by Kit Tunstall
“I…” Summoning a deep breath, she gave her sister a briefer account of what she had admitted to Coop. She was unsurprised by Emme’s visible anger. “Do you see why he has to hate me? He can’t really forgive that.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” said Emme crisply. “I don’t know that I really believe you cared so much as you were trying to protect yourself, but even if you did care for him a bit, Coop must view it as I do. That was between you and Shane.” She almost spat his name. “He’s never coming back, and whatever you felt is dead now. You said it yourself that you could never care for him again after what he did to Mom.”
Mina nodded, feeling encouraged by her sister’s acceptance. It wasn’t as important to figure out if Emme was completely sincere or just saying what she thought was best to keep Mina from flinging herself off the roof since she wasn’t planning to share an intimate life with her sister. She could more easily accept and embrace her absolution, especially knowing Emme had been the one who’d tried to save their mother, who had dealt with the blood and the wound up-close. If she could forgive Mina, then it seemed at least plausible that Coop could feel the same.
*****
Coop knocked on Emme’s door that evening, as she had requested. She waited with a pan of warm water, sprinkled with some kind of herbs. “Put your hands in there.” She was still making no effort to mask her disapproval, but her manner had softened. She had been aggrieved when he’d sought her out earlier to help him clean and dress the mess he’d made of his knuckles.
Coop plunged his fingers into the metal basin, hissing as the myriad cuts began to sting. “What is that? Acid?”
She snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. It will help reduce the risk of infection.” Emme’s expression softened. “I have a better idea now why you behaved that way.”
He arched a brow, still smarting from the burn of the water, but determined not to lift out his hands until she gave the go-ahead. “Yeah?”
“She told me.”
He didn’t need clarification to grasp who had told her what exactly. “Oh.”
“Tell me why you did it?” Her voice was calm, but there was a hint of threat beneath.
“I was angry as hell at Shane and…” He trailed off, hating to admit the truth, but feeling like he should be honest with her. “Mina. I was disgusted that she had cared for him.”
She slammed a bottle of something down on the table harder than necessary. “Maybe she didn’t really feel anything for him, but even if she did, do you think she wanted to? It was probably the only way she could make the situation tolerable—”
He held up a hand. “Whoa, hang on. I know that, Emme. I understand why she thought she felt that way, but it was still a shock. I had to process and move on. You know?”
“Put your hand back in the water,” she said after a moment. “And I get that. Have you?”
“I have.”
She pointed a pair of sharp scissors in his general direction. “You’d better make damned sure you have. Be sure you’ve sorted it all out and don’t care about that before you go back to her, Cooper. If you can’t deal with it, she needs to know now. You can’t lock it in and then one day spring it on her when your disgust and anger erupts. Be completely certain it isn’t an issue before you continue your relationship.”
Not for the first time, he found her a bit intimidating. “Yes, ma’am.” It wasn’t sarcasm. Rather, the words were a show of respect he had learned in the Army. “I’m certain I have dealt with my negative reactions. I don’t care if she loved Shane. It won’t matter, except I’m afraid it will keep her from loving me.” He hated the weak admission, but it had hovered in the back of his mind for too long. “What if she can’t recover? Or if she does recover and realizes she doesn’t really want me either? I was just plan B, who made her feel safe?”
Emme eyed him without speaking for a long moment before taking one of his hands from the basin to wrap gently in a towel. “I don’t think you have to worry about that. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult to help her get past everything, but it seems clear that you two love each other, and you’ll end up together in the end.”
“I wish I could be certain.”
“There are few certainties in life, Coop. No promises. All you can do is hope and plan and grasp tightly to what you have. Cling so hard that bitch Fate won’t even think about trying to rip it away from you.” Her eyes had burned intensely for a moment, but with a blink, her expression softened, and her tone lightened. “And if that fails, you can always keep her in bed.”
