by A. J. Downey
“What happened?”
“It’s old… like three days old. I stepped on a piece of glass.”
“How did that happen? You’re usually so careful.”
“It just… did…”
She hugged herself and I took another cautious step forward. She didn’t retreat but she didn’t step to meet me, either.
“Seriously, Blue, what do you want?” she asked softly.
I halted three strides from her and sighed, “To beg forgiveness… to see if you still want me… a lot of things I don’t really deserve.”
“You’re right,” she swallowed hard, “you don’t.”
Ouch.
“Hayley, I’m so sorry…”
“Me, too,” she said simply, her eyes welling. She sniffed and they spilled over and my heart broke all over again, only this time it was for her.
“Fuck, what have I done?” I uttered and she looked at me sharply.
“I loved him, too… I mean, not like you obviously, but I did… and I love you but I couldn’t be around you. Not when you were like that, not when you weren’t safe.”
I’d scared her, and that made me feel like shit. She smoothed her hands down the front of her body and it made me ache for her.
“Where were you?” she demanded.
I cleared the lump out of my throat and sighed, “I can’t really tell you, mostly because I don’t really know… at least I don’t remember, not all of it.”
“Well, what do you remember?”
I barked a derisive laugh, “Nothing good, little one.”
She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, and I echoed the sentiment.
“Well, tell me what you do remember,” she ordered and I rolled my lips together.
“I’m afraid if I do you really won’t want me around anymore.”
“Well, that’s the risk, the price you pay, for abandoning your girlfriend when your mutual boyfriend dies.”
That was a fair point, even if I had never considered Cell my boyfriend, it was closer to the truth than it wasn’t; so I couldn’t quibble semantics on the issue.
I sighed heavily and said, “You’d better sit back down.”
She sank onto her stool and I watched her heart sink as she did it. I bowed my head and worked up the courage to tell her what I could remember, fully expecting this to be the last time I ever saw her.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me for any of the shit I did when I was drunk and coked out. Hell, I don’t expect you to forgive me for being drunk and coked out…”
“Just… tell me…”
I told her, and memorized every line of her face, as stoic and shut down as it was as I did it because the more neutral her expression became, the more certain I became that I would never be seeing her again.
No woman in their right mind should forgive me for abandoning them in one of their darkest hours… not only abandoning her, but cheating on her to boot… It didn’t matter how out of my mind I’d been.
Hayley had dropped her eyes and stared at a fixed point on the floor for a really long time. Finally, she raised her eyes to mine and said, “You’re right, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for this… but I have to try.”
“Why?” I asked frowning, confused at her phrasing…
“Because I’m pregnant.”
I didn’t know it was possible to feel both elated and devastated at the same time. I was torn between wanting to drop right on my ass right then and there and start rocking back and forth, and wanting to go to her and kiss her and pick her up and swing her around cheering… I held still, though, and didn’t do either of those things until I got some kind of a measure of how she felt about it.
Her eyes bored into mine, tears sliding down her face until I ached to be able to wipe them away. I took a halting step forward the urge was so strong but her next word halted me.
“I don’t know if it’s yours, or if it’s Cell’s… I just know that I can and will be a single parent if I have to.”
I shook my head vehemently, “You’re not going to be a single parent, my little one. Even if it’s Cell’s, it’s mine… even if I can’t make it up to you, you put my name on the birth certificate and I’ll pay. That’s our child,” and I could tell she knew exactly what I meant by our child.
She shook with sobs and stuffed her hand against her mouth, taking a deep breath in through her nose and trying and failing to hold it together. I knew the feeling, my own eyes hot and glassy with my own unshed tears at the enormity of what was in front of us.
“I don’t know what to do…” she moaned and it broke my heart hearing my words come from her lips, knowing the pain I’d dealt her with my absence and my actions.
“You don’t have to do anything right now, baby. I do. I need to figure out how to fix what I broke…”
“Blue,” her voice held such an infinite amount of pain it broke me to hear it.
“Just tell me what you need, baby, just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.”
She looked at me plaintively and shuddering said, “Stay with me.”
Chapter 36
Hayley
“Stay with me.”
I felt weak for saying it, but I was scared. I was terrified of having a child alone. Scared of losing both Cell and Blue at once, but mostly I was scared of living the rest of my life with the deep regret of not having at least tried. Of having my child ask me to tell them about their father, of having to explain to them why he wasn’t there and a part of their lives.
There was far more at stake here than just me, or Blue… and I couldn’t deny that even though these last ten days had been soul rending, I was still deeply in love with the man standing in front of me.
None of it meant that I would be a doormat, however. All of it meant that I would likely be judged as being one by outside parties.
He strode toward me to grab me, to hold me and I wanted that so badly but I held up a hand, afraid if I let him touch me now my resolve would crumble completely.
“This does not, by any means, mean that we’re somehow fixed, or okay…” I said and he shook his head.
“I know that.”
