by J Rose
“You care about her too,” I hear someone say.
“She’ll never trust me,” I hear someone else say but somehow his voice is comforting to me as I fade into the darkness again.
“Everything’s going to be okay I promise.”
This time I know this voice. I can recognize it because I’ve heard it my entire life. When I open my eyes my mother’s looking at me. Her kind eyes showing concern for me; pity. I feel my throat closing up as I look back at her, the air begins to lack in my lungs. My heart races a mile a minute, as do my thoughts.
“Pitiful,” I thought to myself. That’s what I’ll become to everyone. I will no longer be the weird girl, the quiet one. Had Parker told everyone about who I was? Had he so viciously been the one to spill my secrets out to everyone? I’d rather be hated than pitied. Hate I could deal with, I’d been hated my entire life by everyone. But pity? Pity was the only thing I never wanted to see in anyone’s eyes, not for me. Silently I felt a tear falling down my cheek and that’s when I knew, that’s when I realized everything had finally crumbled. The last shards of my heart, of my soul, had finally vanished.
I was broken far beyond repair. I could hear my mother talking to me trying to comfort me. I could see her hand on my arm but I couldn’t feel it anymore. I couldn’t feel anything. I was wrapped by artificial warmth given to me by the sheets I was wrapped in but I felt so cold. The light seemed to minimize inside my heart the soft flame finally flickering off. I could no longer hear anything spoken to me, not a sound, not anything. Time had frozen over and hell had consumed me burying me alive. There was nothing. I was nothing. I could hear my father’s voice inside my head surrounding me. Screaming at me once more. All I could think of at the moment was how right he had been.
#
Being broken was like being in a dream. I was in an out of a constant emptiness, a constant fog. I preferred it, the darkness. Every time I was outside of it I learned more things about what everyone knew now. What would become of me? My father was dead. I felt nothing, no sadness, no anger, not a shred of regret. Did that make me a monster? Was I like him? Maybe. After all, I was his daughter. I could see the concern in my mother’s eyes, the concern in Crystal and Spencer’s eyes but I no longer cared. I no longer wanted to keep putting on that mask. Why bother when everyone knew? When everyone finally saw through it. Then there was that mark. It no longer hurt.
I had been in the hospital for 2 weeks that much I was aware of. It was still healing. A burn like that, a mark like that would never go away. It would always be a constant reminder of that horrible day. A reminder of what my life was, what my father was, what I would always be. It seemed like all the ugly, all the failure, everything that was ever wrong about me finally bubbled to the surface and it was that mark.
“Lyric. It’s time to go,” My mother says gently taking me by the hand and leading me out. I can see Crystal and Spencer waiting for us a few paces away. Their eyes show concern but I don’t understand why it is or why they’ve stuck around for so long. They know the truth and yet they’re still here?
“My father’s arranged for you to stay at a new house.” I hear Spencer say but it’s the last thing I hear before my world once again goes black and I am stuck inside my mind once more...
#
The nightmares won’t stop. Every night I wake up screaming. Everything that clouds my mind, all the negative, all those hateful words. They all bubble to the surface when night begins to consume me. I don’t sleep. Not anymore. I’ve been away from school for so long but I don’t regret it. King Thomas arranged counseling for me. I won’t speak. I refuse to speak to anyone about it. Not Crystal, Spencer, my mother, especially not a stranger. They’ve given me medication for anxiety but I don’t take it. I’ve thought about it, killing myself. The thought feels so tempting. I’ve gathered so many pills that I could take them and just go to sleep. Forever. I’ve hidden them under my mattress in a small bag. Every night that I don’t sleep I concentrate on them. Thinking if this should be the night? If this could be the moment? But the thought of leaving my mother alone stops me.
Crystal and Spencer come to visit me every single day. I don’t speak at all, but they do. They tell me about their day sometimes and when I do listen, I imagine that I’m her, Crystal. Sometimes I dream about having someone like Spencer with me. Someone who cares about me so deeply, so profoundly that they’d do anything for me. Someone to love me. Then I realize my life has nothing and I wake up from those dreams. I know somewhere out there he’s waiting for me, my soul mate but I can’t live like this anymore. I’m far too afraid of rejection, far too afraid to face the love of my life only for him to realize I’m not what he expected or deserves. Thinking of him makes my heart ache. How could he ever love someone so broken and frail as I am?...
#
Going back to school was the hardest thing I’ve had to do so far. I was so afraid of the whispers, the gossip, and the hate. What would people say about me? However, none of that horrified me more than seeing him again. Parker. I hadn’t seen him since the fire and I was far too afraid to face him now more than I had ever been. He had seen through my mask, seen past my walls, and discovered the truth hidden deep under my soul. He knew exactly who I was. How truly hateful, and utterly worthless I am.
On that first day back to school Spencer and Crystal were both at my side. If I still felt anything maybe I would have felt warmth, but I felt cold, alone and empty. I couldn’t look up anymore, I did not dare look at anyone. Their silence spoke volumes to me about what they thought, what they felt, pity.
