by JJ Ellis
“I’ll take you out there. Give me about an hour to make some calls, okay?”
“Thanks.” Riley’s smile was genuine this time. He rushed to his room to text Aidan. His original plan had been to not even bother with him anymore but for some reason, he felt like he needed the companionship. “Hey, are you going to respond? Can you hang out today?”
A few minutes later, Aidan replied. “God help me, I’m responding. How about we have our first date?”
Riley smiled but wasn’t sure he was in the right frame of mind to come out to the town. “I don’t know, A. I’m not in a good place right now.”
It wasn’t long before he replied. “Please? Just pizza and a movie then we’ll come back here, and I’ll put you in a good place.”
Riley’s body stirred at the thought of what Aidan might have in mind. “Okay, fine. Suck me off, finally?”
“Yeah. Exactly what I had in mind. See you soon?”
“Be there by noon.” Riley tossed his phone on his bed and headed for the shower. If people were going to call him a murderer they might as well call him a queer too, get it all over at once. He actually started to look forward to his first date with Aidan.
RILEY WAS MISSING HIS motorcycle but the snowy roads necessitated having a car and the old SUV wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t his motorcycle. As he pulled up to the curb, he started to get nervous. He wasn’t sure what to expect and he wasn’t sure what Aidan expected. For the first time since they hooked up, he was actually concerned about that.
After just one knock, the door came open and Aidan stood there with a big smile. “You didn’t have to bring me something.”
“I wasn’t sure if you were a flowers kind of guy,” he said holding out a small bunch of roses. “Or a video game kind of guy.” He held out a copy of a video game his boyfriend didn’t yet have.
“Either one is fine with me as long as you are the one giving it to me.”
They both burst into laughter. “I know it sounds corny but I kind of feel like we’re a real couple now,” Riley said.
“Yeah, me too. Thanks for these.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll help you find a vase so we can go.”
THE BOYS STEPPED OUT of the SUV and met in front. “You ready for this?” Aidan asked. “We’ll both be out now.”
“I am,” Riley decided, grabbing Aidan’s hand and propelling him forward. “There’s no turning back now.”
As they stood, waiting to be shown to a table, Riley wondered how Aidan could be so relaxed and calm. He was looking at everyone who passed and trying to gauge their reactions. Thus far, he hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary. He guessed he shouldn’t have been surprised. After the original Ben Harper, the town had grown more tolerant by leaps and bounds. As a general rule, the kids he used to hang out with were the only ones who cared and that was because it was expected of them. He soon found himself almost as relaxed as his boyfriend was.
Riley and Aidan sat side by side as they ate their shared pizza and talked. “So, how are you handling things?”
“I had a nightmare last night. Well, kind of two and I feel strange. Alone. Almost like I’m not a real person anymore.”
“Kind of like the person you were has been tainted?” Aidan asked.
Riley turned to his boyfriend and searched his eyes. “Yes, how did you know?”
“My uncle fell asleep at the wheel and hit another car. A little girl died. That’s how he said he felt.”
“That’s it exactly. I also feel like the person I could have become is also tainted.”
“I’m so sorry, Ri. I’m here if you need me.”
Riley leaned in and kissed Aidan. Even the harsh voice of his cousin Asher couldn’t break through at first. “I’m sorry, Ash, I was too busy kissing my boyfriend to hear even one little bit of the trash you spew out of your mouth.”
Asher slammed his hands down on the table and glared at the couple. His voice was purposely loud and clear. “I said, isn’t it a shame that my own flesh and blood is a murdering fucking queer.”
Before anyone could predict what would happen next, Riley was up out of his seat, his head ramming his smaller cousin right in the gut. They both went to the ground.
The next thing Riley knew, he was being hauled up and back by Ben Harper and Asher was being lifted by a big mother fucker with a Marine haircut and a scar dissecting one side of his face. “You want to fight, you take it off the property. And you,” he said shaking Asher. “We don’t take kindly to people using the word queer in this establishment. You and your friends will now leave. You can come back another day but one more problem and you will be trespassed.” The man quickly and efficiently escorted Asher and his friends out.
“Who the hell was that?” Riley asked rubbing his aching neck.
Ben chuckled. “That was my grandmother’s boyfriend, bad ass Vietnam vet, Jackson Ellis.”
“Bad ass is right,” Aidan chuckled. “Did you see how high he lifted Asher off the ground?”
Ben just laughed. “I’ll see you later. I’ve got things to do.”
“Are you mad?” Riley asked as he sat down next to Aidan.
“No. I mean I wish you’d handled it differently but there was some satisfaction in seeing the look on Asher’s face when you came up off the bench.”
“It’s who I am, that’s how I react because that’s how I was taught to react. I’m working on it.”
“I know. And that’s good enough for me.” Aidan leaned in and kissed Riley. “Are you hurt?”
“Not really. My neck is a little sore. Asher’s big gut isn’t as soft as it looks.”
“Want me to rub it for you?”
Riley looked at his boyfriend, his eyebrow raised. “I do, but not here. We’ll get thrown out and arrested.”
“Good point. You want to head home?”
