by V. F. Mason
Shit, it was Jeremy after all.
“Jane—” Sam made a move to go toward her, but Jane raised her hand and shook her head. She stood up, picked up her jacket, and went in the direction of the hallway. There were several rooms downstairs, and Nate told me he’d decided to host them there. Before she disappeared behind one of the doors, she turned around and looked at all of us.
“I always loved you guys. You were my first real friends and I considered us family. But this… this chaos is nothing like family.” She then moved her gaze to Ariel. “I was the one who held you in the hospital when you lost the baby from that bastard who didn’t spare you a glance. How could you forgive him, let alone surrender to him?” Then she moved to Sam. “You want him, then have him. But stop hurting Jeremy. And, Bella, I hope you’ve recovered well. I’m done here. I need a break. See you at the practice tonight.” With those parting words, she closed the door behind her, leaving us alone.
The slammed door felt like it was the final nail in the coffin.
World tour?
My ass.
Ryan
“Dude, you do realize that in the past three years you’ve been avoiding me?” Nick sounded pissed and annoyed.
“Yeah, sorry about that, man. But you know how busy I am and shit. Otherwise, I would meet you anytime.” I hoped my words sounded sincere, but I just couldn’t face my best friend after the shit that happened with Bella. Every time we met, I felt guilty as fuck, although I had no reason to.
We had an amazing night together, and she fucking ran off.
I was angry with Bella but mostly I was angry with myself for believing it actually meant something to her.
I couldn’t blame her, I guess. I was, after all, just a geeky, clumsy kid who finally got hold of his crush.
Women, as I’d discovered in recent years, admired and desired confidence in men.
No one needed Mr. Nice Guy.
It was a lesson I learned the hard way.
“I heard your dad wants to pass his hotels on to you. You ready for that?” Yeah, I was, if only it was what I wanted to do in life.
It was hard to explain, so I didn’t bother.
“He already did, and I had to accept it, but only if I had control over it. I wouldn’t want to work for a bunch of narrow-minded people who didn’t want to change the way of doing business.”
“I hear you, man. So listen, since you don’t want to come by my house and all, do you want to meet at Bella’s concert this week? They have this charity event in New York and it should be a great show.”
I knew all about this concert. My recent girlfriend was dying to go there and begged for me to buy the tickets. I would have never thought she was into rock music, but live and learn.
Actually, my refusal made her break it off with me, not that I cared.
I was good to my women when we were together, but there was never an emotional connection.
As much as it sucked to admit it, my heart still belonged to a wild girl with expressive violet eyes.
“No, you know the whole crowd and shit is not my thing.” At least I didn’t have to lie there. I preferred something more peaceful.
Of course, if we were together, I wouldn’t have missed any of her concerts. I still bought all their CDs like a love-sick fool and listened to her husky and angelic voice every damned day.
I hated myself for that weakness, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Nick chuckled at the other end of the line and that brought a smile to my face. He was the only best friend I had, and I trusted the guy as though he was my own brother.
But he was Bella’s brother, which meant no matter how much I wanted to, I could never trust him with my deepest secrets.
“Okay then, let’s make plans for next Saturday?”
“Sure, I’ll call you then?”
“Yeah, man.” He cleared his throat and said something I never expected to hear from him. “For what it’s worth, I would have liked you two together.” With those final words, he hung up the phone.
He knew, all this time. Of course he knew.
Nick Hastings knew everything about the people he cared for and considered family.
I would have to apologize to him the next time I saw him, because it was a violation of any bro code there was out there.
Little did I know back then that there wouldn’t be a meeting on Saturday, because my best friend’s funeral was held on Sunday.
Ryan
Jeremy and I were sitting in my office and he was drinking whiskey while I had orange juice. Never saw the appeal of alcohol and never could stomach it much except for whiskey; except that one time after her.
Ryan, you are such a sucker. Can’t even hold a beer down.
The memory of Nick’s teasing and laughter brought a smile to my face. He was one of a kind, and sometimes I still couldn’t believe he was gone myself.
I never thought that conversation would be our last, that I wouldn’t get to see my friend one last time and apologize to him.
When his funeral was held, I stayed behind longer and spoke to him.
I hoped like hell, wherever he was, he could hear me and he would understand.
“So you and Bella, huh?” Jeremy mused. He looked anything but happy about the fact. Jeremy was the only one who knew who I was; even the girls had no idea.
I raised my brow and held his stare.
“You and Sam?” His eyes narrowed, and there was a guarded expression in them. He took a deep gulp from his glass.
“Isn’t it a bit early to drink?”
“Not with the week I had, no.” He laughed, but it lacked any real humor in it. It was more like he was mocking himself. “She pushes me away. Constantly. It’s like I make one step forward and then a hundred back,” he suddenly said, and then leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. His voice was harsh and defeated, as though he’d given up the battle. “All she is willing to give is sex, and as far as she’s concerned, we’re not exclusive, either.”
Well, fuck.
