The Bastard Takes a Wife

by Lindy Dale

  “Yes, it is. Now, scoot,” Mel replied, pushing him towards the open door. “And make sure you get the right size.”

  “But I don’t know what size she is.”

  “You’ll figure it out.”

  After closing the door Mel turned back to us. “Now, anything else we need to sort before we get down to having a good night? Honestly, you people couldn’t organise your way out of a fucking wet paper bag.”

  “Thanks Mel,” I said.

  “That’s what bridesmaids are for.”

  Though the way she’d bossed Sam around and he’d obeyed I couldn’t help but think that maybe she should be marrying him. Only for a second.

  About ten minutes later, I was sitting in my seat on the balcony of the box, feet up on the seat in front, a plate of food balancing on my knees when Sam returned. He was carrying a large blue and white plastic bag, which he tossed in my general direction, knocking the plate flying and slopping coleslaw all over my new heels.

  “Don’t say I never do anything for you,” he muttered, taking the steps back into the Box in one stride.

  Oh for Pete’s sake, what the hell was wrong with him? I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. I flipped a few bits of stray cabbage and carrot to the ground. I licked my finger and rubbed a bit at the stain but that only made it bigger. It was lucky Sam had bought me a new shirt. I was wearing my dinner over this one. Enough was enough.

  Swiping the bag from off the ground, I got up and stepping over the broken pieces of china, headed in Sam’s direction. He’d gone inside to the bar, where Rambo and Johnny were deep in a conversation about whether or not the Hornets would win the Premiership again that year.

  I poked him in the arm. “I need to talk to you. NOW.”

  Sam turned and looked down at me. His face was angry. How long was he going to keep this up for? I took his elbow, pulling him outside the door of the box. Yes, the wall was made of glass and everyone could see us, but at least they wouldn’t be able to hear us. They might see me strangle him, though. I felt like I wanted to.

  “What the hell is your deal?” I yelled, indicating my stained top and coleslaw-covered shoes.

  “Sorry.”

  “Sorry? That’s it? You’ve been treating me like I don’t exist for the last three days and all you can say is sorry? God, Sam. If you don’t want to get married tell me now. I’ve had it up to here.” I flung my hand into the air. The massive rock Sam had bought me caught him on the bridge of the nose. Blood began to trickle from his nostril.

  “Oh shit, oh shit. Fuck.”

  That was the catalyst. Every tear that I’d been trying valiantly to control over the past few weeks came pouring out. It was like the drought had broken, filled the dam and then overflowed. I couldn’t stop. I cried and cried and in front of me, Sam just stood staring with blood running from his nose. His eyes misted over and his lip was wobbling. Was he going to cry too? That was all I needed. I fished in my bag for a tissue and handed it to him. He scrunched it up and wiped the blood away before tearing a piece off shoving it up his nose.

  Taking a step forward Sam pulled me into his arms. “Don’t cry, Mill’, please.”

  “But it was an accident. I didn’t mean to hit you. Oh shit.”

  “Shhh. It’s okay.”

  I felt the big lump of sadness begin to melt as he held me. This was where I belonged. This was the reason why I wanted to marry Sam. I could feel his love bolstering me up right down to my salad-stained shoes.

  “I didn’t do anything, I swear,” I whispered into his chest.

  Sam sighed and hugged me harder. It was like he didn’t want to let me go. “I s’pose I knew that. I got caught up in everything, that’s all. We had a fight and the first thing you did was go racing to Josh. I was so jealous, I wanted to punch him in the head. And when Amanda said you were ‘pashing in public like a couple of bogans,’ I didn’t know what to believe.”

  It must’ve taken her approximately three seconds to get on to the phone and let Sam know she’d seen me. Cow.

  “Charming.”

  “You’ve got to admit, it’s not the first time. I think I had a bit of a right to be concerned.”

  “Did she also tell you I had the children with me? Seriously? You think I’d be carrying on some type of affair with Paige watching? It’d be like taking out an ad in The West Australian.”

  I felt Sam’s fingers relaxing into my back. He was beginning to come round, to understand that I wasn’t the villain in this movie.

  “She didn’t.”