He smiled in reply, but had already decided he wouldn’t be trying to get anywhere near her bed for a while, until he was absolutely certain she really wanted to make love. After yesterday morning, when he had almost made love to her before he was fully awake, he couldn’t risk being that close. The proximity was too tempting, and rushing her would do more harm than good. He could delay physical gratification until she was ready. It might kill him, and he was likely to develop calluses on both palms, but he could do it. There was no other choice.
Chapter Eighteen
She had lost him. Mina could tell. He was still sweet with her, his words tender and emotive, but he didn’t touch her. His hand might brush against hers, and he would usually press a kiss to her brow when he came to her room, and when he left, but that was it. For the past six days, he’d had some kind of excuse as to why he couldn’t stay for long, and he never came to her room anymore to hold her at night.
The nightmares were back and worse than ever. She didn’t know if she should be relieved that they had more often than not shifted to scenes of Coop rejecting her rather than Shane hurting her. The loss of Coop left her more emotionally ravaged and raw than the worst thing Shane had ever done to her.
Trying to tell herself it was for the best, she faked a smile and waved at the departing Humvee containing Coop and the rest of the scavenging team. Part of her wanted to run screaming after the vehicle until he pulled over, so she could tell him she loved him, but understood he didn’t feel the same anymore. If she did that, she feared she would cling to him instead and beg him to at least pretend to love her. That would be too humiliating, even for the weakling she had become, so she forced herself to turn away and go back into the kitchen instead.
As the day passed, she couldn’t help keeping an anxious eye out for the scavengers, hoping Coop and the others returned safely. There was so much she wanted to say to him that the thought of losing him before she had the chance brought tears to her eyes.
She’d already lost him, Mina reminded herself with vicious ruthlessness. Coop still cared about her, but he’d clearly decided he couldn’t have a relationship with her. He was just too honorable to tell her that when he feared she might try to kill herself again. No doubt, her actions with Shane had left him too repulsed.
That caused a spark of anger she took out on the old wooden table, scrubbing fiercely as she muttered under her breath. What right did he have to make that judgment? He hadn’t been the one in her position. Could Coop have withstood the nightly assaults on his body through the most seductive acts and remained hard and cold? Could he have endured hearing all the whispered confessions and revelations about someone without feeling a bit of compassion or sympathy? If so, did she really want to be with him anyway?
Mina paused in the middle of scrubbing, staring down at a knothole in the corner of the table. Of course she wanted to be with Coop, but only if he could accept all of her, even the shamed part of her that had come to care for her tormentor. He clearly couldn’t handle that.
Moving more slowly, she finished cleaning the table, deciding it was better to know now. She would always love Coop, but she couldn’t pretend to be someone she wasn’t, or hide how she had felt about Shane, even with all the confliction he’d caused her. When he returned, she would be sure to tell him that. Mina knew she had to give him the verbal go-ahead to forget about her and absolve himself of any responsibility toward her. He deserved to be happy,
and so did she.
Her epiphany left her feeling stronger than she had for months, both physically and emotionally. Mina felt a lightening of the burdens she had carried as she realized she didn’t have to be miserable forever. Nor did she have to carry around a load of guilt for loving Shane. Maybe it hadn’t been normal to start to care for the man who’d raped her, but who could define “normal” in those circumstances? There was no guidebook or how-to manual to navigate the emotionally fraught scenario.
Mina knew she wasn’t completely blameless. She bore a measure of responsibility for telling Shane she loved him, even if she hadn’t completely meant it. She had furthered muddled the situation by sleeping with Coop, but she still didn’t regret that. Her culpability didn’t excuse everything Shane had done to her and had forced her to do. It wasn’t her fault he had killed her mother. None of it had been her choice, especially not the beginning, and not the end.
