“Sorry about that, we’re a little bit stretched tonight. There seems to have been a lot of accidents.” She took me for the X-ray with Hunter walking close beside me and then led us back to the room and said she’d go and get the doctor.
Once I was settled, I started to feel the pain medication that I’d been given kick in and settled back on the bed.
“You must hate me,” he whispered from beside me, sounding tortured.
“I want to.” And I did, but I’d already known what Sasha had pointed out to me tonight and I was angry at the world because I didn’t hate him. “I want to hate you so badly, but I can’t.”
There was a tense silence, and then I felt his rough hand take mine and lift it up to his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
Looking over at him dopily, I gave him a tired smile. “Me too.”
The doctor had finally come back in and taken the glass out of her hand and was just stitching it up. I’d come to her house tonight to talk to her about something my therapist had said and to give her the ring back. It was hers, it always would be and I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t going to have her back by my side wearing the ring again.
Now that I’d been where my son was born and had also been able to look after Piper while she went through this, I was glad that I’d given in and taken the turning to hers on my way home.
I was still unable to discuss missions and objectives in detail, but my therapist had suggested that I try and explain what I could to Piper. Perhaps giving her a general idea of why I’d chosen to stay away and what I was suffering from right now would help?
The other night when I’d been lying in bed, thinking about my dream where Siglo had been replaced by Sam, it had dawned on me that the anxiety and panic that I felt now was most likely down to the fact that I’d been part of a unit, a regime of sorts. We’d had each other’s backs so there was a form of security that prevented the level of anxiety that I was feeling now without it. I knew how to explain it to myself, but when I’d sat down with the guys and explained it, they’d looked at me like I was nuts. Basically, now we were the same guys inside, but we no longer had the Military as a purpose, as security. Sure, Military personnel across all the different branches suffered from PTSD whilst still on active duty, but statistically speaking, it got worse or actually presented itself more once they retired or were given their formal discharge.
I’d had some battle fatigue and residual effects of combat whilst I’d been in active duty, I hadn’t been blind to that fact, but it was nowhere near what I’d been suffering from recently. Explaining this and a general idea of what I’d been through, might help Piper understand and hopefully start to forgive me.
Part of my epiphany the other night had been that I wanted to be a family with Piper and Sam badly. I’d never stopped loving her and hadn’t even looked at another female in that way since I last saw her.
Being around her and Sam - it felt like I could finally breathe again. The nightmares, the blood and dirt that I could never get clean from…it all felt easier when we were together and I wanted to give them both the world.
This was now my mission, and I’ll be damned if I was going to fail.
Hunter hadn’t left my side at the hospital. He’d reminded me of the Hunter that I remembered - protective and attentive.
I’d gotten a text from Sasha roughly two hours ago saying that my parents had turned up to collect Sam shortly after I’d called them to let them know what had happened. Now, we were on our way back home with my arm in a sling with all the glass removed from my hand and the wounds stitched closed.
They’d given me more pain relief before we left and some to take over the next couple of days, so the landscape whizzing past was blurry. The prospect of being alone with Hunter when we got back to my house was daunting though, and kept me from closing my eyes for a five-minute nap like I so desperately wanted to.
“How you feeling?”
Turning my head slowly to look at Hunter, I took in how relaxed he looked behind the wheel of my vehicle. “Not so bad.”
Nodding his head slowly, he tightened his grip on the wheel slightly. “I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you what I originally came around to tell you.”
I tensed at the tone he was using. “Can we wait until we get home and I can get changed out of these,” I tugged at the bottom of my t-shirt which had blood on it. I knew I was delaying the inevitable, but I needed just a little bit more time.
Humming in acceptance, Hunter reached over and gently lifted my left hand from my lap and rested it on his thigh as he drove. I could feel the strong muscles tensing and relaxing and thought back to how Hunter had been when I had first met him and how he was now. He’d always been big, but now he was more so and it was the way he carried himself and the experience that you could see in his eyes that made him almost imposing. It was hard to believe that anyone would have seen him in combat and not run a mile, but I knew that that hadn’t been the case.
“I hate seeing blood on your hands,” he said quietly, his thumb rubbing the palm of my hand.
“It’s only my right hand that should have any on it now,” I looked over at the hand he held to double check it. It had been my right hand that I’d injured, but my left hand had ended up bloody trying to protect my carpet and I hadn’t had a chance to wash it before Hunter had put me in the car. We’d cleaned it at the hospital, though, so it wasn’t an issue for me anymore; for Hunter, it obviously was.
Shaking his head, he mumbled something under his breath as we pulled into my drive. Turning the car off, he got out and walked around to my side and helped me out. I was just about to walk toward the front door when he pulled me in for a hug, resting his head-on top of mine and just breathing deeply.
Giving me one last squeeze, he stepped back and we walked into the house together. “Let me just call my parents and check on Sam, and then we’ll talk okay?”
