by Jill Shalvis
His pulse pounded as he dragged his gaze up to hers and their eyes latched. And she mesmerized him with her need, seduced him with that slow, savage burn.
The snap on her jeans popped, and his blood leaped in expectation. The zipper rasped in the scorching silence, while his blood surged hard in his ears.
She rose to her feet and stepped aside. His gaze fell to her flat, satiny belly, to the provocative arch of her hips. Her thumbs hooked the waistband of her jeans and she inched them over her legs, down her long, lean muscles and velvet skin. His fingers curled, then flexed, yearning to skim the curving length.
His gaze fastened on the final scrap of lace glimmering in the dim light. His breathing grew labored and his heart rammed against his rib cage.
She pushed the lace down, then kicked it free. His feverish gaze swept over her, lingering on the dark thatch between her thighs and the luscious peaks of her breasts. Desire ripped through him, urgent and hot.
His gaze drove into hers. And he saw the answering heat, the clawing need. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes sultry-with arousal and something more.
She stood before him, completely naked, exposed to his fervent gaze. Hiding nothing. Vulnerable.
The look faded from her eyes, but he felt the effects down to his soul. As if she’d reached out and twisted his heart. And instincts surged, beyond lust, to the deep-seated need to protect her, to guard her heart and keep her safe.
Thick, fierce emotions wadded his chest, and suddenly, he knew that this moment was different. That they’d experienced a connection, an honesty they’d never shared before.
But then she lowered herself to him, sliding her bare legs over his hips, and the sight of her naked skin on his fully clothed body emptied his mind. She rubbed against him, stroking the hard, rigid length of him in a movement so erotic that pleasure bolted straight to his groin.
He cupped her breast and watched her limpid eyes close. Her head tipped back and her full lips parted. Her wild hair tumbled over her back.
His body was rock hard now, his muscles rippling with impatience. “Jordan.” His voice sounded dredged from the earth.
“Yes.” She shifted to one side and unzipped his pants. And the feel of her gentle hands on him nearly made him weep.
Almost unable to form a coherent thought, he grasped for sanity. He forced his throat to work. “Jordan, wait. I-I don’t have anything, any protection.”
Her eyes met his, and he saw the flash of pain. And he remembered when they hadn’t needed protection, when they’d made love skin to skin.
“It’s all right,” she said. “It’s not the right time.”
“But-”
“It’s all right, Cade. I promise.” And then she slid over him and took him slowly into her body. Into the hot, tight flesh, to the delirium of pleasure. And the protests died in his throat.
He gave in and surrendered to rapture. And she moved against him, scalding him with her heat, stoking the flames, creating a need so violent that it dragged a groan from his heart.
He surged upward, driving into her, and felt her unravel. Her breath came in shallow gasps, her forehead furrowed. Her eyes closed and her lips parted, and she let out a keening cry.
He hooked his arm around her neck and pulled her face down to his. And then he fused his mouth to hers, claiming her, branding her with a deep, torrid kiss with no restraints. Honest and savage and raw.
And then he gave one last thrust and exploded inside her. Waves of pleasure jolted his senses. Dire need melded with bliss. He was where he belonged, with the woman he loved.
And as the tremors slowly ebbed, and the urgency subsided back into need, he wondered again how she could have left him, how she could have tossed this amazing love away.
The whomp of an approaching helicopter crept into the silence. It grew louder, its rotors thumping as it passed over the cave. Their ride home had finally arrived. And the spurt of relief he felt was mixed with a strange reluctance.
Jordan lifted herself to her knees, looking dazed, then wobbled to her feet. Her gaze met his for an instant, guilty and grim, and then it skittered away.
And his frustration surged. What the hell did that look mean? Was she suddenly having regrets? She was the one who’d insisted.
Tired of her games, he rolled to his feet and zipped his pants. And without warning, the weight of the past ordeal pressed upon him. His body felt flayed, his stomach empty. Pain rammed his skull. His shoulder shuddered and ached.
