by Vi Voxley
Dana laughed, seeing that Rebecca was only joking to make her feel better. Besides, one of her biggest hopes had already come true. One of the women aboard the Sanguine had met her fated, just a few days ago. It showed there was no time limit to the bonds. It didn't need to happen during a festival, the celebrations were simply the most likely time and place for that.
It meant her friends still had hope. If they were going to stay with her for the whole nine months, anything could happen.
Isabel hadn't said anything. Dana guessed the joke wasn't as funny to her. Another red flag jumped up.
"Sorry," she told Rebecca. "I know this is hard to hear, but it's the truth and you asked. The problem really is that they are amazing."
"I want to slap you so badly right now," Rebecca said, laughing. "You are the weirdest person I know."
"Hear me out," Dana said, grinning, dodging a mock slap. "Havoc and Chase are amazing, yes, but they are amazing to me. That is the bond, it can't work any other way. I don't doubt their love for me, or mine for them. I just wish I had time to get to know them better, get a sense of what they would be like as fathers before we decided to have a baby.
"Don't get me wrong, they're amazing with Sean. I really like that they have bonded. But I have my doubts, though. Havoc and Chase are warlords. Gargon warlords. With all the sharp weapons and the warrior life and everything else that comes with it.
“Their ideas of bringing up a baby have to be different from mine. Their understanding of right and wrong might be the same as mine is. I just worry that all the things a couple should discuss and talk about before bringing a tiny, defenseless life into this world are going to slap me in the face when the baby is already born.
"Just like it happened with Sean. Gods know I never saw Ryan's lunacy coming."
When she was done talking, Rebecca and Isabel were quiet. They both seemed to be deep in thought, which both worried and gladdened Dana. On one hand, she would have loved for one of them to come up with an easy solution, a way to put her mind at rest and say she was just a silly girl worried about silly things.
On the other hand, it was good to see they weren't taking things lightly. Her friends were trying to help and she had to accept that in whatever form it came.
"Okay, fine," Rebecca spoke first. "I see what you mean. You went through a horrible thing and it's only natural to worry now, especially since it all happened so fast. I'm just saying, if the guys have been okay so far, there is no reason to think they are going to be any different with the baby in play.
“It's their kid too. I haven't heard of a single woman unhappy with their parenting styles. You need to trust the bond, I think.
"The love they have for you will be the same they bear towards your baby. Everything's going to be okay."
Dana let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding in.
The horrible pregnancy hormones were already taking a hold of her, making her more emotional than she normally was. Tears of relief beaded in her eyes as she listened to Rebecca. She had thought the same thing herself. It was just such a gift to hear someone else say it.
"Thank you," she said, wiping the tears away, smiling. "That helps a lot, Rebecca. I was thinking the same thing."
She turned to Isabel who hadn't spoken her mind yet. The girl was sitting, leaning against one of the huge bedposts, playing with the chalice in her hands. When she looked up, Dana's heart dropped.
"What is it?" she asked.
"It's nothing," Isabel said, smiling to her. "I agree with Rebecca. It's all good."
There was a fake quality about her smile that Dana didn't like.
"That is not what your face is saying," Dana protested, frowning. "Talk to me. I want to know what you really believe."
Isabel looked at Rebecca, who looked interested too.
"Yeah," Rebecca said. "Tell us. Maybe there's something we've missed. Go on. If we get it all out in the open right now, Dana can be at peace and not fret for nine months."
Dana dearly wished she could believe all her fears would be gone the day her baby was born.
"I don't want to be the bearer of bad news," Isabel said.
"Talk," Dana and Rebecca said at once.
"Fine, fine," Isabel said, propping herself up better and taking a sip from her chalice. "I was thinking of Hannah."
"Havoc's last fated?" Rebecca asked. "What about her? Also, I'm starting to see what Chase was thinking. You and Havoc really are a pair. Would you stop bringing that up in front of Dana? It's horrible she died, we all know that. Stop putting images of death in Dana's mind."
