rain,” Dad says, ever my protector now that he’s out of prison. “Let’s get you inside and you call tell us all about it. If you want to, that is.”
“Sure.” I’m hesitant as I scan their faces. They’re all so expectant. Mom strokes my hair as we walk up the stairs. How upset I was, what they did to me, will kill her.
So when I step inside, I downplay it with a shrug. “Wasn’t so bad.” Minus the drugs. “They fit me with something to help stabilize my…headaches and it’ll monitor my vitals.”
Mom sighs and strokes my arms. “I know it’s not what you wanted. What any of us wanted, but maybe it won’t go as bad as you think. Maybe if we cooperate…”
“That’s not what you were saying a few hours ago,” Dad smirks.
Mom throws him a look. The type of look an annoyed wife gives her husband and I wonder what’s been going on. I’ve noticed them getting closer in the recent months, but is it real? Or is it just because of me? “I was worried about Lara. But maybe if we cooperate more, maybe they won’t shut us out so much.”
The government? Mom is delusional, but I can’t break her of that. Maybe right now that’s what she has to believe. So, I nod. “Maybe, Mom.”
“I’ll make some sandwiches before bed. You must be hungry.”
“I am. But tired. Do you mind if Donovan and I go upstairs? No funny business, I promise.”
Dad glances at Mom, ever reluctant about the boyfriend, but Mom nods. “Just don’t close the door.”
With a sigh of relief, I turn and then I see Jax standing in the shadows. His face relaxes, but his eyes are sad. I’m so happy to see him that I immediately hug him. Even though I have Dad back, I need Jax too. He raised me. When he hugs me, I feel as if I’ve gone home.
He kisses the top of my head. “I’m glad you’re back. I’m glad you’re okay.” Jax touches my chin and studies my eyes. “If you’re really okay.”
I blink to disrupt the soul-searching he’s doing. “Sure. Yeah. Just tired. Where are the twins?”
“Asleep. It’s late and we didn’t want to worry them. We just told them you got held up.”
“We’ll be quiet then. Are you…staying for dinner?” I try to keep my voice even and not to plead, but I really want him to stay around. This is his house. I want him to feel welcome in it too.
“I just stayed to make sure you were all right. I should go.” Jax grabs his keys from the end table he’s leaning on.
“I wish you didn’t have to.” I chew on the inside of my lip. “I really wish you could stay.”
“Maybe one day. Things are just…difficult enough.” Jax’s eyes are on the floor and he can’t even bring them up to look at me.
“Will you call me? Maybe we can go to lunch or something. If you’re still into eating and stuff like that.” I grimace at how needy and little I sound.
But it’s how I feel. Now that Jax and Mom are separated, I feel like he’ll just fade away one day. Maybe I’ll never see him again. Maybe he’ll forget…
Jax takes my hands. “Just because things are bad between your mom and me doesn’t mean—Lara, I’ll always love you. Be here for you. I don’t know if you remember what it was like when you were little. When I first married your mom.”
“I remember,” I whisper and it’s true. I don’t have all the memories, but I have a few. The feelings I have for him, the love, it’s the same as if he was my real dad.
“You were my first little girl and nothing is ever going to change that.” Jax’s voice trembles and I hug him.
I can’t keep myself from sobbing. I don’t want to be forgotten or lost and to hear that Jax still sees me as his, after everything he’s done—everything I’ve done—I just lose it. In that moment he is everything I need and I don’t want to let him go.
He holds me close and he squeezes his eyes shut. “I wish I was honest. I wish I had told you and your mom everything.”
“I wish it was enough for Mom. Maybe one day…” My voice is hopeful, but there’s no hope in Jax’s eyes as he gazes back toward the kitchen door. Inside Mom is with Dad. They’re making sandwiches, it’s almost like they’re family.
“I was selfish,” Jax admits. “And stupid. So stupid. I always knew that John and your Mom…well,” Jax's face falls and I know he thinks he was always playing second place. Mom was settling for him, but that’s not how I ever saw it. That’s not how we felt about him. I just wish I could tell him. “Have a good night. I’ll call you soon for lunch.”
“And fro-yo.”
Jax laughs and shakes his head. I watch him leave and Donovan steps up and takes my hand. I gaze up at him and softly he kisses my lips. I don’t say anything. I don’t have to as we take the stairs to my room.
Once inside he closes the door. “What aren’t you telling us?”
I sit down on the bed and twist my fingers together. “It’s over, Don. All our plans. All our dreams for our future…” My voice fades as he sits beside me. His arm is on my shoulder, but I can’t bear to look at him. “They fitted me with a tracker like a stray dog. They’ll always know where we are.”
Our eyes meet and the realization of my words hit him. Donovan’s shoulders slouch and hopelessness rolls across his face.
“We can’t leave,” I whisper and our hands cling to each other. “Everything we talked about, everything we wanted…”
“We’ll find a way.” Donovan’s voice is recharged with resolve.
He’s dreaming. I shake my head. “Don, it’s not going to work. They’ll find us and then we’ll be in worse trouble.”
