by Autumn Reed
I gaped at him, stunned by his perceptiveness. I should've known that Jackson, out of everyone, would have seen through my fears to the heart of the matter. He always saw too much.
“Yeah, I’m concerned about the future. If we continue down the path we're on, the rumors at Zenith will be a drop in the bucket. We will always be on the receiving end of curious stares and rude remarks. Can any of you honestly tell me that's what you want?”
“We want you,” Liam said as he returned to his seat. “Everyone else can sod off.”
“Does 'everyone else' include Chase's gran? My dad?” I asked, finally voicing some of my biggest concerns. “What are we going to do—cut anyone out of our lives who doesn't support us? Who will remain?”
“Patrick, Kara.” Theo nodded enthusiastically. “Jessica.”
I snorted, and Knox glared at me, willing me to stay silent on the matter. Theo glanced between us, confusion marring his face. “Is there something I don't know?”
May as well rip this Band-Aid off now, too. “When I finally worked up the courage to tell Jess I was dating the five of you, we got into a huge fight. She told me I'd gone off the deep end, and we didn't talk for weeks. Even after she apologized, she confessed that she was concerned I'd been coerced into the relationship.”
Everyone around the table fell silent, and five stunned faces stared back at me. Well, Knox wasn't stunned as much as livid, and I wasn't sure who he was angrier at—Jess or me. I'd never given him the full rundown on what happened when she came to Santa Cruz.
“So, when she visited . . .” Theo paused, the pieces falling into place as understanding dawned on him. “I knew it seemed weird that you spent so much of my graduation party apart. Why didn't you tell me?”
I shrugged. “You were so excited, I didn't have the heart to.”
Theo made a strangled noise. “Haley, you can tell me anything. You should know that by now.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “I can't believe you still don't trust me.”
Piece by piece, my heart was being ripped to shreds, and it was my own fault—for keeping secrets, for being selfish. “This isn't about trust. I thought I was doing what was best.”
“Maybe you should ask us what we want, instead of assuming you know what's best,” Knox said.
“That's ironic, coming from you.” I thought of all the times he'd made a decision for me without consulting me first.
“You want to talk about what's ironic?” he asked with a sneer. “Because I find it ironic that at the first sign of trouble, when you should be running to us, you run away from us. It’s what you do . . . you run. I'm honestly not sure why I expected this time to be any different.”
While the rational part of me could admit that there was some truth to Knox's words, his tone cut to my core. Maybe I'd pushed him too far, pushed him away one too many times.
“I'm not running,” I said defiantly. “I'm not,” I reiterated when his expression remained stoic.
“Maybe not physically.” Knox crossed his arms over his chest. “You've brushed us off the entire week, canceling plans, making excuses. Enough.”
“So, that's it, huh? You've had enough, and I'm just supposed to what . . . obey?”
“Not obey.” He swiped a hand over his face. “Fuck. You refused to talk to me all week and suddenly you're twisting my words.”
“Then why don’t you enlighten me, because all you've done so far this evening is grumble.”
“You're pushing us away, and I fucking hate it. I love you, Haley, and you know I would overcome any obstacle to be with you.”
“I know,” I said softly, ignoring the curious stares of the others. “But you've already dealt with enough in your life, and I don't want you to endure more on my account.”
“That's not your choice to make.” His emerald eyes met mine, his jaw set.
My stomach rolled, and I could feel the tears building. “I don't know if I can do this, if I can ask any of you to do this,” I said, my voice scarcely above a whisper. “You deserve more.”
The dam finally broke, and tears spilled down my cheeks. I heard the sound of chairs scraping against the floor, but Jackson got to me first. He crouched by my side, taking my hand in his and stroking my thigh with the other.
“Please don't,” I said between tears, shrinking from his touch. “Please don't make this any harder than it already is.”
“Would it make you feel better to choose one of us?” he said, asking the question I knew each and every one of them had to be thinking.
I kept my eyes trained on the table as pain ripped through me from his suggestion. “You know I can't.”
Liam handed me a tissue. “Where does that leave us?”
“I don't know.”
I rose from the table and walked down the hall to my room, leaving silence in my wake. They’d pushed me, and it hadn’t done one bit of good. There were no words that could placate me, no touches that could soothe me. Now, when I looked into my future, all I could see was heartbreak.
Alone in my room, I collapsed on the bed, overcome with sadness. Maybe I was running, but what else was I supposed to do? Confronted with disappointing the five men I loved was akin to ripping my heart out, and I still didn't know where we were supposed to go from here.
Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe there were too many forces outside our control conspiring against our happiness. Maybe . . . I sighed, realizing I was too exhausted to make any sense.
There was a knock at the door and it opened, light filtering in the room from the kitchen down the hall. I kept my back turned and pretended to be asleep, reining in my tears. Whoever it was didn't take the hint. Instead, he kicked off his shoes and the bed dipped behind me.
“Gorgeous,” Liam cooed, wrapping his arms around me. Enveloped in his cologne, in him, the tears started falling again, harder this time. “It will be okay.”
