by Diana Nixon
Daniel sighed and leaned against one of the tables. “It was supposed to be my present for Adrian’s thirtieth birthday. Once he said he wanted to open a bar where people would come to watch hockey and have a drink, or simply meet with their friends. He never managed to make that dream come true.”
I looked around again and felt tears running down my cheeks. “He would have turned thirty in two weeks, right? I can’t believe you did it all for him.”
“The least I could do to say thanks for everything he had ever done for me. I didn’t know if I should bring you here today, but then I thought it was a perfect place to answer your question.”
“What question?”
“About the fights. You wanted to know why I fight. This is the answer,” he said, pointing to the pictures around us. “I fight to make myself forget about the life that I had before this, before Adrian found me, before he made me believe that I could be a better person.”
“I don’t understand-”
Daniel walked to the bar and took a bottle of whiskey.
“You know what the Scots say about it? They say that time’s healing abilities suck; that’s why they invented whiskey.”
“How very true.” I smirked, joining Daniel at the bar.
He poured a glass for me and continued, “All my life, I’ve been trying to be a good person. The place where I grew up taught me to fight for every small thing I wanted to get, even for a better piece of the pie. I never told you, but it’s not the first time you asked me about the fights. Once we quarreled because I didn’t want to answer your question.”
“Did it happen when I was in The Underground?”
“Yes. I didn’t know you were watching me. I won the fight, but you said that I looked like an animal, a cruel and soulless one. That’s why I was so furious seeing you in the club a few days ago. I didn’t want you to see me fighting, ever again.”
Daniel emptied his glass and poured another one.
“What did Adrian say about your fights?”
Daniel laughed quietly. “He was the only person who knew how much I needed them. He never judged me. Not when I took drugs, not when I smoked, not even when I fought.”
I swallowed hard. “You took drugs?”
Daniel made a helpless gesture. “They helped me forget about who I was. They took me to heaven, and every time I got back to the damn earth, I didn’t want to live.”
“Oh, God. How did you manage to beat the addiction?”
“With Adrian’s help, of course. And yours.” It was the first time that Daniel looked straight into my eyes that night. “You made me believe that anything was possible, that I wasn’t a lost cause; that I wasn’t a piece of trash; that I could live, breathe and love.”
“I wish I remembered at least something of what you are talking about.”
Daniel’s laughter filled the entire bar. It wasn’t joyful, it was filled with irony and pain that I could see all over his face.
“When your memories are back, you will hate me, Kas. Maybe even more than you hated me before the explosion.”
“Why?”
Daniel went around the bar counter and stopped right in front of me, cupping my face. “Because Emily was right; I screwed it up. Many times,” he said, pressing his forehead to mine.
My heart bounced in my chest. “We were more than just friends, weren’t we?”
The corners of Daniel’s lips twisted into a dreamy smile.
“You were the best of all the things that happened to me in this life. You were the air I couldn’t breathe without; the light I couldn’t live without and the only person I would never stop loving.”
“Why did we break up?” I asked in a trembling voice.
“You deserved so much better than me.” Daniel took a step back, and his expression hardened. “I would never be able to make you happy, Kassie.”
“Why would you think that?”
“You said once that I needed to love myself before I could ever love you. But, I never wanted you to see the broken parts of me that I would never be able to put together. And then, I thought that I needed to let you go, to give you a chance to be with someone whose life wasn’t as messed-up as mine.”
“And that was it? We broke up and, what? Stopped talking to each other? Stop seeing each other?”
“Both. We hadn’t seen each other for about six months. We met again the day Adrian got into the accident. You were so lost. I didn’t know what to do to ease your suffering. I felt so fucking helpless. And I walked away again, because you didn’t want me anywhere near you.”
“Why? Was I still angry at you for breaking up with me?”
Daniel didn’t answer.
“Damn it! Don’t you think it’s time to fight this out?” I shouted, crossing the distance between us in two steps.
“There was more to it than that,” he said through clenched teeth. “Please don’t make me tell you the rest of it. One day you will remember everything, and I truly hope you will still be able to hear me out. But for now, I want to leave it just like this.”
“Half-spoken?”
“Trust me, Kassie; it’s for the best.”
“Then, why did you bring me here?”
“I wanted you to understand the reason for the hate I feel for myself.”
I smirked sarcastically. “Looks like nothing has changed since the day we broke up. You still refuse to see other colors between the black and white.”
I looked one last time at Daniel and headed for the door. I was feeling my inner world come crashing down right in front of my eyes. Did I feel the same the day he walked away? I stopped, turned around and said, “Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?”
“No,” he said without hesitation.
“Just as I thought.” I gave the doors a hard push and ran out into the street.
I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do next. And I didn’t know how to live knowing that I couldn’t even remember the man I used to love.
What did I feel the day we broke up? How much had we loved each other? Wasn’t my love enough to make him believe in himself? What was my life like after Daniel? What was his life after me?
