With a reluctant nod, I said, “Understood.”
Remembering that my bottle of Chardonnay was still tucked into my backpack, I was tempted to smile sheepishly. What parents didn’t know wouldn’t hurt.
• • •
As I spent the day studying, it remained almost impossible to focus. I took frequent breaks from typing on my laptop so that I could put my head in my hands, rub my temples, and take a few calming breaths. My head was still throbbing from dehydration. Not only had I been drinking indulgently for the last several weeks, I hadn’t eaten properly. My stomach felt like it was constantly tight with knots, blocking any invitation for food. Just a small bite of toast caused a dull ache in my gut.
While working in the office, I could hear my mother and Rosie chatting in the kitchen. Sounds carried easily in a house so open and spacious. The two of them were consumed in conversation all day, exchanging future career plans and financial goals. At one point, I overheard Rosie explaining her student loan plan to my parents. Although I couldn’t see my mother, I could sense that my mom was impressed. I was tempted to chuckle madly. Even though my mother wished I was attracted to men, she might actually have approved of Rosie as a partner for me. She would have preferred her over Leah, for that matter.
I finished my school work around eight o’clock that night. Once I was finally able to put the workload behind me, I felt like the weight of a truck had lifted off of my shoulders.
I prepared a hot shower afterward. All the tension in my body relaxed as the warm water drizzled down my neck, shoulders, and back. Hot steam rose to the ceiling while I watched the steady stream of water trickle down the drain. With closed eyes, I released a long, slow exhale, expelling all the tension from my chest. Maybe, just maybe it was possible that in a few weeks, I could begin to focus on my future career again. I could spend the next couple weeks studying vigorously and staying focused. Then, when the time was right, I could pursue professional help. I could attend an AA meeting or meet with a counselor. I obviously couldn’t continue a lifestyle of daily drinking forever. I needed proper rest and self care.
With a sigh of relief, I decided that I wouldn’t touch my bottle of wine tonight. I’d leave it tucked away in my bookbag for another time. Tonight, I’d go to bed early.
With my towel wrapped around my body, I stepped out of the bathroom and tiptoed across the hall, toward my old bedroom. My mother and Rosie were both standing outside one of the guest rooms, which was located right next to my room. My mother handed Rosie a pile of folded sheets.
“These should keep you warm tonight,” she told her. “We keep the thermostat at seventy.”
“Couldn’t I sleep in Dani’s room?” Rosie asked.
“Oh. That wouldn’t be appropriate,” my mother said.
“Seriously, Mom?” I chimed in. “Rosie is just my friend. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m attracted to every girl that comes near me.”
My mother eyed me coldly. “I want the two of you in separate rooms. You can do whatever you want when you’re at college, but your father and I won’t condone any bad behavior in our home.”
Whatever bad behavior my mother feared was never going to happen with Rosie, but I lacked the energy to argue. Plus, I was in desperate need of alone time.
After saying goodnight to the two of them, I changed into comfortable clothes, shut off my bedroom lights, and crawled into my bed. I rolled around on the mattress awhile, shifting from side to side and restlessly adjusting my pillow. As much as I wanted to resist, I still couldn’t help but think about Leah. In the silence of my bedroom, the ghost of her memory haunted every corner. Her and I had made love numerous times in the bed I was laying in. We could only do it when my parents weren’t around, of course. But that only added to the excitement. The scandalousness of our relationship enhanced our passion and desperation for each other. With outside forces constantly pulling us apart, our only hope of staying together was to hold each other tighter.
I tossed and turned for a while longer, fighting the image of Leah that penetrated my thoughts no matter how hard I tried to push them away. I craved her. I needed her. It was impossible to sleep without knowing if she was dead or somehow still alive somewhere. The uncertainty was what prevented me from pursuing happiness again. I felt this constant drive in me, this inevitable voice in my head that demanded me to know.