I shook my head, sniffling while the pillow became saturated.
“What's that?” He lifted his head, tilting his ear closer to me, pretending I'd spoken. “Oh, I see. You're crying because we're lying in bed fully clothed. It is a shame.”
Despite myself, I laughed, but it came out more like a snort. Mortified, I buried my face in my hands, even though I knew he couldn't see me. He brushed my hair back from my face, stroking it with his hands, making me relax. His touch was soothing and familiar, his presence calming.
“Let go, gorgeous. Just for a few minutes. Let me hold you.”
My mind flashed back to a night when he'd said something similar. But when he'd uttered those words, we were lying in his bed, and he and Jackson were kissing me, touching me.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the onslaught of emotions. I should tell Liam to go away, but I couldn't find the strength to do so. Just for tonight, if only for a few minutes, I would let him hold me.
15
Giving In
Haley
I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. After last night’s confrontation with the guys at dinner, I’d spent the entire day feeling sad, lost. I couldn’t fathom walking away from Liam, Knox, Chase, Jackson, and Theo, especially now that I’d finally given in. I’d handed over a piece of myself to each of them, pieces I would never get back.
Still, I couldn’t deny that I was on a precipice—continuing down this path of doubt and confusion wasn’t an option. Something needed to push me over the ledge once and for all . . . or I needed to turn around and never look back. As much as I wanted to take that leap of faith on my own, I didn’t know how to accomplish it. Maybe I should blame it on my nature, because I couldn’t seem to shake off my inherent caution and uncertainty.
One thing I did know? Pushing the guys away wasn’t working. I hated myself for the distance more and more every day. I couldn’t bear the hurt in Theo’s eyes, the anger in Knox’s set jaw, or the disappointment in Jackson’s voice. There had to be another way. A better way.
“Haley?”
At the sound of Chase callin
g to me, I sat up and stared at the door like it might explode if I dared approach it. Why was I wavering? Hadn’t I just decided that I wouldn’t push the guys away anymore? I couldn’t falter at the first test.
Resolved, I strode to the door and opened it without further hesitation. He was standing on the other side, hands in his front pockets and a shy smile on his face. “Hey.”
“Hi, Chase. What’s up?”
“If you’re not busy, I was hoping to kidnap you for a bit.”
I laughed. “Shouldn’t you at least be carrying duct tape?”
“Well, I was hoping you’d be more of a willing victim.” His dimple winked at me, and I found myself shrugging in agreement.
“Okay. Do I need my coat and shoes?”
He took hold of my hand and linked our fingers. “No, we’re just going upstairs.”
“To your bedroom?” I asked on a gasp as he led me to the stairs. “Are you sure we don’t need a chaperone?”
“Knox and Theo have a private security gig tonight, so we’re all alone. Guess you’ll have to trust me.”
“I always do,” I answered, dropping my teasing tone.
He paused when we reached the top of the stairs. “Honestly, I’m surprised you agreed to come. I was expecting to have to work harder to persuade you.”
“I’m trying this new thing where I’m not moody and withdrawn. How am I doing?”
His lips twitched. “So far, so good.”
He pushed open his door, and an enormous smile overtook my face. A classic Monopoly game was set up on his bed, the battleship and Scottish Terrier tokens sitting on “GO”—just like the first time we’d played a game together at the cabin. Amazingly, we’d never played Monopoly again in all the time since.
I sat in front of a pile of play money that had already been divvied up. “What if I want to be the battleship this time?”
He considered the question for a long moment. “I’ll allow it, just this once.”
“How chivalrous of you. I’ll stick with the Scottish Terrier, though. He’s still my favorite.”
Chase wiped a hand across his brow. “That was close.” Sitting across from me, he straightened his stacks of money. “Do you want to be the Banker?”
“I’ll leave that to your expertise.”
As we rounded the board, purchasing properties and getting sent to Jail, I felt relaxed and happy for the first time since everything started falling apart. Chase had managed to find one of the only things that allowed me to forget about my problems and be in the moment. And even when that moment consisted of laughing about how badly I was losing, I felt like me again. I was experiencing something less than hopeful but something more than hopeless. It was a start.
When I was forced to mortgage my third property to the Bank to stay in the game, I let out a sigh. “Now I remember why I never suggest this game. It takes forever.”
“That’s because we’re not following all the rules. If we did, it would go much faster.”
“Which rules? I can’t believe that you wouldn’t follow them to a T.”
“Technically, when a player lands on an unowned property and declines to purchase it, the Bank should sell it at auction. That doesn’t work very well with only two players, though.”
“Huh. I can’t believe I didn’t know that.”
He chuckled. “No one seems to. Over the years, every time I’ve tried to get my friends to play it that way, they voted to ignore that rule. So, I eventually got over it.”
“I’d never make you ignore the rules.” Wouldn’t I, though? Wasn’t that exactly what I was doing every day by continuing my relationships with him and four other guys? What we had was against the rules of society, at the very least.
“Do you ever wish you’d walked away that day instead of carrying me from the fire?” The question was out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop it.
