Sometimes I try to think about the first few years that Adam and I were together. I try to think about the good times, like when he’d made me and Beth a surprise picnic for Beth’s first birthday. But I can’t. All I can think about is that the last man I loved broke my nose and three ribs.
And I think there must be something really wrong with me.
Twelve
“Get out of my way,” I said and pushed Joy to one side as I headed toward the pub doors.
“What?” Joy stepped in front of me again. “Why? Where are you going?” she asked me, looking surprised. I shook my head as I looked at her. I couldn’t believe that she didn’t know why I was so angry.
“I thought I was going on a date with . . .” I stopped myself saying Brendan’s name. “Luke Goddard!” I shook my head in disbelief. “Joy, you of all people should know what he did to me! He made my life hell. He made me think that someone like Adam was my knight in shining armor!” I pushed past Joy again and got two steps farther before she stopped me.
“Sam, wait!” She held the top of my arm. “Please. Just listen to me for a second.”
I pulled her fingers loose and waited.
“OK,” she said. “We were stupid. We should have told you from the start who you were meeting. But we didn’t think you’d come if you knew!”
“Actually, that part was Joy’s idea,” Marie said.
“Marie!” Joy exclaimed. “You’re not helping.”
Marie shrugged.
“Too bloody right I wouldn’t have come,” I hissed at them both, trying hard not to attract attention. “And now I’m going home. Get out of my way.”
But Joy didn’t move.
“You told me once you still thought about Luke Goddard and how different things might have been.”
I stared at her in disbelief.
“I didn’t!” I said.
“You did,” she said. “That’s why I thought . . .”
“If I said that, I was drunk or brain damaged or something. I don’t even remember saying it.” I shook my head. I couldn’t believe her.
Joy lowered her voice as a few people looked over our way. Even the greatest hits CD that Brendan had turned up to full volume couldn’t disguise the fact that something was going on with us.
“Sam, babe, if you could just talk to him, then . . .”
“I can’t believe you’d think . . .” I began, hearing my voice roll like low thunder.
“Just hear me out” Joy held up the palm of her hand. “You never knew, did you? You never knew if he really liked you, or if he’d meant the whole thing as a sick windup right from the start. Well, now you can ask him.” Joy’s voice softened. “Look, he seemed to me like he really wanted to see you. To set things straight. Don’t you want that too? To finally move on . . .”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to do,” I said. “What I thought I had done until you raked all this up. Luke Goddard? Joy, why? You must be sick!”
“I just thought,” Joy kept talking. “Well, I’ve seen it on the telly. You know, when they get people to confront their painful pasts. It helps them to find a new strength to live their lives with.” Joy put a hand on my shoulder. It felt heavy. I shrugged it off. “If you talk to Luke, you could tell him how he made you feel. You could make him see what he did and how it’s affected you since.”
Joy glanced through the crowd of Friday night drinkers, and I caught a glimpse of Luke fiddling nervously with his mobile. “I think he really regrets it. I think if you talk to him you’ll feel better. You’ll see he’s no better than you.”
“I know that,” I said sharply.
“Do you?” Joy asked me. “Do you really?”
At that moment I hated her but there was some truth in what Joy said. Since that afternoon in the park there had been a lot of times when I’d wondered if all the things I’d felt had been in my imagination alone, if I had really been that stupid. I did want to know.
“I’ll talk to him,” I said to Joy.
“You won’t regret it,” Joy said, smiling with relief.
“No,” I said, shooting her an angry look. “But you will.”
Thirteen
“Luke,” I said. I sat down and made myself look at him. The first thing I noticed about him was that he was losing his hair.
“Sam!” He smiled and looked nervous. “You look exactly the same. You look great, really great. Can I get you anything, a drink or anything?”
I shook my head and watched Luke’s mouth open and close twice before any more words came out.
“I’m so glad you’ve come,” he said.
“Why are we here, Luke?” I asked him. I didn’t want to make small talk.
“I thought Joy told you . . .” he began, looking anxious.
“Joy told me I was going on a date,” I said.
Luke said nothing for a second and then he said, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Sam.” For a second my eyes drifted over his head, and I could see Brendan behind the bar, flirting with a group of girls just a few years older than Beth. I made myself look at Luke again.
“Have you?” I said. Every moment that I was near him I could feel a cold, hard ball of anger growing and tightening in my chest, making it harder to breathe. I wanted to reach for my inhaler but I was worried it would make me look weak.
“The way I treated you after . . . I’m really sorry.”
I bit my lip hard until it hurt.
“One two! One two!” The voice of the DJ setting up the Friday night disco boomed out across the background noise of music and voices.
“You’re sorry?” I asked him. It didn’t sound like I wanted it to. It sounded as if I was surprised that he should be sorry. Almost grateful.
Luke smiled at me, a shadow of his old smile.
“I am,” he said. “I really am. And I want you to know that that afternoon with you—it meant a lot to me. I really did like you. I really did want to go out with you. I had done for ages. All the boys fancied you, but none of them would go near you because . . . well, it wasn’t cool. I didn’t care about that, though. I didn’t care about what the others would say . . .”