I eventually couldn’t stand it anymore. In the pitch-black darkness, I leapt out of bed and began pacing around the room. I stopped in front of my bedroom window and peered through the glass, gazing at nothing in particular. From such a high altitude, the view from my bedroom window was spectacular. City lights twinkled in the distance. Wild darkness stretched for miles and miles between our house and the city, leaving my eyes plenty of room to wander. Within the vast expanses of suburban developments, forests, and bodies of water stretched before me in silver moonlight, I wondered if Leah was somewhere out there.
The surface of the windowsill was cold against my fingers as I pushed it open, allowing cool air to filter in. I lifted up my leg and hoisted it over the threshold. Beyond my window was at least twenty square feet of slanted rooftop. As a kid, I used to sit up there whenever I was having trouble sleeping. Grateful for a breath of fresh air, I crawled out the window and met the cold night breeze with a deep inhale. I sat with my legs crossed on the roof shingles.
Through the open window, I could hear the steady creak of my bedroom door opening. Rosie’s voice carried over.
“Dani? You awake?”
“Out here!” I called back, keeping my voice low so that my parents wouldn’t overhear.
Rosie poked her head through the window’s wide opening. “Cool view,” she said. “Can I sit with you? I don’t think I’ll be getting any sleep tonight.”
“Me either,” I replied.
Rosie crawled onto the roof and scooted close to me. “Goddamn. You weren’t exaggerating when you told me how crazy your parents are. You’re twenty-two, yet they still talk to you like you’re in high school.”
“College was my only escape,” I said.
“Did you see the way your mom looked at me when I asked if I could sleep in your room with you? It was like I had just confessed to murder.”
“There’s a reason that my parents are the way they are,” I said to Rosie. “I wasn’t always an only child. I had an older sister. She died when I was five.”
“Oh my.” Rosie’s eyes were focused and interested. “What happened?”
“Let me explain something to you.” I turned away from Rosie and pointed toward the dark, wild terrain that occupied the land before the city lights began. “My town is divided. Over here, you have the wealthier families. It’s all developed neighborhoods and big mansions. Just travel a couple miles west, and it’s like a different world over there. Lots of crime, poverty, and there’s a huge drug problem. My sister used to hang out over there a lot when she was a teenager.”
“How’d she pass?”
“Drunk driving accident,” I replied.
Rosie nodded her head slowly, as if she was connecting the dots. “That explains a lot. I guess they’re afraid the same thing will happen to you?”
“Or something like that,” I said. “It explains why they’re so shaken up over my drinking habits recently. I know they mean well. God. I don’t know what I would have done if my mom hadn’t shown up to intervene this morning. I know she wants what’s best for me, but it’s hard to appreciate when I’m being…” I hugged my knees and rested my chin on them. “…suffocated all the time. She assumes that anyone who grows up unprivileged is different from us. But she fails to look inward and realize that our family is just as screwed up as anyone else’s. She has this tendency to fix problems that are too complicated to rectify in simple gestures. She thinks that if she finds an obvious ailment, she can throw a bandaid on it, as if that solves a multitude of issues that have been built over decades of hardship. She thinks she can…”
Rosie wra
pped her arm around my shoulders. The warmth of her body soothed me in the night breeze.
“Sorry,” I said with a sigh. “Am I ranting too much?”
“No. No. Go ahead. I’m glad you can open up to me about this.”
“What I mean to say is…I think my mom lets fear and guilt get the best of her. She blamed herself for what happened to my sister. I guess she felt like she didn’t keep a close enough eye on her. So with me, well…”
“She took the extreme route,” Rosie said.
“Yeah,” I replied softly.
The two of us sat in silence for a short stretch of time. My gaze drifted along the distant city skyline as Rosie’s body warmed my own. I couldn’t help but lean into her touch.
“Well, at least your parents gave you attention,” Rosie said. “My mom made a run for it when I was an infant.”
“I’m so sorry.” I nestled my head against her shoulder.
