by Vi Voxley
Dana's heart leaped. At least she thought it did.
She didn't know what to feel or what she was feeling. The first, undeniable emotion had been happiness, and hope. With the warlords back by her side, they could finally start healing. She would try and put her pregnancy moods away and everything would be fine.
Smooth sailing, she chided herself. There is no such thing. Nothing good in this life comes without fighting for it. That's what makes it good.
She took a deep breath, smiling to herself in the mirror. Sean skipped away, probably to deliver the good news to everyone who hadn't heard yet. Rebecca chuckled, resuming tying up her dress.
"You ready for them?" the girl asked.
"What do you think?" Dana retorted. "I'm terrified. I want them so badly. I want this to work so much. I've been thinking that this is my last chance at a normal life."
"Is that a reason enough?" Rebecca asked carefully.
From the mirror, Dana could see the woman’s dark eyes regarding her seriously. The balloon of hope in her chest burst, although she knew herself it wasn't that strong to begin with.
"What do you mean?"
"Honestly?"
"Yes, honestly. That's the only thing I've wanted from you from the beginning. I thought we'd established that."
Rebecca snorted, continuing then.
"I mean that I've watched you go through this alone for eight months now. I'm not saying it's their fault. Gods know they are saving all of our asses out there. That's fine. They're right to be there."
"Of course," Dana said, urging her on. "I never blamed them for that. How could I?"
I might have told them that, though. Or at least phrased it better. It's not that I resent them for not being here with me. I just wish the circumstances were different and they could be.
"Right. So, all this time you've been here, thinking this through and trying to make this place your home. I see the way you walk around, imagining if this truly were the house you lived in for the rest of your life. Making plans and imagining the future. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it hasn't worked, has it?"
No.
"No," Dana said very quietly.
"That's because there is something holding you back," Rebecca went on. "You can't force happiness and love and acceptance. The woman I met would never have said anything as stupid as "this might be my last chance". When your fateds get back, you better have your heart set is all I'm saying. Otherwise you'll just keep withering. Have you decided what you want to do?"
Have I?
"I don't know," Dana said, unable to tear her eyes from her mirror image. "I really don't know."
"You better start knowing," Rebecca said. "The guys who come home soon love you above everything else. It's not a gift to be squandered, but you can't accept it as a last resort either. That is not fair to any of you. Make up your mind."
She gave Dana a soothing pat on the shoulder and left. Dana remained where she was, observing the woman that she'd become.
It wasn't ideal, no. There were so many doubts in her heart, so many fears. On the other hand, there was the love that had never really left her system during all those long months of loneliness and terror. Havoc and Chase were like visions before her eyes, never changing. She wished with all her heart she could believe they were always going to be there.
She thought of Sean as well. Her son loved her fateds, they could easily have been father figures to him. Gods knew they would be better at that than her toxic ex. Dana just wasn't sure if her warlords were ready for that kind of commitment, that responsibility in addition to their own baby. Their flesh and blood.
As she waited, Dana didn't really know anything anymore.
23
Dana
A week later...
They were home.
She stood much where they'd left her when the two dropships had taken her fateds away to war. Now, Dana watched two similar crafts land neatly a little away from her not to catch her in the drift.
Her long blue dress flew in the wind as she waited, alone. Rebecca had agreed to watch after Sean gladly. Her son, of course, had been devastated that he needed to wait to greet the champions of Octava.
The entire planet was celebrating the end of the war. Soon, the capital would expect them all to make an appearance. Havoc and Chase would show off the war trophies, assuring everyone that the Alliance was safe once again. And Dana would show off her belly, showing that the champions of Octava would guard the planet for another generation still.
All her hopes were firmly nailed on the day her fateds arrived back home. They would either set everything right again and bring her back into the realm of the living – or they wouldn't, in which case... Dana still didn't know. The only truth in her mind was that she wasn't nearly as glad to see her fateds back from war as she'd expected to be when she sent them there.
Havoc and Chase appeared from the dropships and Dana noticed the rift between them first. Before, her two warlords had been constantly at each other's throats unless it came to her well-being. Now it seemed as though they were hardly speaking at all.
When they'd left, her fateds had gone to the war together. Now they approached as far from each other as it was possible to be without actively avoiding the other.
It wasn't encouraging.
Her body reacted long before her troubled mind. She hadn't properly seen them for months and they looked as spectacular as ever. Her gentle giant and her dark prince. Dana shuddered a little, watching her warlords walk towards her with long, fast strides that told her exactly how badly they'd missed her.
Chase reached her first, pulling her into his strong embrace and claiming her lips. His mouth was hot and hungry and divine against hers. Dana melted into the kiss, her hands pulling herself up by the straps of Chase's armor. Her belly was pressing against the cold metal, making the baby inside her kick.
Havoc brought her into his arms as soon as Chase had released her, giving her the same welcome as Chase had. Dana had already forgotten how tall Havoc was. She had to rise to her tiptoes to be able to kiss the warlord properly, and that was with him leaning into her. Havoc held her like he never planned to let go.
