She gasped and could only take small quick breaths. Her lungs expanded as she tried to breathe out. Her heart raced and her hand gripped her chest in desperation.
Robert raced out of the room into the kitchen. Pulling open a drawer he grabbed a small paper bag, and returned to Mia.
“Mia, listen to me. I want you to breathe into this bag slowly. Do you hear me? It’s okay, try and relax. I want you to count in your head to five as you breathe in slowly and then the same breathing out. Come on I’ll count with you.”
Mia felt paralyzed with fear and allowed Robert to place the bag over her face.
“One—two—three—four—five. That’s it, good. Now out slowly. Good and again.”
Her breathing became less labored and she moved the bag away from her face.
“Thanks. I don’t know what came over me,” Her fingers spread out on her chest where the pain had been.
“Just take it easy.” His hand rubbed her back, his eyes steadily searched her face.
“I want to try again. Can you listen and not say anything until I’ve finished?” Her voice was barely a whisper as she started to talk.
“My earliest memory of being scared of my father was when I was about four years old. Up until that point I think things were okay. Sometimes when he tucked me in at night he’d tell me he needed to check that my panties were clean and he would place his hand between my legs—”
“Honey, no. Oh no, Mia.” Robert’s eyes widened in shock and his hand reached out to her. Sadness cloaked his face. “I’m sorry, go on, sweetheart. You were saying you remember your father—”
“He used to do things to me, touch me where he shouldn’t have. I remember it all. He used me as a father shouldn’t use his daughter and I let him.”
“No, Mia, it wasn’t your fault. He’s an adult and you were just a little girl. Honey, please believe me. It wasn’t your fault.”
“How could he do that? I’m his daughter.” Darkness filled her mind and she fought the urge to succumb to the blackness that terrorized her.
Robert said nothing, allowing her the freedom to keep talking.
Something snapped in Mia, and a dark, dirty stain, which had lain hidden from her mind was now fully exposed.
~~~
Robert felt the anger rise in his chest, and his hands gripped the side of his chair. He wanted to get Jonathan and beat the life out of him. The thoughts that raced through his mind became condemning and murderous. His precious niece had been violated by her own father.
Mia whispered his name and his gaze swung to her. “Are you okay, Uncle Robert?”
His eyes welled up as he saw her concern and shame heated his face. “I’m sorry,” he stuttered. He didn’t want to ask the question, but part of him had to know. “Did Maggie know?” he asked through gritted teeth. He wished with everything in him that the answer was no.
“I don’t know. I think she might have, I remember her coming into my bedroom once when he was lying on the bed with me. She just stopped and looked at us and then called out good night to me and walked out. I think I tried to tell her once but—I don’t know.”
Mia rested her head on the back of the chair and closed her eyes. He’d never seen her look so fragile, pale and lifeless.
Her head snapped up and she looked at him.
“When Mum came out of the coma, just before she died, she said she hoped I would learn to forgive her and to forgive my father. She said she wished she’d protected me. I thought she was talking about his anger.”
“Mia, I hate to say it, but even if she was only talking about Jonathan’s anger then she did need to protect you from it.”
The silence weighed heavily on Robert. She looked exhausted. He needed to take control. Standing to his feet, he reached for her hand and pulled her into his arms. “Can you stay here tonight? I don’t want you driving home.”
Nodding, Mia stood. “I don’t think I have the energy to drive.”
“Why don’t you go and have a shower while I put together an omelet for dinner,” he suggested. “You’ve still got some clothes upstairs. Take your time in the shower. It will only take me a minute to whip up the omelets once you’re ready.”
Mia moved across the room, and he called her name.
She stopped, turned and lifted watery eyes to him.
“I can’t say I understand any of this, sweetheart, but I believe you will find you have what you need to take one more step, one more breath. Honey, Jesus loves you and He will help you if you let Him.”
Mia dropped her eyes and left the room.
~~~
She felt like she was drowning and to take another breath would prolong the pain. In the bathroom Mia began to take off her clothes, and absently turned on the shower while her mind rotated around all the thoughts that had been steadily bombarding her all evening.
Stepping into the flow of water, she let it cascade down her back. She envisaged her father’s hands on her body and shuddered. The pain was insufferable.
Had her mother known? Did they ever love her?
Picking up the soap she began to wash, moving her hands across her chest. “I’m disgusting, I feel so dirty—I have to be clean.”
Mia scrubbed and scrubbed, her arms and hands becoming more frantic with each movement. Her skin screamed out for her to stop but she didn’t listen. All she could hear where his words, the filth of them, and she thought if she could just clean herself enough she would be able to purge them from her body, from her mind.
“It’s not working, it’s not working.” Mia slid to the shower floor and circled her knees with her arms and her head sank in despair.
Water hammered her as if reinforcing her hopelessness. Sobs raked through her, shaking her shoulders and tearing at her soul.
Mia.
Mia’s head snapped up and she scrambled to her feet. Had she heard that? She froze, as her heart hammered in her chest and the noise exploded in her ears.
Trembling, she reached for the tap and turned off the water. Tentatively, she stepped out of the shower, her eyes scanning the room as she reached for a towel.
