“Well, I’m not tonight. I just bought a bottle of merlot that I haven’t opened yet.” Rosie peered toward the kitchen and pointed at my bottle of vodka, which I had left on the counter. “Kasser’s, Dani? Seriously? What’s gotten into you? I thought you knew what a good drink tasted like.”
“Good drinks cost money,” I said.
Rosie walked into the kitchen and opened one of the cabinets. She pulled out a sealed bottle of red wine. “This cost ten bucks.”
I blushed a little. “Touche.”
The two of us took seats across from each other on the balcony outside our apartment. After a week of pure solitude, the fresh air was a relief, but I couldn’t suppress the guilt that hurtled toward me every time a sensation of pleasure crept through my veins. Leah’s face was a constant materialization in my mind, a loop that replayed no matter where I was or what I was doing. Talking to Rosie with a glass of wine in hand was a temporary distraction, but the feeling of pure joy continued to elude me.
“I’ve missed this,” Rosie said as she clinked her half-empty glass against my full one. “Back when we used to hangout and get drunk in our dorm room all the time, just the two of us. That was before we got so tangled up in our social lives. You were always so quiet and introverted. You needed me to pull you out of your shell.” She smiled immaculately, revealing perfect teeth, and sipped her wine.
“I didn’t need you,” I said defensively. “But you helped, I admit. I was terrified during our freshman year. I’d never been on my own before.”
Rosie’s eyes twinkled with amusement. “Mhm. I know. You were like a scared mouse ducking for cover without having your parents around to tell you what to do. Thank God you had me to pull you away from your textbooks and help you live a little. Have you always been like that, so consumed in your studies that you couldn’t just chill out for a second?”
“I always got good grades,” I said. “My whole life, nothing less was expected of me.”
Rosie let out a cackle. “Thank God you ended up with me as a roommate, not some antisocial hermit. You wouldn’t have even pledged in the sorority if I hadn’t convinced you to.”
“Yes. Thank God I have you,” I said with a hint of sarcasm. I found it maddening how Rosie was able to balance so much at once, but she made it look so easy. She was bubbly, charismatic, and smart. Not to mention breathtakingly beautiful. Even now, as she sat with her feet propped up on the balcony railing, relaxed and enjoying the sun’s warmth, she was mesmerising. The evening sun cast a golden glow on her wavy, auburn hair. Her green eyes glistened as she eyed me over the rim of her wine glass. I dipped my gaze lower, where her low-cut T-shirt revealed full smooth, pale skin. An amused smirk ignited Rosie’s features, as if she could sense the way I was looking at her.
I blushed and snapped my gaze away.
“Welp. That’s what best friends are for,” Rosie said. “I help you build confidence and climb out of your shell…show you what it means to live a little. In return, you chase away my ex-boyfriends with a broom.”
I cracked a subtle grin. It was the first time I’d smiled in days. “I didn’t do it just for you,” I said. “I’d chase him away if it was anyone.” My lips hardened as I recalled the way his face had sunken with heartache. “But why not tell the guy you’re not interested? He obviously thinks he has a chance.”
Rosie hesitated and bit her bottom lip. “The thing you have to understand about me is…No one owns me. I can date whoever I want, fuck whoever I want, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation. That’s not my problem.”
“Doesn’t honesty matter, though? You should at least be up front about that.”
“I am,” Rosie said. She twiddled her glass, allowing the wine to swivel around and around. “Men know not to expect anything from me. Right off the bat, I make it clear that I depend on no one other than myself. I’m paying my way through school and finishing with a double bachelor’s degree. I won’t let anyone’s feelings distract me from getting what I want.”
I had to admit, but there was something to admire about Rosie’s self assurance and independence. Growing up with controlling parents kept me sheltered and afraid to speak up. On the other hand, Rosie’s self-empowerment was intimidating, but magnetising. No wonder men flocked to her, sending flowers to the apartment and begging for her affection.
“That’s admirable,” I said. “I wish I had that kind of confidence.”
