by Kit Tunstall
Les cocked his head, giving him an assessing look. “No, I don’t think so, my love. It won’t be necessary. Something tells me our friend here is no stranger to rape. Maybe he fancies himself reformed.”
Shane squirmed under their scrutiny, unable to block out the memory of Mina’s battered face the last day on the farm. He’d been so enraged to find out she’d cheated on him, and he’d completely blown off all the changes he’d been trying to make. She had motivated them, and when he’d realized they meant nothing to her, that he meant nothing, he’d wanted to kill her. With the benefit of time and perspective, he accepted that he shouldn’t have confronted her right after hearing what she’d been discussing with Coop. He’d been too raw and wounded.
“Is my lover right, West? Are you a rapist and a stone-cold killer?” Her brown eyes burned with something that looked disturbingly like sexual interest.
Shane kept his face impassive. “Are we about done here? If so, I’ll get started searching the house.”
Les waved toward the door. “Go for it, West. Close the door behind you though. I know that look in my lady’s eyes. She needs some dick.”
Nausea churned in his stomach, and he closed the door tightly behind him, not even tempted to look back to see if they had started in on each other. He’d seen enough of their sickening lovey-dovey routine in various locales over the past few weeks.
He still gave the kids’ rooms a wide berth, moving toward the stairway. Izzie’s whimpers haunted him as he went to the second floor, and he was relieved to shut himself in the master bedroom. The door was thick and offered a barrier between him and the sounds of her suffering. He sank down the door until his buttocks were on the floor, back pressed against the wood. Leaning forward, Shane cradled his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut.
He should leave right now, while they were distracted. Except he knew they would kill him if they found him. Would they hunt him? He didn’t know. What he knew was Les took personal loyalty way too seriously, and he considered the men in his group his property. He wouldn’t be happy if Shane betrayed him by slipping away. Whether he would take it so personally as to track him down, he couldn’t guess.
Having seen some of the actions of the sadistic bastard over the past weeks, Shane knew he didn’t want to put himself in that position. If he ran, and they caught him, he would suffer before the end.
It was what he deserved. He knew that. Leaning his head back against the wood, he stared at the ceiling, but saw only the broken and ravaged Mina. He flinched as his memory conjured image after image of the ways he’d hurt her. Each hit, kick, or slap made him wince. If Les tortured him to death, it would be a just end.
But he wasn’t ready to surrender to that, or take the risk. Shane hated what he had done, but he wanted to live. He still wanted Mina. He had to get her back and make it up to her. He needed her to know how much he loved her, and he had to see for himself that she really loved him. She had to, the way she’d been sometimes.
He sighed, remembering the first time she had welcomed him without any threat on his part. He’d been coming to her bed for a few weeks by then, and he’d slipped in late at night, as he usually did. She’d been sleeping under a sheet, and when he’d peeled it back, he’d discovered his sweet Mina had left his gift unwrapped.
Shane had kissed and caressed her, enjoying exploring every inch of her skin. She had grown flushed and breathless under his fingers and mouth. Her center had been molten heat when he sank inside her, claiming her once again. That night, rather than look away from him as she usually did, their gazes had locked. He’d slowed his hips, wanting to make the moment last forever. There had been fear in her eyes, but it slowly faded to pure pleasure as he continued thrusting into her.
He had grasped her hands, holding them in his, and she had clutched him with equal intensity. He was sure, even now, that he hadn’t imagined the needy way she had clung to him, and he certainly hadn’t hallucinated her breathy moans, or the way her pussy convulsed around him as she came, whispering his name with quiet intensity. As he’d laid his head down beside hers, still holding her hands as he spilled himself inside her, she had turned her head and pressed the smallest kiss to his jaw.
Shane rubbed his hand down his face, surprised to find tears trickling from his eyes. The beauty of that night had buoyed him for days after. Just the smallest sign of her surrender had given him such hope. That was when he’d dared to start dreaming of the possibility that she might come to love him, that she would someday choose to be with him because she wanted him, and not just because he’d blackmailed her into.