Come to me and I will give you rest.
Mia pulled the towel closer to her and closed her eyes. Was God talking to her?
“Rest? How will you give me rest, can you take away what happened? Can you make me clean?” Mia screamed accusing God. “Where were you?”
She looked around the room, furiously waiting for an answer.
“Why didn’t you stop him? I asked you to stop him. I am nothing to you. If I was you would have protected me!”
She wrung the towel and flung it across the room, screaming, “I hate you! I hate you!”
Exhausted, she dressed and called down to her uncle that she was going straight to bed.
Chapter 15
Turning on her side Mia tensed as the sheets rubbed against her skin, reminding her of the futile scrubbing she’d done the night before.
Maybe she could pretend she hadn’t remembered, just carry on as if yesterday hadn’t happened.
Her head ached and she rubbed her temples, trying to recapture sleep. She wanted to slip back into oblivion.
The kookaburras were making a racket. As the kooaaa, kooaaa echoed through her mind, it sounded like there were thousands of them, all-laughing at her.
Cupping the pillow around her head she burrowed into her doona. Coming out for air Mia lay on her back and flung the doona away in disgust.
Standing, Mia dressed slowly and wandered out to find her uncle.
She found him in the kitchen stacking dishes. Walking over to him, she reached up and kissed his cheek, “Good morning.”
Robert turned and looked at her.
She saw his eyes rest on the fiery red marks on her neck and her hand lifted in embarrassment.
Smiling, he beckoned her over. “I decided I needed something to do this morning that would help take my mind off everything—so I’ve made us an orange poppy seed cake. It’s cooking as I speak,
and should be ready to eat straight out of the oven in about 15 minutes.”
“Yum, it smells delicious.” Mia recognized that he was giving her permission not to talk about last night. But she needed to say something. She needed to hear herself say that last night had actually happened.
“Uncle Robert, I think I heard God talk to me.” She waited for his reaction and wasn’t surprised by the sharpness in his eyes and how he leaned forward to listen to her.
“What did he say?” he asked quietly.
“So you believe you can actually hear God talk to you?” Her eyes widened in torment.
“If you say you heard him talk to you, then I believe you. What did He say?”
Mia sat down at the table and wished she hadn’t said anything. It was too late now; her uncle would hound her until she told him. “He said—come to me.”
Robert nodded, his eyes sparkling.
She twisted her hands together and wanted to throw something. “I got angry. How can he say that to me now? Why didn’t he stop it all from happening?”
“I don’t know. What I do know is that you’re precious to God and that God didn’t want it to happen.”
“How can you say that? If he is God and didn’t want it to happen, then why did it?” Mia wanted to lash out and her uncle felt the sting of her words.
“I don’t know, Mia, I struggle with this sometimes. God gives us free will and one person’s free will can cause pain to another person. Like your father abusing you.”
Mia struggled to hold back the tears. Standing, she moved away from the table. “I’m tired. I think I’ll go back to bed for a while.” She looked at the oven and then back at her uncle, guilt walking with her as she left the room.
Once Mia closed the bedroom door she sank to her knees and wept. She couldn’t escape the truth any longer. What her uncle said made sense.
In desperation she cried out to God, How can I come to you? I’ve rejected and blamed you all my life.
She’d used her anger against God as a way of coping with her helplessness, her inability to change what had happened. It seemed alien to believe God cared.
Crying softly, Mia allowed hope to fill her heart. Her father had hurt her and her mother had done nothing to stop him.
Mia felt suffocated by the thought of betraying her mother’s memory. A lump rose in her throat. “Mum, I’m sorry, but I need to work this out.”
Tears steadily marked a course down her cheeks, unnoticed.
Was it possible that Jesus Christ loved her? Was her pain his pain? Had she really heard Him call her name?
“God, I don’t understand any of this. I can’t comprehend how my father could do such things to me. I’m sorry I wanted to hate you when you didn’t stop it—it was him, not you. Please don’t leave me. God are you there?”
Daughter, I’m here, I’ve always been here.
~~~
Curled up on the sofa, Mia tried to explain what had happened. As Robert listened the smile on his face grew bigger and bigger.
Mia smiled back. “I feel different. It’s hard to explain because I still feel confused and bewildered, but I’m not so afraid. I feel weightless, like I could fly.”
“Mmm. This is something I’ve prayed for and longed for all your life. I need to tell you that yesterday I was close to doing something that in the light of day I know I would have lived to regret. While God was answering my prayer for you I was so angry with Jonathan I could have killed him. I wanted to kill him, that’s for sure.”
“Oh, Uncle Robert, I’m sorry.” Mia hadn’t considered how everything was affecting him.
“It’s not your fault. I spent a good part of the morning talking to the Lord about justice and how I wanted to take it into my own hands.”
Mia nodded. “There’s so much I don’t understand. Why do you think I couldn’t remember what happened until now?”
“I don’t know, honey. The mind has a funny way of protecting us, but truly I have no idea. You could talk to someone about all this, maybe a counselor.”
“Maybe.” Mia’s stretched her fingers and then pulled them into fists.