"It's fine," Dana interrupted. "I think it's better this way. If everyone tried to tiptoe around the subject, I think I'd lose my mind. I want to know the dangers. How else would I be prepared? I've already given birth once. It went well, but I felt better when the doctors told me everything, even if they were things I didn't want to hear, exactly."
"I've been talking to some of the people here," Isabel went on, ignoring both of them now. "I wasn't even trying to ask about Hannah. I wanted to ask about Havoc, learn if he was good enough for Dana. I found that it's impossible to talk about him without her in this house. It's like her ghost is still here."
"Really, Isabel," Rebecca tried to stop her friend, looking genuinely upset now. "Enough of that. The man had a fated once before. Of course, they remember her but that doesn't mean we need to keep talking about her."
"Go on," Dana told Isabel, ignoring Rebecca despite her gut feeling saying that Isabel was trying to rile her up on purpose.
It didn't matter to her as long as she was telling the truth. She could handle a little bitterness from Isabel, although there was a line when Dana would no longer let her sympathy soothe over sheer annoyance.
"They told me about her death. We all know she died at childbirth, right. Any other details?"
"Not important," Rebecca said, stressed both words.
"What do you know?" Dana asked.
It was a strange thing, but she hadn't – not once – felt jealous of Hannah. She really was a ghost to her, a presence that could be felt, but who couldn't really hurt her. The way Chase had told it, she had been nice and Dana was glad for that. She hated seeing Havoc broken. It meant that he'd been really happy with her. In a way, it gave her hope that her own relationship with Havoc could be as strong.
"It seems they didn't tell you everything, Havoc and Chase, I mean," Isabel continued reluctantly. "I get why, too. After your first meeting and what you told them, naturally they kept this from you. I think you have a right to know, though.
"Hannah killed herself. The childbirth was too much for her. She did it with Havoc's dagger. I saw one in the weapons room the other day and the servants told me it had been hers. Very similar to the one he made for you."
"That is absolutely terrible," Dana said, her blood frozen in her veins, when she could manage to speak again. "Poor Havoc... I get why he looked at me like that now. He has to know I'd never do that, right?"
Rebecca was nodding, speechless, but Isabel still had that odd look on her face. Dana felt her anger rising.
"Now what?" she demanded coldly. "If you're trying to scare me, it hasn't worked. Havoc might have a few flaws I don't know about but not telling me about his last bride's gruesome death isn't one of them. I have no use for this knowledge except for the fact I now understand Havoc's grief and concern better."
Isabel nodded, seeming deep in thought.
"I wasn't trying to scare you," she said. "You wanted the truth and this is what the healers won't tell you. They are scared out of their wits for you, after all. Imagine if they lost Havoc's second fated."
"Fuck you," Dana snarled, her hands shaking in fury. "Get out, Isabel."
The girl stood, looking back at her with a gaze that was supposed to be pitying, yet coming off perversely satisfied.
"The truth is, Dana," she said, "is that you wouldn't be the first Terran woman to suffer this fate. The childbirth was bad enough for Hannah
to cut her own wrists, after all. And the reason why Havoc and Chase didn't tell you is because they want that baby so badly they're willing to risk your life for it. Sound familiar?"
Dana couldn't remember ever being so furious in her entire life, even on that evening, rushing out of Ryan's house with Sean in her arms. By her side, Rebecca was staring at Isabel, her mouth hanging open in mute shock. For a long moment, Isabel had robbed them both of words.
"Get out!" Dana yelled then, throwing her chalice at Isabel, who dodged easily. "How dare you!? You of all people should know how the bonds work! They would never endanger me on purpose!"
"Oh no?" Isabel asked icily, opening the door. "By not telling you, they already did. And by the way – even after hearing about your "little" scare during the first month of your pregnancy, they still didn't say anything. I'm sure crossing their fingers and hoping for the best will work, though."