“Forced,” he whispered aloud, making himself acknowledge the bald truth. He had forced Mina from the start, taking away her choices through violence and intimidation. No wonder she had suspected his tender overtures and hadn’t trusted him. He’d given her no reason to trust him.
He needed to make that right. Shane had to have another chance to show her he had changed, to prove his love for her. When the opportunity presented itself, he would slip away from Les’s group of psychos and make his way back to the farm. He knew it would scare her when he kidnapped her, and it would be another thing he’d have to make up to her, but he wasn’t naïve enough to believe she would just waltz off with him if he asked.
Abruptly, he realized he didn’t even want to kill Emme any longer. She had simply been protecting Mina, a job that should have been his. The ugly scar on his face would serve as a constant reminder of why he couldn’t give in to his darker urges. Once he had Mina again, he would protect her with his life. He’d never let anyone hurt her again, including himself.
He just hoped she wasn’t with Coop, because he knew he couldn’t control his reaction to that. Killing Coop would be another crime he’d have to add to his tab if they were together. He couldn’t let the other man live, knowing his friend loved Mina and would do everything in his power to get her back. They had been friends long enough for him to be absolutely sure that Coop would never stop looking for Mina if he was involved with her.
Forcing himself to face the truth, he admitted he’d have to kill Cooper anyway, if the chance presented itself. His friend could be relentless, and he would be driven to search for Mina regardless of what kind of relationship they had. Shane couldn’t convince Mina to focus on their future if she was always looking over her shoulder, waiting for her past to catch up with them.
The thought of killing Coop brought him no pleasure, but he viewed it as essential. Sometimes, the only choice available sucked, but it had to be done. Just as he had done with Danielle, he would put a bullet through Coop’s head, because it was necessary to spare further suffering.
Chapter Fifteen
Mina woke pressed close to Cooper. He had been her bedmate for the past few weeks, but she had been in her self-imposed haze and had remained largely unaware of the finer realities of sleeping with Coop. The time she had gone to him before, when Shane first initiated their relationship, had been different. For one thing, he’d always worn clothes before, as far as she knew. It had definitely been too cold for him to go shirtless while sleeping on the sun porch during the times she’d sought him out. As for the past few weeks, she really had no clue if he’d worn only his boxers to bed, or if last night had been the first time.
His chest was warm and solid, the fine brown hairs tickling her cheek and chin where she lay against him. The weight of his arm across her waist was reassuring, as was the way he cupped her hip in his hand. Peering up through the veil of her lashes, she discovered he was still sleeping. The calm expression made her heart race, and she had to restrain the urge to trace his features with a trembling hand.
He looked so different from Shane in her bed. The other man had rested peacefully beside her many nights, but there had always been a faint edge of anxiety, or something more difficult to identify, even in R.E.M. sleep. He’d also clung to her with desperation, as though she would disappear the moment he lifted his arm or hand.
She would hav
e gladly done that, so perhaps his subconscious had kept him alert to her sneaking away. Even in the deepest levels of slumber, maybe he’d realized he couldn’t trust her to stay beside him.
With Coop, she didn’t have the compulsion to roll away from his embrace. Mina didn’t have to force herself to remain still beside him, to regulate her breathing so he wouldn’t realize she was awake, thus putting off the inevitable waking that would bring her completely under his dominion again for another day.
Abruptly, she realized she didn’t have to fight the impulse to touch him. Biting her lip, Mina lifted the hand that had been resting on his forearm to his bicep, before trailing her fingers higher. He twitched as she stroked him lightly, and his deep breathing changed pattern to indicate he was slowly waking up.
She changed position slightly to angle her face closer to his, pressing her palm to his chest. His heart thumped steadily under her touch, and she waited with bated breath for his eyes to flutter open.