When the need for air became too great, Dana pulled back with the first real smile on her lips in a very long time.
"It's good to have you home," she said simply. "And victorious, thank the gods."
"It's good to be back," Chase said, his hand going towards her belly. "How is the baby?"
"We haven't had news from you in a while," Havoc added. "Is everything alright with our child?"
"Yes," Dana said, a little taken aback. "We're both fine. No more scares."
"That's good," Havoc said with a smile. "I'm glad everything is okay."
Then everything fell apart. In one moment, Dana caught the whiff of the dark winds of fate and Chase opened his mouth, very pleased with himself.
"The healers tell us you are very close to delivering," he said. "We're taking you to a very nice healing center so they can better look after you. In the meanwhile, we've arranged for Sean to take part in a young warrior training, see if he likes it. Hopefully it can help him to make up his mind about whether he wants to become one."
That again. Didn't I say no to this once? And didn't I mention I like it when things that concern me are discussed with me?
"I don't think that–" Dana began but Chase wasn't finished, apparently.
"Especially since you need to devote your attention to the baby soon," the warlord added. "We thought it would be good to give you a little break."
Dana stared, not believing the words coming out of Chase's mouth but apparently the warlords didn't exist in the same universe she did.
"A break," she repeated. "From my son?"
She saw the faces of her fateds drop, then become serious.
"That is not what we meant," Havoc said darkly. "Why do you always assume the worst of us? We thought you could use some rest when the baby is born and naturally needs you more."<
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Her anger rose like a tidal wave, ready to wash over everything in her way.
"Why!?" she snapped. "I don't need a break from my son! I have the attention span to look after more than one child at a time and Sean doesn't tire me! He will help me take care of his new sibling, he's been excited for it for months now."
"Of course he wants to help," Chase replied this time. "But we think it's better if you handle the baby while he's an infant. It's important that he's safe."
"Do you think Sean will drop him? Do you think I’d be that irresponsible?" Dana demanded, not believing her ears. "And how can you talk of safety when you want to ship my son to some military camp so he wouldn't be in the way of your baby?"
"That's not how it is," Havoc argued, more than a hint of anger in his voice.
"That's damn well how it sounds like," Dana shot back, shaking with anger. "I don't need lessons or for you to make arrangements for me which you once again haven't talked through with me. I already raised one child, I can–"
"Yes, you did," Chase cut in. "And you did a wonderful job of keeping him. Now you have another one."
Dana took a long step back. Her mind was at once in turmoil and completely silent as if her heart had flatlined. She pulled away from both of them, marching back towards the villa. The warlords caught up with her easily.
"What's wrong?" Chase asked, a frown on his face. "Where are you going, Dana?"
Dana felt angry, salty tears in the corners of her eyes. She didn't know who she hated more at that moment. The warlords for ruining the single chance she'd been able to give them, or herself for being fooled again.
She turned, furious, practically seething.
"This is over," she said, the words slipping over her lips before she even realized what she was saying.
Then the truth hit and Dana realized it had been there all along. She just hadn't wanted to see it. She had wanted to hope. Isabel had been right. She was a fool and she'd let all the walls she'd built come down for chiseled abs and pretty words, when she'd vowed not to fall for traps like that a long time ago.
"Over," Havoc repeated and the distrust in his voice was plain to hear. "Dana, what happened? We haven't even really gotten back yet. We are not even in the villa. You can't just–"
"I really can," Dana said seriously, holding on to her temper that threatened to run wild once more. "There was only one thing I told you when we first met. Sean is my world. I will not let him be cast aside for the new baby."
"He is not," Chase protested. "We just want you to understand how much the baby will need you."
"I understand!" Dana bellowed at him. "Do you think I don't know what having a baby is like? I love my child with every bit of my very being, but I love both my children! I don't have to choose between them. I don't have to raise one and push them away for the other. How hard is that for you to grasp?"
"Dana..." Havoc tried, but she'd had enough.
"No," Dana said. "I'm going back to the Sanguine. The healers there can look after me. I can't stay here. I have to think and figure out how we can make this work, but the relationship between us is over.
“I can't be with you, not when you think it's okay to hide things from me, make decisions for me. And on top of it all, think my children's lives work on some kind of messed-up schedule that I need to follow to know when I can stop caring for them."
"None of that is true," Havoc said, his voice etched with regret and even a hint of fear. "You can't leave now, Dana. Chase and I know things have not been going well. The war didn't exactly go the way we hoped either. This is now a time to fix all that, to heal. This is the safest place for you. For you and Sean both. None of us has to go anywhere."
"Too little too late," she said quietly. "I can't do this. I just can't. This morning, I woke up with dread, thinking of what it would be like when you got back. I managed to convince myself it would be fine. That I would meet you and we could, as you said, start to heal.