“They’d also know more about advising you on pressing charges against your father, if that’s what you decide to do.”
Mia gasped and shook her head. How could she expose herself like that? It was so long ago. It would be her word against his. Would anyone believe her?
“You don’t have to decide right away, but I think it would be a good idea for you to see the counselor at church.”
“I didn’t know they had a counselor at church. I suppose there’s a lot I don’t know about the church.”
Robert moved over to the cupboard and lifted down the poppy seed cake.
“David called this morning and asked if you could give him a call.”
“He’ll be wanting Bruno back.” Mia’s eyes stayed on the cake and she wondered how she’d be able to eat it. “Did he ask you why I wasn’t at work?”
“Yes, and I told him you’d call him.”
“Thanks. I don’t know what to say to him. Can you drop Bruno off for me?” Her eyes beseeched him.
Robert shook his head and spoke softy. “No.”
“Please do this one thing for me. I can’t see him.” She hated the manipulation she heard in her voice and averted her gaze.
“I’m sorry, but you can’t start avoiding people. He’s your friend, and he’ll understand.”
“He hardly knows me and I told him I didn’t want him as a friend,” Mia snapped.
“Did you now? Sometimes we can’t help who we like, honey. He’s a good man and would make a good friend.” Robert smiled. “You could do with a good friend right now. Think about it.”
“I’d do it for you. It’s not a big thing to ask, please?” Mia tried again to sway his decision.
Robert stood and picked up the cake. “I think I’ll move this before it ends up in my face. How about we have it later? I’ve got a few things to do, so I’ll leave you to phone David.”
Mia watched him walk away and sighed. He knew her so well. What was she afraid of? It was just a phone conversation. David couldn’t see her. She couldn’t let—let what? Fear? Shame? She couldn’t let what happened take over.
Moving to the phone she dialed his number.
“Hi, David, it’s Mia.”
“How’s my dog sitter doing? Has he behaved himself?”
Mia felt her breath release, and relaxed at his question. “He’s been fine. I’ve enjoyed having him. He’s good company.”
“You’re welcome to borrow him from time to time. This could work for me. Yep, a free dog sitter could come in handy.”
Laughing, Mia realized she was enjoying talking to him and yes; she had missed him a little bit.
“You didn’t go to work today. Are you okay?”
“I wasn’t feeling too good last night so I stayed at Uncle Robert’s. I plan to take a few days off work.”
“If you’re not working tomorrow, how about a walk with Bruno? I could pick you both up. We could go for a walk and when I drop you off I can pick up Bruno’s things.”
Part of Mia wanted to avoid David but for some reason she wanted to tell him about trusting Jesus. “Okay, pick me up from home.”
Chapter 16
The time with Bruno had been special to Mia. He lay at her feet and she reached down to rub her hands over his back.
Bruno sat up and rested his large frame against her legs. His warm brown eyes looked at her and there was no barrier between them.
“Bruno, I’ve loved having you here. I’m going to miss you, boy.”
Bruno’s head leaned further into her knee.
Mia laughed and hugged him. It was easy to love him. He expected nothing from her and gave back freely.
Her eyes misted and she sighed. Would she ever get to the place where she could expose her heart to a man? What about David, did she trust him? She felt okay being alone with him, but did she trust him?
David
had never done anything to threaten her, but if he was interested in her as a woman rather than just a friend, what then?
Bruno lunged to his feet and sped to the door before the buzzer went off.
As Mia followed him she could see his excitement as he barked and spun around in circles. He knew David was on the other side of the door, so obviously Bruno trusted David.
She flicked the catch open and stood back as David was swamped by the big dog.
He grinned at her and dropped to the floor where he wrestled with Bruno, putting both arms around his neck and shaking him. The dog loved it and Mia enjoyed watching the reunion.
David laughed as he stood up. “Oh to be so loved! Mia, it’s good to see you, obviously Bruno isn’t any the worse for wear.”
Mia smiled and looked at her feet, shyness overcoming her.
“If you’re ready, we’ll go. I thought we could drive to North Entrance and walk that stretch of beach for a change. How does that sound? You’re allowed to let dogs run free there.”
“I’ll grab my hat. Bruno’s lead is hanging on the hook by the door.” Mia moved over to the table where she’d put her sun hat earlier. Picking it up, she turned and saw David standing in the same spot studying her.
Their eyes met and he didn’t look away. Mia felt breathless and nervous.
“Are you ready, Mia?”
“I’m not really sure.” Mia puzzled over her answer and shook her head as if to clear her mind.
Moving towards him, she smiled slightly and opened the door to indicate that yes she was ready for their walk, but about what else might occur between them, she wasn’t so sure.
~~~
David released Bruno from his lead and wanted to pick up Mia’s hand as they strolled towards the water. He flexed his fingers and pushed them into his pockets to stop acting on the impulse.
Tilting his head he glanced at her, and marveled how he felt. She was a picture he wanted to paint on his mind forever.
Shaking his head he turned and scanned the beach for a place to sit. A large wooden log had drifted into the perfect position to create a great seat for anyone who wanted to sit and look out at the ocean.
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