With that, she was gone and Dana was left sitting in the bed, fuming. She could barely breathe through the rage beating in her veins. A stab of pain shot through her, reminding her that there were harsh truths in the midst of Isabel's cruel words. Her fated hadn't told her the whole truth about Hannah and while she didn't think they would have risked her health, it didn't sit well with her either.
Dana couldn't see the truth through the mist of her fears.
Her heart seemed to beat a little bit slower.
20
Dana
Four months later...
Rebecca had kicked Isabel out of the villa, which Dana was very thankful for. She didn't think she could face the woman after what she'd said.
Isabel's words stayed, however. Even Rebecca was feeling it. The conversations between her and Dana were quiet now, a little awkward even. The reason was obvious. There was nothing more to say. The truths were as true as anything in the world, despite the fact that Dana still held on to the belief that the warlords had a good reason to hide the cause of Hannah's death from her. .
It didn't let go of her, the fear Isabel had brought. In the most masochistic way, Dana was glad that she'd told her. At least the truth didn't come out many years down the line. Now that it was out, however, she didn't know what to do with it.
It didn't make her feel good, it didn't make anything better. In fact, for the first time since Dana had arrived on Octava, she was as miserable as she'd been on the Sanguine all those years.
She didn't want it all to fall apart, not when she'd finally given herself the chance to make it work. Every day, she woke up with the resolve to stop thinking about it and every day, the pregnancy hormones and her own broken heart brought it back. The fight or flight instinct in her was warring.
First and foremost, Dana swore she wouldn't let anything happen to her children. Both her babies needed to have a good life and she wanted to be around to see it.
Dana was afraid and it was slowly taking hold of her.
It's all going to be okay, she told herself. I'm just freaking out because they're not here and I'm alone and Isabel is a bitch. I'm okay.
The reassurances sounded hollow.
More than anything, Dana wanted to talk to Havoc and Chase. Even in her self-imposed misery, she knew she needed to give the warlords a chance to speak their part. So far, everything she knew came from Isabel.
There had been moments when Dana tried to comfort herself by trying to convince her heart that Isabel had been mistaken. That she'd been lied to or there were facts neither one of them knew yet.
She couldn't manage that. The fear had taken a firm grip around her heart, refusing to let go and the only ones who could ease her tension were far, far away.
It was frustrating and infuriating. All the good memories, all her hopes for the future – they were covered in black dust, marring everything as she sank deeper and deeper into doubt. Dana would have given everything to know if she was being overprotective of herself, Sean and the baby or if she'd really been deluded into false safety again.
In the end, she couldn't wait for the communications to clear anymore.
Every day, news of the raging war poured in. Havoc and Chase were now right in the middle of it, battling the army the League had mustered. They had even had a brush with the twins already, although no physical fight yet.
Listening to those news, Dana felt like she was going insane. Her heart was wrecked with concern and fear for her fateds. Her body's adjustment to the pregnancy wasn't making anything easier either. She knew she was getting more temperamental, more moody, as was natural. She could hear the words coming out of her mouth when she spoke to Rebecca and the villa's staff, yet was mostly powerless to stop it. She’d done a lot of after the fact apologizing over the last few days.
She found Captain Berollen overseeing the adjustments of the villa. For months now, the work had been going on to fit the vast complex for a baby. If Dana had thought humans sometimes went overboard with baby-proofing, it seemed Havoc and Chase had completely lost their minds. The instructions they'd sent basically told the staff to take down half the house.
Dana was very grateful for the fact that the warlords had also given strict instructions not to disturb or stress her out in any way. So while the villa was being torn down and rebuilt, there was barely any noise and nothing else that could have harmed her or the baby.
In theory, that was. As she walked across the yard, Captain Berollen nearly knocked her over when he came to meet her, quickly leading her away from the latest project. It seemed to be stuffing all the fences around the second-floor balcony.