  I could have taken that further, but decided to let it rest. Sam’s family’s distaste for me was something we’d have to tackle later. Right now, I need to convince him I wasn’t shagging Josh on the side.

  “Look, I needed to vent,” I explained. “Everyone was busy. Josh was the only person left. Either him or Johnny and I sort of got the feeling you’d be a lot angrier if it was him. All I wanted was someone to talk to.”

  “So, apart from that massive cake you ordered, what else’s wrong?”

  “This whole wedding is a disaster. It’s nothing like we wanted. That got lost after your mother invited Today Tonight to follow me round for a day like I’m Princess Mary.”

  Sam gave a small grin. He seemed to soften, as if hearing about my problems out loud was making him understand what it had been like for me. He rubbed my back. “That was a bit over the top.”

  “You reckon? This wedding isn’t fun, Sam. I wanted it to be a time for us to remember because we enjoyed it, not because we were fighting every second. The pressure is making me sick and I never get sick.”

  Sam frowned.

  “What Amanda saw was me kissing Josh’s cheek, like I’ve done a million times. We have a history. I’ve known him since I was four but I don’t want to marry him. I want to marry you. You know that.”

  “I s’pose so.”

  “Please don’t make more of this than there has to be,” I said, snuggling against him.

  “I was being a bit stupid.”

  “And about the cake…. I’m sorry.”

  “I deserved it. I haven’t been much help, have I?”

  Wow, who was this humble creature? It was like he was listening to what I was saying. For the first time in months, I was more important than Nathan Sharpe’s upcoming farewell match. I stared past the swelling on his nose and up into his eyes. He was being so sweet.

  “I could have done more. I’m so sorry I dumped this on you Mill’. And I shouldn’t have left my mother to you. It wasn’t fair.”

  My eyebrows shot to the top of my head. Was that an apology? Oh my God, the ‘s’ word had just come out of Sam’s mouth.

  He must have sensed the change in my body because he continued, “And yes, that was an apology. And don’t you go telling all and sundry or my reputation’ll be ruined.”

  He hugged me for what seemed like hours then, at last, he pulled away with a kiss to both of my eyelids.

  “So, we’re okay?” I asked.

  “Yep, as long as you stop this ridiculous ordering of over the top things. Right now.”

  “You’ll back me when your mother starts hounding again? You know she will.”

  Sam paused, putting a finger to his lips in a mock thinking pose. “Hmm. I guess so. On one condition.”

  “What?”

  “That you run through Hyde Park with me in your knickers after the wedding.”

  God. I was never going to live that down.

  He pulled away from me. Inside the box, the girls were whooping and cheering. The boys, of course, had given up on the entertainment and were back to the task of drinking as much of the free booze as possible before the game started.

  Sam picked up the plastic bag with my Western Force jersey in it. “The game starts in about five minutes,” he grinned. “That should give you enough time to race to the loo and put this on.”

  “Ta,” I said. I opened the glass door, walked through the box and promptly tripped down the stairs.r />
  Chapter 15

  I got back to the box in double time, I think it was the quickest I’d ever gotten changed in my entire life but I was so happy now that Sam and I were back on track that I don’t even remember whipping off my dirty top, shoving it into the bag and putting on my new Force jersey. The only thing I remember thinking as I walked back up the stairs to the box was that Sam must know more about me than I realised. The shirt was a perfect fit.

  I turned to knob on the door to the box and entered. The mood had lifted and everyone was laughing and joking. It was as if everyone seeing Sam and I making up through the glass of the viewing window had changed the group dynamics. They were being so nice to each other.

  As I reached the spot where Sam was standing and edged into my place beside him, he looked down at me and smiled.

  “Nice shirt. We’ll make a rugby girl out of you yet.”

  I looked down at the jersey, doing a little Kirby twirl so he could admire it some more. “How’d you know my size?”

  “When I got to the Merch’ stand there were two chicks serving so I gave them the old ‘girlfriend test’ while I was waiting.”

  “The what?” I could tell by that cheeky glint in Sam’s eye that I didn’t want to hear this. But it was too late to take back the question now I’d asked.

  “You put your hands up like this.” His hands rose in two claw-like shapes as if he was pretending to growl or something. “Then I measured them against the size of each of the girls tits.”