“Let’s watch the movie. What we want to do will still be possible later.”
Aidan chuckled. “Another good point. Can we at least kiss during the movie?”
“Yeah. Especially if we sit in the back.”
“OH DAMN. THAT WAS AMAZING.” Riley breathed as he settled back onto the air mattress they’d put on the living room floor.
“Mmmm, it was,” Aidan agreed, rolling to face Riley. “I’m beginning to understand why you’re the way you are. And I’m beginning to love it.”
“What do you mean?” Riley asked rolling onto his side too.
“I didn’t realize it until now, but your key trait is passion. Everything you do, good and bad is based on that.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, I mean you had such a passion for your new family that you risked everything to save your cousin.”
“Okay. I see that.”
“But you know what the true test was?”
“I don’t have a clue,” Riley said with a smile. Aidan’s enthusiasm was catching. “Tell me.”
“You were forced to lose a part of yourself when you saved Addie but you still have so much passion. It’s there physically, at Movie and a Pizza Place when confronted, and being sad that you can’t ride your motorcycle. It’s in everything you touch.”
Riley had to fight back tears. “Your words make me feel like I’m worthy of...of anything that comes my way. I’ve never felt like that before, ever.”
“More people should. You’re special, Ri. There’s something about you.”
“I love you, A. I really mean it.”
“I love you too, Ri.”
Just as they were about to kiss Riley’s phone rang with Johnny’s ringtone. Digging it out of his pants pocket he answered as quickly as he could. “Hi, Uncle Johnny. I was just about to call you.”
“It’s getting late. Are you coming home?”
“Oh man, we’re in the middle of a game. Could I just stay here? Aidan’s parents are here and we’ll just camp out in the living room.”
“Umm, yeah. I guess that would be okay. Just make sure you stay in. And uh...be...uh...be safe
, huh?”
Riley had to force himself not to laugh. “Will do, Uncle Johnny. I’ll be home for lunch.”
“You lied to him.” Aidan’s voice came from the kitchen.
“Does that bother you?”
Aidan shrugged as he walked back into the living room. “I don’t like it but at least you’ll be safe here with me tonight.”
“And that’s why I lied. By the time I got dressed and ready to go, it would have been late enough that he would have worried about me and we’d both be upset that our night ended.”
“But what about...”
“I had to tell him that your parents were here so he wouldn’t worry about what we were doing behind closed doors. He’s got enough on his mind with Adella.”
“Does it bother you at all? I mean like while we’re having sex, doesn’t it bother you that you had to lie to be able to do it?”
“I won’t be thinking of my uncle while we’re doing it.”
“You know what I meant,” Aidan said trying not to laugh.
“Yeah, I did. I don’t like lying and I try not to do it often, but sometimes it almost feels like a rite of passage.”
Aidan thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, I mean most kids lie to their parents about sex and stuff.”
“Exactly. Can I ask what you tell your parents after I’ve stayed the night? I know you ask their permission for me to at least come over and hang out.”
“Wow,” Aidan whispered. “I...okay, now I feel stupid. Forget I ever brought it up.”
“Forgotten,” Riley said with a grin. “Now should we play a video game or do something a bit more fun?”
“Just a bit?”
“RILEY, WAKE UP.”
“No. go away. There’s no school today.”
“I said get up you stupid little faggot.”
“Dad?” Riley scrambled back into the corner.
“Come on you piece of shit. It’s time you face the consequences of your actions,” Terry snarled as he grabbed his son’s arm and pulled. “Stop fighting me, Ri. Damn you’re strong for a little fairy boy.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you,” Riley screamed. “Go back to Hell where you belong.”
“Someone like you has no right to talk to me like that. Get your ass up and come with me.”
“Fuck you!” Riley pushed Terry away but he just came back after him. “Why is it so fucking hot in here?”
“Because, we’re going to Hell, together forever, father and son.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you. Ever. You’re not my father.”
A maniacal laugh erupted from Terry’s lips. “Once we enter Hell together, you’ll be my son forever. Johnny will be dead to you.”
Riley stood helplessly as his father grasped him from behind with a strength he’d never felt before. “Say goodbye, son. Say goodbye forever to everyone you love. Once we get to Hell, you’ll be just like me.”
“No!” Riley screamed. “Let go! No! I’m not like you! Let go!”
“I’m stronger than you. You’ll never escape. Just walk to the wall of fire. Let it consume us. Let’s go, Riley James.”
“No!” he screamed. “Never, you son of a bitch!” Riley woke covered in sweat, rocking back and forth on his hands and knees. Aidan’s arms were wrapped tightly around him.
“Hey, it’s okay, Ri. It was just a dream.”
“A? Oh God. I...I need air. Please let me go.”
Aidan released him and he shot to his feet, swaying. When he steadied, he started to gather his clothes and get dressed.
“Where are you going?”
“I...I don’t know. I just need to go. I’ll call you later.”
Aidan reached for his arm. “Please don’t go. It’s the middle of the night on New Year’s. Sit down and we can talk. Our we can go out to the back porch for some fresh air.”