“It didn’t happen overnight,” Rosie said. “Unlike you, I didn’t have everything handed to me. I actually had to work.” She sipped her wine. “Oh, and don’t even ask me about my student loans. I’ll be in a crippling amount of debt until I’m in a nursing home. You’re lucky your parents are so rich.”
Bitter resentment poured into me, making me crave Leah’s presence more than ever. She was the only person in my life who didn’t make me feel guilty for growing up wealthy. I was often scoffed at by my friends who assumed that I didn’t understand the value of hard work or discipline. They assumed I had grown up with a maid that delivered room service to my door every morning. They imagined me being pampered, massaged, and bathed by a team of servants. The people who judged me didn’t see me during my difficult moments, when I beat my lacrosse stick into the ground, anger and rage fueling with no means of release. They didn’t see the way my mother scorned me when I gained weight, received a low grade, or missed an assignment. I was conditioned to be perfect since birth, and no one understood that side of me. No one except Leah.
With a sigh, I willed myself to be more patient with Rosie’s failure to understand. Every human being had their struggles, regardless of wealth or status. I didn’t need to convince Rosie to see the world through my eyes. There was no point.
Rosie downed the rest of her wine, stood up, and stretched. “You hungry?” she asked. “I was thinking of ordering a plate of sushi before everyone comes over.”
“You invited friends over again?” I asked. It amazed me that Rosie never got tired of partying.
“You’re welcome to join,” Rosie said. “I know you’ve been going through a hard time, but some company will do you good.”
“I’m not feeling up to it,” I replied.
“Come on. Just hangout for a little. I’ll buy you dinner.”
My stomach gurgled. Over the last week, I’d often felt like a pile of bricks was lodged into my gut. Hunger eluded me for days until it manifested all at once. With a groan, I found myself craving food. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday.
I looked up at Rosie. “Will you order me a spicy salmon roll?”
Her lips lifted into a satisfied grin. “That’s my girl.”
After we ate, loud music was blasting through our apartment by eight o’clock. Rosie invited ten friends over, which included Jenna, a couple freshman who had recently pledged into the sorority, and four guys from Pi Kappa Alpha. I remained quiet for most of the evening, sipping my vodka soda and trying to engage in the conversations that surrounded me. But it was difficult to focus, and I often found myself drifting off. Of course, my mind wandered toward Leah: memories of her, the sound of her voice, and the possibility of ever feeling her skin against mine again. The thoughts tormented me, prompting me to refill my glass again and again. After my eighth vodka soda, I couldn’t walk without stumbling.
I slumped into one of the couch cushions in the living room. A glance at my watch revealed that it was past midnight. My head was spinning. I glanced toward the opposite sofa, where Rosie was sandwiched in between two senior boys from Pi Kappa Alpha. The boy to her left placed a strong hand on her thigh and was smelling her hair, inhaling slowly. He kissed her neck and Rosie giggled, loving the attention.
She met my gaze across the room and winked at me. For a startling moment, I wondered if she was beckoning me to join in on what the boy beside her was doing to her.
I immediately shifted my gaze, too sloppily drunk to think straight.
Gradually, my senses went numb. Reality slowed down. My eyelids drooped. My
drink slipped from my hand and collapsed onto the floor as I fell asleep.
Chapter Fifteen - Four Years Prior
“Don’t tell Leah I’m here,” I said with an excited grin.
The young hostess nodded discreetly. Since the holidays were approaching, Peter’s diner was exceptionally crowded tonight. Young men and women stood noisily around the bar, eager to grab Leah’s attention. While I stood waiting by the entrance, I watched as Leah scrambled around the bar, taking orders and wiping down the counter. Then, after finishing her closing duties, she punched out of her shift, removed her apron, and yawned deeply. Even from a distance, the exhaustion that weighed her down was easy to see. Heavy bags sunk under her eyes, which were glassy and bloodshot. When she stepped out from behind the bar, I noticed that she was wearing a foot brace on her right leg. She limped toward the exit and rubbed her eyes groggily.
