He pauses to lay a kiss on my hair, so gently, while his thumb starts moving back and forth across my arm, caressing my skin. “Anyway, he had that ratty, blond hair and those bloodshot grey eyes like you’d described, and there was a set of scratches down the side of his cheek that you said you’d put there. He started muttering about how sorry he was, how he couldn’t help himself when he saw you. But I shut him up real quick, because I got to kicking him and didn’t stop until he was spitting up blood. Then he tried crawling away, and that’s when I stomped on his calf and heard the bone break. Did the same with the other one and knew he wouldn’t be going anywhere then. He started babbling on again, about how sorry he was, but I kicked him good in the head and his eyes rolled back. Not hard enough to kill him mind you, but enough to knock him out. I didn’t want to have to listen to all that whining while we dug his grave.”
He takes another sip of his drink and I hear Red pouring some more in his glass. “So I sent you back to the truck for the shovels, didn’t I, Red? And you were all shook up, puking off to the side and as white as a ghost. But you went and got them, then came back to see me stepping from behind a tree and wiping at my mouth, because I’d gotten sick too. But that didn’t stop us, did it, Red? Nope. We found a good tucked away spot and dug a grave so deep it took us hours. Was starting to get dark by the time we were finished, but still plenty of light to see. And that gave us time for the fucker to come back around. We set him up on that big pile of dirt, so he could see where he was headed. Then I made you get your knives out, which you always had on you by then, remember? When he saw those, he got to squirming, but he wasn’t going anywhere.
“I yanked his shirt open, showing his pasty skin and ribs, and the bruises that were already spreading out from where I’d kicked him. Had a stain on his groin too, from pissing his pants, and he was crying now, slobbering all over the damn place about how much he didn’t want to die. And you wanted to hightail it out there so bad, Red, remember that? I could see it in your eyes, but you didn’t, did you? You stayed and held him, while I sunk a blade into his side and slid it across his gut. Then at the risk of me calling you a coward, you sunk the blade in on the other side and did the same. Aww, it was a mess, blood and entrails everywhere. We let the fucker go and he slid into the hole we’d dug, his body opened up and laying at all these weird angles. He was staring up at the stars, still blinking when I tossed the first bit of dirt on him.”
“Remember that, Red? Oh wait, you probably didn’t notice because you were off puking again and trying to wrap your thumb up. You’d sliced it good from shaking so hard with that knife in your hands. But we did it, didn’t we? We sold our souls for little Ava here. I guess I was already a goner, my parents had made sure of that. But you—that did something to you, didn’t it, Red? Took you forever to lose that lost look in your eyes. But you did, eventually. Because you did it for the same reason I did. You did it for Ava.”
Silence settles, and I know Shayne is still stroking my skin in that soft way, but I don’t feel it. All I feel is the storm in my belly, churning everything up. I scramble off his lap and barely make it to the sink before it all comes up. I’m still heaving when I feel Shayne come up behind me, pull my hair out of the way, and start rubbing my back.
“I’m leaving,” I hear Red say, quietly.
“Alright,” Shayne says, still rubbing my back. “Thanks for coming. That was fun, wasn’t it? Got to do that again sometime.”
I hear the slam of a door, and now I’m sliding. Sliding to the floor, and into darkness.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Ava
When I come around, all I want to do is crawl back under, but the throb in my hand won’t let me. Then the memories come back, of the things he did, the things he said. My mind wants to crack, but I won’t let it. My stomach wants to hurl, but there’s nothing left to come back up.
I peel my eyes open and see grey walls. I think I’m back in my room at first, but there’s something different. Something unfamiliar. I blink, over and over, trying to adjust to the dim light. When things start to come into focus, I realize I’m not in my room. I’m someplace else. Someplace dank.
It takes me a minute, but I manage to sit up, and notice my hand is wrapped with an ace bandage, poorly, like a child did it. Beneath me is a stained twin mattress that lies on a dirty cement floor, with bits of trash scattered about, including dozens of empty Roman Meal bags. I look around, trying to focus through the shadows, and see wood framing, a set of stairs, an old water heater and a furnace, and I know I’m in a basement. But it’s not new like the rest of the house, it’s old.
Off to the side I see a door, open to a bathroom. In a far corner is a workout bench, with weights scattered all around it. Hanging on some nails in the framing are clothes. Clothes I recognize as Shayne’s clothes. In the middle of the room are more clothes, piled up on the floor in a big heap. But they’re not men’s clothes, they’re women’s clothes, all mixed in with shoes and a big open box with jewelry spilling out. Things that were all in a room once. A room he made just for me, in a house he made for me too. The guilt floods me and I look away. That’s when I see the two television screens in the nearby corner. On one screen is a live feed to my room, that sits empty and quiet, the other is to my closet, that sits dark and greenish, from what must be a night vision camera.