I don’t know what time it was when I got back home. Emily fell asleep on the couch, and I didn’t want to wake her. So I went to the bathroom to take a shower. Too bad it didn’t help me wash away the sorrows overwhelming my mind and my soul. I cursed the damn explosion for taking away my memory, even though I wasn’t sure if I wanted to remember anything. All I wanted now was to make my mind shut up.
After I was done with the shower, I saw an unread message from Daniel. It said the following, “The auction will start at midday. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”
“The hell I will miss it!” I muttered angrily, deleting the message.
Why did he think I didn’t want to go to the auction? Because of him? He gave himself too much credit, selfish idiot.
I knew now why I didn’t have any pictures of him in my house. Apparently, he was the last person whose face I wanted to see. Damn it!
Then again, I remembered what he did for Adrian, and my heart sank. Daniel wasn’t a bad person. I was sure about that. The only problem was that he refused to see it himself. He also wasn’t the only one whose life was messed-up. Mine wasn’t any different.
I fell asleep at the break of dawn, hoping to feel at least a little better after I woke up. No such luck…
Emily’s voice broke into my dream. I opened my eyes and stared at her, mumbling, “What the hell, Ems? Go away! I want to sleep.”
“No freaking way!” she said, tossing my blanket to the floor.
“Hey!”
“What happened last night?” she asked with her hands on her hips.
“What?” I was still too sleepy to figure out the reasons for her weird behavior.
“You. Daniel. A walk. Come on, Kas, wake up!”
“Oh, that. It didn’t end well.”
“I’ve already
figured out that much,” she said, crossing her arms. “Daniel came here a few minutes ago.”
“What for?”
“To give you this.” She tossed the keys on my bed. “He said, now it’s up to you to decide what to do with Adrian’s bar.”
“What? Is he out of his fucking mind?”
I jumped from the bed and started looking for my phone.
“What else did he say?”
“That the auction will be the last time you will see him if you come. He’s leaving for L.A.”
“He’s what?” Damn my phone, I still couldn’t find it. “What am I supposed to do with the bar?”
“Apparently, he thought you didn’t want to see him ever again. That’s why he decided to simplify your life.”
“By leaving me the bar that I didn’t even know existed? How very thoughtful of him,” I snapped, dialing Daniel’s number.
To my disappointment, he was out of range.
“Great. Do you know where he is, now?”
“At the workshop, I guess.”
“Will you give me a lift there? I don’t think I can drive now.”
“Okay.”
Emily waited for me to get dressed, and the two of us went to Daniel’s.
This time the workshop was open. I burst through the doors and immediately saw Daniel in the company of the very busty bitch that I’d seen a few days ago, sitting on his lap.
“I’m sorry for bothering you, Mr. Farrell, but can I have a word with you? In private,” I said, giving the girl the most evil glance I was capable of.
“What are you doing here?” he said, rising to his feet. Even though he tried to sound harsh, I could see that he was a little nervous.
“There’s no way I will let you miss the opening of the bar,” I said, giving him the keys. “It was supposed to be your present, remember? Then, you will stay and do your best to turn it into the place that Adrian always wanted it to be. And, you will have to face me more than once, whether you like it or not!” I turned on my heel and stormed out of the workshop, desperately wanting to punch something. Or better, someone.
If Daniel thought he would make me follow his orders, he was so wrong about me. I sure as hell never did that before, so why would I do it now?
Chapter 11
Daniel
My blood boiled slowly. I watched Kassie walking away, and I didn’t even try to stop her, because I was sure that a talk with her would end up as another fight. I cursed mentally, running a hand through my hair. I acted like the biggest jerk ever¸ and the worst thing was that it didn’t make me feel any better. I foolishly hoped that pushing Kassie away would make my life easier. Fucking idiot!
“Is everything’s okay, Baby?” Marcy asked, wrapping one arm around my waist.
“Not even close,” I snapped, heading for the back room.
I didn’t know why Marcy kept hanging out with me; she knew I was an asshole, and she still said she was crazy about me. Seriously? What was wrong with the girl? She wasn’t a prude of course, but she surely could find someone better than me. Crap; I thought I was a huge mistake for any woman, even for someone as reckless and immoral as Marcy.
I sighed and reached for my cell phone, hoping the damn thing would still work after it hit the wall last night. Since it was my only companion after Kassie left, I thought it wouldn’t mind being my punching bag. The screen flashed and died. Fuck!
I sighed again, took the keys for my motorcycle and headed for the exit. “Don’t screw up anything in my absence,” I said to my employees. They were good guys; their only problem was a-pain-in-the-ass boss. I knew I could trust them with my most precious possession, so every time I shamelessly neglected my work, I knew they would do it for me.
Motorcycles were my life. I loved riding, because it always made me feel free, a feeling that I couldn’t get anywhere else. It always felt as if I were gone, no longer a human, but a soul flying high above the ground. Adrian called it ‘living on the edge’, and he was so right. Not that I didn’t care about my life, I DID care about it. Well, as least as long as I’d had Kassie.
