by Rose Gordon
Madison dropped her eyes to the floor. “I can’t tell you, Brooke. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Lose me?” Brooke asked disbelievingly. “I’m your sister, you can’t lose me.”
“You know what I meant,” Madison countered sadly. She wished she could talk to her. Brooke always offered good advice, even if Madison hadn’t always taken it.
Brooke ran her fingers through her son’s hair. “I do know what you meant. Our close relationship. But as I said, I’m your sister. With the exception of you sleeping with my husband—which I know isn’t happening—there is nothing you could do that would change my perception of you. I know every wrong you’ve committed before, and I assure you, whatever you’ve done this time probably pales in comparison to the mess with Robbie. So just tell me.”
“Brooke,” Madison said before taking a deep breath. “Do you think I’m in love with Andrew?”
Brooke made an unusual sound that sounded like she was trying to choke down a single high pitched, stunned giggle. “No,” she blurted, shaking her head for emphasis. “Why?”
“Benjamin does,” Madison said flatly.
“He told you this?” Brooke asked dumbly.
Madison nodded.
“Hmmm,” Brooke said, twisting her lips and staring at the wall for a minute. “Can I tell you something that will most likely hurt your feelings?”
“Feel free,” Madison replied blandly. “Everyone else does.”
Brooke flashed her a quick, rueful grin. “Madison,” she started, her voice rather quiet and serious, “I can see why Benjamin thinks that.”
“But—”
Brooke’s hand shot up and her gaze pierced Madison into silence. “No interruptions. I mean it. Think about it from Benjamin’s point of view for a minute. Andrew was your guardian. He’s the one who told Benjamin to keep you occupied while he took care of Robbie. Not that it’s Andrew’s fault, mind you. I told him to get rid of Robbie that night. Benjamin couldn’t have objected to keeping you company and hauling Robbie out of there himself because at the time it wasn’t his place. You weren’t his wife or fiancé or even someone he was courting. Instead, he was powerless to help you in the way he thought mattered.”
“Well, it worked out well for him,” she muttered, remembering how he took advantage of the situation, causing them to become affianced.
“Worked out rather well for you, too,” Brooke remarked dryly. “But that’s not the point. Before you married Benjamin, he had to stand by and watch Andrew solve your problems for you. Then—and I’m not saying this was entirely you’re fault, so don’t get mad—you asked Andrew to help you pursue any avenue available to get rid of Benjamin. Madison, I said no interruptions. I see your mouth open. Close it. Very good. What was I saying? Oh, right. After you begged Andrew to save you that day, he did. He convinced Benjamin to allow you to stay at Rockhurst so he could court you.
“Which, I must admit, I was rather surprised to hear. But that’s not relevant anymore. The truth is, you always rely on Andrew to help you.”
“But it’s because—”
“I know why you do it, Madison, but Benjamin doesn’t” Brooke said softly, cutting her off.
Madison closed her eyes and bit her lip to keep it from quivering. “So you think I should be more trusting of Benjamin?” The unspoken part of that question hung in the air.
“Of course,” Brooke said with a smile. “He’s really given you no reason not to.”
Madison shook her head. “I’m afraid it may not be so simple anymore.”
“Sure it is,” Brooke countered encouragingly.
“What if it’s not?” she asked brokenly, her voice shaky and raw. “He said he loves me, but was done waiting for me to feel the same. What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if it’s too late?”
“It’s not,” Brooke assured her. “Any man who’s carried a torch for a woman for six years, most of which time he thought she’d married another is not going to stop in a matter of days.”
Madison shook her head sadly. “I don't think it’s possible. He won’t even look at me. He barely speaks to me. He acts as if I don’t exist. I practically begged him to bring me to London, and even then he refused to ride in the carriage with me. Brooke, the man would rather ride on the hard coachman’s bench and endure a cold rain for more than twelve hours just to avoid my company.”
Brooke waved her off dismissively. “He’s hurt, that’s all. I’d say to give it more time and let him have his space, but we both know that’s not really what either of you want. Instead, he needs a little shove in the right direction.”