His arms around me felt so good, and I couldn’t help my arms going around him, holding him back… Weakened, I sobbed and he held me so tight as if afraid if he let go he would lose me forever.
It was still on the fence as to if he would.
“I’m so sorry,” he said into my hair and while I believed him, I couldn’t forgive him. Not yet.
“I miss him so much,” I whined and I felt him tremble as he fought tears of his own, which it was just us here… just him and just me, and I wished that he wouldn’t just stand there stoic and pretend to be strong for me. I wished that he would just hurt like I hurt, I just wished that he would hurt with me so I didn’t have to do it all alone.
I couldn’t hold back anymore. I said so. I told him everything because like it or not, he was the only one who understood and the dam broke.
I sat at my worktable, Blue stood with me, and we both cried over the loss of our lover, our safety.
Chapter 37
Blue
“You took them down…”
I was surprised at how much it hurt to see it, all these bits of empty fishing line hanging down above us as we lay on the bed in her loft. We were just talking. I wasn’t about to press my luck, no matter how much I wanted the feel of her soft skin against mine.
She rolled her head along her pillow and looked at me startled, “Don’t you remember?”
I shook my head and thought hard, finally having to admit defeat. I looked at her and she searched my face, deciding I wasn’t lying, took pity on me.
“At Cell’s wake, you told me that you folded them, but the words were his…”
“I did?”
“Yeah.”
I swallowed hard and said, “They were good words.”
“Yeah. I wish I’d known about them.”
“I don’t remember sa
ying that… maybe it was because you needed to know then?” I said hopeful. Hell, I’d grasp at anything to make her feel even a little bit better.
“Maybe…”
She sounded so solemn another piece of my heart broke off and fell away. I sniffed and said, “I’m so fucking lost without him. He was always in control, the man with the plan, and I was good with that. I think I needed it, you know?”
She was quiet for a time and said, “Maybe it’s time to come up with some plans of your own.”
I threaded my fingers through hers where our hands lay between us and absently brought her hand to my lips, brushing a kiss along the back. She inhaled sharply and while I was glad she was still attracted to me, the conflict I heard in that sound told me just how far I had to crawl to earn back any of her favor.
I’d crawl a thousand miles through broken glass if it made a difference.
“I don’t know that I want a ‘me’ without you if I can help it,” I said honestly and she stayed silent. I closed my eyes and let out a frustrated breath. “That didn’t come out right. That wasn’t supposed to be some creepy threat of suicide should we not work out. I just meant to say I didn’t want to make up plans for just me. I’d rather we make plans together, for us.”
More silence, then a soft rush of her breath and, “What do you think those plans would have been if Cell were still here?”
“I honestly don’t know…” and I didn’t.
“What would you have wanted?”
I swallowed hard and told her the absolute truth, “I would have wanted to move the hell out of the club, for one. I would have loved to have gotten a house for the three of us. Made a home, whatever the fuck that would have looked like… Cell wasn’t exactly the domestic type, you know?”
“That’s putting it mildly,” she said with a slightly bitter laugh.
“What about you?” I asked.
“What about me?”
“What did you dream your life would be like?”
“I always dreamt I would meet a man and fall in love. That he would love me back, fiercely and patiently. I always dreamt we would get married, maybe travel… and that when the time was right, maybe have kids. It wasn’t a deal breaker, though.”
“Travel, huh?”
“Mm, yeah. No place exotic, mind you. Just around… maybe New England, maybe Florida. Maybe even the west coast, just somewhere different from here.”
“Sounds nice.”
“Yeah.” I felt her hand drift over her stomach.
“And now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, you have to have thought of at least something…”
“I have to keep working, obviously, and I need to tell my dad. Other than that, I hadn’t gotten very far. I mean, I don’t have money for a home of my own. I have no idea how my father will react other than he won’t be happy. I always pictured myself married before pregnant… I never wanted it any other way.”
“You’re going to be okay, you know that right?” I kissed the back of her hand again and felt her shake her head.
“No, I don’t know that, and that’s what scares me.”
“That’s fair, that’s fair…”
More silence, and I couldn’t tell you how grateful I was that it was a comfortable one. I took a breath, then stopped, then decided to fuck with it, and went for it.
“So let’s make a plan. Doesn’t have to be grand, just something to hold on to. One step, one day at a time…”
I turned to face her and she rolled her head on her neck to face me. She searched my face and dipped her chin, I couldn’t tell if it was in agreement or if it was to tell me to go on, so I split lanes.
“We both have to work, and I know I’ve set us back a long, long, ways but, Hayley… date me again. Same as before. Let me pick you up on Friday or Saturday. Let’s go do things and figure this shit out just you and me this time. As things progress, let me take you to the doctor and go to whatever classes with you… I mean, that’s a reasonable starting point, right?”
She nodded, and said, “It sounds reasonable…”
“Okay.”