And the futility of it all overwhelmed him, draining the last trace of pleasure from his blood. And he felt angry, damned angry. He was tired of being jerked around, sick of her damned evasions. Always wondering, never knowing. And he wanted answers now.
He turned to face her. She’d put on her jeans and bra, and had her T-shirt poised in her hand. Her gaze met his, and she paused.
His jaw hardened. His stomach clenched, and he moved deliberately closer. She stepped back. He leaned into her space, trapping her, until her dark eyes widened and her skin paled under the ashes. The scent of their lovemaking lingered in the air, stoking his anger into rage.
“So,” he said, his voice completely flat. “Just why the hell did you leave?”
Chapter 15
Jordan felt the blood drain from her face, and she froze. She stared into Cade’s furious blue eyes, her heart beating a fast, irregular rhythm against her throat. This wasn’t how she’d wanted to tell him. Not with him angry. Not with the helicopter circling outside.
Not when the most tender, exquisite experience of her life still pulsed in her nerves, lovemaking so perfect that it had shattered her heart.
Hardly breathing, she dropped her gaze to the T-shirt balled in her fist. She pried her fingers loose and shook it out, feeling suddenly exposed. Needing to regain some distance, she pulled the soiled shirt over her head and smoothed it down.
And braced herself for the confrontation. Even if the timing wasn’t ideal, Cade needed to know the truth. He’d deserved to hear it ten guilty years ago.
And she couldn’t put it off any longer.
Her stomach tensing, she forced her gaze up to his. A muscle in his cheek ticked, and his lean jaw tightened beneath the stubble.
She hitched in an unsteady breath. “When you left on that last trip, I…I was pregnant.”
He blinked. Then his jaw slackened, and for a second he looked stunned, as if she’d said the last thing he’d ever expected.
But then his expression stilled and his eyes turned blank. His wide shoulders stiffened, and she realized he’d misunderstood.
“Cade, no.” She reached out to touch his arm and he flinched back. His rejection flayed her, like a whip on her raw nerves. “I didn’t…I mean, I lost the baby. I miscarried. I didn’t-” Oh, God. “I never would have had an abortion.”
A dull red stain inched up his neck, but his expression only turned colder. And she realized she was botching it badly. Everything was coming out wrong.
She twisted her hands, then rubbed her palms on her thighs, searching for a way to explain. “I found out just after you left.”
“And you didn’t think I needed to know?”
The flat fury in his tone made her cringe. “Of course I did. I wanted to tell you right away. I was so happy and excited, and I wanted that baby so badly. But I wanted to tell you in person, to see your face when I broke the news.”
She had envisioned that romantic moment, had played it all out in her head. The music and candles. The tenderness in his sexy blue eyes. The joy.
“I thought you’d be coming back soon,” she whispered.
She searched his eyes, hoping for some sign of softness, but his hard face stayed unrelenting. And a sinking feeling filled her gut. He wasn’t going to make this easy-which was probably what she deserved.
“And then, when you called to tell me you’d gone to Alaska, I just…I felt abandoned, betrayed.” Crushed by the anger and hurt. Dazed that the man she had trusted had left her, and that her worst fear had fin
ally come true.
She forced air into her lungs. “I started cramping after that. And I…”
She closed her eyes, remembering the panic and fear. She’d been nineteen years old and surrounded by strangers, more alone than she’d felt in her life.
She clutched her trembling hands together, then gestured, helpless to stem the old pain. “I didn’t know what to do. I drove to the hospital. They told me there wasn’t anything I could do, that I just needed to rest. So I went back to the apartment.”
She shifted her gaze to the cave’s dark wall, her mind focused on the agony of the past. How she’d lain on that sagging plaid couch, scared and lonely, afraid to move, and desperately needing Cade.
“And then…I just started bleeding and it wouldn’t stop.” She pressed her fingers to her lips and closed her eyes until the horror passed, until the shocking visions receded. Then she fixed her gaze on Cade. “And I drove back to the hospital.”