Having heard that from other people hadn’t been the same as believing it herself. As it sank in that she had little reason to feel guilty, that she truly had been victimized, some of the loathing and self-hatred she’d been carrying around fell away. Mina sank into the nearest chair, feeling a tickling sensation in her chest. It alarmed her for a second, until she realized it was a precious little bubble of happiness. She didn’t feel it completely, but she knew that someday, in the future, she could feel happy again. With or without Coop—though she’d much rather have him by her side. Still, it was a relief to know she could accept his rejection and move on, though it would be painful and difficult.
They returned a short time later, and she emerged from the house in time to see three new arrivals piling out of the Humvee with Dana, Coop, and Hector. Owen moved forward to help Hector provide support for the huge black man leaning against him. Together, they maneuvered the guy toward the house as he limped along, his ankle looking swollen even from where she stood.
She paid little attention to the new arrival as her gaze returned to Coop. He was carrying a willowy woman in his arms. Her glossy black hair brushed against his waist when she laid her head on his shoulder. As they got closer, Mina’s stomach tightened. The woman was beautiful, with flawless porcelain skin and bright blue eyes. Jealousy burned in her as she observed the way that woman clung to Coop, her hands grasping his shoulders.
With a sharp exhale, she turned to follow Hector, Owen, and the other man into the house, pausing just long enough to allow a little boy to slip in before her. His dark hair and blue eyes suggested he was related to the woman Coop held so carefully. She didn’t look at him as she held the screen door until he caught it with his shoulder, offering no further assistance as he carried in the other woman. It was irrational to feel betrayed by him when he was just carrying someone who must be injured, but she couldn’t help feeling a bit like a sullen teenager. Possibly because she still was a teenager, though she hadn’t felt like it for months, and her attitude was certainly bordering on surly.
Emme came down the stairs as they settled the man in a chair at the table. Mina hid her grimace of annoyance when Coop laid the woman on the table she had just scrubbed, knowing it was a petty reaction.
“We found them holed up in a sporting goods store,” said Dana.
“Did you run into trouble?” asked Owen, his gaze on the man’s swollen ankle.
“Not us, but they’d had a run-in with a group a few days ago.” Dana put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Kaden was the only one who didn’t get hurt.”
“What happened?” asked Mina, curiosity overwhelming her desire to leave the kitchen and pretend as though she hadn’t seen her Coop holding the other woman so tenderly.
“Holly is one helluva shot.” The man grimaced as he shifted. “We ran into a group of fourteen when we stopped to raid a grocery store. They had dishonorable intentions, and we weren’t going to stand for that.”
“Mommy shot them,” said the little boy, his eyes wide with admiration.
“Only two of them,” said Holly demurely. Her voice was the perfect pitch and made her that much more attractive, even to Mina, who had no interest in women. “Des shot at the others, and they returned fire. I’m sure they had some injuries, and we certainly did. After a day-long standoff, they moved on.”
“We quickly—well, as quick as we could—got out of that store and found a safer place to hide until we recovered.”
Emme was staring at the man, her brow scrunched in concentration. Suddenly, she gasped. “You’re Desmond Tremartin.”
He gave her a small grin, and even Mina could see the glimmer of interest in Desmond’s eyes as he took in her sister’s silvery hair. “Yep.”
“Who’s that?” asked Hector.
“Arena football. The Arizona Rattlers.” Emme’s cheeks flamed with color. “I never missed a game when I lived in Tempe. Even the away games, if they were a reasonable driving distance.”
His smile widened, the white teeth a beautiful contrast to the rich onyx of his skin. “What were you doing in Tempe?”
“Going to school at SCNM.”
He nodded. “You’re a naturopath.”
Despite the way Holly was clinging to Coop’s hand and giving him looks she though inappropriate for someone you had just met, Mina almost giggled at the way Emme’s face lit up with pleasure. It must be the way Desmond had recognized her school and major without requiring an explanation.
Desmond looked relieved. “Good. Maybe you can fix us up?”
“I can try.” Her expression returned to businesslike as she asked about their injuries.
To Mina’s dismay, her sister treated Desmond first, leaving Holly plenty of time to cling to Coop’s hand and whimper every few minutes in a way that guaranteed he always patted her hand and made a soothing sound.
