“Second door on the left,” the boy replied.
The wooden steps creaked below my weight as I tiptoed toward Rob’s bedroom. When I reached his door, I closed a sweaty, trembling hand over the door knob. I tried to turn it, but it wouldn’t budge. My clammy fingers slid over the smooth metal.
“Rob?” I called through the door. “It’s Dani.”
“Fuck off!” he shouted.
“I need to talk to you,” I said, waiting for a response that didn’t come. After several silent seconds, I banged on the door with a hard fist. “You can’t hide forever, Rob! I talked to the cops last night.”
The door suddenly swung open so fast that it almost hit me in the face. Rob glared at me through the door frame. Dark circles sagged below his eyes. He was wearing only boxers, with his hair jutting out in all directions. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. “Who let you in here?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said in a shaky voice.
“You’re not welcome here. Get out.”
“What happened to Leah?” I asked, trying to sound strong and confident, but I could hear the weakness and trepidation in my own voice.
“We went for a walk on the beach,” he said.
“What happened after?”
Rob attempted to shut the door, but I stopped it with my foot. Pain stabbed into my big toe as he pressed the door hard against it.
I grunted through gritted teeth, “Tell me what happened right now.”
The door swung open again, this time hitting me in the nose. I winced in pain, stumbling away from the doorway. Rob grabbed me by the shoulders and pressed me against the wall behind me. I suddenly felt foolish for showing up at his house alone. I knew that Rob was not someone who could be trusted, and I also suspected that he was violent, too. Defenseless, I cowered beneath his intense grip.
“You don’t know what I’m capable of, Dani,” he said, squeezing me harder. “You should think about that next time you start running your mouth to the cops. Rumors spread fast in this town. If you keep making false accusations about me, I’ll do the same to you.” His eyes darkened as he leaned in so close that I could feel his stubble against my cheek. “I know that you and Leah were fighting that night. I heard all about it. And ya know what else? I heard you woke up in the middle of the backyard the next day. You didn’t have a clue what happened. Who’s to say you didn’t have something to do with her disappearance?”
“I didn’t…” I muttered. My lips trembled. “Of course I didn’t. I couldn’t have.”
“You sure?” he asked.
I squinted my eyes in anticipation of being struck in the face. I whimpered until he finally released his grip, breathing heavily.
“Now get out.”
Without another word, I slipped out of his grasp and sprinted down the stairs. The morning sun beat down hard as I fled to my car. Once inside, the panic and anguish that I’d been suppressing came crashing down all at once. Pressing my forehead against the steering wheel, I let out a piercing cry.
Leah was dead. The image of crashing waves and sharp rocks flashed in front of my eyelids. Leah was floating in the ocean somewhere. She had to be, and it was all my fault.
Guilt tore at my insides, not just because of Leah’s disappearance, but because I had failed to love her the way I promised I would. I let our relationship die, and I’d never have a chance to right my wrongs.
The look of guilt in Rob’s eyes revealed everything I needed to know. He killed Leah. I saw the two of them leave the party together, and I did nothing to stop it.
I was the reason that my girlfriend was gone.
Chapter Seven
When I returned to my apartment, I threw my backpack on the floor and stumbled straight into the kitchen, pulling a chilled bottle of wine out of the fridge. I popped the cork and tossed my head back, devouring the alcohol in enormous gulps. Rosie was sitting at the kitchen table, studying on her laptop. When she saw me storm into the kitchen, she shut her laptop and jumped out of her chair.
“My God. Dani, are you alright?” she asked. “I’ve been trying to reach you for hours. Your mom sent me a text.”
I lowered my head, guilt rippling through me. I hadn’t looked at my phone since I left my parents’ beach house. I was so determined to interrogate Rob that I couldn’t focus on anything else.
“The news about Leah has been all over social media,” Rosie said. “Everyone’s been freaking out.”
“Now people care?” I said. “It’s a little late for that.”