"Then we met and the first thing you told me was that you wanted to send Sean away, to a warrior training school no less. After I explicitly told you how I felt about that. It's too much for me. Too much to heal. I don't even know where to begin.
“You are right about one thing, though. I need to think of the baby and for that, I need to be away from here where everything is so wrong.
"I love this baby," Dana said then decisively. "But I love Sean too and I don't think there's a statute of limitations on that, which is why I'm leaving now. We tried. There just isn't enough to keep us together and I don't think the trust we lost can be made back. You don't even like each other. How could this have a happy ending?"
"The relation between Chase and I isn't important," Havoc said, but there was no conviction in his voice anymore. "What matters is you and when it comes to you, we always agree."
Dana had had enough. The doubt that been eating at her heart was finally taking over and she turned her back to the warlords again, walking back towards the villa before she began regretting her decision.
"Dana!" Chase called after her.
She stopped, not looking at them. Waiting. They came closer, gently turning her around. For a second more, Dana saw the love that could have been there if fate hadn't been so cruel to them.
"If it's about us, we can try and get along for you," Havoc said.
Dana sighed deeply, smiling. She felt free. It was over and her mind was made up. The sense of freedom that came with it was like a breeze of fresh air. She'd spent all those months doubting and she finally had her answer.
"Stop bargaining, please," she said. "I can give you a reason why I'm going and then I really am. We have been here for a long time now and you've tried to reason with me, you've tried telling me I can't leave. You've even tried getting me to stay by playing the safety card.
"Not once have you said don't go."
The silence stretched on for too long. Dana nodded, biting her tongue not to let the tears fall before she was a long way from the villa.
She turned for the third time and walked away from them.
"Dana!" Havoc called after her one last time.
She could hear their footsteps following her. She kept walking, not stopping anymore. The answer was finally clear before her eyes.
"Don't go."
Too little, Dana thought. Much too late.
She walked past Rebecca, barely noticing her. In a daze, they made it into the tiny ship Rebecca had been using to travel between the villa and the Sanguine. Only when the little vessel was on its way back to Dana's real home with Rebecca and Sean by her side, the tears came.
Holding on to Sean, sitting next to her, Dana cried for lost loves and last chances and hope she hadn't been ready to give up.
24
Havoc
His mind was a complete blank. Even that was an overstatement, when in truth it seemed as though the entire world had just ruptured and left him alive in an agonizing coma. Chase didn't look much better for the wear.
Neither one of them found words to express the pain. It wasn't just Dana they'd lost, it was everything since she was their everything and there wasn't anything in the world that didn't tie in to her. Even the victory they'd achieved felt hollow in that light, as though saving the Alliance didn't mean anything when their own lives were suddenly so empty there was no word for it.
The only thing Havoc could remember from that moment was that somehow, he made it into the villa. He recalled seeing Chase out of the corner of his eye, realizing the other warlord wasn't leaving yet.
He wanted to ask Chase why he was staying. He didn't. It seemed even words had run out, having lost meaning now that Dana was gone. There was nothing he and Chase had to say to each other. The pain united them, yet the fact they'd let their fated slip away doomed them to an eternal hatred.
Havoc wasn't going to blame Chase for everything. Judging by Dana's words, they were both as much to blame as the other. It didn't mean he enjoyed seeing his old frenemy around, a bitter re
minder of the happiness they could have returned to.
Yet he didn't mind it either. That would have required some sort of emotions and Havoc simply couldn't muster any.
The villa had been his home since he could remember. It had belonged to his father and Havoc had always kept it well-maintained. There was a spirit in the house, a sense of life that he liked. Now, wandering the halls of the house, Havoc experienced first-hand how empty it was without Dana, how lifeless everything was without her brightness to cheer it up.
It had been a home before. Now it was walls and a roof and endless reconstructions, standing out like they wanted to pour all the blame on him for letting another fated slip through his fingers.
Perhaps fate realized its mistake of trusting me with another fated.
Havoc headed to his armory as he always did. It was the single room where he could concentrate and be the man he was without any distractions.
Only the sound of footsteps told him that Chase was still there.
Once he got there, Havoc removed his armor and slowly, meticulously started to fix it. There was a purpose to the action, something he truly enjoyed. Watching something new being born under his hands was the one thing he'd taken solace in more than anything, even if it was simply remaking something old.
Chase was watching him with those golden blue eyes of his from the moment he stepped in, not saying a word while Havoc worked. Every second brought the rage and despair in him closer to the surface and whipped him into a frenzy. The tools in his hands were no longer fixing up his black armor, rather breaking it into pieces, destroying it utterly just as Havoc wished he could do to the last hour of his life.
He found no solace this time.
The sense of hopelessness washed over him in waves, trying to drown out the anger. It didn't work. Gargons weren't wired to sink into despair, they simply turned to other means of letting their feelings out.
"It's not helping, is it?" Chase asked.
The other warlord's voice was cold and lifeless as he stood, observing his raging.