“Was wonderin’ when you’d come ‘round.”
I freeze, hearing the beast’s drunken voice, but not knowing where he is. My gaze darts around the room, still trying to adjust to the shadows. Then I see him, across from me, sitting deep in the darkness. He’s on the floor, under the stairs, with his back against the wall and his legs laid out in front of him, barefoot now. From the way the light hits him, I can see his shirt is open, revealing his ripped torso and some of the tattoo beneath, and he has the Jim Beam bottle in one hand, and something else in the other hand. I squint to make it out, then something in me goes real still. It’s a pistol, resting against his thigh.
Careful.
Be so careful.
I back up slowly, as far as I can go into the corner, and huddle there, holding my hand to my chest.
The beast smiles, his white teeth flashing through the black. “Whas wrong, Ava? You ‘fraid of m’ little friend here?” He waves the pistol around, sets it back on his thigh and takes a swig from the bottle.
I look around quickly, feeling like a rabbit caught in a wolf’s lair—a wounded wolf’s lair. At the top of the stairs, the door is closed. I wonder if it’s locked. There’s no other way out.
“You have no idea, d’ you?” he asks.
So dangerous. So dangerous when the beast is this drunk. But I don’t have a porch to hide under. I have no hills to run to. There’s nowhere to hide.
“Nah. You and th’ whole town…no fuckin’ clue.”
I huddle tight, my eyes carefully on the beast now, his words not making any sense.
“D’ you rememer my brother Sean? Probly not. You were t’ young then. Looked kinda like me.” He chuckles. “Wull, not now, bu’ before.” The bottle goes to his lips again, and back to the floor with a clank. “They said was ‘n accident, playin’ with daddy’s guns, bu’ it wasn’” He shakes his head and points to a far corner of the room with the pistol. “Happened right over there. Saw th’ whole thing. I was eight, I think, and he musta been ’bout thirteen. He’d gone an’ snuck our daddy’s pistol.” He waves the gun in the air. “This ‘xact one. An’ I tol’ him he’d find out. That we’d get beat for it or worse, but he didn’ care. He jus’ sat back on his mattress, put it t’ his head an’ said, ‘If you’re smart, you’ll pick up th’ gun after me an’ do th’ same. Then…” Shayne puts the gun to his head. “Powww!” I jump, watching him pull the gun from his head, like it went off. “Brains an’ blood all o’er the place.” He chuckles. “My daddy made me clean it up too.”
He gets quiet and a sick realization settles into my gut. A realization that things were going on up here that no o
ne knew about.
“But I wasn’ smart, Ava,” he says, shaking his head. “I didn’ have the balls t’ do it. I jus kep’ lettin’ him do those things t’ me. Least I didn’ have to fight my brother no more though. He’d make us do that see? He’d even make us touch each other. Do things like that. Fact, wasn’ too long after firs’ time he made Sean get on an’ get inside me, that Sean got th’ gun.”
Shayne puts the bottle to his mouth and takes a long drink, the shadows playing along his face. He sets it down and chuckles. “That didn’ stop m’ daddy though. I was all his after that. An’ he was smart. Knew how t’ keep things lookin’ normal. He’d play th’ big man in town. Smile. Help people out. Had me wearin’ long sleeve shirts t’ school when I had bruises. Threatenin’ that if I said anythin’, he’d kill me, make it like an accident like Sean. Said no one’d believe me anyways. An’ he liked it when I got in t’ fights. Thought it made m’ looked strong, which was better than weak. Cause people mighta noticed weak. And my momma…” Shayne snorts. “My momma jus’ acted like nothin’ wrong was ever happenin’ down here. She’d just go t’ church and try to pray it ’way. She’d say daddy had th’ devil in him and couldn’ help hisself, so we had t’ help him. Let him do what th’ devil needed. That worked for her see, cause if he got his way wi’ me, and Sean when he was ’round, she was safe, and she got t’ live on th’ big ranch, and be th’ wife of th’ big man in town. Cause he didn’t do those things t’ her. Jus’ us boys. Jus’ me.”
