by Sharon Owens
‘Ah, now, Mary, I never heard such a tale,’ said Louise, in a voice that was tinged with fear.
‘I’m telling you, Lou, it’s the gospel truth. She told him that your left eyeball was lying in a jar of mint imperials for two days. And that’s why he never asked you out. That kind of thing gives him the creeps.’ Mary pored over the confectionery display beneath the glass counter. ‘Here, go on, give us a couple of those jelly frogs, Louise. No, not them wee ones – the big ones covered in icing sugar.’
‘But it doesn’t make any sense. My own eye? It falls right into a jar of sweets, and I don’t even notice?’ Louise couldn’t take it all in.
‘Yes,’ said Mary wearily. ‘The frogs?’
Louise passed them over. One red, one yellow.
‘How could I not notice a thing like that?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe you can’t actually feel a glass eye?’ Mary began to lick the icing sugar off the red frog.
‘Wouldn’t I still have the other eye to see with, though? Oh, you couldn’t lose a glass eye and not notice. Why would Alex believe a yarn like that? He must be completely brainless.’
‘I wouldn’t know about that. He’s as smart as any other man in this city, I’m sure. I’m only telling you what I heard.’
‘Who told you? I want names.’ Louise took a frog herself and held it up to the light. ‘You can see through the green ones, Mary.’
‘His mate told me. The fella who bounces with him in the ballroom. I don’t know his surname but they call him Jim. Sunny Jim, to be precise. I asked him, straight out. I said, “Why doesn’t Alex ask my pal, Louise, from the newsagent’s, on a date? She likes him, and he knows it.”’
‘That’s just great! Talk about desperate.’ Louise bit the head off her jelly frog, and sat down heavily on the battered wooden stool behind the counter. Mary checked to see that the boss wasn’t around before hopping up on the counter, and reaching for another sweet.
‘Sure, what’s the harm in asking? Don’t you walk past him a hundred times a night, when you’re in Hogan’s? Nobody goes to the toilet that often. Not even with a bladder infection. He’s shy, Louise.’
‘Is he? He’s a bit too big to be shy, I’d have thought. And a bit too old.’
‘Well, he is. All kinds of people are shy. Look, never mind about that. Jim told me that Alex did notice you flaunting yourself before him, and he was going to ask you out, but then Kate Winters put the word out that you had an artificial eye.’
‘The interfering, evil little –’
‘And then he said that was the end of it. He wouldn’t want a girlfriend with her vital organs rolling all over the street.’
‘I’ll swing for that Kate Winters, the rotten liar! Who does she think she is, going around telling barefaced lies about innocent people? Poor Alex must have been terribly shocked.’
‘Are you going to let her get away with this, Louise? Are you going to give her a good dig in the beak? That’s what I’d do, if I was you. Or tell him something rotten about her? Tell him she’s got early onset osteoporosis, and can’t have any bedroom-business.’
‘I don’t know, Mary. I’ll bide my time, and think it over. I need to gather some information. See if he’s really interested in her before I do anything stupid. Maybe he’ll realize it’s all lies, and ask me out after all. I don’t want to lose my dignity.’ Louise looked thoughtful as she dug a piece of jelly out of her back molar with a sherbet wand.
‘God forbid,’ said Mary gravely.
‘Are you free tonight?’
‘I guess so. I’ve no particular plans. Can I have a sugar mouse?’
‘As long as the boss doesn’t see me giving away the profits. He’s due back any minute. Here. Why don’t you go mad and buy a quarter of jelly beans? Or even a 10p mix-up?’
‘All right, all right. So, are we going to the ballroom, or what?’
‘Yes, we are. We’ll get done up like a couple of film stars, and go in there as if we hadn’t a care in the world. We’ll not even speak to Alex. Men don’t like to feel cornered.’
‘Especially by women with glass eyes.’
‘That’s not funny, Mary. I’ll dazzle him with my outfit. Something classy, mind. Nothing too common. Let’s look through the magazines for some ideas.’
‘Kate Winters had three-quarters of her bust on show last week, Jim said, like a prize marrow on a shelf. All covered in glitter it was, and her make-up was a real trowel job. I wish we’d been there to see it.’ Unfortunately, Mary and Louise didn’t always have the funds for a night out in Hogan’s.