It was like walking on eggshells. Each step I took seemed to sound off and echo throughout the halls disrupting the silence. I could feel their eyes on me. Judging me, pitying me. I wanted to close my eyes and somehow wind up back in my room. Instead of feeling safe I was stuck here.
*Bump, Ba-bump, Ba-bump*
My racing heart was all it took to know he was near me. Parker. I didn’t want to see him. I couldn’t face him yet. Not today, maybe not ever. The closer I was to my locker the faster my heart sped. I felt as though my heart would jump out of my chest any second or at most explode inside me from the tension.
“Please,” I wanted to say to Crystal.
“Please don’t make me see him,” I wanted to plead. But as always, I could never find my voice, not that I had spoken since the accident. Crystal must have somehow seen the tension or at least felt it by my body language because I felt a hand on my back run up and down.
“It’s okay,” She spoke in concern.
“You can use my locker Spencer will get your books out of yours,” She says gently.
Faster and faster my heart races and I can feel our paths crossing. I don’t dare look up at him now more than ever. I silently plead with God not to let him see me, not to let him stop me. Not to say anything. My feet can’t seem to move faster and I feel like a snail slowly walking past him. When it’s over and we’ve passed several lockers, I can’t seem to breathe. I don’t realize it but I’m gasping out for air.
“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Just breathe,” Crystal says concerned.
For the most part, people ignore me. They don’t bother me. No longer do I hear anyone say or whisper anything about me. The halls have gone silent, he’s gone silent. The teachers no longer ask anything of me. They don’t expect me to turn things in on time, to participate in class or to even do homework. Not that I do it either way. I no longer feel the need to do anything. What’s the point of striving?... of wanting to better myself if in the end there is nothing?... There will never be anything...
Lost in my own thoughts I don’t notice Scott Miller. It’s only when I feel myself falling and my books flying everywhere that I snap out of my own thoughts.
“Watch where the hell you’re going you stupid mute!” He yells his screams echo out through the hallway.
“Didn’t you hear me?” He yells grabbing my arm harshly and pulling me up only to push me back down on to th
e ground. I can feel the sting on my hands as I land but still, I don’t dare say a word.
“Parker was right! People like you shouldn’t exist,” He says before he spits at me and walks away. The hallway that is silent now seems even more silent if that were possible.
“Come on Lyric,” Crystal says suddenly at my side but I can’t seem to get up or move.
“He’s right. I shouldn’t exist,” I say to myself.
Crystal and Spencer take me home early. Crystal cleans me up and spends the day with me trying to comfort me, take care of me. But it’s far too late for that. I keep checking the clock waiting for her to leave and she does when my mom arrives. For a few moments, I contemplate what to do. I check my mattress to make sure that the pills are there.
“It has to be tonight,” I tell myself, before going over to my desk and taking out a piece of paper and a pen.
It is there that I write my letter. Something that would hopefully give my mother closure.
“Lyric come downstairs for dinner,” She calls out and I simply put the note away under my mattress before going downstairs. I don’t make conversation with my mother. I just pretend to listen. My eyes keep shifting to the clock on the wall counting down the moments for what I am about to do. I don’t regret what I’m about to do.
“I just want to be at peace,” I whisper to myself though my mother does not hear me.
“Lyric honey you have to eat something. You have to get better,” She pleads. I can see the sadness in her eyes but I don’t let it faze me, not anymore.
“I have to do this for me,” I think to myself.
“Just a few bites. At least eat your vegetable. Please, honey. Just try,” She begs again. Slowly I reach for a steamed carrot on my plate and I take a small bite.
Every night it’s like this. She’ll plead with me to eat. The most I do is take a few bites of this or that. When I think about the irony, I want to laugh. Months ago I would have killed for food but now, now I wouldn’t care if I starved to death or not. Not that I was hungry now. She doesn’t say anything to me when I push the plate of food away like every single night. She doesn’t try to hug me anymore or tell me that things are going to be okay. I think deep down she knows it’ll never be okay. I can see the hurt in her eyes when I move to walk away and the longing she has to just hold me. Somehow I find myself not needing it. Not wanting anyone’s touch. The first thing I do when I head to my room is lock the door. I don’t want my mom to come in. Not until tomorrow. I make my way to my bed and move the mattress aside.
My heart seems to stop and I feel myself shake. The pills are gone. The note is gone. My hands seem to search endlessly for them making the mattress fall on to the floor with a loud thump. I don’t hear my mother running up the stairs nor do I hear the pounding on the door as she calls my name.
“It’s all gone,” I think to myself.
“No.”
I don’t realize it then but I am screaming. My body is shaking as tears run down my face. This was my way out. This was the only thing I could do.
“Something. Anything” I think to myself going over to my desk and trying to find anything at all. Something to end it. My mothers’ cries are void to my ears.
“No!”
I can’t find anything at all. Nothing that will help accomplish what I so desperately want. When my eyes land on the frame on my nightstand, I take it in my hands and I smash it on to the ground in desperation. There's a shattering sound that is heard when the frame hits the ground, shattering the glass to pieces. My hands shake as I pick up the biggest shard of glass I can find and I clutch it in my hands.