I had no idea why I was bringing this up when I’d been so content to just spend time with him. Maybe because it represented a question, a fear, that had been unspoken for too long. I was back on that precipice, and I needed the answer.
Chase froze in the middle of his move, tilting his head back up to stare at me. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“It’s not like I would have died. I would have woken up and gone on the run. It would have been difficult and lonely, but I would have been okay. And your life, all of your lives, would have been so much simpler. You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about it.”
“You’re right. I have thought about it.”
My chest ached at his words, but I only had myself to blame for the hurt they caused. I’d asked the question, and he’d answered truthfully. Hadn’t I always known that, deep down, the guys had to regret my appearance in their lives? They would be crazy not to.
In a single move, Chase swept the Monopoly board and all its accompanying pieces off the bed. Shocked, I watched the last of the paper money flutter to the floor before speaking. “Chase, what . . .?”
“I’ve always wanted to do that,” he said, his own expression one of stunned amusement. “But, really, I needed there to be nothing between us right now. And I need you to listen, really listen, to me.”
He scooted closer to me on the bed and took my hands in his. “When I say I’ve thought about it, what I mean is that I’ve thought about how my life was empty before I met you. It was Zenith and school and working out. That’s all it was.”
“But you had the guys. You had Ethan.”
“Yeah, but you don’t know what the team was like before you.” He released one of my hands to rub the back of his neck, and I could tell he was struggling to put his thoughts into words. “We were different and not in a good way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jackson was an effective leader, but we weren’t really friends. Outside of work, he spent time with Liam and Knox, but Theo, Ethan, and I were rarely invited. Liam was always attending some social event or dating a new girl. Knox devoted his spare time to upgrading the loft until that was finally completed; then, he went back to fiddling with cars. Theo stayed busy with school and his other friends. And though Ethan and I hung out regularly, it was more by default than anything. I wasn’t interested in going out and picking up girls with him, and he wasn’t exactly into staying home and playing board games with me.”
My head spun with Chase’s characterization of the guys before I knew them. It was difficult to imagine them off leading their own lives, never fully connecting as a team, as best friends. Was it possible my presence had helped create the Team Jaguar I now knew and loved? If only wanting to believe it made it true.
“But—”
“Haley, no. We can play the what if game all night, but it won’t change the fact that I know my world is better because you’re in it.” He placed my hands on his powerful shoulders and moved his to my waist. “No, I don’t wish I’d walked away that day, and I never will.”
Any temptation to argue vanished as warmth seeped into my body and soul. Though my desire for him was evident in the shallowness of my breaths and tightening of my nipples, it was more than that. I believed in what we had together; it was as real as anything I’d ever experienced. I didn’t want to continue worrying about these past few days or even the future. I wanted to live in this moment with no regrets.
Linking my fingers behind his neck, I shifted to my knees. “That was a fairly convincing speech.”
“I’m glad. You deserve to hear how you’ve made us better.”
Now that I was practically in his lap, I barely resisted attacking his mouth. But I needed to say one last thing first. “It goes both ways, you know. I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”
“Stop trying to.”
We both moved in for the kiss, meeting in the middle, and he lifted my hips until I was straddling him. Electricity charged between us in a way it never had before, and I knew this time was different. I wanted more from him. I was ready for everything.
&nb
sp; When we drew apart, I could see the question in his eyes, and I nodded. He didn’t hesitate in removing his shirt before reaching for mine. Remembering my plain cotton underwear and sports bra, I warned, “My lingerie is not at all sexy.”
“I can help you out of it, if that’ll make you feel better.” I half-gasped, half-laughed, and Chase shook his head. “I have no idea where that came from.”
“Maybe you’ve been spending too much time around Liam.”
In the past, I would have kicked myself for bringing up one of the other guys, especially in the middle of stripping. This time, I didn’t feel bad and refused to. We all knew what we were getting into, and everyone had to be okay with it.
Chase proved that he had truly accepted our peculiar reality by smiling as he tore off my top. “I must have picked up a few things from him over the years. He could probably teach a class.”
He probably could, but I didn’t want to think about Liam anymore. I wanted, no needed, Chase to consume every part of me. Maybe it was selfish to ask it of him when I couldn’t guarantee our future, but I decided to be selfish this once.
His gaze drifted down to my chest, and with painstaking slowness, he lowered the zipper on the front of my bra. “You’re wrong. This is sexy as hell.”
His palms brushed my nipples as he removed my bra, and I instinctively sank deeper onto his lap, moaning when his erection pressed into me. Chase’s eyes closed, and he sucked in a breath. “Haley, I need to know how far . . .”
I kissed the corner of his mouth. “I’m ready, Chase. If you are.”
His eyelashes fluttered, and then I was peering into clear blue eyes full of devotion and yearning. “There’s no question.” Looking mildly embarrassed, he reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone. “I sort of have a playlist for this, if you don’t mind.”
Smiling, I shook my head. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
A song I’d never heard started playing softly over his Bluetooth speaker, and I listened to the lyrics about giving in, wondering if the song had somehow been written about us, about this moment.