“Alone?” A muscle twitched in his cheek.
“Yes, I…They admitted me, but I still lost the baby.” Her chest wadded up with remembered feelings, that soul-numbing pain and grief. The guilt that she’d done something wrong and had somehow been to blame.
And as she’d lain there in that hospital bed, her hopes and dreams crashing down, the harsh reality had sunk in. She wouldn’t have that cozy family. Cade wanted to smokejump more than he loved her. She was alone, abandoned, just as she’d always feared.
He worked his jaw. “And you didn’t call me.” It wasn’t a question. They both knew that she hadn’t. The base would have patched an emergency message through.
“I didn’t think…” She spread her hands. “I thought you wouldn’t want-”
“To come back when my wife was in the hospital?” He stared at her, his face etched with disbelief.
A tight ball formed in her chest. “I thought you’d rather stay on the fire.”
“Hell.” The muscles along his jaw tensed, and he curled his hand into a fist, looking angrier than she’d ever seen him. “You didn’t give me a goddamn chance.”
She couldn’t deny it. She had made assumptions, big ones. And she hadn’t let him decide. “You’re right,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes narrowed in disgust, and then he turned and stalked to their bags. Despair spiraled through her as he hefted them up.
“Cade,” she pleaded.
He strode to the entry without answering, and in one furious movement yanked his fire shelter loose.
Stones fell and crashed around him, and the dog bolted to the back of the cave. Sunlight slanted through the rising dust, and he kicked the loose rocks aside. Then, without looking back, he twisted out of the opening and disappeared.
A sick, heavy feeling churned through her belly, and suddenly, like the pile of stones falling, the truth tumbled in on her, sucking the air from her lungs. She’d told herself he didn’t care, that he loved smokejumping more than her.
But it wasn’t true. He would have come home. He would have rushed to her side if she’d called him. He never would have ignored her needs, her pain, no matter how busy he’d been. He wasn’t that kind of man.
She raised her hand to her throat. Of course Cade would have come back, and he would have mourned with her, grieved with her, stayed with her, just as he’d helped her over the mountain.
A sense of foreboding slugged through her chest. Oh, God. What had she done?
Her nerves trembling, she snatched up the leash and squeezed through the crack in the rocks, pulling Dusty behind her. Once outside, she stopped and blinked in the startling brightness.
She raised her hand to shade her eyes and glanced around, stunned by the devastation. The fire had decimated the mountain, turning the once-green landscape into blackened wreckage. Smoke still simmered over the scorched earth, wafting and swirling through ashes. Charred trees bent at odd angles, like twisted silhouettes clawing the sky. Here and there, lingering flames crackled through burnt stumps and spewed out dying embers.
She breathed in the acrid stench, coughed, and blinked again. The sunshine seemed too bright in the ruined landscape, too stark. As if it were stripping away her pretenses and exposing the truth, revealing her insecurities and fears.
Her guilt.
Her breathing ragged, she scanned the hillside for Cade. She spotted him several yards away atop a charred knoll, staring down the mountain. His back was straight, his shoulders stiff, warning off any approach.
Or maybe he was grieving for the child he’d never known.
An awful tightness wrenched her throat, and she knew that she had to reach him. “Cade,” she said.
His shoulder jerked as if she’d struck him, and then he slowly turned to face her. His face was tight, his mouth flat, his eyes so distant she shivered. Anxiety climbed up her throat.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have assumed you wouldn’t come back. That wasn’t fair to you. And I should have told you about the baby.”
For several heartbeats, he didn’t speak. His gaze stayed on hers, frank and cold, as if he were weighing her words, measuring her sincerity. Her hopes plummeted even more.
Finally, he tilted his head. “You didn’t want me to come back, did you?”
“What?” Shock tightened her voice. “Of course I wanted you back. How can you even think that?”
He slowly shook his head, his eyes hard. “No, you were looking for an excuse to leave.”