“I have to end it,” I think to myself as I raise the shard of glass to my left wrist. I’m not aware of anything else except observing as the shard of glass is descending toward my wrist. I don’t hear someone come in through my window I only react when his hand is on my neck and suddenly. Nothing.
“I’m so sorry,” I hear that same comforting voice whisper before I've fully succumbed to the darkness once more.
CHAPTER 5:
WALK AWAY
(Parker)
If there was ever a time where I could go back, now would be the moment. I know I’ve caused you so much pain but I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could make everything better. Somewhere deep inside of me I know it’s not my fault but seeing you so broken I can’t help but blame myself.
“Parker." Snapping out of my own thoughts I turn to look at Crystal who is once again at the door with Spencer.
“The doctor says she’ll be awake soon,” Spencer says.
“I probably should go,” I say to them just as Lyrics mother walks in. She offers me a kind smile, but it only seems to further my guilt knowing that I was part of the problem. I was only glad that Spencer and Crystal had kept this quiet to her. I just wanted to be near Lyric, to make sure that she would be okay.
“You don’t have to go it would be good for her to see the people that care about her here,” Her mother says to me.
“Care,” I thought to myself.
The word sounded so foreign to me when it came to Lyric. I hadn’t “cared” for anyone in such a long time, much less her. Things had changed, maybe it was my guilt that was keeping me here. Still, I realized that even if I wanted to stay, which I did. Lyric would never accept me as a friend, much less think of me as someone that cared for her. I had been an asshole to her. Much more than that I had tormented her all along and she had quietly taken my bullshit.
“I’m late,” I managed to say. Sure it wasn’t a great lie, but I knew that if she woke up to find me at her side, she’d only be terrified. I couldn’t deal with it, the pain and terror in her eyes that she directed toward me, not again.
Walking out of the hospital room I tried to walk out and leave, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The need to make sure she was really okay was something that I could not control. I knew the room next door was empty, so I walked in closing the door behind me. I could hear her heartbeat monitor through the wall. For hours on end, it had been the only thing I had listened to for the past few days. It seemed like the only thing that kept me sane, made me feel relaxed, knowing that she was still here somehow eased that guilt for me. Still, I needed to know she was truly okay for both of our sakes... I had not slept in days and when I finally found sleep calling me I succumbed to it.
#
The River seemed to flow on for miles like a great pool of nothingness. The sky around me was dark and the moon was shining out for the night. I found myself sitting in the green grass leaning against a large tree to what felt like a lonely island. Looking at the river floor I saw her.
When she swam by I could see her clearly. Only this time it was not Lyric, but Angel. She was smiling at me as she swam closer to me ready to emerge out. When she finally did, she was completely dry, and she wore a white frilly summer dress. There was a soft smile on her face and she seemed to be happy.
“Can I sit with you?” She asked and all I could do was nod to her not knowing what to say.
“It’s not so bad here you know. This place is murky but since I’ve met you and her it’s beginning to clear,” She says, offering me a smile.
“You care about her so much. I can see it by the way you look at her,” She spoke, her voice soft if only for a second before her olive green eyes seem to harden.
“You hurt her,” she says. Although her tone is simply stating a fact, more than accusing me, I can’t help the guilt that washes over me because I know it’s true.
“If you broke it, her. Maybe there’s a way to fix it,” she says. For a second I can’t help but look at her. She reminds me of Lyric so much and I wonder if she could ever forgive the people that did this to her.
“It wasn’t them,” She says, and I wonder if I’ve spoken out loud.
She seems to revert to that girl I found in the river a few weeks back. Her hair falls to her face, and she tucks her knees closer to herself. It was almost like looking at a broken Lyric.
“I did this to myself. The self-loathe, the mockery. All of that was too much for me. I had tormentors but if I had just, been stronger,” Her voice trailed off unable to finish. There was a long pause, almost as if she were trying to find the right words to describe what was going on in her head throughout her pain. All I could see was her eyes which began to stain with unshed tears pulling at my heartstrings. I wondered if this was what I made Lyric feel too.
“If I'd just...had someone like you with me, Maybe I could have been saved. You don’t understand it yet, maybe for a while, she won’t either. But someday she will, and you’ll realize that all this was just a bad dream,” She whispered, resting her head on her knees.
“Don’t let her break more than she already has. Don’t let her break the way I was broken. Beyond repair." Tears fall from her eyes before she quickly reaches up to wipe them away. She forces a smile and nods trying her best to sound cheerful.
“Go, she needs you now," Angel whispers.
#
“Somebody, please! Somebody!"
Startled I’m woken up by Lyric's screams of terror. It takes everything I have not to rush to her side. All I can do is stay next door listening in frustration at her screams. I can hear Crystal and Spencer trying to calm her down while nurses rush into her room. The pain of hearing her suffer is excruciating.
“They know everyone knows.” It’s only a whisper but I hear her words. I don’t have to think much about what she means because I know what it is she’s talking about. Shutting my eyes tightly I try not to let my guilt and anger get the best of me.