‘Well, now! That’s pathetic. Everyone knows men prefer women to have natural beauty.’ Louise was adamant about that.
‘And he said Shirley was like a bag of laundry. Some old rag with embroidery unravelling on the sleeves. Eyes like a panda, he said. No doubt it’s a cool fashion thing.’
‘Pretentious, you mean. She loves herself. They both do.’
‘Kate loves herself. But Shirley’s okay. Nothing like Kate. Just a bit eccentric.’
‘Whatever. Did they get any men, I wonder?’
‘No. Jim said they left on their own.’
‘Ha! Let us examine the evidence, Mary, my dear. Tatty clothes and too much eyeliner equals cool. Cool scares the boys away. Right? A cleavage bared and covered in glitter equals sexy. But that doesn’t work, either. Too sexy scares the boys away. Okay… We need something in between. Attractive, yet approachable. Yes?’
The two girls sat in silence for a while, sucking on raspberry lollies. They flicked through the pages of a fashion magazine. There did seem to be a lot of cleavage on display nowadays. Louise reached behind her for some chocolate raisins and caught sight of the jar of mint imperials sitting on a high shelf. Old-fashioned sweets. Only pensioners ever asked for them. The jar itself seemed to mock her, filled to the top with its miniature, minty eyes.
5. The Ballroom
Kate gave her cleavage another dusting of glitter, noting that the pot was nearly empty. Even though it was the height of summer, Shirley thought her sister’s pale, sparkling bust resembled solid ice. She hoped Alex was fond of icy things. Shirley went to Kate’s bedroom window, parted the white muslin swags, and looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful colour. The definitive shade of midnight blue, soft as chalk, and dotted with the hard whiteness of faraway stars. The moon seemed to pulse with a ghostly brightness.
‘There’s a full moon tonight. I’m sure that’s a good sign. A clear sky. Plenty of stars. It’s the kind of night when two people might fall in love.’
‘Is the car here yet?’ asked Kate.
‘It’s just turning the corner,’ said Shirley, all ready in her fake-fur jacket and velvet gloves. ‘Come on. Let’s get this over with.’
Minutes later, they saw the lights of Hogan’s shining through the darkness. A small queue was building up but they wouldn’t have to wait too long. The taxicab pulled up to the pavement outside the concrete edifice that was Hogan’s ballroom. Kate and Shirley clambered out, and Kate paid the driver while Shirley twisted her pewter-coloured bracelets round and round her wrist, in bitter-sweet anticipation of the night ahead. Would Declan Greenwood be there tonight? (Hopefully, he hadn’t noticed that embarrassing scene in the record shop earlier.) Would they gaze into each other’s eyes, in the romantic haven that was the hot-food bar, as they both reached for the red sauce? (Still poured into plastic tomatoes, by popular demand.) Would he rush to protect her if a vicious scuffle broke out in the parking lot? Occasionally, things turned nasty in the queue for taxis. Maybe he would offer her his handkerchief when some gorilla spilt a pint down her back for a laugh?
Declan didn’t grace Hogan’s disco with his presence very often, as he dressed exclusively in army surplus, and the bouncers didn’t think much of it. It was provocative and dangerous, they told him, given the tinderbox nature of the security situation. Granted, it was mostly Second World War overcoats (Allies, various) and sturdy marching boots that he wore; not e
xactly British army modern-day camouflage. But still. The bouncers in Hogan’s ran a tight ship, and they didn’t like army surplus, Celtic and Rangers football strips, or anything which might cause offence to anyone. (Three men ended up in hospital the night some wise guy wore a T-shirt to commemorate the visit of Pope John Paul II to Dublin.) And after that, Johnny warned the staff to be ruthless with the dress policy. Not because they couldn’t handle themselves in a brawl. They certainly could, and enjoyed nothing more than a no-holds-barred melee on a Saturday night. But Johnny didn’t like fights taking place on the premises, and Johnny was the big boss man, after all.
Kate and Shirley could see him now, in the foyer, chatting to some pretty girls. He was telling them a story of some kind, and waving his cigarette in the air, doing all the actions. The girls were in raptures. Shirley thought Johnny Hogan was quite attractive, for an older man. There was something about him that reminded her of Declan. Maybe she just noticed some men, the ones with dark brown eyes and very high cheekbones, more than others.