I did understand his pain. Seemed like the girls in the band had one thing in common; they knew how to push away men who loved them. I opened my mouth to explain that my situation with Bella wasn’t exactly sunshine and roses when my office door opened and slammed to the wall. Drake entered, shutting it behind him loudly.
He was only wearing pants and a shirt; his hair was all over the place, and the guy looked like he’d had a rough fucking session.
He also looked pissed as hell.
Without a word, he came to the bar, poured himself a shot of whiskey, and drank it all in one go. Then he had another, grabbed the glass, and sat on the chair next to Jeremy and opposite me.
“I suppose the reunion didn’t happen the way you planned it?” Though my voice wasn’t sarcastic, his eyes still flashed with anger and he moved forward.
“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about, so don’t sit there and lecture me.”
“Funny, but your mess happened in my house and you are drinking in my office. So if I want to ask questions, I fucking will.” He was silent for a moment and finally spoke up.
“We met in Las Vegas. Was fucking love at first sight for me. I’ve never met someone like her before.” His face softened and a light smile appeared on his face. “We spent an amazing night together, and then she fucking ran off.” His face became grumpy again and he had a sip from his glass. “I hired a private investigator to find her, so imagine my fucking surprise when I discovered who she was. I contacted her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. She wanted a divorce, and I refused to give it to her until she would let me see her.” He finished and now just drank quietly. He stood up and, instead of getting another glass, he brought the whole bottle with him. Jeremy extended his hand with his own glass and Drake refilled it, too.
Those two would be wasted soon enough and I would have to deal with their drunk asses.
“I had no idea she was married. She never told me. She ne
ver dates or screws around with guys like the rest.” My hand squeezed into a fist. I didn’t want to hear about my girl sleeping with all those guys.
I wasn’t a saint either, but those women would have never happened if she hadn’t pushed me away in the first place.
“Yeah, because she wants you.” Drake said through his gritted teeth. I felt the tension in the room rise. Jer turned all his attention to Drake and his face was lethal.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Drake’s facial expression was cold as he gave Jer a look.
“Dude, you can’t be that clueless, can you? She is in love with you. No, correction, she thinks she is in love with you.”
“This is fucking bullshit. There was never anything between us, and I never gave her an indication I wanted anything, either.” There was disbelief written all over his face.
“Jer, come on.” I finally spoke up. “Even I could see she has a thing for you.” Drake growled and I rolled my eyes. “Okay, she thinks she has a thing for you. It’s hard to miss with the way she looks at you and shit.” He just kept shaking his head and took the bottle from Drake, pouring himself another shot.
“This fucking sucks, man.”
“Tell me about it,” Drake replied and refilled his glass as well. The way they were going at it like there was no tomorrow, maybe I needed to bring more juice to my office. I doubted they wanted to go anywhere after that. Looked like we were going to stay here for a while.
“Shit, well, that’s what’s stopping Sam from being with me then.” He laughed and then threw his glass against the wall; it shattered into pieces. “Five fucking years I’ve wanted her, and watched her screw random guys and reject me because she didn’t want to hurt her friend. It all makes sense now.” He stood up and leaned with his hands on the table, struggling to gain his control back.
“Come on, man, calm down.”
He looked up at me and pointed his finger at me. “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. I went through hell!”
“Yeah, well, I had to watch my girl leave me completely and sleep with everyone else, so it’s not like I had it better than you. So calm the fuck down.” He gave me a mocking smile and started to drink from the bottle.
Yeah, I could relate to that, too. When she rejected me, I lost it. I drank and fucked random chicks, thinking it could help me forget.
It never did.
He sat back down, put his elbows on his knees, and covered his face with one hand. With the other he still held the bottle.
“Do you have more of that stuff?” Drake asked in the stretched silence. I nodded, grabbed the bottle I had under my table, and gave it to him. He picked it up, opened it, and started drinking.
I felt like they were a bunch of teenagers and I had to deal with their sorry asses.
“We drink, and then we come up with plans, and you’re gonna share yours,” Jer said, and I frowned.
“What?”
“We fucking come up with a plan to make our girls want to be with us and, man,” he turned to Drake and motioned with his bottle, “Jane doesn’t fucking love me. So let’s be civil to each other here. I never touched her.” My brother nodded, but still had anger in his eyes whenever he looked at him. “And you should tell us what the hell you’re doing with Bella.”
Un-fucking-believable.
Annabella
“Lunch is ready if anyone is hungry.” I jumped as Marie’s soft voice reached the living room, which was dead-silent since Jane stormed off ten minutes ago. None of us moved or talked, each lost in her own thoughts.
“Thanks, I’m not hungry, but the smell is delicious. I’ll eat later,” Ariel said quickly and gave her a warm smile, but then ran off to what I assumed was her room, without giving us as much as a glance.
“Thank you, I just—I need to go now, but later I’ll have some for sure.” Sam’s voice was shaking a bit. She didn’t even try to smile, just picked up her jacket and went outside.
I was left alone once again.