After wrapping up Desmond’s severely sprained ankle, she tended to the shallow bullet graze arcing down Holly’s hip and thigh. Mina pursed her lips as the other woman had casually slipped off her pants, seemingly not at bothered by the men in the kitchen. Turning away, she left the kitchen, not bothering to contribute to the conversation happening between Kelly and Coop, as they figured out where the new arrivals would sleep.
She’d like Holly to sleep on the other side of the gate, at least five hundred miles away. Mina didn’t like her. There was a good chance it was simply jealousy, she admitted to herself, since Coop seemed to like her just fine. Her heart stuttered when she realized there was a strong possibility Coop would pick that woman to move on with after Mina assured him it was okay with her.
Tempted to not let him off the hook, and to admit she wasn’t just fine with his desertion after he’d learned all the ugly facts, she shook her head. No, that wouldn’t be right. She’d already decided she couldn’t be with Coop unless he accepted all of her, and she had no right to deny him a shot at happiness with someone who wasn’t burdened down with enough emotional baggage to derail a luggage car.
*****
Mina did her best to be nice to Holly over the next few days. The other woman was intelligent and funny. She was polite to everyone and seemed like she would fit in just fine around the farm. She was also a good mother and a hard worker.
Mina still hated her. She couldn’t help the reaction every time she saw them together, which happened frequently. Either Holly had imprinted on Coop because he’d rescued her, or she wanted him. Either way, she seemed to seek him out at every available opportunity. In response, Mina started shying away from him.
Not that Coop seemed to be yearning for her company. He was still evasive when they were thrown together, and he never came to her room at night. As the days passed, Mina had to admit she didn’t really hate Holly. She just hated that Coop could be happy with her. Mina had to find the courage to release him completely, just in case Coop was holding off making a move out of a sense of responsibility.
She found him in the front yard at the Humvee, doing a last-minute check of the fluid levels before he and several others headed out for another supply run. T
heir last attempt hadn’t been very successful, aside from bringing Des, Holly, and Kaden to the farm.
“Coop?”
He looked up, giving her a smile that seemed a little forced as he put the dipstick back into the engine. “Hello, Mina. How are you doing today?”
“Fine.” Surprisingly, she was. Mina wasn’t going to miraculously heal overnight, but she was doing better each day. In fact, she planned to visit her mother’s grave next, a place where she hadn’t returned since Janie’s burial. “Is everything ready?”
He nodded, though looked disheartened. “I don’t know how much point there is to runs these days, Mina. Everything is picked clean, though Desmond is going to show us an area we haven’t been through yet.”
Her stomach jolted with apprehension. “Is that a good idea? What happens if you run into that group he and Holly ran up against?”
Coop lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know, but we need so many things, not the least of which is more ammo. Des thinks we might luck out at a pawnshop near where they were hunkered down. It had a lot of ammo when they stopped to check it out, and even after they restocked for their weapons, there was still plenty. Who knows if that other group found the shop though?”
She frowned. “I still don’t like it.”
“Neither do I.” The Humvee hood slammed shut. “That doesn’t mean we have a choice.”
She sighed. “Yeah, I understand that.”
His expression softened. “I know you do, honey. No one understands lack of options better than you.”
She swallowed. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you, Coop.”
He looked a little anxious as he crossed his arms. “What’s on your mind?”
“I want you to be happy.” She blurted it out and forced herself to press on before the courage could desert her. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to me in any way. You don’t owe me anything.”
His brow furrowed. “What?”
“I just…you should be happy with whomever you chose. I understand how you feel. I might feel the same way in your position.” She blinked to suppress the hot burn of tears. “I’d like to think I’d feel differently, that it wouldn’t bother me so much, but I guess that’s not true, since I feel the same way when you’re with her that you must have felt knowing about him.” She was babbling incoherently and could see his confusion.