I was going to make this up to her. I didn’t know how, I didn’t have the first clue how, but in her and in the baby she carried, I had everything to live for and as much as I felt overwhelmed and shit, I knew that we weren’t either of us really alone. That I had the backing of the club for all I’d been shitty to them, too.
It was as if I needed to relearn how to live my life and the guilt that came with thinking that way was pretty immense. I mean, the way I said it made it sound like I was some kind of prisoner of Cell’s or some shit…
Maybe in some ways I had been?
I lay in the dark beside Hayley, fingers entwined with hers, my thumb swiping back and forth over the silky skin along the back of it. I stared sightlessly at the raw wood beams of her ceiling, thinking for god knows how long, but when I looked back at her again, her eyes were closed, her breathing even and deep.
I stared at her sleeping face for what seemed like forever, until the golden glow of morning lit her studio’s windows.
Chapter 38
Hayley
The roar of a motorcycle outside startled me awake. I opened my eyes and jerked my head back and away from whatever was in my face. I picked up the folded paper lily and the flat note beside it.
No words in this one. I swear to you, I’m going to make this up to you. I’ll pick you up on Friday for a date, if you’ll let me. Just text me… Maybe I’ll see you for lunch tomorrow…
Blue
I got up and carefully hung the lone flower off of one of the empty bits of fishing line and sighed. Rebuilding this relationship was going to take a lot more than origami flowers, but I would be foolish not to try. Still, I had to stick to my guns… he only had one chance to be faithful, to do this, and I couldn’t let him off easily.
I gave the unicorn with the rainbow mane a squeeze before I went down the ladder out of my loft. I used the bathroom before drifting over to my table and the broken bits of black, crimson, and a more muted red lying on it. I didn’t have a map for this piece. Nothing on paper… just bits and pieces of random broken glass and a clear idea of what I was doing. As if building this window was the physical representation of mending my broken heart.
“Hayley…”
I looked back over my shoulder at my dad in my studio doorway and sighed, “Hi, Daddy.”
He came into the room and over to my table hugging me and looking over what I was making. He didn’t come out here as a general rule, so his appearance here was out of sorts.
“Saw that Joe just left,” he said and didn’t sound exactly happy about that. I closed my eyes and sighed, sitting back.
“Nothing happened… we just talked.”
“And?”
“And he has a long ways to go with me before anything could happen.”
“I don’t like it, Hayley. Hurt you once, shame on them, hurt you twice…”
“Shame on me, I know… but you never not once screwed up with Mom?”
“Not like that, no, but I see what you’re saying and I made my mistakes, sure.”
I shifted uncomfortably and said my piece, “I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but in my heart I know it’s not wrong… and I know you’re going to be disappointed with me, but…”
“Pregnant?” he asked, and I looked up sharply.
“How did you know?”
“You always were real bad at keeping secrets,” he said. “And you’re right… I am disappointed, I’d have liked to seen you married off and in a stable relationship with a man who respected you and who’s not a felon.”
I bowed my head and nodded… it did sound awful when he said it like that and deep down I was beginning to feel awful about myself. He didn’t exactly help when he sighed out harshly and said, “I thought I raised you better than this.”
Tears sprang to my eyes and I squeezed them shut. They spilled over and I jus
t gripped the edge of my stool to either side and hunched my shoulders.
“I’m so sorry…” I whined, but I knew it probably didn’t mean anything.
“You’re my only daughter, Hayley… old enough, now to make your own decisions, but I ain’t got to like them… I just have to live with ‘em.”
I nodded and he sighed out harshly asking, “Do you even know which one it belongs to?”
“Does it matter?” I asked, suddenly indignant. “As long as it’s loved and has two parents, does it really matter? I mean, will you, it’s only grandfather, love it any less?”
He jerked back a little as if he’d been slapped and I stood my ground on this one saying, “Because if it matters that much to you, I need to find another job and will work on finding someplace else to live. I was raised in a house of love and I won’t accept anything less for my baby.”
My dad sighed and said, “You’re gonna be fierce, just like your momma.”
“You’re damn right I am.”
He smiled and he shook his head, “You made your point, and no, I’m not gonna love it any less, baby. I love you, and it’s a part of you, so I’m gonna love it just fine… I’m just not sure about this guy.”
Which was totally ironic, to be honest. If you really thought about it, Cell had always been the questionable one of the two. Blue always the more dependable. Which is the only reason why I was even willing to give him a second chance… because I knew just how far out of sorts Duracell’s dying had made my poor Blue.
Still, that wasn’t an excuse for Blue’s behavior… there was no excuse for that.
My dad and I talked until he absolutely had to go and get to the diner. I told him I was coming back to work the next day and he asked me if I was sure. I’d nodded, mostly because I knew raising a child was expensive and I needed to start saving for the impending medical bills for regular doctor’s visits and giving birth.
The rinky-dink insurance plan that was all my father and I could afford only covered so much and there were still copays and things to be covered. I also had to convert one of the upstairs rooms to a nursery. My father giving me what was the guest room.