“They are hurting.” I looked up at Marie and noticed she followed Sam with her eyes, who was now sitting on the bench in front of the house, which was visible from the window. I bit my lip and smiled sadly.
“I think we all are.” She shook her head.
“If you just knew that you all suffer from the same thing.”
“What is it?” I had to disagree with her there. I suffered with the fact that my brother was dead.
I never wished this kind of pain for anyone, but oddly enough, the pain was muted. It was like this scratch inside you that would always stay there, but it wasn’t a raw burn as it was before.
Some would probably say it was too soon to feel that way, but I did.
Maybe because I silently grieved for so long. Maybe because I had to move on to survive.
I had nothing but memories left of him, and I knew him.
He would never have wanted me to live like I did all those months, with stupid drugs.
“Each one of you is afraid of love, and as a result, you push the man who loves you away. Loving someone is a great risk, but at the same time, the biggest reward.” She gave a warm smile. “Someday, I hope you will see love as a strength and not a weakness.” She left for the kitchen, and I was left completely confused and alone once again.
Was that what I was doing?
Pushing the man I could love away?
I didn’t with Nate. He kind of bulldozed himself into my life, not leaving a chance for me to not have feelings for him.
But there was always Ryan, wasn’t there? I knew he loved me, he told me. I was so afraid to feel the emotions we had. I didn’t want complications. I didn’t need it, and I thought I didn’t need him.
Would life be different if back then I’d chosen him? I wouldn’t have been alone all those months.
But I learned a long time ago that it was stupid to dwell on what-ifs. The best way was to never make the same mistake twice.
Which meant I should give whatever it was with Nate a shot; not that he was letting me do otherwise, anyway.
First, though, I needed to fix a few things.
I stood up, grabbed my jacket from the hook by the door, and went outside.
The fresh, lightly chilly wind felt good on my skin, and the sun, although not warm, made this day seem beautiful. People were working, horses were running, and nature was slowly adapting to spring. There was green grass and some flowers. I couldn’t wait to see how it all looked during summer, and somehow I had confidence that I would see it.
I walked by the place Sam was sitting. She had headphones in her ears and looked straight ahead toward the great view of the horizon. She didn’t even give me a glance, but that was okay. I knew her well enough to know how much she was willing to give and how much she wasn’t.
I sat next to her on the bench and sighed. The weather was amazing. I could hear the loud music out of her headphones clearly. It was some heavy metal shit she liked. I put my legs up and curled up on the bench. I grabbed her hand, which was next to me, and squeezed it. She tensed for a second, and I had a feeling she would pull it away, but then she squeezed it back and didn’t let go.
We didn’t say anything more, but I smiled anyway.
Because I knew we were fine.
She was my best friend.
And I was hers.
Drugs didn’t change that.
Pain didn’t change that.
I think nothing could have ever changed that.
The music stopped and she removed her headphones with her other hand and leaned her head back on the wall.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
“Me too.”
“I just didn’t know how to deal. I love Jane and Ariel, but it’s different.”
“I know.” And I did know that. She was my person and I hers, as Cristina and Meredith would have said in Grey’s Anatomy.
“I was hurt, and instead of thinking of how much you’re hurt, I focused on my pain. That was wrong and I’m
sorry. I was just angry.”
“I’m sorry for turning to drugs and not to you for help.” She nodded and then laughed, but it was stern and lacked her usual warmth in it.
“I fucked up with Jane, huh?”
“Do you have feelings for Jer?” She looked away and tensed slightly, and I thought she wouldn’t answer me or brush it off, but she did neither of those.
“I do.” She said it so low that I had to come close to hear her properly. “I always have. I just…I never thought it was a good idea and, well, other guys were easier to deal with.” She raised her legs, too, put one elbow on her knees, and then rested her head on her hand. “We started having sex almost a year ago. I even came up with the non-exclusive thing so he wouldn’t get any ideas.” I frowned because any idiot could see how much the guy was in love with her. Her sleeping with someone else must have hurt him immensely. She must have noticed my reaction because she continued, “I didn’t sleep with anyone but him. I couldn’t. I didn’t even try. I want no one but him. How fucked up is this, huh?”
“Are you holding back because of Jane?”
“Yes. No.” She gave a frustrated sigh. “I love her like a sister, and I know she’s in love with him. I stayed away from him, but at some point, it became unbearable. I hate that I bring her pain, but at the same time, it wasn’t like he led her on. And then I’m not sure I should be having any permanent relationships with anyone. Love is complicated.”
Boy, did I know what she was talking about.
Marie was right.
We all ran away from love.
“She has a husband,” I couldn’t help but point that out. “I don’t know Drake outside from our sessions, but he seems like a great guy.” She smirked.
“Did you see how he went all caveman and shit on her ass? That was hot.” I nodded, because I completely agreed with her.
“The dude himself is hot.” We looked up to see that Ariel had come to us and sat down next to me. She grabbed my free hand and mimicked our position. “I went to look for you guys and then saw you through the window.” I squeezed her hand and knew we were missing only one final link to us, but she probably needed more time to deal with all the shit—