I heard myself laugh sharply.
“Funny that,” I said. “Because that’s not exactly how I remember it.” My voice was stronger now. It sounded more like how I felt inside.
Luke bowed his head, and I could see his pink scalp shining through his thinning hair.
“I’m saying that that’s what I wanted to do, but . . . I wasn’t strong enough,” he said, looking up at me at last.
“So you didn’t want to go out with me,” I said. “I expected that. I could have got over it. But why did you have to turn my life into a living hell? Why did you say all that stuff about me, Luke? What did I ever do to you?”
Luke could not look me in the eye.
“Nothing,” he said. “But I had to do it, Sam. If I didn’t they would have laid into me! You know how kids are.”
I said nothing. I couldn’t find a way to respond to that. To Luke Goddard sweeping away the years of pain and hurt he’d put me through as if it was something . . . ordinary. Something to be expected. My silence seemed to encourage him.
“Sam, the thing is,” he said, “I’ve got kids now. Two girls, Katy and Martha. If the same thing happened to them . . .” Luke shook his head. “I don’t know what I’d do. I’ve come here tonight to ask you . . . Will you forgive me, Sam?”
It felt as if time had frozen for a second. All I could hear was the blood pounding in my ears as I thought about what Luke Goddard had just asked me. At that moment all I wanted was for it to be over. For him to be gone and for me to be free to go home and be with my family again. To turn the TV up loud and shut out the world.
“Whatever,” I said flatly, pressing my anger out of my voice, lifting and dropping my shou
lders in a shrug. I’d say anything for this to be over. It wasn’t me moving on. It was just raking up a past I tried every day to forget.
But Luke didn’t seem to understand that—he looked as if he thought I really had forgiven him, breathing out a long sigh of relief.
“Thank you,” he said, reaching out for my hand. “You don’t know how much better that makes me feel. Now I can put all that business behind me and move on.”
I snatched my hand out from underneath his as the noise of the pub flooded back in all around me. I thought I was going to let this go for the sake of a quiet life—but I couldn’t believe what he had just said.
“You can move on, can you?” I shouted at him as I stood up. People stopped talking and stared at me. “What about me, Luke? What about me? When do I get to move on? When do I stop waking up in the middle of the night crying because I’ve been dreaming about what you did to me? When do I stop worrying every second that the same thing is going to happen to my little girl? When do I finally get to put you and all those other sad stupid fucks out of my life for good and move on?” I picked up the pint he’d been drinking. “I don’t forgive you,” I told him coldly. “I hate you.”
I threw Luke Goddard’s pint in his face.
I did that. I couldn’t believe it was me but it was. I even think I heard the locals cheering me on.
Luke was shocked for a split second, and then he lunged at me and tried to grab me.
“You stupid cow,” he shouted at me.
I pushed him hard, harder than I knew I could, and he fell backwards over his chair and onto the floor.
“Don’t you ever touch me,” I told him. “You can never touch me again.”
Suddenly Brendan was there, standing between me and Luke.
“Call the police,” Luke told Brendan. “I want her charged with assault.”
Brendan did not move.
“Get out,” he said. He sounded friendly and calm, but you knew he meant it. “Get out, now.”
“But—” Luke looked at Brendan’s face and got up. He picked up his jacket and his phone and turned to say something else to me. Brendan took a step toward him and Luke thought better of it. He was gone.
“Are you OK?” Brendan asked me as the crowds of drinkers closed around Luke’s retreating back.
“Fine,” I said and ran into the ladies’ loo.
“Well?” Joy rushed in after me as I ran my hands under the cold tap. “How did it go?”
I looked at her.
“Get away from me!” I told her angrily, my voice echoing off the tiles. “I trusted you more than anyone!”
Joy took a step back.
“Sam, please!” she said, holding the palms of her hands up. “I’m sorry. I was stupid making up that date stuff. A total plank. But did I get it all wrong?”
I rubbed the blurred make-up from around my eyes. I was still shaking, still furious, but I also felt an incredible high.
“Did you actually see any of what happened out there?” I asked Joy. “I nearly got into a fight because of you! Jesus, Joy, you just dumped me in a great big pile of shit and thought you were doing me a favor.”
“When you put it like that . . .” Joy said, looking worried. “Look, I fucked up but I did see you. You gave him what for! You were brilliant!”
“Was I?” I said. “Because I didn’t think I was like that. I think what I just did to Luke makes me into a bastard like him.”
Joy said nothing for a moment.
“It doesn’t,” she said, taking a step closer and putting her arm around me. “It makes you a strong woman who is not going to lie down for anyone to walk all over her ever again. Do you understand? You’re worth a million times what Luke, or Adam, or any of those losers that hurt you are. Christ, Sam, I’ve known that for years. You must know it now, don’t you?”
I laid my forehead on Joy’s shoulder for a second before I looked up at her.
“I think I do,” I said. “I really think I do.”