“Hey.” Rosie crossed her arms. “Don’t be like that. The people who care about you are concerned. I am, too. I just didn’t want you to panic right in the beginning.”
“I know,” I said with a long sigh. I walked into the living room, kicked off my shoes, and slumped into the couch cushions. My arms ached where Rob had gripped me with his hands, and my nose didn’t feel too great either. By some miracle, there were no visible bruises on my face. But I could still feel my veins pulsating and throbbing inside the bridge of my nose.
Rosie took a seat next to me. The smell of her shampoo wafted warmly toward me. She slung her arm across my shoulders and pulled me into a soft embrace. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend throughout all this,” she said, stroking my hair gently. “I figured Leah just left the party because she was mad at you. It wouldn’t have been the first time she did that. God. I can’t even count how many times she disappeared from a social gathering because she was mad over something dumb. That’s why when you couldn’t find her yesterday, I wasn’t as concerned as you were.” Rosie’s green eyes slanted softly toward me. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t understand how serious it was.”
My eyes filled with tears. I lifted the bottle of wine to my lips and swallowed a heavy mouthful. Then, I muttered in a trembling voice, “I didn’t want to believe it either.”
Rosie continued combing her fingers through my hair. She spoke in a gentle, nurturing voice. “You okay?”
“I don’t think I will be until I find out what happened that night.”
“What happened when you approached Rob this morning?”
“He had guilt written all over his face,” I replied.
“I’m not surprised,” Rosie said. “The cops will handle it, though. Whatever happened, I’m sure they’ll get him to crack eventually. He’s not as tough as he pretends to be. He tries to pull off the tough frat guy persona, but I think it’s an act.”
I turned to meet her gaze closely. “You’re not surprised?”
“That Rob might be guilty?” she asked. “Of course not. There’s not a single girl on campus he hasn’t made a move on in the past. I didn’t think he was capable of anything this sinister, but… I don’t know. Maybe he got handsy with Leah on the beach, took things a little too far, and…”
I groaned aloud. “Please, don’t put that image in my head. I don’t want to think about anyone hurting her.”
“Sorry,” Rosie said. “But the case is under investigation. You don’t need to drive yourself crazy worrying about things you can’t control.”
I took another generous swig of my wine, and after a lengthy pause, I said, “I’ll try.” I checked the time. It was twelve-thirty in the afternoon. “I think a nap might help.”
“Yeah, and maybe you should put this down.” Rosie took the bottle of wine from my hands. “A little early for that, no?”
I nodded in agreement. I wasn’t tired, and I probably wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. But my only escape from this nightmare was to shut the world away, lock myself in a dark room, and close my eyes. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want to feel.
I didn’t deserve to exist.
Chapter Eight - Five Years Prior
After gym class, I stood in the locker room and looked around in search of Sara. I hadn’t particularly missed her company, but her recent absence was perplexing. Her locker used to be right next to mine, but lately, she’d been getting dressed on the opposite s
ide of the locker room. With a groan, I could only imagine why. When Leah had winked at me from the side of the lacrosse field last month, Sara was appalled that I didn’t express revulsion or disgust. She didn’t actually say it, but I could sense her scrutiny when she passed curious glances between Leah and me. She could sense the connection between us immediately, simply because I failed to hide my blush when Leah sent a flirtatious wink in my direction.
I wasn’t deeply close with anyone at Orchard Hill, so it wasn’t much of a disappointment when I noticed my friends gradually drifting away from me. Normally, I was used to being surrounded by people, but all the while, I still felt like no one really knew me. My parents didn’t, Sara didn’t, and Hannah didn’t. In fact, I barely even understood myself. All I knew was that I was a deep thinker who didn’t see my surroundings at face value. I was constantly striving to see beneath the surface, to understand where I belonged in the complicated collideascope I lived in. I spent so much time studying and practicing lacrosse that I hardly ever allowed myself a second to stop and breathe. I felt like a shell that was desperate to crack open. Itching to broaden my surroundings, I yearned to spill my heart into the universe. But I constantly felt like no one would hear me.
