by Chase, Nikki
I regulate my breathing to appear more steady, even though every cell in my body is screaming at me to run away from this scary-ass man. I say, “Not at all .”
I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I can’t let this go without one last fight. I can’t keep letting other people dictate what happens in my own life .
“You’ve caused a lot of trouble for us. Your brother came here this morning, accusing me and my son of deplorable things.” Dr. Kent’s face contorts in disgust. “He said we were taking advantage of you .”
“That’s not true,” I answer with conviction. My brother doesn’t get to tell me how to live my life .
“Be that as it may, he could make it appear like we have sinister motives against your family. This is not the first time he’s threatened us,” he says, alluding to what happened eight years ago .
“What did he say?” I ask .
“He said he was going to contact the media with the story. It was going to end up on trashy magazines. Something like that can really hurt a physician’s reputation, Miss Nolan. I’m sure you know that .”
I cast a glance at Gabe, who’s sitting silently beside me. Angry thoughts swirl like a violent vortex in my mind .
Does he have nothing to say? Does his dad speak for him? Isn’t he going to fight for me? Has he forgotten what he said about sticking by my side ?
“Your brother wanted Gabriel to leave the country again,” Dr. Kent continues .
“I don’t care what my brother says. If the story gets out, I’ll deny everything. I’ll make sure they know Gabe’s innocent .”
“Unfortunately, Miss Nolan, you can’t tell people what to think. I’m not a media expert, but this hospital has had its share of PR disasters, and I have a good idea of how these stories evolve. If you come up with your own statement, you’d probably just make it an even bigger story.” Dr. Kent gives me a condescending look and raises his eyebrows. “Maybe that’s what you want, huh? You want to be famous ?”
“No.” Stunned, I can’t even come up with a good defense against that ridiculous accusation .
I take another quick look at Gabe. He’s still sitting there quietly, looking straight at his dad .
Maybe I’m wrong about him. Maybe he’s nothing but a wimp who’d do anything for his dad’s approval .
“Your brother and I, we came to an agreement this morning,” Dr. Kent declares .
“My brother doesn’t speak for me.” I sit bolt upright on the edge of my seat, all my muscles tense and ready for action .
“My son will stay here in this hospital. He’s not going anywhere.” Dr. Kent ignores my protest. “As for you, Miss Nolan, I’ve arranged for you to get an internship position at Glencross Hospital .”
“But that’s… That’s in Chicago. That’s on the other side of the country,” I say, a little louder than I intended .
“It’s a prestigious hospital, Miss Nolan. Each year, there’s a lot of competition for the limited internship positions. I managed to get the residency director to agree to take you on .”
“I’m not going .”
“Miss Nolan, I think we’re all too old for tantrums. This is the best deal I can give you. You’re not going to persuade me to give your family more money by sulking .”
“Money?” Anger boils just under my skin .
Damn it, Ray. What did you do this time ?
“I’ll transfer $100,000 to your brother’s bank account as soon as you show up for your first day at Glencross Hospital,” Dr. Kent says matter-of-factly .
What? I can’t believe Ray blackmailed Dr. Kent again !
“Oh, did he not tell you about the money?” Dr. Kent asks with a mocking tone. “You can ask him about it. Ask for your share. As far as I can tell, you were the one who did most of the work anyway .”
“I didn’t know about the money, and I don’t want it,” I say, tears pricking my eyes. “This has never been about the money for me .”
I turn to Gabe and look at him pleadingly. Surely he knows I’m not after his family’s money and I really do have feelings for him, right? Even if I’m not Jacqueline Summers, but Jackie Nolan .
“Gabe…” I call out to him. The lump in my throat makes my voice come out all squeaky .
Finally, my love turns to look back at me. His green eyes are dark and stormy, but I can’t tell if he’s angry, disappointed, or something else .
He parts his lips—the same lips that I kissed only a few hours ago. When he speaks, it’s with the same voice that declared his love for me, the same voice that told me he was going to stick around after all is said and done. “It’s for the best,” he says .
