If his parents lived in Texas, he would’ve introduced her to them as well, showed her another successful relationship, and how compromise had worked for them. They were currently traveling the world, enjoying his father’s retirement and wouldn’t be back in the States for another month. In all likelihood, he would miss seeing them, but they were also aware of his deployment date so, if he knew his mom, they’d be back earlier than they’d predicted.
But none of that helped with the situation he was in right now. He had to fix this with Isabella and he had to tell her about his possible promotion.
With measured steps he walked over to where Isabella sat. “Can I join you?”
When she looked up, tears glistened in the sunlight on her cheeks, and a hundred arrows stabbed at his heart. “I don’t know if I can do this, Ethan.”
Hearing her words, the arrows twisted deeper. He grabbed a chair and scraped it across the concrete until he could sit next to her. Needing to touch her, he reached out and grabbed both of her hands in his. “Talk to me, Izzy, tell me why. Maybe if we can talk we can work this out.”
He couldn’t lose her, not when he’d found his other half. Telling her he loved her would only make the situation worse, not better.
“I don’t know what to say, Ethan, except I’m scared. I’m scared of what could happen to me when you go away. Scared of what could happen to you. What if I’m not strong enough to deal with the separation? I never had to face this with Travis. He was killed before he got deployed.”
“Oh, Izzy, you’re so much stronger than you think. Do you think for one minute your dad, Meredith, or even Anna and the others, will leave you alone while I’m away? No, you’ve got a support network here ready and waiting for you.”
“I know they’ll be there for me. But it won’t stop me thinking about all that could go wrong. Worrying about your safety when you walk into buildings where you and Sam are exposed and in danger of bombs and snipers and whatever else lurks around every corner.” She pulled her hands from his hold and wrapped them around herself. He wanted to grab them back, maintain their connection.
Now was the time to tell her about his possible promotion; that his days of being a handler were over and he wouldn’t be putting himself in immediate danger. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
Her head snapped up and fear lurked in her eyes. Man, he hated to see her hurting so much. “What else is there? Isn’t you going away in a month to a war zone bad enough?”
Even though she was hurting, he bit back the temptation to snap back that she was well aware of what he did for a living when they first started dating. “A few weeks ago, my commanding officer called me into his office—”
“Wait. What? And you’re only telling me this now? Did you get into trouble or something?” Isabella interjected.
“Or something. He spoke to me about a promotion to kennel master. It’s a natural progression for me. It’s also what they call a STEP promotion.”
“What sort of promotion is that? Is it good or bad?”
“A STEP promotion is what they call Stripes for Exceptional Performers.”
“So it’s a big deal then?”
He sighed and clasped his hands together. “Yeah, it is.”
Silence fell between them. A furrow line appeared between Isabella’s eyes. She was mulling over everything he told her and he braced himself for what she was going to say or ask next.
“What exactly does a kennel master do? Will you still have to be deployed? Or will you be based stateside permanently?”
Her voice rose in hope as she finished her questions. He could also see a sliver of relief shining in her eyes. God, he hated knowing the second he explained everything he would douse the sparks. “I would be in charge of looking after the dogs. I’d also be responsible for instructing the new recruits that come into the K-9 division. I would no longer be a handler, which means I wouldn’t go into any dangerous situations, unless called upon. But, yes, I would still be deployed to oversee the dogs.”
Isabella pushed away from the table and walked over to one of the pots filled with roses that dotted a corner of her back patio. Her hand traced the soft petals and he ached to go over to her and hold her in his arms. Tell her everything would be okay. He still had to tell her about his reenlistment. So much he had to heap on her, but he couldn’t spread it out no matter how much he wanted to.
What he should’ve done was tell her when they’d agreed to pursue their relationship after their false starts. But he’d been selfish and had wanted to spend time with Izzy. Even back then, he’d known she was special. She fired emotions in him he’d never experienced before and he didn’t want to risk losing that by telling her the truth.
It was a dick move and he was about to pay for his selfishness.
Sure, back then, it might have ended everything and, yes, it would’ve hurt but not as much as it would now if she walked away from him. Which he deserved if she did.
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
At least she was still talking to him. “I told him I would think about. There’s a lot to consider. Other factors come into play as well.”
“What other factors?”
“Well, upon my return, I’ll be up for reenlistment.”
Her finger tapped against her lip. Without a doubt she was counting back in time, knowing that he knew all of this when they’d agreed to start over for the third time.
“And you’ve known all of this for over a month.”
There was no other option for him; he had to be truthful with her, no matter the consequences. “I wanted to discuss this with you, I really did, but you told me about Travis and, well, the timing never seemed right.”
Isabella laughed harshly. “Really? That’s such a weak excuse, you know that don’t you?”
He stood and began to pace. “You’re right it is. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to dump the reality of my deployment and everything else onto you all at once. You’d just told me about Travis and things were finally working out with us. I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted to protect you.”
“How is not being truthful protecting me? You have the same flawed logic as my dad when he didn’t tell me about Rhonda.”