Kate dragged her sister into the ladies’ toilets to do a last-minute make-up check and adjusted her black leather dress, smoothing out any wrinkles that had been occasioned by the taxi ride. Shirley gave her short bob a final press with her palms. It stuck to the sides of her face like a wet cloth. Both girls shivered in the stone-cold room. It was horribly chilly now, but the arctic atmosphere would be most welcome later on when the dancing crowds had driven the temperature in the ballroom up over thirty degrees.
‘Did you see Hollywood Hogan, flirting with those stupid girls?’ asked Kate, as she applied another layer of blue mascara. ‘He’s twice their age.’
‘He’s still pretty attractive, I suppose. Are you ready now, Kate? If you put on any more make-up, you’ll need scaffolding round your chin.’
‘I’m ready.’ Kate zipped up her bag, and took a deep breath. ‘Men of Belfast, here I come!’
‘Hasn’t Belfast suffered enough?’
‘Oh, give over, you! Anyway, Alex is my man of the moment. Come on!’
They went out to the foyer again and the music wrapped itself around them as they made their way across the blue carpet to the ballroom proper. People were arriving in groups of five and six. Some girls were already dancing at the edges of the polished wooden floor.
‘Hope we get good seats,’ said Shirley. ‘Looks like a fair crowd in, the night.’
‘Yeah. I must go and chat with Alex for a minute or two.’
‘Don’t abandon me too soon, Kate, will you? Your current record is seven minutes, I think.’
‘Come on, Shirley! I won’t! I told you, Alex is my number-one target this evening, and he’s going nowhere until the end of the night.’
They hurried into the ballroom, Kate leading the way.
Louise and Mary joined the back of the queue, and slowly edged their way towards the main entrance. Louise was outraged that Alex had not saluted her through the glass as she waited impatiently outside on the pavement. She knew that he must have seen her standing there. Her hairdo had doubled in size, thanks to a whole tin of expensive spray. She was wearing three necklaces and four different shades of eyeshadow. It was petty of him to ignore her like this.
She was consumed with the glass-eye story, and the consequences it might have for her romantic ambitions. She was convinced that Alex Stone was her soulmate and the true love of her life, and was determined to win him away from Kate Winters and her glittery bosoms, at any cost. No matter what she had to do to achieve that result, she was prepared to do it.
‘The dirty rascal hasn’t even looked at me yet,’ she muttered, as Alex whispered something in Jim’s ear and the two of them laughed so much they had to wipe their eyes. ‘What the hell is so amusing, I’d like to know?’
Mary gave her friend a little rub on the arm, for moral support. It was all very exciting. Even though Standing Stone was very good-looking, he could hardly be described as sexy. In fact, Mary thought he looked slightly camp – something about the way he held his cigarette up above his shoulder? Far too graceful for a so-called body-builder. The bouncers took up their usual spot along the back wall of the ballroom, just as Louise and Mary paid their entrance fee and made their way, as quickly as dignity would allow, to claim good seats. The DJ was playing ‘Too Shy’ by Kajagoogoo. Louise felt a rush of sympathy for her sensitive bouncer-love.
Sunny Jim waved at them as they made their way to a booth with high sides near the dance floor. Situated on a carpeted area and decorated with several tall, plastic palm trees, it gave them great privacy, while still providing an excellent view of the dancing area. The ballroom was slightly cold, and Louise shivered beautifully when she took off her jacket, her bosoms wobbling gently in a low-cut top with a graffiti pattern on it. She made a great show of settling herself into the seat, so that Alex would notice her. She flicked her freshly styled hair several times. The spotlights bounced off her tanned skin and her white top, and her blonde hair. Alex smiled over at them. He seemed pleased with what he saw.
‘I’ll go to the bar,’ said Mary. ‘Two pints of lager, is it?’
‘Excuse me! I’ll go to the bar,’ said Louise. ‘And we’re having glasses of white wine. Ladylike, we are, tonight. Have you no sense of style?’
‘Fair enough, Louise. You have wine. But I don’t like wine. It makes me burp. I want a pint.’
‘Shush. You just can’t be seen sinking a pint. Right? I don’t want him thinking I associate with savages. Is he watching?’
‘I’ll see.’
‘Mary, careful! Don’t let him catch you looking, now.’
‘He’s not looking.’ Mary was peering through her fingers, as she rested one arm on the table. ‘Still not looking. Still not looking. He’s looking now!’
