by K. J. Parker
Early the next day, Valens left his tent (for the last time; he’d given orders for it to be jettisoned as surplus weight). He washed quickly in the brown water of the oasis, then sat down under a tree to comb his hair. It was a last flicker of vanity, which had never been a particular fault of his at the best of times — his clothes were torn and caked in sand, all the work that had gone into them wasted, and he’d never cared about how he looked, provided that he looked like a duke; today, however, he took the trouble, because it really didn’t matter anymore. His reflection in the water was thin and indistinct, so he combed more or less by feel. It wasn’t a face he particularly wanted to see, in any case.
But there was another face looking down into the water beside his. He jumped up, slipping in the sandy mud and catching his balance just in time.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I startled you.”
Valens, lost for words. “That’s all right,” he said.
Of course he hadn’t seen her since Orsea died. He hadn’t even asked after her, sent anybody to see how she was. The fact that she was here told him she’d managed to get over the mountains and across the desert. She looked terrible, in fact: her hair tangled, her face red in patches from the sun, the hem of her dress filthy, her shoes (stupid little satin sandals, believe it or not) wrecked like a barn blown down in a storm. She walked slowly over to him — she was limping — and sat down, her heels in the mud like a little girl.
“I wanted to tell you,” she said. “I don’t blame you.”
If there was anything about himself that Valens was proud of, it was his ability to know if someone was lying to him. He tried not to exercise it.
“I’m absolutely furious with Orsea.” She made it sound like he’d come home drunk and been sick in the wardrobe. “It was such a stupid thing to do. And so typical. If only he’d told me, I’d have talked him out of it, I know. It’ll have been his idea of doing the right thing. I imagine they told him I’d be safe if he —”
“That’s right,” Valens heard himself say. “It’s pretty clear from the letter we found that that’s what the deal was.”
“Letters!” She laughed. “Who’d have thought squiggles on a bit of dried sheepskin could cause so much trouble in the world. Letters and good intentions; and the other thing.”
No need to ask what the other thing was.
“I had to do it,” Valens ground on; he felt like he was wading in mud, and each time he dragged his boot out, his other foot sank in even deeper. “I couldn’t have covered it up; if people had found out, I wouldn’t have been able to lead them anymore, and they needed someone to get them —”
He was about to say, get them here. Not, he conceded, the most compelling of arguments.
“Oh, I know.” She shook her head. “I know he’d have done exactly the same thing.” Suddenly she giggled, at the same time as a tear broke out from the corner of her eye. “That doesn’t really make you feel any better, does it?”
“No.”
“He was an idiot.” She smiled. “Always the right thing, no matter how much damage it caused. The tragedy was, it always was the right thing to do; it was just that either he did it the wrong way — oh, he had a wonderful talent for missing by a hair — or else something unexpected would happen that only a clever man — a reasonably clever man — could’ve foreseen. He was a good, decent, ordinary human being, which is what I loved so much about him …”
(And why I could never love you; unspoken.)
“And that’s why he treated me so badly, I guess,” she went on, dabbing at her eye with her filthy sleeve and leaving urchin-like streaks of grime on her cheek. “He felt he didn’t deserve me, and he resented it; somehow it turned into my fault, and it was because he loved me so much. He couldn’t talk to me for months before the end; we just sort of grunted at each other, like an old miserable couple waiting to see who’ll be the first to die.” She looked up at him. “I don’t blame you,” she said. “You’re no more to blame than a tree-branch that falls on someone’s head.”
Again he was reluctant to look at her, because that’d tell him if she meant it. “I don’t know,” he said, looking at the brown water. “You can’t help blaming the weapon, even though it’s stupid and pointless. You know, there are times when I think that’s all I am: a weapon, being used by someone else. At least, I like to think that way. It’d mean none of this was really my fault.” He sighed. “My father used to collect fancy weapons; there was a room full of them, back at the palace. He’d buy them and prance about with them for a few minutes — he was a lousy fencer, I guess that’s why he made me learn — and then they’d be put away and never looked at again. I did the same thing, I have no idea why. The difference is, he liked the things because they were pretty and he reckoned they were the sort of thing a duke ought to have. I bought them because I hate fighting, and I’ve had to do rather a lot of it.” He frowned. “There’s my tragedy, if you like. I’ve always been so very good at the things I don’t like doing, and being good at them makes me do them, until I forget I hate them. The things I wanted to do, or wanted to be, for that matter — well; if you love drawing but can’t draw, you don’t bother with it. No point being reminded of your shortcomings. Always play to your strengths, my father told me.”
“I remember him,” she said quietly. “I didn’t like him very much.”
“Neither did I. It’s a shame I’ve turned into him over the years. But you don’t need to like someone in order to love them.”
She laughed. “I always liked Orsea,” she said. “I suppose I’ve got a soft spot for weak people.”
(Which is why you and I were friends, once; he could have written that in a letter, but he couldn’t say it out loud.)
“Can’t say I ever did,” Valens replied stiffly. “I couldn’t get past the ineptitude. I don’t like people who can’t do things well.”