Dana didn't think even a mouse could have climbed through those holes. Clearly, Havoc and Chase didn't agree.
"You shouldn't be here, Miss Dana," the captain said. "I am aware you have an appointment with the healers today. You should be resting. I can send someone to bring you cool drinks."
"I'm okay," Dana lied, trying to smile. "I needed to stretch my legs. I'm not doing anything the healers said I shouldn't. Walking is actually healthy for me. I can't just sit on my ass all day."
Captain Berollen observed her with a questioning look as though he wasn't entirely sure she meant all that.
"I can't stop you," he said again then in a suffering voice, his favorite complaint. "Was there something you wanted from that wing? I can have it brought to you."
"No, no," Dana said, leading them to walk down to the lovely little lake right under the mountainside that cast a shadow over the villa in the evenings. "I was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you."
The captain stood on guard at once.
"If I can help you, I will," he reported dutifully.
Yeah, you shouldn't say that. Poor man.
"I want you to tell me about Hannah,” she began carefully, gauging the man for his response. “Particularly the night she died. I have been trying to reach Havoc, but you know as well as I do that I can't."
Captain Berollen stared, gaping like a fish.
"Don't make me do this, Miss," he said at last, almost begging. "I can't betray my commander like this. It's not my place to say."
"I didn't want this either," Dana told him sadly. "I'm simply losing my mind and it's better for me to lose it for a real reason. I need to know that Sean and I can make a home here. For that, I need the truth. I'll try not to ask anything too inappropriate."
The captain looked like he would rather be facing the entire League alone. He nodded reluctantly. Very reluctantly. Dana pitied him, but she couldn't keep wandering in the dark anymore.
"Were you here?" she asked. "The night she died?"
"Yes," Berollen said seriously. "The commander has honored me with a long service."
"Do you know what happened?" Dana asked. "Do you know why they lost her and the baby?"
There was a long pause.
Then, "Yes".
Dana took a deep breath. It was now or never.
"Tell me. My friend said that Hannah killed herself because she was in so much pain. Is that true?"
Her heart was beating so loudly
she could hear it in her ears. Berollen was looking at her with a mixed expression of fear, dread and sadness.
"Yes and no," he replied.
"What kind of an answer is that?"
Captain Berollen looked like he was in physical pain, just from talking to her about such a topic. Dana sympathized but he was the best she could do without the warlords.
"Miss Hannah was never... strong," Berollen admitted in a breaking voice. "A very nice female, but frail and sad sometimes. That's just the way she was. Everyone could see that.
“When she got pregnant, the fears naturally came up as to how well she would tolerate the discomfort that many Terran women experience. Birthing a Gargon baby is… a challenge. Gargons and Terrans are compatible, but we are still different species. The birth itself… well, it was too much for her."
"Did she know?" Dana asked, the words hurting on her tongue. "Did Hannah know she was in danger?"
"She knew," Captain Berollen said. "I have to say, she wasn't in more danger than any other Terran woman. Or any woman at all. You can't have guarantees with inter-species childbirth. But Hannah was definitely aware of the dangers. She was willing to risk it. She and the commander wanted the baby."
Dana could understand that, but the fear in her heart was only fed by that admission. A part of her had hoped, somewhat cruelly, that Hannah hadn't been sure, that she hadn't been prepared to fight for her child. To know she'd taken a calculated risk and still not pulled through... it was terrifying.
She had never missed her fateds more, never needed them by her side more.
The fear for herself was nothing compared to the fear for her baby. Hannah had lost her son. Dana could almost understand why she had done what she had. With Sean, the thought wouldn't even cross her own mind, but Dana was paralyzed with fear for the child still in her belly.
There was one more thing. Hannah had known what she was risking with. She didn't. Dana cursed Isabel to the ground, for the girl had managed to plant a seed of doubt in her heart. Had Havoc and Chase not told her on purpose, not to scare her away from pregnancy forever? Didn't they trust her?