Tears stream down my face. I can’t hold them back anymore. And I don’t care what Dr. Kent thinks about me any longer .
Without saying anything, I quickly stand up and let the legs of my chair drag noisily across the floor. As I slip out of the office, I wish I could disappear into a black hole and cease to exist .
That was the most embarrassing thing to have happened to me .
Not only that. The way Gabe looked at me… That’s going to haunt my dreams .
But I’ll get over him. Because it turns out he’s nothing but a spineless coward .
That’s worse than a liar .
Sam
Age: ???
I know.
I shouldn’t have done that .
That much is clear .
My problems were temporary, and I should’ve been able to fix them, had I been in a healthy state of mind .
I scan my bedroom .
Everything looks normal, just as it always has… except for my lifeless body, lying just a couple of feet away .
I should feel regret, now that I realize I was wrong. But as I dig deep within me, there’s nothing. No relief; no sadness. I’m completely devoid of emotions .
I marvel at my own composure as Gabe and Jackie pound on my bedroom door. I try to answer when they scream out my name, but they can’t hear me, no matter how loud I yell back .
But that’s okay .
It’s not a big deal, guys. I’m already dead and lying in a pool of my own blood. You can’t help me anyway .
I take a moment to appreciate how level-headed they are, even in the face of crisis. They’re calling the cops now .
It has now been more than 24 hours since they last saw me. They know I’m in here because the door is locked and they can hear my phone ringing, but obviously I haven’t responded to any of their panicked pleas. Normally, I would have .
Gradually, their screams get softer and their knocking, too. They stay just outside my door, Gabe telling Jackie everything’s okay. He’s a great guy, but he’s wrong about that .
The cops finally force open my door. They recoil in shock when they see my cold corpse. Before anyone can stop her, Jackie slips forward between the grown-ups. Her eyes widen in shock, and they quickly fill with tears .
“No,” Jackie says, her voice breaking. “No, no, no, no …”
She rushes to my side—my body’s side, I should clarify—but the cops hold her back .
“This is a potential crime scene, Miss,” one of the two men in uniform says as his partner comes forward, presumably to deliver first aid. It’s way too late for that now, buddy .
“But that’s my brother right there,” Jackie says between sobs .
“I’m a doctor,” Gabe says to the cop, who nods at him, giving him permission to approach .
As a medical intern, Gabe has seen some blood. But he’s probably never seen this much blood pouring out of someone he knows .
He takes nervous, hurried steps toward me—my body—and takes my pulse. Within seconds, his face falls. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows. He makes eye contact with one of the cops and slowly shakes his head .
Jackie’s sobs turn into pitiful wails, and even Gabe is tearing up .
But still, I feel nothing .
It’s as if we’re all playing a game of poker and I’ve fold
ed, so I don’t get to play anymore. I’m just an outsider. An observer. The outcome of the game doesn’t concern me now .
I recognize that I shouldn’t have used the gun—Gabe’s gun. That becomes crystal clear when my family starts to blame my suicide on him. I feel no remorse, but I understand now that it wasn’t fair or necessary to drag him into this .
Hell, if anything, my family should thank Gabe. Having him in my life had probably made life bearable for a little longer .
I’d been thinking about suicide for a long time. I would’ve done it eventually. Having Gabe’s gun in my hands did make it easier, but I could’ve sliced my wrists with a kitchen knife instead. Or jumped off a bridge. Or sat in the car with carbon monoxide slowly filling the enclosed space .
But what can I say ?
I killed myself, so I wasn’t exactly thinking straight at the time .
Would I have done it if I knew things were going to turn out like this ?
I don’t know. It doesn’t take long for me to forget what it feels like to be alive, to have emotions .
It’s hard to even imagine closing my eyes and going to sleep now. I’m awake all the time. I see everything .