“He liked you.” She was looking away now. “He thought you were everything he ought to be; admired you and liked you as well, which I think is probably a rare combination. But he knew he bothered you, so he tried to keep his distance. He didn’t want to be a nuisance.”
Valens smiled. “He was just like me, then,” he said. “We’ve both got the knack of being the opposite of what we want to be. I feel so sorry for him now …” He waved his arm in a vague encircling gesture. “Now that I’ve brought us here, I mean. Now that I know what it feels like. You know what? If I’d been him, in this situation, I’d have done what he did. The only difference is, I wouldn’t have been found out.”
She stood up. “I’d better let you get on,” she said. “I expect you’re very busy.”
“Me?” He shrugged. “I ought to be, but I’m not. They keep trying to make me take an interest, but the truth is, I’ve more or less given up. Which disappoints me; I’d always assumed I’d keep going to the bitter end, just in case there was a way out I hadn’t noticed yet. But this is the first time I’ve really screwed up, and it’s shown me just how feeble I really am. You know what? In the battle, when the Mezentine cavalry were cutting up the column, I very nearly ran away — I was halfway up the hill, and I only stopped because I was worn out; and then it turned out we’d won after all, so there wasn’t anything to run away from. I haven’t been able to get over that. I just couldn’t see why I should hang around and get killed when it wouldn’t do anybody any good.”
“Well,” she said. “It wouldn’t have.”
He shook his head. “I’d have lasted about half an hour,” he replied. “About as long as it took me to find a tree and a bit of rope. I think the Mezentines killed me that day, and ever since I’ve just been wandering about wondering how come I can still breathe.”
She looked at him. “Orsea would never have done that,” she said. “When the city fell, he went rushing out trying to get himself killed. He made a mess of it, of course.”
Valens nodded. “Would you have wanted him to have succeeded?”
“No. There’s never any excuse
for dying. It’s such a selfish thing to do, if there are people who love you.”
(Which was the difference, she didn’t say; the condition that didn’t apply in Valens’ case. So he didn’t ask: what about me; if I’d been in Orsea’s place that day, should I have stood my ground and fallen nobly? He didn’t want to make her tell a deliberate lie.)
“You’re right.” He vaulted to his feet — showing off, like a teenager — and straightened his back. “I really should be attending to business, rather than lounging around like a gentleman of leisure. How are your feet, by the way?”
“My feet?”
“Blisters. You were limping earlier.”
She shrugged. “I turned my ankle over in the sand. I expect it’ll wear off.”
Valens smiled. “I’d better find you a horse to ride.”
“No thanks. It’d look bad, and I’m unpopular enough as it is. Being the widow of a condemned traitor … It’s all right,” she added, “I’ll manage. I’ll admit that walking isn’t my idea of fun, but I’m getting the hang of it.”
“You’re being brave.”
“If you like. Really, it’s a matter of having other things to think about.”
“If you change your mind …” He clicked his tongue. “I’ve got no idea how all this is going to end,” he said. “Badly, I imagine.”
“As far as I’m concerned, it already has. Go on, I’m holding you up.”
He turned and walked away, not looking round.
The morning of the seventh day in the desert, and he was suffering from nerves.
The way he felt reminded him of the first time he’d seen her. All he knew about her was that she was the foreman’s daughter; as such, she represented advancement, promotion, a means of rising in his trade without needing to rely on other people being able to recognize his true merits. In his mind’s eye, therefore, he’d seen her as a vital component in a mechanism, beautiful in the simplicity and economy of its design. He’d been kept waiting in the porch of her father’s house. She won’t be out till she’s good and ready, her father had said with a wry grin; she’ll be doing her face, puts more effort into it than any of you buggers making bits for scorpions. That remark had caught his imagination as he stood, half in and half out of the street, watching his breath cloud in the cold air. He’d perceived her then as an artifact, something manufactured, her face engineered with skill and dedication; and he was delighted to think that his prized component was being engineered to exacting tolerances and the tightest possible specification. Of course, the old man went on, I don’t suppose any son-in-law of mine’s going to stay on the fitting bench very long, and old Phylactus’ll be retiring before the year’s out. He remembered how he’d fixed his eyes on the door, not looking at the old man, ready to catch his first glimpse of her as soon as the latch lifted and she came out. The excitement; the nerves.
(Of course, he’d spoiled it all by falling in love with her.)
That same excitement, as he watched the glowing, indistinct line that separated the sand from the sky. They were coming; when they came, that was where he’d see them first, and know that everything he’d built was finally fitting together; the active and passive assemblies engaging, the male and female components matching up, every gear-tooth meshing, every key moving in its keyway.
(It was a pity there had to be a battle and so many people killed, but you can’t have everything.)
To occupy his mind, he ran calculations. Assuming a constant for the speed of a horseman in the desert, assuming that everybody was in the right place, making allowances for human inefficiencies; he glanced up at the sun, that imperfectly calibrated timepiece. There was still time. Besides, if he’d been right in his assessment of the properties of his materials, they wouldn’t show up till they were good and ready. Doing their faces, as it were. All allowed for in his tolerances.