He lets go of the bottle and grabs one of the Roman Meal bags. “This is what I lived on mos’ days, stuck down here when I wasn’ workin’ th’ ranch, an’ things like rolls o’ salami, ‘cause I was growin’ back then, and they didn’ want me lookin’ too sickly. Sometimes I’d even get t’ eat with ’em, when daddy had th’ light goin’ on in him.” He chuckles. “That’s what my momma used t’ call it. Th’ light.” He lets the bag go, and cradles the pistol in his hands, looking down at it. “I hung on fo’ a few years after that, bu’ I was gettin’ to think, maybe Sean had th’ right idea. I was close. So close. Then you know wha’ happened?” He’s staring at me now, his black eyes looking lost in the shadows. “You threw tha’ rock at me. Here you were, this tiny li’l thing, with your worl’ crumblin’ down ‘round you, cause o’ your messed up parents, and you were jus’ tearin’ me up wi’ those rocks, not carin’ I was big enough t’ stomp all o’er you. And all for some scrawny cat you didn’ even know. Hell, it’d a probly bit you if you’d tried t’ pet it. Well, I tell you what. I was in love, Ava. And I figured if you were strong enough t’ keep goin’, then maybe I was too. So I kep’ goin’, Ava. Kep’ lettin’ my daddy have his way, knowin’ I couldn’ say nothin’ to no one, cause if they did believe me, they’d a taken me away from here…away from you.”
The words hang there, ripping me to pieces, one by one. I can barely see him anymore, for the blur of tears building in my eyes.
“Then once I got a li’l older, I got smarter, see. An’ I got my daddy on video with m’ cell phone.” He chuckles. “Boy, he wasn’ too happy ‘bout it, let m’ tell you what. Specially as he’d given me th’ phone so he could get hold of me when I was out ridin’ the ranch. I stood up t’ him and said I’d given Red a sealed letter wi’ the li’l memory card inside, and that if anythin’ happened t’ me, that he should take it t’ the police one town o’er. Not Carson, cause I knew he’d side with m’ daddy. And good ol’ Red. He knew. He knew, but didn’ question or nothin’. Jus’ took it and hung on to it. And I knew m’ daddy would be too careful t’ do anythin’ t’ Red.” He takes in a long breath and slowly lets it out. “So I purty much got wha’ I wanted from ’en on. Moved down t’ the quarters in th’ barn. Got that truck when I turned sixteen. Figured all I needed t’ do then was get you t’ fall in love wi’ me.”
He laughs and throws his head back. “Awww, Ava, bu’ I had no idea how t’ do that, I was so messed up. Th’ only way I could e’er get your attention was t’ make you mad. An’ my idea o’ romance was killin’ that guy for you. An’ I wanted t’ tell you so bad what I’d done, cause I knew how scared you had t’ be, makin’ that walk t’ the bus stop, thinkin’ tha’ guy was still out there. Bu’ I couldn’ tell you, cause that’d jus’ scared you off me ev’n more. Cause you’d already seen all those things I’d done growin’ up. Hurtin’ animals, fightin’, losing it on anyone that s’ much as looked at me wrong, feelin’ like the devil was growin’ inside me, just like m’ daddy, and feelin’ helpless to do anythin’ ‘bout it. Specially that time I let loose on tha’ kid, Billy. I knew tha’ spooked you real good. An’ the thing was, it wasn’ so much that he’d put his arm ‘round you, it was more tha’ I couldn’ stand you bein’ close to any boys cuz I was worried you’d fall in love wi’ them before I had my chance. Then you said all those things ‘bout runnin’ off and not lettin’ me have you, and everythin’ jus went red, and I used whate’er I could to make sure you’d stick to th’ deal. An’ I knew how much you loved those horses. Then I know it didn’ help th’ way you thought of me either when m’ parents died in that crash, an’ everyone thought it was me. Wasn’ much I could do about it, bu’ let you all think tha’ e’en though it wasn’. Guess I figured it was somethin’ I shoulda done anyway. But I had jus turned eighteen an’ I was already plannin’ to force him t’ give me the ranch an’ most of what he had an’ leave, when it all happened. Who knows, th’ bastard probly drove th’ car right off tha’ cliff on purpose, knowin’ everyone would probly blame me. He wa’ sick like that, you know? But, hey, that lef me wi’ everything. Everythin bu’ you.”