Nothing was going right, as if he ever thought it would. It was always going to be a clusterfuck. “It’s not the same at all, Isabella.”
“Explain how it’s not the same. Certainly seems that way to me. You both decided what was best for me without actually taking my feelings into consideration.”
He blew out a frustrated breath. Perhaps he should’ve said he had been planning to tell her, but he couldn’t lie to her. “But I did take your feelings into consideration, Isabella, can’t you see that? You told me about your past. We worked through me being away on training exercises. But deployment is different and then there’s my promotion and reenlistment.” He closed his eyes, ran a hand over his head before opening them to look at her. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I should’ve spoken to you about everything back then.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
“Putting aside your deployment for the moment, when you got the news about the promotion, what was your immediate thought? The first thing that went through your mind?”
“That it was an honor, but…” He didn’t want to voice what had been going through his mind that day.
“But you weren’t sure you wanted it because you wouldn’t be on the frontlines anymore? You wouldn’t be the first one in to protect your team.”
Her insight shocked the hell out of him. “Maybe.”
“What is the appeal about putting your life in danger every single second of the day? You can’t always stop disasters from happening, believe me I know.”
Her words cut deep into him, because they were the truth. She would know firsthand about not being able to control everything, but didn’t she also understand the honor it was to fight for and protect the
country?
“I know that. Do you know what core values of the air force are?”
“No.”
“Well, they’re integrity first. Service before self. Excellence in all we do. I take these very seriously, especially the second one.”
“I don’t doubt you do, but you also have a God complex, Ethan, and that’s more dangerous than being blasé about what you do. You have to learn to trust others other than yourself.” She shook her head and smiled, a sad smile. “I knew I shouldn’t have embarked on a relationship with you, Ethan.”
A lead balloon filled his stomach. There was no nervousness or apprehension in her voice, just plain conviction. “What are you saying?”
Her fingers fiddled with the sash on her robe, and from where he stood, the rise and fall of her chest wasn’t smooth and calm, but rapid and agitated. “I’m saying I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not going to live my life with a man who doesn’t believe in me enough to talk about what is happening with his life. I’m sure you’ve already made the decision to reenlist, haven’t you?”
He nodded, the words impossibly lodged behind a large lump of disgust in this throat.
“I would never have asked you to choose between me and your career. I don’t have that right, considering the newness of our relationship. But we could’ve still discussed it all, Ethan. To grow as a couple, we have to know what is happening in each other’s lives. I’m not going to go through my life with a man who hides an integral part of who he is out of a misguided need to protect. I want you to leave, Ethan.”
Damn, how had everything gone wrong so quickly? Weren’t they having the type of discussion she just said she wanted?
Yes and no. He’d made decisions without talking to her. Decisions that affected their potential future. He’d pounded the nails into his own coffin.
“Is that what you want? There’s nothing I can say to change your mind? No amount of apology to make it better?”
“Oh, Ethan, if only it were that simple. But I fear this is going to be a pattern. And, to be truthful, I don’t think I can handle you being deployed, even with your promotion and you not being on the frontline. It was hard enough to get over Travis. Having to do it again? I’ve got a choice and I’ve made it.”
The finality of her tone cut deep. He’d hoped that somehow she would be willing to take another chance. He’d been creating dreams when he shouldn’t have been.
Irrational anger flared to life. “Well, then, I hope you have a nice life in your safe little world, because the reason you can live in your world is because of me and my friends and our passion to keep this country safe.”
He strode past her, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. She’d made her decision. The fact his heart was crumbling in a million pieces didn’t matter to her, because she had no idea how he felt. Now he was glad he’d kept his true feelings hidden.
A broken heart would heal.
Chapter Sixteen
The final bell for the year rang and the kids jumped up cheering. Isabella forced a smile she wasn’t feeling onto her face.
“Have a wonderful summer, kids. Be careful and don’t forget to read some of the suggested reading material. I’m going to miss you and you’re going to do a fantastic job in middle school.”
The kids rushed up to her and gave her quick hugs before running out the door, their laughter filling the hallways. Normally, her heart would be bursting with pride watching her kids move into the next phase of their lives, but this year, it was like she was watching from the outside looking in.
She sat back down and looked around her empty classroom. During the last couple of days they’d all worked together to take down the various posters and work that had been hung up on the walls during the school year. The room resembled a barren shell, like her insides. Ever since she’d told Ethan to leave, she’d been desolate and alone. More than she ever thought she would be.
“Stop it,” she said out loud to the empty classroom. “You made your decision and it’s the right one. Now it’s time to enjoy your summer and come August, you’ll be ready to tackle a new lot of fifth graders.”
Yeah, saying it out loud didn’t make a lick of difference to how she was feeling. She had an idea nothing would.
“You ready to escape this gin joint?” Meredith’s perky voice broke into her morose introspection.
“Yep, pity we have to come back next week to finalize everything.”