His sad smile and nod broke what little resistance and hardness I had left inside me. Stepping into him, I burst into tears and held on with my arms around his waist.
After rocking me from side to side for a couple of minutes, he kissed the top of my head and leaned over to whisper in my ear. “Go call and find out about our boy, baby.”
Taking a shuddering breath in, I went to get my cell phone off the table, where I’d put it when we first walked in, and called my parents. After reassuring them that I was okay and that I didn’t need any help, I hung up and went to find Hunter. No time like the present.
I’d been waiting for Piper to finish talking to her parents and check on Sam. The house seemed so empty without him, even though he’d be asleep if he was here, and that just pointed how vital he was to my life regardless of how long he’d been in it.
Looking up as Piper walked into the room, I watched her as she walked toward me and sat down on the couch. A huge part of me wanted to run rather than have this conversation, another part didn’t want her sitting so close to me getting tainted by what she was about to find out.
“Are you ready?” her voice was a slight whisper.
It would be easier to tell her everything if I looked down at the floor. If I made eye contact with her it would be harder to get it all out, especially if I saw disgust.
“My first mission wasn’t what it was meant to be. We were told that it would be standard protocol and operations, but three days in we were out on patrol and it all went to shit,” I could still hear and see it all vividly. “We were on a path with this tall grass either side. Normally, it would have been cut back so that we knew what was around us, but they were still in the process of clearing it for explosives. We were two klicks outside of the village that was our meeting point and I’d just turned to speak to a guy that had just arrived the day before. We heard a shot and then there were five hostiles shooting at us. We returned fire, but Lamar the Captain, signaled for me and the new kid Barton to go around and come in behind them. Long story short, we came up behind them just as the guy pick
ed up an RPG launcher and aimed it toward where we were taking cover. I had no choice but to shoot him.” Closing my eyes, I knew I had to go into a bit more detail so that she understood the nightmares attached to this one instance and the blood on my hands that stopped me being able to look her in the eyes.
I looked at Piper when she squeezed my hand and gave me an encouraging smile, her eyes glassy. “If I shot him in the arm he might have had a trigger reaction still and pressed launch. If I shot him in the back it would stun him, but more than likely he’d still be able to pull that trigger. In the end, I shot him at close range in the back of the head.” Holding up my hands I could still see the blood that was on them. On that occasion, there hadn’t been any literally, but watching him slump over and it coming out of the wound on his head…the blood was there. “I knew that after that, I couldn’t bring that into your life. The nightmares, the guilt and the filth – it might seem stupid, but I wasn’t the only one who felt like that. One of the guys couldn’t pick up his little boy because of it.” I shrugged and looked over at the wall in front of us. In for a penny in for a pound right? “Over the years, I’ve had to do that many times over; some of them in hand-to-hand combat. There were a couple of times when we couldn’t use our guns because it would give our positions away…those are the ones that actually stained my hands.” I held them up so that she could see for herself. There were some scars which were a constant reminder. “We’re put in a position where it’s kill or be killed. Be the one to take the life of someone who’s out for yours, or lose members of your team who have your back. It might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s hard.”
“I hope that I’m never in that position, Hunter, but you did what you had to do,” Piper whispered, resting her forehead on my shoulder.
“Everyone is brought into the world in the same way, being the one to decide to end that life, regardless of what’s going on, takes part of you with it. Losing members of your unit and being the one to walk away, while their families are devastated and won’t recover from that loss, knowing someone like family and losing them, the guilt cuts you to pieces. You become so sick of death and being the judge, jury and executioner. The faces of the people you’ve lost or killed come into your dreams at night and it’s so real, like they’re there to make sure that you go with them. I have nightmares where there are bullets, explosions, people hidden around me and I’m about to be killed. I can smell the burning, hear the screams, see and smell the blood…” Looking back down at my hands, I didn’t realize that I was crying until Piper’s hand gently wiped across my cheek. “One time, we played soccer with four boys. Just an innocent kick about and it was such a laugh,” my voice cracked as I tried to get this part out. “The next morning, we heard that a Taliban soldier had gone in and shot the kids in their sleep for daring to interact with us. One had woken up and run to protect his baby sister – they killed her too.” Piper was sobbing and I really wanted to join her, but the part of me that wanted to protect her took over and I picked her up and held her on my lap. I hated making her cry for any reason, but especially this one. I was almost at the end of the story though and it would be easier to have her close to me as I outlined the ending of my career in the Marines.