They did a moment later, and he appeared to be instantly alert. A smile creased his lips, and he tipped his head down to brush his nose against hers. “A man could get used to waking up like this.” His voice still held a note of sleep, making it a bit husky.
Mina smiled. “So could a woman.” Inching her head a bit higher, she brushed her lips against his, doing her best to ignore the slight flutters of panic in her chest. There was no reason to be afraid, she reminded herself firmly. Coop wouldn’t hurt her, and Shane wouldn’t catch them together. It didn’t matter if he suddenly barged in, because she was free from him.
Mina winced slightly when he grabbed a handful of her hair, catching his fingers in a tangle. As he cursed, trying to free himself without hurting her, she started giggling. As Coop finally extricated his hand, settling for putting it awkwardly on her upper back, her giggles escalated. It was strange to laugh, to feel any kind of enjoyment. Really, to feel anything. She had shied away from all emotions the past few weeks, because feeling good would still lead to feeling bad when she had to eventually process everything that had happened. She couldn’t filter out the bad emotions and only experience the good, so she had chosen to suppress them all. Mina hadn’t even let herself begin to feel the pain of losing her mother yet.
She was a weak, pathetic excuse for a woman.
The thought abruptly robbed her of any mirth, and she stopped laughing. The embrace that had previously been sweet, with the potential of becoming exciting, was now more of a trap. She couldn’t let him hold her like this and allow herself to pretend there could be more between them. Only a weak-willed loser let herself become totally dependent on someone else, especially knowing they wouldn’t be around for long.
Warring compulsions left her split internally. On one hand, she wanted to tear herself from his arms and impose much-needed distance, so she could regain perspective and remind herself of the harsh reality that Coop would never want her when he found out how depraved she was. Only knowing he would probably follow, insisting on offering comfort, or maybe even requesting an explanation she wasn’t ready to provide, kept her lying in the bed.
The other part of her urged her to ignore the truth, to snuggle closer and lose herself in the oblivion of Coop’s arms, even for a little while. She already knew she could have sex with him. They had done it before, when she had needed a way to escape having Shane’s baby. It could be mindless sensation. She didn’t have to think too deeply about anything. What guy would say no to a fuck? Even when he learned what he would have to know eventually, surely he wouldn’t be upset to have gotten some ass?
Mina grimaced, knowing her attempts to distance herself by using crude language and regarding it all as purely physical wouldn’t work. They hadn’t worked with Shane, a man she had never chosen to be with, so they sure wouldn’t work with Coop. He was the man she would have chosen, if circumstances had allowed that.
As though Coop had sensed her internal struggle—or more likely, he’d realized there was always something to be done on the farm, and the day was ticking away—he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and scooted back a bit, so he could get out of the bed without crushing her or trapping her beneath him.
Mina made herself get out of bed, having to fight the overwhelming urge to just climb back in, pull the covers over her head, and ignore the world for another day. She couldn’t allow herself the luxury, knowing she had already taken the first step toward recovering from the recent traumas. Considering how pathetic she was, it amazed her that she found the energy to move, both physically and emotionally.
Coop had slipped out before her so she could dress, and Mina loitered over the task, hoping to avoid the main breakfast crowd. Despite her slow washing, and even slower dithering over what to wear, she eventually had to leave her room. Her feet seemed to weigh a ton each as she trudged down the stairs and to the kitchen. Entering the room, she was relieved to see only Yu and Owen still at the table. It was double relief to see Yu, which boded well for the rest of the group having chosen to mind their business instead of interfere. Unless they had done something horrible, like banish Hector and force her to stay behind?
Before she could ascertain the outcome of the previous night’s argument, Owen had shoved in his last bite of oatmeal and was walking past her to put his bowl in the tub of water in the sink. She looked up when he paused beside her, looking uncomfortable. Mina braced herself, though she didn’t think she had anything to fear from the quiet man.
He shifted his bowl to one hand, running an awkward hand through his short blond hair with the other. “Listen, what Tony said…it’s bullshit.”