Shayne looks at the bottle, like he forgot he was holding it, and chugs back some more. “Then I waited, an’ waited, getting so damn crazy cause you didn’ want nothin’ t’ do wi’ me cuz you knew what a piece o’ shit I was. Then that day came, when you were in trouble an’ I knew I had you. Figured by tha’ point, I’d get you any way I could, even if I had t’ corner you into it. Then I waited, an’ waited some more, for your ol’ man to shove off, an’ I built all that…” he waves the gun towards the ceiling. “Got you that li’l grey horse. An’ I kept waitin’, and waitin’, all th’ while stayin’ down here, cuz I couldn’ bring myself to stay up there wi’ out you, and e’ery second, all day, e’ery day, all I could think ‘bout was gettin’ inside you that firs’ time.” His head falls back to the wall with a thud and he rocks it back and forth. “Oh, Ava. When I walked in t’ your house that day, you might as wella cut m’ heart out from m’ chest and laid it on th’ floor and stomped all o’er it till there was nothin’ left but a big pile o’ blood.”
He jerks the bottle up to his mouth again, and back down. Now he’s looking at me. Looking and looking, and I wonder if the light is playing tricks on me, or if I see tears glistening on his cheeks. It’s hard to tell through the blur of tears that fill my own eyes.
“An’ up till then, I had this big plan all laid out. I’d move you into tha’ room I made for you, an’ I’d start sleepin’ in th’ master, instead of this shithole, that way I could be close t’ you. I mean, I knew I was goin’ to need get inside you right away, I was hurtin’ so bad for you by then, bu’ figured once I had you that the devil inside me’d settle, not be so wound up all th’ time, an’ maybe you’d see a better side o’ me, Then when you was ready you might want t’ stay the night wi’ me, you know, sleep in th’ same bed wi’ me? An’ maybe we’d go ridin’ th’ ranch together sometimes. An’ o’er time, if I could keep you wi’ me long enough, maybe you’d be able t’ find somethin’ inside me t’ love, even though no one else could. Then we’d live happily e’er after, jus’ like Johnny an’ June did. Cuz he was no saint, bu’ she helped him, you know? Got him past his demons an’ all. Took some time bu’ she did it. So I thought maybe you could help me a li’l too. An’ you know, make me a better man.” He chuckles. “Ahhh, fuck, that jus’ sounds sappy. Bet you didn’ know I was a romantic, di’ you?”
He sniffles and wipes at his f
ace with the hand holding the gun, then tips the Jim Beam back and sighs. “Then it all wen’ straight t’ hell. An’ I knew the moment I tol’ you I was sellin’ your place, then laid tha’ brand on you, that I lost any chance of gettin’ you t’ love me, but I was so mad, Ava. So mad I couldn’ see straight. But,” he says, raising the bottle like he’s giving a toast, “I got t’ marry you that day, didn’t I? And I got you doin’ anythin’ I want now. Bleedin’, screamin’, fuckin’, dressin’ up, cookin’ fancy meals. An’ I know, I know. You do it all fo’ him, I know, bu’ still. I get to do anything I want t’ you. An’ once I got tha’ room setup and we got our routine in place, I figured out that o’er time, I could get you hooked on me in other ways, by bindin’ you t’ me through th’ pain, an’ th’ pleasure, an’ th’ softness, an’ all that. It wasn’ love, bu’ it was somethin’. An’ I’ll let you in on a li’l secret, darlin’. I was tryin’ t’ get you t’ break your word in tha’ room. I was askin’ you t’ do such evil thing’s in there, hopin’ you’d reach that point where you wouldn’ do somethin’, even fo’ him. Cause I wanted t’ kill him so bad, Ava. So damn bad. And I woulda too, you know that, bu’ I didn’ wan’ t’ break my word t’ you. Was all I had left t’ prove t’ you that I might be worth somthin’. But yur so strong. So fuckin’ strong, you di’ it all.”
He looks off to the side, looking almost confused, then turns back to me and lets out a long breath. “Then o’er time, all th’ stuff I was doin’ to you was gettin’ us close, real close, in a dark sort o’ way. I could feel how you were needin’ me, and wantin’ me, but it wasn’ love you had for me. An’ tha’ hurt. It hurt in a way I wasn’ expectin’. An’ it hurt too, seein’ how you were dyin’ jus a li’l bit e’ery day in tha’ room, sort o’ like how I was dyin’ down here. That’s when I decided t’ change things up. Bu’ I had no idea how t’ handle it all. I damn near fell off m’ chair when you brought me tha’ list, cuz all th’ things I could see you were plannin’ t’ make, e’en after all th’ hell I’d been puttin’ you through. An’ tha’ hurt me e’en more. So what’d I do? I started thinkin’ o’ ways to hurt you back. Bu’ I already knew you could handle th’ hard kinda pain, so I needed to give you a different kind o’ pain. One tha’ would sting you inside, jus’ like you were stingin’ me inside. An’ once you lef’ me with th’ list and I knew Red was comin’, I had a good idea o’ how I’d do it.”
Tragic Beauty Page 20