Donovan goes down in front of me and grips my arms. “We’ll find a way. I don’t care if it takes us days, weeks, we’ll figure it out. I’m not going to let you stay here and be their pawn. Do you get me, Montgomery?”
Tears fill my eyes and I bite my lip. “It all sounds good, but maybe it’s not going to work. Maybe you and I—.”
“Don’t say it.” Donovan scolds with narrowing of eyes. “You and I are in this until the end. I don’t care if we have to scrape, claw, and drag our way through this. We’re doing it. Together.”
His words crumble my heart. I slide my weight down into his lap. His arm cradles around my shoulders while his other hooks around my knees, pulling me close in a tight embrace. We start kissing as if we might never stop.
Breath rushed, passion flaming, our love is the only thing grounding me. What we’ll do tomorrow or the next day, I don’t know. But for right now, I have him.
And that’s enough. Right now, that’s enough.
****
After sandwiches, Donovan leaves.
I change into my cozy pajamas and head downstairs to say
good night. I watch from the stairs as Mom says her goodbyes to Dad. They’re cozy, close as they say farewell, but I don’t see any overt signs of affection.
She closes the door after him and rests her palm against it, as if she can still feel him. I step closer and cross my arms. “Is there something going on between you and Dad I should know about?”
“What?” Mom turns with a laugh. “Oh, Lara…”
I shrug. “Just curious. You guys have been…well, close.”
“He was my husband once. Besides, we have you.” Mom strokes my cheek and I feel her love for me. “There’s a lot to talk about.”
I guess so, but I feel bitter and weird. When I first changed time, I wanted nothing more than for Mom and Dad to be a couple. To get back together, but now? Everything that’s happened and how I feel about Jax, it’s not as simple as it once was.
Life is complicated.
“Thanks for at least letting Jax in to wait for me.” I don’t mean to sound so spiteful, but my words come out as if I’m a biting piranha.
Mom raises an eyebrow. “Is that what this is about? Jax?”
I’m exhausted and running on fumes, but I clench my jaw anyway. “He loves us. You. I need him.”
Her eyes soften. “Oh, Lara.”
“It’s true. You married Jax, but he was mine too. And then you just threw him out. You found out what he did and you got rid of him, without asking anyone how they felt about it.” My chin quivers. “Without asking me.”
“I’m sorry, honey.” Mom’s voice is soft. She’s telling the truth. “I should have considered your feelings. I just didn’t think—with your father out of jail…”
I sigh and struggle with my anger. Not at Mom, but at everything. Rewind. Not being able to run away with Donovan. Maybe I should just be happy that I don’t have to worry about time travel anymore, but I’m not.
I’m a lab rat.
“Yeah, I get it. Dad being out and back is great, but Jax is my dad too. And it’s not fair. Jax and I shouldn’t have to get divorced just because you’re going to.”
Mom nods. “You’re right. Absolutely right. I’ll make sure I call him first thing and we’ll get it squared away.”
She never agrees with me this easily, but I’ll take the win. “In the virtual reality, you and Jax got passed it. You made up.”
“That wasn’t real honey.” Mom strokes my hair. “It was just a fantasy.”
A fantasy. I know all that, but it kills me anyway. “He’s Mike and Molly’s Dad. Don’t shut him out. Don’t do to them what you did to me.” I shouldn’t have said it, but I did. It slipped out and I’m so ashamed. So sorry, that I cover my mouth.
I don’t know what to say to take it back. Don’t think I can.
Can’t even go back and fix it anymore.
Mom’s mouth falls open. “I know you’re going through this horrible thing, Lara that no one can understand, but that doesn’t give you the right to talk to me that way. I thought I was doing the right thing by you. I thought your father—.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.” My lip quivers. “I’m so sorry.”
Her eyes are still hurt, but her face softens as she strokes my cheek. “Oh, baby. I know. It’s alright. You’ve been through so much.”
But it doesn’t change what I said. Doesn’t take away her pain. An apology can’t fix broken, if it did, my life would have been put back together a long time ago.
Mom hugs me and sees me to my room. “I’ll be here tonight if you need me.”
She’s talking about my headaches, my nightmares. Or night terrors as the shrink call them. We kiss goodnight and I feel like a heel for what I’ve done. What I’ve said. Emotions were bubbling to the surface I thought I’d dealt with a long time ago.
Sighing, I throw myself down on the bed, but I’m too wound up to sleep. Rolling over on my pillow, I stare past my nightstand and out the window. The stars twinkle like little beads in the night sky. It’s comforting to feel as if there’s a plan in the universe, as if someone out there cares.
That somehow everything that is happening to me has a reason, a purpose.
But is there a plan? Or is chaos and chance going to rule my life forever?
****
With time, I drift into a restless sleep.
I know it’s a dream, but it claims my heart. I’m back at Rewind.
I’m back in the cage, alone. The orderlies and guards are gone. I swing my legs over the side of the cot like bed and walk toward the door. It swings open even before I touch it.