“Brooke, you’re not planning to do something, are you?” she asked, trying to imitate Brooke’s scary stare.
Nathan’s nurse arrived and Brooke handed her a sleeping Nathan. “No,” she said after the nurse left. She shook her head and grinned. “You are.”
Madison groaned. “Have you been listening to a word I said? He won’t talk to me. He leaves the room whenever I enter. Whatever you have in that scheming mind of yours won’t work.”
“Poppycock,” Brooke said, waving her hand in front of her face. “Men are simple creatures.”
“Not this one,” Madison muttered.
Brooke snorted. “You’d like to think so, but they’re all equipped the same.”
Now it was Madison’s turn to snort. “They may have the same parts, but they’re not all created equal.”
Brooke giggled then she abruptly stopped and got a very serious look on her face. “Forgive me,” she said, fidgeting in her seat and dropping her eyes to the floor.
“No need,” Madison said with a shrug. “I don’t typically make a habit of speaking ill of the dead, but in this case, I’ll make an exception.”
Brooke met her eyes again and looked like she was about to burst with laughter. “Well, I’m glad it all worked out well for you on that score.”
“It did,” Madison grinned. Then her smile dimmed and she swallowed hard. “Not that it matters anymore.”
“About that,” Brooke said thoughtfully. “Do you still have those nightgowns I had you order?”
Madison nodded. “They’re safely tucked into the back of my bottom drawer.”
Brooke closed her eyes and shook her head. “You better dig one out. You’re going to need it.”
A giggle passed Madison’s lips and she clapped her hand over her mouth to keep any more from escaping.
“Do you find something funny about wearing one?” Brooke lifted her eyebrow in the way her husband always did to put people off.
Madison shook her head no, still holding her mouth and laughing even harder at Brooke’s imitation of her husband.
“Out with it,” Brooke demanded with her stare.
“The night of my engagement, when Benjamin and I were in that little hallway together he accused you of leading Andrew around by his—”
“Stop,” Brooke clipped with a frown. “I do no such thing. And neither will you. I’m just telling you how to gain admittance to his presence long enough to get him to listen to you.”
Madison’s brows knit in confusion.
Brooke sighed. “I’ll tell you a secret. Marriage is a game of give and take. It seems to me that you’ve done all the taking, and now it’s your turn to do some giving. You wearing the nightgown is not the giving I’m talking about, either. That’s just to catch his attention while you explain yourself and offer him your heart.”
“Oh.”
Brooke smiled. “And hopefully after you do that, you’ll be able to discard that pesky nightgown post haste,” she added with wink.
Madison blushed. She hoped Brooke was right. She hoped Benjamin would accept the broken heart she had to offer.
Chapter 32
“You look like hell,” Andrew said, coming to take a seat next to Benjamin for their parliament session.
Benjamin scowled. “Since my understanding of hell is a large mass of all consuming fire, I can hardly believe I look that way,�
� he retorted coldly.
Andrew whistled. “Relax. It’s just an expression.”
“So is bugger off,” he countered with a steely stare.
“Touché,” Andrew said with a grin.
Benjamin crossed his arms. “What do you want, Andrew?”
Andrew grinned. “My, my, but I remember several conversations that started this way, Benjamin. Only the dialogue was reversed.”
Benjamin flicked his wrist. “Perhaps if you’d taken care of business we wouldn’t be having this conversation just now.”
Andrew’s smile vanished. “I, for one, am rather glad things worked out the way they did. And I think if you’d get past your own pride, you’d be happy, too.”
“Well, I’m glad things worked out well for you,” Benjamin offhandedly. Would the man take the hint and go away?
“As I said, they’d work well for you if you’d let go of whatever is holding you back.”
Benjamin broke eye contact. It all sounded so simple. But it wasn’t. The idea of sharing his wife with another man wasn’t an easy tonic to swallow. Sure Andrew was right and they could be content together sharing a bed and having a family. But knowing he’d never have her heart was more than he could bear. Especially knowing exactly who held it. “It’s not that simple,” he said quietly. “There’s more to the story than you know.”