“No. I...I have to go. I’m sorry.” Riley pulled away from Aidan and rushed out of the house.
“Ri! Come back!”
Every last thing that had happened since the day his dad first hit him came pouring back, invading his mind all at once. He was drowning yet he could still breathe. But he didn’t want to. It was all pollution that could harm him, that could change him, that could turn him into the one person he didn’t want to be anymore. He was desperate to escape, but how? There was no answer that he could see.
What was that sound? Maybe it would deafen him. Maybe it would calm the chaos in his mind. But when he couldn’t bear it anymore, silence suddenly reined; in his head and his ears.
“Hey, you’ll be okay. Just hang on?”
“Who are you?” riley mumbled as his eyes took in a tall read head. “Ben?”
The form laughed. “I’m Ben but not the one you’re thinking of. I’m his father.”
“Ben Harper?” Riley asked, trying to scramble away. “Aren’t you dead? Am I dead?”
Another laugh. “You’re not dead, but you could have been.”
“Why...why are you here?”
“I thought maybe you could use some advice.”
The pain made Riley’s head spin. “What advice? You don’t even know me.”
“I used to know someone a lot like you though. It seems like your world is crashing in on your head. And it’s like the good things that happen don’t matter anymore.”
Riley’s eyes closed as he listened to the sound of the night around him. “That about sums up my life now.”
“I know, and I’m here to tell you to keep fighting no matter what. Suicide is not now and never will be the answer to anything.”
“But I... I don’t wat to kill myself.”
“The way you were driving tonight tells me different.”
“I...I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
“It will get better, just keep believing.”
Riley opened his eyes again. “Why are you helping me? You hate Johnny and he might be my dad.”
Ben touched his chest to keep him calm. “I admit that there was a time when I hated Johnny Johnson more than I’d ever hated anyone. But I don’t hate him anymore. He’s done right by my boys and their adoptive dad. I owe him. I want to leave his son a legacy just like the one I’ve left for mine.”
“I don’t understand why.” Tears slid down the side of Riley’s face.
“Maybe I can explain it. Johnny grew into a horrible person until my death changed him. And now that I see you following the same path, I feel the need to use my legacy to help you.”
“And what’s your legacy?” Riley murmured he was so cold and tired.
“Love and Tolerance and purity of spirit.”
“That’s it?”
Ben laughed. “I guess it’s more complicated than that. For one, love freely. Don’t let anyone keep you from loving who you want.”
“I’m Bi.”
“I know. And you’ve become so brave. Stay that way. And show the tolerance that you have received from most to others you come into contact with.”
Riley nodded. “And?”
“Well, second love everyone which is also tolerance. Life becomes so stale and boring and painful when hate is allowed to enter the picture.”
“I stopped bullying.”
“Good.”
“What else?”
“Make sure love is a part of your life at all times. It keeps your spirit pure. Don’t be afraid of getting hurt, love anyway. Love your parents, your friends, your co-workers, because even though heart ache is bound to happen, the love will eventually carry you through.”
“I don’t know if I truly love Aidan.”
“Give it time, Riley. Love always reveals itself.”
Riley grimaced as pain shuddered through him. “I killed a man.”
“I know. And believe it or not, you’ll accept it.”
“Let me guess, just give it time?”
“That’s it. And let those you love and who love you in return help you through it.”
“I...I love Johnny
, but he grew up just like me. How can I fully trust him?”
“You can, one hundred percent.”
“It would help if you were real.” Riley actually laughed before pain caused him to gasp.
“I was real, and if I could be again, I’d trust Johnny Johnson with my life.”
“Thank you,” Riley said through tears. “I think I’m going to pass out. Will I remember this when I wake up?”
“I really can’t tell you that. My guess is probably not but the important parts of it will come through when you need them to.”
“Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome, Riley. Remember what I said. Be patient and love always.”
“I...I’ll try. I feel strange. I’m scared.”
“You’ll be fine. Someone’s coming.”
“Riley, is that you?”
Riley could hear someone talking to him but he couldn’t wake up enough to speak.
“Hold on, Riley. I called an ambulance.”
“Ben,” he mumbled.
“No,” came the woman’s chuckle. “But I have a son and a grandson named Ben.”
“Mrs. Harper?”
“Yes, it’s me. Don’t talk now. The ambulance will be here soon.”
16
BREAKING APART
“WHERE AM I?” RILEY could barely speak. His throat was so dry and it hurt so badly.
“Hey, Ri. Try not to move. You’re in the hospital”
“Again?” he said with a small laugh. But it hurt too much to continue. “What happened? I hurt everywhere.”
“I’m not surprised,” Johnny said, his voice calm in contrast to his pounding heart. “You were rear ended on County Road.”
“What...” He swallowed and grimaced. “What was I doing on County Road?”
Johnny offered him some water. “That’s what I’d like to know. You said you were staying in with Aidan but when they found you, you were alone.”
“I don’t...oh, the nightmare.”
“What nightmare?” Johnny moved the chair closer to the bed.
“I had a nightmare and everything became too much. All I could think of doing was to flee. I started driving and after a while, there was this loud noise and...and that’s all I remember.”