She gave him a small smile, her pulse settling slightly. “Thanks.”
He nodded, not speaking again as he dealt with his dishes and left the kitchen. After serving herself some of the congealing oatmeal, she sat beside Yu, who was nearly finished. “What happened?”
“They voted to let us stay.” Yu shrugged as though the outcome hadn’t mattered, but there was a trace of relief in her eyes. “It’s safer here, but I won’t put up with interference between us.”
Mina nodded. “I don’t think most of them understand how an experience like yours…ours…changes you. I’m glad you were able to find someone to make you happy. I envy that ability.”
Yu’s smile made her look younger than she probably would have liked. “It was easy. Hector is nothing like those rapists. It wasn’t difficult to separate what had happened from what he does. There is no comparison.” She patted her hand. “Once you realize Coop will never hurt you the way Shane did, you will be able to move on too. It’s not like breaking up with a boyfriend and having to deal with lingering emotions. Hatred is much clearer.”
Mina nodded, discovering her meager appetite had deserted her with Yu’s reminder that she should feel nothing for Shane beyond hate. Hate was easy. She had that in spades after he had killed her mother. Unfortunately, there was more underneath besides hatred. She would never identify it as love, but she couldn’t pretend that she had never felt anything for the man who had used her body for so many months. When he had become tender, and when he had focused on the task of seducing her into accepting him, she had been too weak to remain immune.
No one else could understand that. How could they? She didn’t understand it herself. It made no sense to have conflicting feelings for Shane, especially after the way he had hurt her and killed her mother the last day he was on the farm. That didn’t make it any easier to sort out her feelings, and she longed to go back to pretending she had none. Giving up the good to avoid the bad had been a small price to pay, and she bitterly regretted her decision to return to the land of the fully functioning, even if it had been for Yu.
She supposed slipping back to that state was unjustifiable, even to her weak self. Forward was the only way to go, but she wished it would be easy and straight, instead of winding and full of confusion.
“What happens now with you and Hector?” she managed to ask after swallowing a sodden ball of oatmeal that had l
odged in her throat.
Yu shrugged. “I don’t know, except he’s moving into the basement with me.”
Mina blinked. “Won’t that be awkward with Valeria?”
“Especially since she tried to shoot him?” Yu nodded, with the smallest trace of a smile on her lips. “It wouldn’t be good for Hector or Val, so she’s moving out.”
“To the bunkhouse?” Mina couldn’t hide her doubts. Valeria wasn’t likely to do well surrounded by so many men, even though they were all trustworthy.
“Nah, Kelly offered up her trundle bed.”
“Oh, that was surprisingly generous of her,” said Mina with a tiny grin. “I hope Valeria can stand being her roommate. She can be a bit irritating.”
“So can Val.” Yu sighed. “I love her like a sister, and I’m grateful for the ways she protected me when she could, but she is so bossy and controlling. She refuses to see me as more than a little girl, and she still views Hector as a predator. I hope she can rein in the need to ‘protect’ me, before it becomes an issue between us.”
“Give her some time.” Mina set down the spoon, giving up on eating. “It’s a big adjustment for her.” At Yu’s nod of agreement, she folded her hands on her lap and waited for her friend to finish eating, while trying to prepare herself for going outside. All the pep talks in the world couldn’t convince her that she wanted to face everyone, and only a need to prove she wasn’t quite as feeble as she knew she was made her stand up and follow the other girl from the kitchen a bit later.
The sun was bright, reflecting off the snow on the ground. It was cold, and she was glad for the warm coat she had nabbed on her way outside. Realizing it was the same one Shane brought her in the stables months ago made her grimace. Would she ever be able to move past all that and not think about him, or what he’d done, practically every minute of the day? She knew her own advice to Yu applied to her as well. Giving it time was logical, but she didn’t know if it would ever work. Was there enough time in the world to recover from Shane?