“Me too,” Rosie replied. “The last time I saw her was on my eighteenth birthday. I guess she figured it was her last shot at making amends before she no longer had legal rights over me. I haven’t had any contact with her since.”
“And your dad?” I asked.
“Military, just like my three older brothers. It’s a long standing tradition in my family.”
A swell of compassion charged into me. Without a mother to guide her during her father’s absence, I assumed she was left with a nanny or a distant family member. “How come you never joined the military, then?” I pressed on. “Since it’s a tradition in your family.”
A light chuckle erupted from Rosie’s chest. “Me? The military? That’s absurd.”
“Why?” I asked.
“It’s just that…” Rosie sighed as her laughter wore off. “My dad and my brothers would never take that seriously. I’m a girl, so that means I’m supposed to—”
“Put on a pretty face and please people?”
Rosie’s eyes narrowed in my direction. “You judge me, don’t you?”
“For what?” I asked.
“You think I live to please everyone, like I’m shallow or something,” Rosie said as she leaned her head against the siding of the house. For a moment, I wondered if she was angry. But only sadness presented itself in her expression.
“Oh…no.” Guilt and regret tugged at me. “I don’t think you’re shallow. I think you’re like me.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re constantly chasing gratification that never seems to come. Whether it’s success, having lots of friends, a career, or…”
Rosie’s warm hand traveled from my waist to my mid back. She skidded her index finger over my T-shirt in slow, soothing circles. “Or physical affection,” she whispered in my ear.
My body went rigid. I swallowed nervously. “Who you bring into the bedroom is none of my business. Just as long as you’re happy.”
Rosie’s eyes lingered steadily on my own. “I’m just looking for the right person.”
“You’ll find him,” I said.
Though it was dark, her green irises sparkled underneath the stars. Her face was inches away from mine. The scent of her lotion radiated off of her skin.
Suddenly, the silence of the night became thicker, harsher. The gentle hum of crickets were muted by the fast beat of my heart, which pounded with abrupt urgency. Rosie placed a warm hand on my leg.
I gulped before speaking in a timid voice. “Rosie?”
“Hm?” she mumbled as she continued looking deeply into my eyes.
“Do you…um…?”
“Do I what?”
I hesitated, running my fingers through my hair. “You…are straight, right?”
“Is that your assumption?” Rosie asked, leaning closer to me.
“I don’t know. Maybe we should just—”
Without allowing another word to escape my lips, Rosie’s mouth was suddenly pressed against mine. She kissed me deeply and desperately. Her lips parted open and she pulled me close, cupping my chin with both hands. Her breath trembled against my skin.
As a low groan of pleasure sounded from her throat, I felt a combination of excitement, confusion, and panic. She deepened the kiss, pressing her body against my own. Heat filtered between us. Her tongue slid into my mouth aggressively, making me gasp. This wasn’t right. No. This definitely wasn’t right. Only Leah had ever touched me the way Rosie was touching me. Leah’s smile appeared in my mind, sending a shock of guilt through me.
I forcefully pushed Rosie off of me. “Rosie, I can’t.”
Her cheeks turned pink like a rose, and I wasn’t sure if it was from anger or embarrassment. Maybe it was both. “Why not?”
“Why do you think?” I said. “Everything about this feels wrong.”
“Why do you deny that you’re attracted to me?” Her voice rose in volume, making me fear she might wake up my parents.
“Can you not shout?” I whispered harshly. “My parents are asleep.”
Ignoring me, Rosie went on, “I see the way you look at me all the time. It’s very obvious, Dani.”
“Okay, fine!” Now I was the one raising my voice. “Yes! I look at you sometimes. I think you’re beautiful and I’m only human, but that doesn’t mean…”
When I noticed the pain in Rosie’s expression, I softened my demeanor a little. “What I mean to say is…you’re just not her, Rosie. You’re not Leah, and I’m not ready for this. I haven’t even accepted that Leah is gone, let alone think about becoming involved with someone else.”