Denials rose in her throat, along with a spurt of panic. “You’re wrong. I felt abandoned without you. I hated being alone.” And she’d dreaded a lifetime spent waiting.
“Then why didn’t you call?”
“I-” A sliver of doubt crept through her mind. Why hadn’t she called him? How had she misjudged his character so badly? Hadn’t she known her husband at all?
Dread piled in as she considered the implications and fought the conclusion sickening her gut. And then suddenly, she couldn’t avoid it any longer. The truth crashed into her mind.
Stricken, she sucked in her breath. “Oh, God. You’re right.” At least in a way. “I wanted you back, but only under my terms.” To fulfill her needs, her insecurities.
But he hadn’t played into that. He’d treated her like a woman, not a child. He’d expected her to cope when he was gone.
And she couldn’t handle that. She’d acted out the needs of her childhood, thrusting him into a role he didn’t deserve. Punishing him for the faults of her father. Ignoring the person he was.
And then when he didn’t play her game, she’d seized the excuse to flee.
And in the process, she’d destroyed something special, something unique, something she’d never find again. She’d taken the gift of this man’s love and tossed it away.
Their eyes stayed locked, and sick dread lurched through her gut. Her heart wrenched with remorse; her face burned with guilt and chagrin. She wanted to weep with the awful realization of how unfairly she’d acted and how badly she’d hurt this man.
She couldn’t excuse what she’d done and had no way left to fix it.
The reverberations of the helicopter broke the tense silence. They grew louder, filling the air with a whomping sound. The dog jerked against the leash, and she tightened her grip to hold him.
Then a shadow crossed overhead, and the ashes swirled by her feet. The helicopter hovered just beyond the cave, then headed for the clearing.
“It’s over,” Cade said, his face devoid of expression. “Let’s go.”
Whether he meant their ordeal or their relationship didn’t matter. Both were finished.
Feeling completely battered inside, she picked up the dog and followed Cade through the ashes to catch their ride.
Chapter 16
“He’s gone?” Jordan gaped at the nurse sitting behind the emergency room desk. “But he can’t be, not with his bad shoulder. A tree crushed him. My God, his head, his ribs, he-”
“Honey, I’m not the doctor. I don’t
decide what the patients can do.” The nurse leaned back and crossed her arms over her flowered scrubs.
“I know, but he-” Jordan clamped down hard on her lip, knowing it was pointless to argue. This nurse couldn’t control where Cade spent the night.
But she had to see him, talk to him. She twisted her bandaged hands, her sense of urgency rising. She couldn’t let their trip end this way.
Even if that was what Cade intended.
He obviously didn’t want to see her. He’d ignored her on the flight to Missoula, looking more remote than when their journey had started. And once they’d landed at the hospital, he’d handed the dog over to his smokejumping friend, Trey Campbell, and let the nurses lead him away.
He hadn’t looked back, hadn’t asked to see her again. And now he’d left the hospital without even saying goodbye.
Or had he?
She thought back to those final moments on the mountain, to his hurt over her deception. To the bitterness in his blazing blue eyes. And she realized that he had said goodbye. She just hadn’t wanted to hear it.
But she couldn’t let it end like this. Panic surged and then engulfed her, like a wildfire searing her chest. She needed to find him, plead with him.
Tell him she still loved him.
But arguing with this nurse wouldn’t help. She sucked in a steadying breath. “Look, I’m sorry. I just really need to see him. Could you at least tell me his address? I think he has an apartment nearby.”
“Sorry, we’re not allowed to give out that information.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. He’s my ex-husband. We-”
“There’s a telephone book in the lobby. You’re welcome to look in that.”
“But what if he’s not listed? He might only have a cell phone.”
“Sorry.” The nurse returned her gaze to her computer screen.
Knowing it was futile to argue, Jordan curbed her frustration and stepped back. She could head to the smokejumper base and ask, but they weren’t open at night. And they might refuse to tell her, too.
“Excuse me, ma’am?”