‘Right, I’m off.’ Louise stood up, picked up her handbag and walked gracefully towards the bar. Mary kept watch. Louise would want to know if her journey to the bar had been noted. It had.
Just as Louise returned with the drinks, both girls saw Kate and Shirley Winters approach Alex and Jim. Louise held her breath but the sisters didn’t get a chance to talk to Alex as a large crowd swept into the ballroom, and they had to retreat across the dance floor. Kate was the exact opposite of Louise in colouring, with pale skin and dark hair, and wearing a short black dress. The glitter that Mary had reported was also out in force. It caught the light and a thousand tiny spots of blue and silver danced on the cleavage of Katherine Winters. Louise had to admit, the effect was rather fetching. She inhaled deeply, and she could see her own tanned bosoms swell up to within two inches of her chin. The first four buttons on the white top had been left undone. The battle of the bosoms had commenced.
Alex nudged Jim and they both winked at Kate. Kate waved back and pointed to one eye, in a meaningful gesture that made Louise gasp.
‘Don’t hold me back, Mary, if I lose my temper,’ snarled Louise, through gritted teeth. ‘I’ll tear that lying little tart limb from limb!’
‘Steady on, Lou. Just sit tight, now. Sit tight.’
The seats were filling up. The record changed to ‘Only You’ by Yazoo. DJ Toni’s rasping whisper came crawling through the loudspeakers on its belly.
‘Yazoo! She’s a big lass, that Alison Moyet. Oh, but what a voice, the voice of an angel. “Only You”, ladies and gentlemen.’
Kate saw Louise and Mary sitting near the dance floor, and guided Shirley to the other side of the hall. Kate’s face was hard to read but she had a defiant look about her. Shirley looked preoccupied, swinging a small purse on a chain, and biting her bottom lip hard.
Kate and Shirley made a couple of laps of the ballroom, talking briefly to anyone they knew, before finding vacant seats at the back of the hall, near the food bar. It wasn’t ideal, what with the aroma of beefburgers drifting across to them, but it was either that or stand all night. They’d lost their good seats a few minutes earlier when they’d tried to get chatting to Alex. They settled themselves in and decided to make
the most of it. Kate knew she was looking fantastic, and she felt absolutely ready to take on all love rivals. But first, a little liquid courage must be purchased. She nudged her sister towards the bar. Shirley looked almost bored as she set off across the carpet, in a long yellow dress and matching headband. She wore a black velvet choker and three long black necklaces, as well as several bracelets on each wrist. Combined with the yellow gloves and the fake-fur coat, it was quite a striking look. The entire ensemble had been an impulse-buy from a new charity shop, and she was beginning to think yellow wasn’t really her colour. It didn’t help when she saw Louise and Mary laughing at her from across the floor.
‘My God, but Shirley’s like a giant bumblebee,’ observed Louise with huge satisfaction. ‘She didn’t get that little outfit in any normal boutique!’
Mary, watching Shirley rooting through her tiny handbag at the bar, began to feel some sympathy for Kate’s younger sister. This couldn’t be a lot of fun for her, either. Could this night really end up in a no-holds-barred cat-fight between Kate and Louise? For the first time, Mary began to feel uneasy about Louise’s obsession with Alex Stone. Maybe she could talk Louise back to some kind of normality, and end this feud with Kate at the same time? She decided to bring up the delicate subject of Alex’s inheritance. A rumour was going round the ballroom that he was about to come into money.
‘Louise, are you sure that Alex has a rich uncle? I never knew he was well connected. And if he is in line for a big inheritance, why is he holding up the wall in Hogan’s, and not working in the jewellery shops, learning the business?’
‘Because. I don’t know why. Does it matter?’
‘Well, I think it matters. I think he’s making it up. Aren’t you even a bit curious? How old is he? Twenty-nine? Thirty? Why isn’t he married already if he’s such a great catch?’
‘That’s it, Mary. You’re a genius! He’s hiding his wealth until he finds the right woman. He doesn’t want to be killed in the rush of greedy little gold-diggers like that Kate Winters. I wondered why she was interested in Alex, all of a sudden. Now I know. She must have heard the rumour too. The hungry eye sees far and all that. Keep a watch on my drink. I’m going up to the DJ.’