“Jesus, Hunter,” she said through the sobbing. “I’m so sorry. I never even knew…”
“It’s war. You never know exactly what’s going to happen.” I needed to finish, so I carried on. “My final mission was in a more hostile area. We had so many duties that could have ended in tragedy for us, but the irony was – it was the easiest task that did it.” I cleared my throat to get rid of the croak. “We were part of a team called CAAT which is basically a Combined Anti-Armor Team; our job was to scout so we were out on an easy patrol in an area that had already been cleared for IED’s. Six of the unit were walking, the other five of us were in the Humvee. One of the guys that I joined with, Siglo, was on the M240 and it just seemed like any other day that we’d done it.” The lowest point of my life was about to come out and fuck me I hated it. “We were driving along and this old truck with a woman and two kids in it became visible ahead of us headed in our direction. I remember a couple of us waving at the kids that were sitting in the front, because they were waving at us…” I broke off and buried my head in Piper’s neck, the images flashing through my mind.
Feeling her stroking my hair, I couldn’t stop the tears. “She was carrying explosives wasn’t she?” she whispers into my hair as she hugs me tightly. Normally, I can’t take being held tightly like this, it’s too constrictive for me, but it’s Piper, I need her.
Nodding, I take a shuddery breath and try and get the words out. “I still see their faces smiling and waving,” I can’t stop shaking, reliving the nightmare. “She held up something, that’s all I remember until I opened my eyes and there was smoke everywhere. I still smell it and hear the guys screaming. I couldn’t breathe because it was burning my throat and my lungs felt like they were going to explode.” I closed my eyes, panting. “I touched an arm and then looked over, and there was Siglo staring at me. The force of the vee-bid, which is what we call a vehicle carrying an explosive, sent our vehicle flying. The explosion and landing had cut him in ha…” I moved Pipe quickly when I started retching and ran toward where I knew her bathroom was. I got there just in time to lose everything I’d had to eat and drink. The image of what was left of Siglo kept flashing at me making it impossible to stop being sick.
The feeling of a cold wet wash cloth on the back of my neck distracted me from the horror reel playing through my mind, but the feeling of Piper gently rubbing my back and whispering to me brought me back, away from my nightmares.
“Drink this,” she put a glass of cold water in front of me, “brush your teeth and come and lie down.” Doing what she said, I followed her through to her room, pausing as I saw her getting changed into a faded old t-shirt. I wasn’t sure if I should be doing this. I didn’t want to leave her because she’d been through hell tonight with her hand, and although I thought I wasn’t good enough for her, now that she knew what I’d done, what I was capable of, I needed to see if she thought the same thing. “Get into bed, Hunt,” I looked up and saw her taking some painkillers before she slipped into her bed.
“I don’t know if I should…” I was slowly pulling my t-shirt off even as I said it. “I have nightmares, Pipe; I might…”
“We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it, Hunter. Just get into bed.”
I stripped down to my boxers and slid in beside her. As soon as I got settled, she moved over and put her bad hand on my chest and her head on my shoulder. It was like old times as I put my arm around her back and kissed her on the top of the head.
I still had more to tell her though. “I couldn’t bring all of this to you, Piper. I thought I was doing the right thing, you deserved so much better than someone who took lives. But, I missed out on my son…” I swallowed over the lump in my throat. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
She was silent for a minute, but rubbed my chest with tip of her index finger in a variety of loops and patterns. “Why did you come back?”
“A couple of guys that I served with who were in a different unit left shortly before I did. They’ve set up home in a place called Piersville and had some shit going on. We were called in to help as soon as they heard we were State side, recovered and free. Seeing them happy, having a life…it gave me hope. We all have ‘issues’ because of what happened, Pipe. I wanted to give the guys a base and give them security to help them get over it.” Rolling over slightly, I repositioned her so that we were facing each other with her sore hand on my side. “I would have always come home. Even if I couldn’t have you, I wanted to see you happy, but then the thought of you with someone else…” This was another thing that ate away at me. Before I left, I’d had confidence. I’d been secure in myself and wouldn’t have been a pussy thinking about shit like this. I would have been pissed, but not insecure.
Piper had always been in tune with me, I s
wear she could read my emotions better than I could, and right now she was doing just that. Rolling further into me so our faces were close, she reached up with her sore hand and traced the scar that I had which ran just beside my ear with her finger.
“It wouldn’t have happened,” she said, watching her finger tracing up and down before looking me in the eyes again. “I was hurt, heartbroken, and so damn angry,” her eyes were shiny and her nose was turning that adorable pink color at the tip of it that always happened just before she cried. “But at no point would there have been anyone else. I just couldn’t…” she trailed off as she saw the scar that ran down my side from under my arm and around my back. Shooting up to sitting, she turned me with her good hand and pointed at it. “What the fuck is that?”
“My Frankenstein.”
“Your what?”
I laughed as she wrinkled her nose; that movie had scared ten rounds of shit out of her when we were teens. “It happened during the last mission,” I explained, closing my eyes as she ran her hand over it. The look of horror on her face paled in comparison to what I’d looked like when I’d first seen it. “At the time, it felt like maybe six inches long, but when I came around from the surgery and they showed me…”
Compass (Valiant MC Book 1) Page 4