Like a detached viewer of a reality TV show, I watch as my dad goes after Dr. Kent’s money, threatening to destroy his son’s reputation (and his own by proxy) by telling the media he’d been bullying and abusing me .
Nothing could be further from the truth .
Jackie knows, of course. Ever the sane one of the family, she tries to talk sense into them. But of course they don’t listen. She’s just a teenager .
Besides, my dad’s business—which used to thrive and had bought us this nice, big house—hasn’t been doing well lately .
On top of that, he’s come to hate my mom. He wants to leave her, but divorce costs money—money that Dr. Kent is able to supply .
So the divorce comes as no surprise. It’s almost as predictable as everyone in the family living off the settlement money from Dr. Kent, except for Jackie. Dad fucks off to who-knows-where, blowing his cash on booze and prostitutes .
And so, as if I’m watching one of Mom’s mind-numbing daytime reality TV shows, I observe the drama unfold .
I never would’ve expected Mom to react the way she does, though. Unlike Dad and Ray, she blames herself for being away so much, and she has mentally broken down .
She even has a fucking doll that she calls “Sam.” Maybe I wouldn’t have developed my own mental issues, had she treated me like she cares for this doll .
The other thing I never expected is Gabe and Jackie .
It makes sense, of course. She has always had a crush on him, and he has always cared for her .
I thought it wasn’t going to happen because of how much younger Jackie was compared to Gabe. But it didn’t occur to me that she’d find him again. I thought she’d grow out of her crush and find some other guy .
They’re happy together. Even I feel slight tingles when I see them laughing together. I hadn’t seen them laugh or even smile much since my suicide .
I thought the dust had finally settled. But now my action from eight years ago is hurting the people I love—again .
I’m depriving my two favorite people in the whole world of the one thing they really want. I’m tearing them apart, turning their love story into a nightmare .
Still, I’m rooting for Gabe and Jackie. When she’s safe and happy by his side, maybe I can finally say that I’ve fixed my mistake. Maybe after that, I can rest in peace .
Jacqueline
“W hat have you done?” I march across our spacious entryway and into the living room, where Mom and Ray are sitting in front of the TV, watching the Kardashians like it’s just another day .
“Oh, honey, you’re home,” Mom says cheerfully, completely oblivious to my distress. She pats on the empty space on the couch next to her. “Come here. Sit down. Too bad Sam doesn’t like this show, otherwise I’d have all my children in the same room together.” She pauses and lights up. “Oh, I know. I’ll ask him what he wants to watch .”
“Sam can’t watch TV anymore where he is, Mom.” Normally, I’d let Mom stay in her delusion, but I’m exhausted. I’m so tired of pretending, so tired of being the only one who’s even trying to make things better .
“Well, of course he can’t, silly.” Mom gets up to leave the room. “Sam’s in his bedroom and there’s no TV there. That’s why I should drag him out here .”
I stand there behind the long couch Ray’s lying on, waiting for the acknowledgement I deserve .
I’ve literally lost both my dream job and the love of my life because of what he’s done. He owes me my old life, but the least he can give me now is an apology and an explanation .
“Ray.”
“You know,” he says, finally acknowledging my presence, “Mom doesn’t usually make sense. But technically, if she has a shovel and some form of transportation to the cemetery, she could dig Sam up and drag him out here.” He chuckles at his own tasteless joke .
“Ray,” I repeat in a serious tone. Anger boils hot inside me, threatening to erupt at any time .
“What is it?” He pulls his gaze away from the screen and stares at me. There’s no remorse in his eyes. It doesn’t look like I’m going to get that apology .
“What did you think you were doing?” I ask .
“I was just solving all of our problems.” Ray sounds annoyed. Obviously, he’s not happy about me I’m interrupting his enjoyment of the full, curvy asses of reality TV stars being paraded on the screen .
“By sending me away to the other side of the country?” I ask incredulously .
“You’re focusing on the wrong thing, little sister,” he says mockingly. “We need money, and I got us some money .”