  Seeing my blank look, he reached across the circle and gave Kirby’s boobs a squeeze to which she, of course, pretended to be ‘like totally’ offended and slapped him off with a giggle.

  The realisation dawned on me. Sam had gone for the grope on the merchandise girls. My fiancé was a groper. Oh my God.

  “You didn’t.”

  “How else was I s’posed to judge your size? Merch’ Girl B was just right by the way. Bit thicker in the hips but the boobs were spot on.”

  I was appalled. “You felt up the girls on the Merchandise Stand?”

  Sam began to laugh. “Of course, I didn’t. I did it by sight. You know, like painters do with a paintbrush? Jesus, Mill’, what’d you take me for? As if I’d go round touching up other chicks now we’re engaged. And anyway, I didn’t know them from Adam.”

  I exhaled a bit of a sigh and went back to my drink. Sam appeared to be putting the things I’d been trying to teach him since we started going out into practise. A year ago he would have thought nothing of giving a quick squeeze to a stranger in the name of research and it had taken months of careful tutelage before I could trust him to be out alone in public and know he wouldn’t comment on anything he thought was funny but others would be offended by ~ like bum size, nose size or even the odd hideous outfit.

  In fact, now that I thought about it, he hadn’t said anything inappropriate for months. He must be growing up.

  At that moment, the door burst open and Simmo entered, dragging that-slut-Courtney along behind him. She was looking rather smug though I don’t know if it was because she’d managed to weasel her way into our little gang yet again or because she’d squeezed herself into a Western Force singlet that was clearly two sizes too small. Her boobs looked like an out of control ride at Wet ‘N’ Wild spilling out the top of as they were and her blue belly button ring poked from the under the hem. Seriously, a bikini top would have covered more.

  With a roll of her eyes and a heavy groan, Sasha dove into her handbag for a cigarette even though she hadn’t had one for a week and the box was non-smoking. “I thought they’d broken up?”

  “Looks like he, like, changed his mind,” Kirby whispered, giving the new arrivals a view of her back.

  “Hi everyone,” Courtney cooed, tossing her auburn locks over her shoulder to reveal a bit more skin and whacking Johnny in the face. “Thanks for inviting me.”

  “We didn’t.” Sasha blew a puff of smoke in Courtney’s direction. “So why don’t you take your kiddie top back to the cheap seats where you belong? There’s a big bunch of bogans down there looking for their lost dogs. You’ll fit right in.” She flung her hand in the direction of the ‘standing’ shed, where indeed there were hoard of men wearing blue witches hats adorned with similar coloured fairy lights, singing bawdy rugby songs.

  Courtney bent into the mini bar and pulled herself out a beer, twisting the cap off. She tilted the neck to her red stained lips, took a sip that could only be classified pornographic and ran her tongue over her lips slowly. Very slowly. “Nice to see you, too, Sasha. From that aggressive outburst, I’m guessing you still haven’t had a shag since Alan dumped you?”

  “Sex with Alan wasn’t a shag, Courtney. It was a trauma.”

  “Probably ‘cause you had no idea what you were doing.”

  Sasha’s eyes widened. She flicked her cigarette on to the concrete outside, her foot reaching over to stub it out. Then she turned back to Courtney. “At least I don’t shag anything that walks. It’s a wonder you can get your slutty legs together. And FYI, seeing as how I’d never go for your sloppy seconds, there’s no one left for me to shag in the whole of Perth, so it’s no wonder I can’t get any.”

  “Like, more like Australia,” Kirby muttered from behind her.

  “Oh my God.” Alex attempted a polite snort that turned into a splutter of laughter behind her hand.

  Mel pressed her lips together.

  Johnny just outright laughed which set everyone else off. Everyone except Simmo. His face went a queer shade of blue that matched his jersey. Being sandwiched in between the two women in his life while they fought was clearly not his idea of a fun Saturday night.

  “Sash’,” he whined.

  Sasha swung towards him. Her eyes sparked with pent up annoyance. “What? Did you expect me to be nice to her? She’s a man-stealing cow and you’re a bloody great fool for keeping her around.”

  Simmo’s lip wobbled.

  “And don’t pull that face on me. It won’t make me change my mind and take you back. Even if I hadn’t already had the papers drawn up, I wouldn’t be changing my mind. Not when I can’t trust you to keep your penis in your pants.”