When she caught sight of me, her face lit up. “Dani? What are you doing here?”
I grinned widely. “Surprise!”
Despite her staggering limp, she rushed toward me and jumped into my arms. I held her tight, breathing in her scent. This was the first time we’d seen each other since the summer.
“What are you doing here?” she asked again. “I thought you wouldn’t be home until the twenty-third.”
“I came home early to surprise you. I called the diner yesterday, and your manager said your shift ended at nine. I was just waiting for you by the entrance.”
“Sorry it took awhile,” Leah said. “The diner’s been short staffed, so I’ve been working overtime all week. Just because my shift is technically done at nine doesn’t mean I am done at nine. I don’t actually get to leave until all the work is done.”
With a frown, I dropped my gaze to her injured leg. “What’s with the boot?”
Leah shrugged. “Oh, it’s not a big deal. I had some pain a couple weeks ago, and the doctor at urgent care said I’ve been on my feet too much.”
My eyes softened. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t feel like listening to you nag me about it.”
“Leah…” My frown deepened.
“Hush,” she said, lifting her index finger to silence me. “Tell me what you have planned for us tonight.”
I hesitated, sighed at her foot brace, then said, “Well, I was thinking I’d introduce you to my friends from Rowan. That’s if you’re feeling up to it.”
“Yes, please. Get me the hell out of this place.”
Warmth and excitement swarmed into my chest. Wrapping my arms around Leah’s shoulders, I led her out the front door of the diner.
The car ride took about two hours. After removing her medical boot, Leah sat in the passenger seat with her feet relaxed on the dashboard. With the window down, she blew puffs of cigarette smoke into the night air. Def Leppard pumped through the speakers.
I never minded long car rides with Leah. With the windows down and the music blaring, we were free. We could finally break away from the world that constantly drove us apart, as if we were polarized magnets on opposite ends of reality. While cruising along the highway, we were headed in the same direction for once. We floated along a single plane, side by side.
When we were about ten minutes away from campus, Leah turned the volume down. “So will I finally be meeting your roommate tonight?”
“Yup,” I said. “Rosie’s already at the dorm, getting ready to go out with us.”
“And this is the girl that somehow convinced you to join a sorority?” Leah asked. I couldn’t help but notice the reproachful tone of her voice.
“Don’t believe the stereotype,” I said.
Leah shrugged. “Sorry. I’m just surprised, that’s all. I never thought you’d be interested in that.”
“I never thought I would either,” I admitted. “The parties are pretty overwhelming and distracting, but I’ve somehow managed to keep up with the workload. Plus, Rosie’s uncle works for Through The Lense. He can get me an internship immediately after I graduate.”
Leah fixed her gaze on me, looking surprised. “I thought you wanted to be an independent journalist.”
“Yeah…eventually.”
“But Through The Lense is a gossip column,” Leah said.
“It would just be a way to get my foot in the door,” I replied. Sensing Leah’s disapproval, I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.
Leah’s eyes wandered around blankly, as if filing through her thoughts.“So…would you be writing for the column?”
I swallowed. “Um. Actually, I’d be an anchor.”
“What?” Leah blurted. “Is that really what you want?”
I bit my lip. Of course that wasn’t what I wanted. My dream was to have a voice, to work independently without being censored by editors who worked above me. I wanted to design my own website, travel, and express myself. The ultimate dream was for Leah to travel with me and take photos. She knew all of this, which made it painful to watch her disappointed reaction to the news. “I need to take whatever job I can get,” I told her. “Especially if we’re gonna move in together right after college. I need to have a stable job lined up right away.”
“Who said we have to move in together right away?” Leah asked. “We can wait until you’ve gotten settled into the right career. I’m not in any rush.”
A long sigh escaped my chest. “Leah, you injured your foot because you won’t give yourself a break. I can’t stand the thought of your mom stealing money from you any longer. You’ve been working ridiculous hours for a year now, and your mom makes you pay all the bills on your own. I want us to have our own place so that you can be free.”