“I’m sure you’re correct,” Andrew conceded. “Although I have a feeling I’ll know more of it tonight.”
His eyes snapped to Andrew’s. “Just what do you mean by that?”
Andrew shrugged. “I saw Madison this morning on my way out the door.”
Benjamin stiffened. “Why was she at your house?”
“Brooke summoned her,” Andrew said, shaking his head ruefully. “Don’t feel bad. Brooke does this to everyone. You wouldn’t believe the things I know about Paul and Liberty’s relationship,” he shuddered, “or the things I’ve been asked to do on their behalf.”
“Wonderful. Are you saying this is an occurrence I can look forward to for the rest of my life,” Benjamin muttered. Why did families have to involve themselves in everyone’s business? Perhaps in this one respect he was better off without one.
“You can count on it,” Andrew said earnestly.
“Is that what you wanted?”
“You mean to warn you about my wife’s tendency to ferret information out of her sisters better than a spy? No. I wanted to tell you something that is actually rather hard for me to say to you.” He shifted in his seat and ran a hand through his black hair. “I know we’ve had our differences, but I’m not opposed to the match. I think you two suit each other very well and I hope things work out.”
“Thank you,” Benjamin said graciously.
The session ended and Benjamin took his time about going home. He’d taken to eating his meals by himself in his study where he could stare at a book and wonder when his life had gone down the privy.
Like Andrew, he hoped things worked out, but between her lack of faith in him and his craving to possess her heart and soul, he doubted things would resolve in a way that would be pleasing to them both. As it was, their current situation wasn’t pleasing to either of them.
Benjamin walked inside and gave his hat to Todd and walked to his study, catching a glimpse of Madison in the drawing room as he went. Once in his study, he slammed the door and cursed his traitorous eyes for looking her up and down so thoroughly. One thing was about it, she was still as beautiful as she’d always been. His heart squeezed. He wanted her. It was undeniable. It was insane.
What was more insane was she hadn’t seemed put off one iota by his attempts to keep her at arm’s distance. Instead of leaving like he thought she might do, she’d greet him with a smile and try to engage him in conversation, no matter how rudely he acted as a means to escape.
He sank into his chair. Would it be so bad to have only part of her, he wondered as he flipped through his book. He found the page he wanted and pulled out a blank piece of paper and dipped his quill into an inkpot. His lips twisted into a doubtful sneer and he squeezed his quill with just enough pressure to make it bend but not snap. It wouldn’t work to only have half of her. If he couldn’t have all of her, there was no point.
***
Madison’s hands shook as she carried the dinner tray she’d ordered to have delivered to her room down to Benjamin’s study. She’d fibbed to Cook about Benjamin’s dinner plans and asked her not to deliver his meal to his study.
Lottie walked next to her, shaking her head and mumbling under her breath about working in a madhouse. At the door to Benjamin’s study, Lottie knocked and together they waited for him to shout for her to enter.
Taking a deep breath, Madison nodded for Lottie to open the door and slipped in as quietly as she could with all the silver clinging and clanging together on top of the tray.
“Just set it down by the door,” Benjamin muttered without looking up from his desk.
Madison put the tray on the table that was by the door and quickly slipped off her dressing robe, leaving her clad in a transparent red knee-length number that swooped dangerously low in the front, had twin slits from her knees to her hips and was trimmed with black lace.
“You’re dismissed,” he mumbled after a minute, still not dragging his eyes from his work.
She realized the door was still open, and using her foot, she gave it a kick that sent it slamming to the doorjamb.
He didn’t react. He didn’t look up. He didn’t curse. He didn’t even jump. He just sat motionless, clutching his quill and staring down at his precious paper.
She wondered if he knew it was her. Perhaps that was why he didn’t react. She was not going to be so easily put off. She’d had more than her share of stare downs with Jamison. She could stand here all night if she had to.