“You have no shame.” I shake my head .
“What’s there to be ashamed about?” Ray asks. “I got what I wanted, and that’s all that matters .”
“How could you blackmail Dr. Kent again? Didn’t you get enough the first time?” I grab the foam in the back of the sofa, clutching at it until my knuckles turn white .
“Correction: that was all Dad, the first time. Not me. I was just driving him around and following his lead.” Ray’s answer is nonchalant. It’s like he doesn’t have even an ounce of empathy. He adds, “So you see, this is my first time, although I did benefit from the training Dad gave me .”
I glower at him, my whole body shaking with anger. I want to punch, kick, or hurt something. But that’ll only make Ray feel like he’s won .
“Come on, little sister, don’t look so outraged,” Ray says condescendingly. “You’re being selfish .”
“I’m being selfish? Are you kidding me right now?” I’m screaming, I realize. My self-control is slipping away .
“You know this money will go a long way toward covering Mom’s expenses—and some of mine. You said you couldn’t afford to get fired because you had to pay our bills, right?” he asks. “This way we don’t have to worry about that anymore, and you can still keep your job—well, maybe not that same job, but one that’s just as good. This is the perfect solution .”
“The perfect solution?” I ask. “You selfish prick. What about Dr. Kent? What about Gabe? What about me? You don’t care, because nobody else matters but you .”
“I told you I got that money for both Mom and me. You’re the selfish one here. You were just about to move out and leave us. Who do you think was going to take care of Mom when you moved out?” Ray pauses. A sneer creeps across his face. “Oh wait, you’re not moving in with him anymore, are you? That’s too bad, little sister. But I bet you can easily find a new boyfriend in Chicago .”
I can’t stand this anymore .
I grab my shoulder bag, yank if off my shoulder, and throw it down on Ray’s stomach. I don’t usually say the f-word, but I can only think of one appropriate thing to say right now. “Fuck you !”
“Whoa, hey.” Ray flinches and looks shocked for a second
, but then he easily puts my bag aside on the rug on the floor .
He looks threatening when he gets up. For a few tense moments, we stand facing each other with only the couch between us .
In a calm, mocking voice, he says, “Looks like someone’s upset. What kind of language is that for a young doctor, huh? I think someone’s upset because nobody has to depend on her anymore .”
“What’s going on?” Mom asks when she runs into the living room with her doll in her arms, looking panicked. “Is everything okay ?”
“Everything’s fine, Mom,” Ray says, faking a smile as he keeps his mean stare on me .
“You both look a little tense.” Mom carefully puts the Sam doll down on the couch like it’s a real live baby, then she takes my bag from the floor and puts it on the same couch. “Come on. Sit down, kids.” Mom pats both Ray and me on the shoulder. “Come on. No fighting now .”
Ray and I haven’t stopped glaring at each other. It feels like a dumb staring contest, but I need a way to channel all this anger coursing through my veins .
“Here, Jackie.” Mom suddenly appears beside me. I didn’t even realize she’d left. Something hard, cold, and wet touches my hand. She says, “Have a drink. You’ll feel better .”
It’s a glass with wet condensation on the surface. A cool, clear liquid swishes around inside as I take it from Mom’s hand. Before I think about what I’m doing, I throw the drink in Ray’s face .
“You’re dead now,” Ray says menacingly. Water glides down his face, collects on his chin, and drips down onto the couch .
Shit.
I stay in place, frozen in fear .
What was I thinking? There’s no way for me to win a physical fight with my brother .
Ray grabs my arm, climbs up over the back of the couch, then jumps down beside me. For all his laziness, he doesn’t skip his workouts, and he’s a strong man .
“You’re hurting me,” I protest .
“Well, you hurt me first,” he says as he drags me up the stairs. “Maybe next time you’ll think twice about doing something like that to me. When you come home for a visit from Chicago, you’d better show me some respect .”