My feelings were confirmed when neither Sara nor Hannah asked me why I had been spending so much time with Leah recently. They watched us from a distance, whispering and frowning as the two of us sat on the bed of her pick-up truck after school every Monday. They never inquired about the content of our friendship or what drew us together. They simply glared, offering no attempt of communication.
On the last Friday before summer, I shut my locker with a hard slam. I walked toward the back of the locker room, where Sara was shoving her arms through the holes of a loose T-shirt. Her back was toward me and her skin was exposed, revealing her bumpy ribs and round hips. I diverted my gaze immediately.
I waited until the two of us were alone before I spoke. “Any reason you’ve been avoiding me?” I asked. I knew the answer to the question, but I wanted to hear her say it.
Sara smoothed the wrinkles of her shirt and turned to face me. “Not sure what you mean.”
“Why’d you change lockers?”
“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” she said as she organized her textbooks in her locker.
“Me?” I asked. “Why would I be uncomfortable?”
“Don’t make me say it, Dani.”
“I don’t have anything to hide,” I said, although it wasn’t entirely true. I wasn’t in complete denial about my sexuality, but I wasn’t ready to blatantly come out, either.
“Oh, come on. Drop the act.” Sara scoffed. “Everyone knows that you and Leah Herrington are hooking up.” She clutched her textbooks in her hands. “And that’s fine. It’s your life. You can make your own decisions, but I just don’t feel comfortable getting undressed in front of you. It’s weird for both of us.”
“It’s not weird for me,” I said. “We’ve played sports together since we were in middle school. We’ve known each other since we were practically kids. You should know I don’t look at you like that.”
“Ah-ha.” She huffed. “So you only have eyes for Leah, then?” She was challenging me, waiting for me to finally come out and admit that Leah and I were involved. She eyed me coldly.
Mixed emotions swirled through me like a tornado. For the last month, I’d allowed rumors to spread on their own. Leah found it humorous, the way our personal lives had suddenly become everyone’s business. I didn’t find it humorous at all, though. I felt like I was sitting through a cringeworthy, nail-biting horror movie that I desperately wanted to end. I couldn’t wait until graduation was over so that I could leave it all behind and move on.
“So is this why you haven’t been talking to me?” I asked.
Sara sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry, Dani. You and I have never been that close, anyway. We never really knew each other all that well. Otherwise, I would have known years ago. This…new revelation has been eye opening.”
“Wow,” I muttered. Tears flooded my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them fall in front of Sara. I held them back with all the strength I could muster.
“I’m sorry,” Sara said. “I wish you well. I really do.” She pursed her lips. “Goodbye, Dani.”
She turned and exited the locker room.
When the door closed behind her, I put my head in my hands, slumped to the floor, and sobbed.
• • •
“After all these years…she was willing to end our friendship just like that,” I said, clutching a flat stone in my palm. I tossed it up and down and, with a flick of my wrist, I sent it launching into the water. It skidded against the surface three times before splashing into the murky depths.
“Didn’t you say you didn’t hang out with her that much anyway?” Leah asked. She sat at the edge of the pond that was located about a mile away from our high school. Leah watched me, hugging her knees.
“I didn’t,” I replied. “But it still hurts.”
“I know,” Leah said softly, nodding with understanding. Her hair was tied into a side braid. Loose strands blew around her face as she watched me closely, her dark eyes thoughtful and calm.
“If this is how my friends reacted, I can only imagine what my parents will think when they find out.” I grabbed a handful of rocks off of the ground and began tossing them into the water, one by one. “I’ll have to tell them eventually,” I said.
“Maybe they already know,” Leah replied. “Maybe they’re just waiting for you to come out and tell them yourself.”