A fire blazed in the hearth not ten feet away from her, warming the whole room. No candles were lit except the five candle candelabra on Benjamin’s desk.
Her eyes studied him as he sat. His body looked rigid and uncomfortable. His fingers held the quill an inch of the paper, poised and ready to write. His eyes, which she couldn’t actually see, were trained on the paper in front of him. It was hard to tell, but it didn’t look like they were moving. His unshaven jaw was clenched and his mouth formed a tight line.
She had no idea how long she stood there staring at him. An hour. Perhaps two. Maybe even three. She didn’t know and it really didn’t matter. She’d stand there all night if that’s what it took.
Finally, when the fire was almost too dim to see and the wax candles on his desk had melted to little pools of wax that threatened to put the flame out, Benjamin sighed, threw his quill down and ran a hand through his unkempt hair. He leaned forward and quickly blew out the four candles that were still barely lit on his desk, then stood up to walk to the fire and froze.
“What do you want?” he barked.
“You,” she whispered. Now that the moment had come at last, her voice was failing her.
He snarled. “You’re wasting your time. Go up to bed.” His voice was harsh and cold, causing a lump of panic to form in her chest. He really might not want her anymore.
Steeling her spine and walking his direction. “No,” she said, shaking her head defiantly. “I listened to your tirade the other day. Now you'll hear me out.”
He scoffed and tried to walk past her.
She brought her hands up to his chest. “Stop, Benjamin. Just listen to me.”
He brought his hands to her wrists to pull them off and she flipped her hands around to grab his hands right before his fingers encircled her wrist.
Holding both of his hands palm to palm, she squeezed her fingers around his as tightly as she could. “Please, just let me tell you something. After I finish I’ll do whatever you want. Even leave if you ask it of me.” That was the most difficult thing she’d ever said in her life. Panic gripped her when she realized that statement was nowhere near as difficult as what she was about to say t
o him.
“Fine,” he said, pulling his hands away from hers and crossing his arms defensively. His face was unreadable and if she had to guess, she’d say he’d already made his decision and was only listening to her as a formality.
She swallowed. “I never planned to send that letter. I don’t love Andrew, I love you.”
He ground his teeth. “That’s not good enough,” he ground out. “You may leave tomorrow.”
“No,” she yelled almost hysterically. “I wasn’t finished. I wasn’t near finished.” She took a deep breath and willed herself to stay calm. “As I’ve already admitted, I fancied myself in love with your alter-ego, Leo. But when Robbie lied to me about your dishonorable intentions, my heart was crushed. For goodness’ sake, I had been so far gone I was planning the wedding and drawing pictures of us dancing together.” She shook her head and tried to swallow the emotion that had formed in her throat.
“After that, I was afraid to trust my heart with anyone again, including myself. I’ll admit when I was a young girl I spun daydreams of marriage to Robbie, but it wasn’t until I met you that I knew the difference between infatuation and love. It had only been infatuation I’d felt for Robbie. But after he told me you were only using me, I convinced myself I could settle for making a match with Robbie. He was the safe choice. If my heart wasn’t involved, I wouldn’t get hurt.” Her voice turned bitter and her heart squeezed in the painful way it had for the past year and a half when she thought of Robbie.
“But I was wrong,” she said quietly. “The idea of Leo’s cold rejection of me was nothing compared to the hurt Robbie caused.” She took a deep breath. “When I came here, it wasn’t for the reason you think,” she whispered, shifting her line of vision from his eyes to his shoulders. “As you know, a few months earlier I’d given my virtue to Robbie in hopes of marriage. And contrary to his insistence, his seed took root and I conceived.” She swallowed a sob that caught in her throat and closed her eyes to stop the flow of tears she was almost certain were about to leak.
“I went to him and he denied his participation. My father spoke to his father, and he refused to get involved. Without many options left to me, I ended the courtship, watched him marry a girl he barely knew and with the support of my parents and Brooke, decided I’d keep the child even if it branded me a whore and him a bastard.” She swallowed hard and rubbed her eyes with her fingertips.