I held her gaze for a moment, waiting for her to speak. She bore an appearance of both anguish and irritation. Silence hovered between us like a thick and impenetrable wall. I wished I could reach for her to console her, but I was afraid she’d take any affectionate gesture the wrong way.
“I’m sorry…” I eventually said.
Rosie’s eyes moistened with tears. “I’ll just go back inside,” she muttered.
“You don’t have to,” I said, hoping she’d come back. I had been enjoying our conversation before the physical connection became too intimate. But Rosie was already climbing over the windowsill. She crawled through the opening and disappeared into the darkness of my bedroom, leaving me alone in silence again.
After Rosie’s footsteps faded away from inside the house, I whispered to myself, “Shit.”
I lingered on the rooftop for a few minutes, calming myself and trying to make sense of what just happened. Then, right as I was about to return to my bedroom, my phone buzzed in my jacket pocket. I considered ignoring it, but my heart lurched in my chest when I glanced at the screen.
It was Leah’s mom.
I lifted my phone to my ear. “Mrs. Herrington?” I asked immediately. There was no time for pleasantries.
“Hope I have the right number,” she said. “Is this—?”
“This is Danielle Kent,” I said. “Your daughter’s girlfriend.”
“Oh. Good…good. I hope it isn’t too late.”
“No. I’m fully awake.”
Leah’s mother coughed a few times. There was some rustling and muffled noise in the background. I pressed the phone close to my ear.
“Have you been watching the news?” she asked. “The frat boy was brought in as a suspect, but a couple others on Facebook think they have the wrong person. They think it was actually you.”
I cleared my throat. “…Was there a reason you called?”
“I need to ask a favor of you. It’s about Leah. I might have some helpful information.”
“What’s the favor?”
“Are you able to take a ride over to my place so we can talk?”
“Yes. I’ll figure out a way.”
“Sounds good. I’ll send you the address.”
Leah’s mother hung up.
With sudden urgency, I threw myself over the windowsill and stumbled onto my bedroom floor. I sprinted out into the hall and swung the guest room door open. “Rosie,” I said through heaving breaths. “We have to go.”
“Absolutely not,” Rosie said. “I’m not driving all the way to the west side this late. You just told me that there’s crime over there.”
“It’s only a fifteen-minute drive,” I replied. “I promise I won’t make us stay long.”
“Yeah, right.” Rosie paced in circles around the bedroom, which was dimly lit by a small lamp beside the bed.
“What if Leah’s mom knows something?” I said. “Am I supposed to just ignore that? Rosie, I can’t keep living like this. Even if Leah is dead, I need to know. Otherwise, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to her.”
Rosie closed her eyes and released a deep sigh. “Can’t we just go tomorrow morning?”
“I can’t wait that long,” I said. “How about I borrow your car? I can fill it up with gas on my way back.”
Rosie nearly gasped at that suggestion. “Oh, hell no. I’m not letting you drive to the other side of town alone.”
“Do you want to just wait in the car while I talk to the woman? I’ll keep my phone in my pocket in case I need you.”
Rosie groaned. “How will we even get out of here without your parents knowing? We’re pretty much trapped in here, aren’t we?”
“We’ll just have to be quiet. Come on. Grab your keys and follow me.”
I held Rosie’s hand and guided her quietly through the guest bedroom doorway. I stood still for a moment, listening for any signs of movement within the house. Sometimes, my parents’ mansion felt like one massive prison cell, a colossal dungeon in which every movement was not only heard, but felt. All the floors in the house were made of wood, so every light footstep sent an echo through the long, silent corridors. The master bedroom door was closed, so I assumed my parents had gone to bed already. With Rosie following close behind, I lead her toward the winding staircase. The wood whined and moaned below our feet, setting my teeth on edge.
I felt like a teenager again, recklessly sneaking around in order to assess control in my life. As frightening as it was, adrenaline pumped through me.
Shelter in the Dark Page 14