  “But…”

  “No! I don’t want to talk to you. Or her. And don’t dare sit near me to watch the game. The thought of you two makes me nauseous and I’ve run out of Maxalon.”

  Courtney took Simmo’s hand. “You sound quite bitter. You should get some help with that.”

  “Oh shut up. I’ve had enough of you. We’ve all had enough of you. You ruin every event with your strutting and preening and trying to hook up with our men. You’re nothing but an insecure no-friend loser. We don’t like you. We’ve never liked you.”

  For once, Courtney had no quick reply.

  “Don’t be so mean,” Simmo replied.

  “Mean? Simmo! Have you even stopped to consider that other people have feelings apart from you? You fucked her. You flaunted it around the club. You ruined our marriage! Yet all you can say is ‘I’m being mean’? You broke my heart and you just don’t get it.”

  Simmo frowned. For the first time, he looked contrite. “Sash’.”

  “Please, can you leave me alone? If you want to be with her, be with her, but can you do it somewhere other than in my face.”

  “S’pose I have been a bit of a prick.”

  Taking Sasha’s hand, Mel led her to the seating area. “That’s a fucking understatement.”

  Out on the field, the teams were running to their positions. The man on the loud speaker was telling everyone to cheer ~ possibly because the Force needed all the help they could get. The referee was checking his watch and noting the start time for the game.

  “If it’s the last thing I ever do, I’m going to get that bitch back,” Sasha muttered. “Don’t ask me how but I will.”

  “Ignore her,” Mel soothed. “It’s Man Candy time. Now where’ll we sit?”

  “Who needs Man Candy when you have me?” Johnny chuckled, as h
e pushed past to go down the stairs, giving her bum a not-so-subtle rub as he did so.

  Mel jumped. She glowered. “Oh my God, when will you get it into your skull that I don’t fucking want you?”

  “When you get it into yours that you do… Come on, Mel. You know it’s true. And seeing my dick the other week only confirmed it for you.” He gave her a lascivious wink and took his seat next to Sam.

  The blush on her face said more than words ever could.

  We took the few steps down to our seats. As usual, with the promise of rugby to be watched the boys were already seated together in the front rows, leaving the back seats to the girls and Simmo. I sidled along until I came to the only seat left. Unfortunately, it was the one next to Courtney but I supposed it was better that I sit there than one of the other girls. She didn’t appear to be baying for my blood this time.

  The whistle went and Dave Harvey took the kick off for the Force. It went straight down the field with the players chasing and was taken by a member of the other team. I crossed my legs and placed my drink on the ledge in front of me. I relaxed into my seat and attempted to concentrate on the game. It wasn’t easy. On one side of me, that-slut-Courtney had recovered from her moment of normalcy and now had her hand on Simmo’s crotch and her tongue in his ear. She was whispering rather loudly over the din about what she was going to do to him when they got home. On the other side, Kirby, Alex and Mel were eyeing off the players and giving them marks out of ten while Sasha was throwing her hands in the air and swearing about the missed calls by the referee. In front of me, the boys had leapt to their feet to applaud a brilliant tackle by their hero, Nathan Sharpe. They were doing some strange sort of dance that looked like the Chicken Dance. Seriously, sometimes I wondered what I’d done for entertainment before I met these people.

  Chapter 16

  It was the following Saturday. Fourteen days until D day. The girls, Paige and I sat in the reception area of Bodybliss Day Spa waiting for our group appointment. The day had been Kirby’s idea and I had to admit it sounded like what I needed after the week I’d had. The flowers I’d picked for my bouquet couldn’t be sourced anywhere in Australia and had to be flown in. Angus wasn’t sure if they would arrive in time. The guest list had increased yet again. Along with the other two hundred people I’d never met, we were now going to be entertaining the members of some secret society Sam’s father had been a member of even though he hadn’t seen them for over a decade. The last straw had been the cake. After Patricia had berated me for twenty minutes over the cost, she’d taken a deep breath and calmly informed me she’d added an extra tier to the top ~ to accommodate the extra guests. I couldn’t win. All I could do was take another migraine tablet and lay in a darkened room, hoping it would all go away.