Everything changed the day we broke up. I went back to the shit my life was before her: drugs, sex, and alcohol. If it wasn’t for Adrian, who once trashed the hell out of me for showing up in his house totally smashed, I would have already been dead by now. He said if he ever saw me like that again, our friendship would be over. It was like a splash of cold water that turned into sweat that I washed myself in, spending days and nights in a gym. It did magic not only to my body, but to my health and my mind, as well. I got back to the work that I loved a lot, sincerely hoping that now my life would be much different. And then - well, then Adrian died and I had no one else to boss me around, even though I still needed it more than anything. He had been the only person who knew how to straighten me up. Not even Kassie had such power over me.
I admired Adrian as if he were a god. The friendship we shared was even stronger than the connection between brothers. He always said what he thought, and I appreciated his honesty. He was a friend to die for, and I missed him like hell.
Every time I needed a brainwash, I went to his house and spent hours sitting near the fireplace, drinking and talking, talking, talking, as if Adrian could still hear me. Kassie didn’t know I had a key to his house; she never went there after Adrian was gone.
I remember the day I told him about Kassie and me dating. He said that not even a miracle would save my ass if I hurt her. Those words were burned in my head forever. That’s why I walked away when I realized that I didn’t deserve her. I thought it would be better to step aside and let her have the life she wanted. Because I knew that she was right; I needed to stop thinking about my past, move on and love myself. But I failed, and I kept failing, again and again, until the day I found out about the explosion.
I didn’t see the road under my feet; I was running so fast, praying for her to be all right. The moment I found out that she was taken to the hospital, my heart stopped beating. The hours of her operation felt like forever. I think I died hundreds of times before the doctor said she was going to be okay. And then, well, I couldn’t help myself; I kept coming to see her, helping her get back to her normal life. When I found out that she lost her memory, I thought it was my chance to start all over again, to make her trust me and love me again. Sometime later, I felt the predatory doubts eating me alive. No matter how many times I repeated to myself that I was a better person now and that I would do anything possible and impossible to make her happy, the memories of all those horrible things I said and did to her in the past didn’t let me take a step closer.
She had always been like a magnet that I couldn’t resist. I was aware of everything that was going on in her life; I even asked my friends from the police to check on every guy she was dating. Like a crazy, I never let her out of my sight.
The explosion changed her. She became so vulnerable and helpless, I couldn’t leave her alone again. Even though my sister told me it was a bad idea, I let myself into Kassie’s life again, and now I didn’t know how to clear up the mess I brought there with me.
I hit the gas pedal and my inner world exploded at the sound of the engine roaring under me. I loved the thrill and the pull, flying by the endless rows of cars and people walking down the streets. It always felt like living in the moment, the moment of pleasure and endless bliss, overwhelming my body and mind.
There was only one person able to make me feel the same way: Kassie.
Touching her, kissing her, holding her in my embrace gave me more adrenaline than anything else; she was my heaven and my hell, my drug and my cure. With her, I could be myself.
She always saw only the best in me. She used to say that love overshadows evil. Was she right? I wish I knew the answer. Judging by how badly I was screwed now, evil was still raining on my parade.
I stopped at the entrance to Adrian’s house, shut down the engine, and looked thoughtfully at the place that used to be my home. Here I spent the best days
of my life.
Being inside the house always felt a little strange. I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that its owner was still there. For someone it may sound creepy, but I liked the feeling.
I put the keys on a small table in the hall, went to the living room and poured two glasses of whiskey: one for myself and one for whoever needed it as much as I did.
“I fucked it up, man. Again,” I said, looking at the only photo that I managed to find in the house. It was a picture of Adrian and me, somewhere in Montana.
“You were right; I never learned my lessons. Now, you would probably roll your eyes, and say something like, ‘So very you.’” I smirked at my own words. “What am I supposed to do now? Is there still a chance to fix my mistakes?”
I emptied the glass and sat on the couch. I remembered the day Adrian brought me here. I stared in awe at the house and thought that I was in heaven.
“Let’s find you some food and clothes,” he said, patting my shoulder. Then he opened the doors and I crossed the threshold of what felt like the beginning of my new life.
Adrian wasn’t a fan of fancy stuff; everything in his house was simple and practical. But for me, it still looked like a palace. Adrian’s only weakness was paintings. He could spend months looking for a picture he wanted to buy. He always said that money spent on art would never be wasted. And he was right, of course. The auction that Kassie and I were having in two days was his idea. Though it was still hard to remember the talk he and I had about selling his collection. He would have never have done that if it wasn’t for the short time that remained of his life.
I was the only person who knew that Adrian was dying. The car accident saved him from suffering what he never wanted to face. The therapy was useless; the damn cancer was eating him alive. He knew he had only a few more months to live. The day he told me he was sick, my world turned upside down. I would have never imagined anything like that happening to my best friend.
“Don’t tell anyone,” he said, giving me three white envelopes.