“I don’t know. That doesn’t sound like them.” I spun around and captured Leah’s gaze. “What does your mom think about you being a lesbian?”
Leah shrugged. “She doesn’t care who I date. She could give a rat’s ass about anything I do…as long as I pay the bills for her.”
With a slow and heavy exhale, I dropped the handful of pebbles on the ground and slumped on the ground beside Leah. I leaned into her warmth, resting my head on her shoulder. “How do you deal with pain?” I asked after a contemplative, thoughtful pause.
Leah narrowed her eyes at me curiously. “Why do you ask?”
“All I can think about lately is how my parents taught me to deal with difficult situations,” I said. “After my sister’s funeral, my parents hardly ever brought her up. Now, they only mention her once or twice a year, and when they do, it’s very brief. It’s like talking about her means opening up a fresh wound. My parents would rather put a bandaid on it than let it heal.”
“Mm.” Leah reached toward my hand and held it. “I guess there are two ways to deal with pain. Your parents don’t address it at all, whereas my mom lets it consume her. She surrendered to the pain years ago.”
“It shouldn’t be so black and white,” I said.
Leah wrapped her arms around me. The fabric of her flannel felt like a warm blanket around my shoulders. “You wanna know what I do when life gets heavy?” she asked. Her eyes brightened. “I focus on what matters right now. You. Me. This moment, and where it will lead us in the future.” She grinned affectionately and caressed my cheek with her own. “You’re stronger than you realize, Dani. You have the power to make life exciting, and no one can take that away from you. Not me, not Sara, and not your parents.”
The gentle breeze drifted off the water and rustled my hair. I closed my eyes, relishing the fresh air on my skin.
“Everything will be alright,” Leah whispered in my ear. “It’ll always be alright.” She pressed her warm lips against my neck and kissed my earlobe lightly. A shiver of desire sweltered through me, sending goosebumps over my skin. As Leah held me, I melted into her. I felt safe in her arms, like I was a child who needed nurturing. Pain felt less heavy when I was with her, making me wish I could stay in this moment for as long as possible.
Chapter Nine
Making love to her introduces me to a level of intimacy that is almost sublime. It all see
ms to happen in a blur, like we’re dancing in a choir, bed sheets wrapped around us as our moans ring together harmoniously. Every touch and stroke gradually brings me closer to my climax. Leah begins by guiding me gently, and then in one single movement, she rocks me to the core.
As we finish, we lay together in an entanglement of bed sheets. I rest my head on her shoulder and coil the ends of her hair. Shiny black locks cascade down her shoulders, ending just below her breasts.
“Stay just like that,” I say breathlessly. “I want to take a picture of you.”
Leah giggles, her face turning crimson. “No.”
“Why not? You’re the one always taking pictures of me.”
“I won’t let you,” Leah says. She rolls on top of me, her bare skin sliding against my own. She takes hold of both my wrists and pins me to the mattress. My heart dances with arousal.
She bears her eyes into mine, desire flashing through them. Biting my lip, I expect her to smile down at me, thinking about all the things she will do to pleasure me. But her face is blank, unreadable.
“Go ahead, baby,” I say with closed eyes. “Take control.”
I wait for her to move, but she remains still.
“Leah?” I say, glancing up at her. “You okay?”
Her eyes moisten with tears. “Why’d you have to do this to me?”
“What?” I ask. I try to wrestle my arms free, but she tightens her grip. Her fingernails dig into my wrists. “Can you let me go?”
With eyes wide, I watch as tears roll down Leah’s cheeks. First, they spill out as clear droplets sliding down pale skin. Then, they darken into a thick, black liquid that oozes toward her chin like ink.
I want to scream, but I am overcome by a dreadful feeling that no one is listening. A film of blackness covers Leah’s eyes, closing over her irises until her eyeballs are two black, hollow sockets.
In a dull, lifeless voice, she says, “You killed me, Dani. You’ve been killing me all along.”
• • •
Shelter in the Dark Page 5