“I don’t need you to rescue me,” Leah said, her voice more firm than I expected.
“I never said that.”
“Then what are you saying?!” Leah asked. “I can handle myself on my own. I don’t need you to swoop in and save me.”
I went quiet. The engine hummed dully.
Sensing my unease, Leah’s demeanor softened. She reached across the console and held my hand. “Sorry,” she said. “I’d just hate to see you settle for a job you don’t want. I love you too much to let you do that. I want you to find whatever makes you happy. Then, I’ll follow you wherever you want to go.”
I took my eyes off the road briefly and held her gaze. “But I want you to be happy, too.”
“I don’t mind working at the diner,” Leah said. “I have my whole life ahead of me. My photography career can wait.”
“Your deteriorating foot doesn’t seem to agree with that statement.”
Leah shot me a glare, but then her lips melted into a warm grin. “You’re a stubborn woman. Did I ever tell you that?”
I flickered my attention toward her. “You think I’m more stubborn than you?”
“I recall you asking me out first,” Leah protested, a playful smile lingering on her face. “You asked me to be your girlfriend. So that means you chose to date someone stubborn.”
I whipped my head back in laughter. “And you chose to say yes.”
Leah opened her mouth to retort, but fell silent when we passed a brightly lit sign with the Rowan University logo on it.
I noticed the way her fingers tightened around mine.
“We’re here,” I said. I wondered if Leah was nervous to meet my friends, but in all honesty, I was more nervous that she wouldn’t like them.
• • •
The freshman dormitories were dank and musty, insulated by cinder block walls and illuminated by fluorescent lighting. When we reached my dorm room, I could already hear music blasting through the crack in the door. I pushed the door open and guided Leah inside.
The room was small, with two twin-sized beds on opposite corners of the room. It was easy to tell which side belonged to me: Mine was plain and Rosie’s exploded with color in comparison. Leah’s gaze trailed along the printed photos taped all over the walls. Judging by the pictures, it was clear that Rosie’s social life was abundant, and the
re were few photos that didn’t include both her and me. Since we were roommates and had pledged in the same sorority, the two of us were almost never apart.
Rosie emerged from the bathroom. She was wearing a short red dress, high heels, and gold earrings that dangled along her slender neck.
“Oh my God,” Rosie said, examining my appearance. She grimaced. “Is that what you’re wearing? Dani, you’re supposed to wear business chic to the party, and you should be dressed in Christmas colors.”
“What does business chic mean?” I asked.
“It means everything you’re wearing right now is all wrong.”
“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Of course you wouldn’t. Because you never pay attention to the memos. Why do I have to constantly remind you?”
I gestured toward Leah, clearing my throat. “Well, anyway, this is Leah. It’s nice that you two finally get to meet.”
Rosie looked at Leah. Their eyes met and held. With an empty smile that didn’t reach her eyes, Rosie said, “Hi.”
“Nice to finally meet you,” Leah said. It was hard to tell whether she was just being polite or if she actually meant it. She sized Rosie up and down, studying her closely. It was strange, seeing them together. It was like two opposite ends of the universe had suddenly collided.
Rosie chuckled lightly, saying to Leah, “Dani’s lucky to have me. The poor thing wouldn’t even know how to dress herself if it weren’t for me.” She laughed, and Leah didn’t.
Leah’s face remained serious and focused.
Rosie turned away from Leah and called over her shoulder, “Who wants to take a shot?”
“I’m fine, thanks,” Leah said. She took a seat on my bed.
“I’ll take one,” I said as I stood beside Rosie.
While Rosie poured dark liquor into two shot glasses on the counter, she said, “Well, Leah, I must say Dani talks about you a ton. The two of you seem like a dream of a couple.” She finished pouring the two glasses, accidentally spilling some rum on the counter. Some of it dripped into a puddle on the floor. Ignoring the mess, she handed one of the shots to me. “So what’s it like being in a long-distance relationship?” she asked. “I can only imagine how difficult that would be.”
Shelter in the Dark Page 10