“Hello?” Gingerly I step outside the cage. I expect the alarms to sound, but they don’t. So I continue my trek through the room and out into the hallway. Through the corridor, I see Rex.
He’s walking away and I sprint to catch up to him. “Rex, wait!” Wide-eyed horror is on his face as he glances back at me and his steps speed up, but I corner him as we reach the elevator.
“Stay back!” Rex spreads his arms wide as if to warn me off.
“I just want to…” I don’t know what I want to do, or why I want to talk to him at all.
Blood trickles down his forehead. His fingers wipe it away as it reaches his eyes. “Oh that’s right,” his British voice drones on, “you killed me.”
“I…you left me no choice.”
“Really? I made you pull the trigger?” Rex’s eyes narrow.
“You were never going to let me go,” I whisper and with a clap of thunder he’s gone and my vision darkens, until it is broken. Dissolves into pixels and the room floats. It is as if I’m trapped in a kaleidoscope, everything around me spins. Colors meet and slowly things snap into place.
A desk. Then two. A few swivel chairs. And then they are filled with bodies.
The name plate on the desk says it belongs to Detective Mahoney. A police station. But everything around me looks different. Out the window, I can see the Boston skyline, but there are too many skyscrapers. , It’s not right.
Everything about this place is wrong. There are no laptops or computers at the desks. Instead, images and displays float in mid-air. The information just materializes as if it’s a hologram. It’s almost as if I’m in the future.
No longer in my pajamas, I’m dressed casually in a pair of skinny jeans and boots. Hands materialize on my arms, squeezing me as if they fear I’ll try to escape. Suddenly, as if someone has flipped a switch, sunlight shines through the windows.
Everything comes to life around me; it’s as if it’s a play after the director has screamed action. Detective Mahoney slides his chair back and stands to greet me. “Tell us your name and we can look you up. See who you are. Read your past and let you go.”
I shake my head and refuse to tell him my name. Why doesn’t he know who I am? Has he been living in a bubble this whole time?
Mahoney squeezes his lips together. “Take her to holding then. Until she talks, she’s not going anywhere.”
“You’re making a mistake,” I say it even though I don’t understand why. I don’t know what’s going on, but part of me seems to understand. Dreams are like that sometimes.
The police officer behind me shoves me down the hall. On the wall, the news feed scrolls by in thin air. It displays the date in the corner and vomit rises in my throat.
It’s seventy years in the future.
I snap awake in the throes of a migraine. My neck is stiff and my temples throb. My forehead is wet with sweat and my vision is impaired by flashes of light. Grunting I crawl from bed and land on the floor. I pull myself along the carpet, but the pain grows more intense with each passing second. If I could just get to some pain medicine,
“Mom,” I croak out and I must have screamed louder than I thought because she’s there, rolling me over into her arms.
“Sweetheart, you okay?” Mom strokes my hair and puts her palm against my cheek to check for a fever. “You’re burning up. Lara, what happened?”
I don’t say what I think happened because it was just a dream. Just a stressed-out dream. The
alternative is too big, too raw.
5: Present: Lara
The morning brings breakfast and I can’t bring myself to eat much, except toast with jam. Mom loads up my coffee with cream and sugar just the way I like it. The headache is gone, everything is back to normal, and I’m crushed by the twins. They each try to sit on my lap at the same time.
It’s getting harder because they keep getting bigger. Growing up. Just the way they are supposed to. I’m happy for the distraction of their hugs and kisses. I love them. Part of me is happy I won’t be leaving them, but another part of me is sinking because I don’t know what the future will bring.
Over breakfast, we color. “I love pretty pinks in my rainbows,” Molly says and the sweetness of her voices lights me up. I stroke back her hair and kiss her cheek.
“I like ninja turtles. I’m giving this one a sword.” Mike says with a deep scowl as he concentrates. It’s hard work.
“That’s a ripped looking turtle.”
Molly scowls. “Ninjas aren’t supposed to use swords.”
“Sure they can,” Mike argues.
“They’re supposed to use those shooting star things.” Molly’s lips draw together in anger.
Mike rolls his eyes. “They have swords too, Molly!”
I can tell by the look on their faces it’s about to heat up.
Mom intervenes by handing them their backpacks. “You’ll be late for the bus, kids. You can work on these tonight with Lara. Okay?”
“Okaaay.” Their little voices drone on. I kiss each of their cheeks and ruffle their hair.
Mom sees them to the bus stop and I busy myself with taking the plates to the dishwasher. Once it’s loaded, I drain my coffee mug and stick it on the top rack. The small television in the kitchen is on but muted. Just the news. Something about a building fire downtown. An electrical problem.
I need a distraction, but that’s not the one I’m looking for.
After a few minutes, I head into the living room and collect my things. When Mom comes back in, I’m relieved to see her. “Kids get on the bus okay?”
Mom nods. “They’ll be fine. I’m going to pick them up today after school. I talked to Jax this morning and he said if you’re free, he’s going to take you for some fro-yo. If you want to go.”