“I should never have built you up with the whole date thing. When I saw Luke and I thought about how he’d hurt you, I thought this was a chance for you to confront him. To have your say and move on. I should have been straight with you from the start, but I got carried away as usual. Do you hate me?” Joy asked.
I shook my head.
“No, I don’t hate you,” I said. “I don’t hate anyone anymore.”
“Next time,” Joy said. “I promise you that I’m going to set you up on a real blind date.”
I thought of Brendan leaning across the bar flirting with those pretty girls.
“No,” I said. “No, I’m not doing any more blind dates.”
“What?” Joy looked disappointed.
“You were right,” I said. “I was only doing it because Beth wanted me to. But I’m happy as I am. I don’t need a man to be happy.”
“Really?” Joy asked.
“Really,” I said more firmly than I felt as I looked in the mirror and put on some lippy. The way I felt about Brendan hadn’t changed, but nobody else needed to know that. I’d just keep it to myself and wait for all of those feelings to fade away.
“I’m giving up men for good.”
The One Who Told Me Something Really Funny
I walked up to the bar and waited to be served.
Joy and Marie were dancing on the makeshift dance floor.
Joy was dancing as close as she could to Sean Jerome, who she had had her eye on for ages. Marie just stood there swaying from side to side, getting to that point in the evening when she got all teary and started missing her husband. I knew that in the next ten minutes she would go to the payphone by the ladies’ and ring and ask him to come and get her. I don’t know why Marie used a payphone because she had a mobile. But she always seemed to forget this when she was drunk.
I watched the bar staff as I waited to be served, too busy to notice me waiting. Even though I really wanted my first drink of the night, I didn’t mind. I was praying that anyone except Brendan would serve me. I thought it would be all right, as he was at the other end of the bar busy with a large round for the pub football team.
“Oi, Brendan mate!” Sean Jerome appeared beside me and shouted down the bar. “We’re dying of thirst down here!”
Brendan looked up and past Sean. He saw me waiting and bent over to whisper something into the ear of one of the barmaids. He smiled at me as he walked toward me.
“I’m on a break,” he told Sean. “Annie will be with you next, OK?”
He leant over the bar toward me.
“Will you have a drink with me, Sam?” he asked me.
I nodded.
He put an open bottle of melon-flavored Bacardi Breezer on the bar.
“You don’t have to buy me . . .” I began.
“I want to,” he said. “You deserve it after all that.” He poured himself a pint and set it on the bar top next to my drink. He came out from behind the bar and stood next to me.
“It’s loud in here,” he said, leaning forward so that his lips were close to my ear. I could feel the breath his words made.
Brendan looked at me for a moment and took a sip of his drink. The flashing colored lights from the disco turned him pink, green, yellow, and blue in turn.
“Are you OK now?” he asked. “Tell me to butt out if you like, but I don’t think that feller was the one for you. I was getting worried about you, but you handled him all right.” He puffed out a breath. “You were really cool, much harder than me!’
I couldn’t help but smile. Knowing that Brendan had managed to notice me while four or five younger girls were throwing themselves at him made me happy.
“Yeah, I am OK,” I said. “You know how when you build something up in your mind and it gets to be so big that you think you’ll never get over it, and then something happens, lik
e a pin bursting a balloon, and the thing that was worrying you has suddenly gone and you don’t know why you let it bother you for so long in the first place?”
Brendan frowned and smiled at the same time.
“No, to be honest,” he said. I laughed and thought for a moment.
“Seeing him made me realize that I’m not the person I thought I was. I’m stronger than I thought and happier than I realized. The past isn’t as important as I thought it was because I had already moved on and grown up—without even realizing it. Funny, really,” I said. I sounded much calmer than I felt, but all I wanted right then was a Bacardi Breezer and to talk to Brendan. The sound of his voice made me feel happy.
“I’m glad for you, Sam,” Brendan said. “You deserve to be happy.”
We watched the dance floor for a second. Joy had wound her arms around Sean’s neck and looked like she was hoping to pin him to the nearest wall with her tongue.
“Do you want to hear something really funny?” he said.
I looked into his green eyes.
“Go on,” I said, smiling.
“You know when you came in the other night to meet John Smith?”
“That’s not funny,” I said, even though it was.
“No.” Brendan took a deep breath. “What’s funny is that I was John Smith.”
I blinked at him. Even with him standing so close, the music was too loud because I thought he’d said . . .
“What?” I asked him.
“I was John Smith,” he said again. He really had said it.
“Joy told me you were using this dating website and I thought . . . Well, I’ve been meaning to ask you out for a while now. I asked Joy if she thought you’d go for it. She said you only went out with fellers off this website. We’ve got a computer out the back so I logged on one day. Saw your photo and details and . . . well, I registered. But then I thought that if you saw my name you’d think I was a real weirdo for not asking you out face-to-face.” Brendan looked at his boots before looking up again at me. “So I named myself after a pint of bitter.
“I’ve got to be honest, Sam. I didn’t think it through. By the time you turned up that night I knew that if I told you John Smith was me I would have blown it for good.”
Woman Walks into a Bar Page 6