Meredith plonked herself down in her usual place opposite Isabella’s desk. “True, but then it’s ten weeks of sheer, unadulterated bliss of doing nothing but sleeping, binge watching the shows I couldn’t watch all school year and sleeping.”
“You mentioned sleeping twice,” Isabella responded drily.
“Deliberately, you look like shit, Iz. How much sleep have you gotten over the last couple of weeks?”
Meredith had answered her tearful call that Saturday and had come over bearing wine and cheese. She’d listened to Isabella spill all the details about the conversation with Ethan and the evening before with her dad. Being the good friend that she was, Meredith had listened and hadn’t passed judgment. Somehow, her friend’s leniency had passed and now Meredith was going to tell her exactly how it was.
“I’ve slept enough.”
“Bullshit, Iz, you miss him. It’s obvious in the way you pretend to not constantly check your phone to see if you’ve got a message at lunchtime. It’s in the way you smile but it isn’t your usual Isabella smile. The kids have been so excited about the end of the school year that they had no idea this Ms. Knowles was completely different to the Ms. Knowles of a month ago. Love and happiness shone out of you, it was quite sickening if you ask me.”
“I was not in love,” Isabella protested, but it was a lie and she knew the second the words left her mouth.
“Right, and that’s why a little red star isn’t marked on next Wednesday’s date on your wall calendar.”
Crap, she thought she’d done it small enough that no one would notice. Of course, Meredith had. In a low point of pity, she’d made a note of his departure date. Sleep had been terrible because every time she’d fallen asleep she’d been pummeled with dreams of him and Sam entering a building and the building blowing up. Or Ethan reaching out to her and she was unable to grab hold of him before he disappeared into a black abyss.
It was getting to the stage where she was afraid to close her eyes. Afraid to see what other tragedy her brain could come up with. She wanted the dreams she’d had before their breakup. Dreams of them living in her house, a little girl running around the backyard being chased by Sam while Ethan stood by the grill flipping burgers while she nursed a newborn baby.
Dreams she hadn’t admitted to herself how much she wanted them to come true.
“Enough,” she said out loud shocking herself and Meredith.
“Enough what, Iz?”
“Wallowing in self-pity. Summer’s coming and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.” Maybe if she told herself enough times that was what she was going to do, it might actually come true.
“Are you going to see Ethan before he leaves?” Meredith asked quietly.
Isabella’s heart folded in on itself at the mention of his name. “No, Mere, I’m not. It’s over, and it would never have worked. It’s better this way.”
“Oh, so you don’t think breaking his heart before he leaves to go to a war zone isn’t going to be on his mind and distract him?”
Isabella shook her head, not wanting to believe he was hurting as much as she was. “Don’t say that, Meredith.”
“Why not? I’m sure it’s the truth.” Her friend got up and stopped beside her, wrapping an arm around Isabella. “I saw the way he looked at you, Iz. He worshipped every step you took. His face lit up the second he laid eyes on you. Are you sure there’s no way you two can be together?”
It wasn’t the first time she’d been asked that question. Much to her surprise, Anna had reached out to her and they’d m
et up for a coffee. Isabella had cuddled her baby and they’d talked. She would tell Meredith exactly what she told Anna.
“No, Mere. I just know I can’t live my life in constant fear that something will happen to him.”
“I thought you worked through this months ago. You can’t live this way. Fear shouldn’t hold you back. When you were with him you were happier than I’ve ever seen you. Why would you throw it all away?”
“It’s not just him being away. It’s because he didn’t trust me enough to talk about our future.”
“Oh please, so he didn’t tell you about his promotion straightaway or the fact he was going to reenlist. You’d just started dating. Those types of discussions don’t happen after you’ve been dating a week. It takes time to build up to them. But at least he told you.” Meredith stood. “You grasped at a lame reason to break up with him because you’re still living in fear. But the question is, has it made you happy?”
Isabella let the truth of her friend’s words sink in. It was a question she didn’t want to answer, because if she were truthful with herself, she was more miserable than she’d ever been.
She’d made a huge mistake.
*
Four hours later Isabella stood at her father’s doorstep wondering why she was here and not at home.
Once she’d left school it had been automatic to head home, but that was the last place she wanted to be. Too many memories of Ethan lurked around every corner. So she’d kept driving and somehow her subconscious had led her to her dad’s doorstep.
Why was she here?
She and her dad never had the sort of relationship where she shared her burdens with him. They were in a rebuilding phase at the moment, but there was still a lot of ground to cover.
With a sigh of exasperation, she turned to leave but the door opened at that exact moment.
“Honey bee, why are you leaving? You didn’t even knock.”
Her eyes drifted shut hearing the censure in his tone. Yet another person she’d disappointed.
Turning back around, she walked up to her dad and wrapped her arms around him, laying her head on his chest, inhaling the reassuring scent of Old Spice. After half a heartbeat, his arms closed around her holding her tightly. He took a couple of steps backward and she followed until they were inside his house. She registered the door slamming shut, but was conscious only of the movement of her dad’s hand up and down her spine, comforting her when she needed it the most.
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