The nerves annoyed him, but there wasn’t anything he could do about them. He made himself relax; leaned back against the thin tree trunk, spread his arms wide, exaggerated a yawn. At least the nervousness kept his mind off how hungry he was (and if his calculations were out, of course, he’d starve to death, along with everybody else; his life depended on the precision of the mechanism, but he couldn’t bring himself to be afraid of death, only of failure).
Could horses gallop in the sand? Come to that, how long could a horse gallop for, even under ideal conditions, without having to stop for a rest? He’d used some figure he’d heard somewhere for the maximum sustainable speed of heavy cavalry, added fifteen percent tolerance, and based his workings on that. Was fifteen percent enough to allow for sand? Filthy stuff, he hated it. They didn’t have it in Mezentia, except as a packaged material for making foundry molds; they didn’t have it lying about all over the floor, making it well-nigh impossible for people to move and go about their business. The untidiness of these miserable places revolted him. Why couldn’t the rest of the world be decently paved and cobbled, like it was back home?
A thought occurred to him and he hurriedly looked round. Daurenja had been trailing round after him for days now, like a dog sniffing round the fuller’s cart, and he really didn’t want to talk to him; now or ever. It would be so sweetly convenient if he got himself killed in the battle … But that’d be too much like good luck. There’d be time and scope to get rid of him later.
Falling in love with her had been a mistake; but it had also been the beginning of his life, the moment when things began to matter. That moment, when the door opened and she’d come nervously out into the porch, had given birth to this one, and all the moments in between; this had all started then, because without her, none of this would have been necessary. Suppose he hadn’t fallen in love with her; he’d be foreman of the ordnance factory, presumably married to someone or other — happy enough, in all probability, but he wouldn’t have been Ziani Vaatzes. That complex, unsatisfactory component only existed in relation to her. Remove her, and there was nothing, no point. It’d be like eating an orange simply to produce orange peel. The machine exists for a purpose, and every part, every assembly follows on from that purpose; without it, you’re left with nothing but scrap metal, no matter how marvelously engineered.
He couldn’t help smiling. Love had been his downfall, sure enough, but without it, he’d never have existed in the first place. There’d be a man doing his job, wearing his clothes and answering to his name, but he’d be a complete and irrelevant stranger.
“Vaatzes.” Someone calling for him. He pressed his back to the tree trunk and slid up it to his feet. “Over here,” he called out.
He recognized the face, but couldn’t put a name to it. “You’re wanted,” the face said. “Staff meeting.”
“What, another one?” Ziani scowled. “What’s the point? There’s nothing to talk about.”
Whoever-it-was shrugged. “He wants to see you. Over there, by that big rock at the edge of the water.”
Ziani nodded, and started to walk. Valens probably just wanted someone to bully (are you sure the map’s accurate? Can you becertain that’s what the journal said, and was the merchant telling the truth? To which he’d reply, no, of course not; and the Duke would scowl horribly at him. Presumably it had some therapeutic value; in which case, he was happy to oblige. Like Miel Ducas, he lived only to serve).
“I know you can’t vouch for the accuracy of the map” (well; nearly right), “but maybe you can cast your mind back and remember if there was anything in the journals …” Ziani nodded, allowing his mind to disengage, while saying the right things to keep Valens reasonably happy. Would it matter terribly much if he made up a few spurious diary entries? On balance, better not to.
“The food position’s fairly straightforward,” Valens was saying to somebody else. “Tomorrow we start eating the horses. Ever since I realized how much time we’d lost getting over that fucking mountain, I’ve been banking on the horses to get us across this desert. In which capacity they do it, as transport or as provisions, doesn’t really mat
ter at this stage. We’ve got nothing left for them to pull or carry, and if we do get to the other side, we won’t need them desperately. Either the Cure Hardy’ll take us in and look after us, or they’ll slaughter us. Besides, if we don’t kill the horses, they’ll starve anyway. The fodder’s completely gone, and they won’t get far on a bellyful of oasis grass. It’s that coarse, wiry stuff mostly, they won’t eat it even when they’re famished. It’d be good if we could keep a few of the thoroughbreds as presents for our hosts. They were quite keen on a few to improve their bloodlines. We’ll start with the scraggiest specimens and leave the best till last. Common sense. Next on the agenda, casualties. Anybody interested in the figures, or shall we skip and go on?”
They skipped. Someone started talking earnestly about watch rotations. Ziani tried to concentrate on what he was saying, to keep his mind from dwelling on what ought to be about to happen. Apparently, they were presently working to a six-shift rotation, but wouldn’t it be much better to go to seven shifts, thereby allowing each duty officer an extra half-hour’s sleep, even though it would mean using more officers? The benefit of this approach …
Ziani never got to find out what the benefit was likely to be. The first thing he noticed was a head turning; then another, then four or five more, and the watch rotation enthusiast shut up in the middle of a sentence and tried to peer over Valens’ shoulder to see what everybody was looking at.
What’s the matter? Ziani thought. Never seen a running man before? Whoever he was, he was going flat out, veering precariously to avoid people in his way, or jumping over their legs if they didn’t shift quickly enough. When he reached the rock and the general staff, he only just managed to keep from toppling over into the water. He looked round for Valens, and gasped, “Dust-cloud.”
