With my mother's death, I felt as though a huge weight had been lift ed off my shoulders. She was a hard, miserable woman who hated herself and hated life, and now she was finally at peace. I always felt sorry for her, even when we were fighting. I knew deep down that she was being difficult because she could never be happy. She tried to kill herself six times, after all.
To this day, I'm still somewhat resentful of the fact that my mum never encouraged me to do the things I wanted to do. She turned down every opportunity that came my way whenever people wanted me to sing or act, and I think that she was jealous of me because she wanted so badly to be in the spotlight herself. Whenever I told her I wanted to pursue a career in music, she would say, 'Yeah, right.' She constantly put me down and laughed at me, even in her later years.
The last time I saw her was when I tried to make amends by visiting her where she was living in Tasmania, a couple of years before she died. I'd told her about my career by this time, but I think it had gone in one ear and out the other. She didn't even care what I was doing, and I don't think she ever comprehended that I was a porn star. On this last occasion, she actually had the gall to say to me, 'It hasn't been a very good life for you, has it?' Now, how's that for twisting the knife? She was the one who had basically ensured that my life hadn't been a bed of roses and now she was rubbing it in my face!
So, that's how it ended for my mum and me, in Tasmania. I cried and told her, 'You know what? I now realise that nothing ever changes, and so I just came here to say goodbye.'
However, on looking back, I realise I do have something to thank her for: getting me out of Kenmore. Had I not fought her torrent of abuse, I might never have left and my life to date might never have happened.
Chapter Seven
COMPILATIONS
AND VIOLATIONS
One of the many strange things about porn is that once you're done filming, you have no way to know how your work will be packaged, marketed or received. While it is good to know that what you've done has brought pleasure to people, even if they're expressing their appreciation by masturbating furiously to your image, they don't have a clue at all about who you really are or what you're like as a person, because they're fixating on you as a sex symbol. Which is all well and good, since that's the job I'm supposed to do, the function I'm paid to fulfil. But it is difficult to accept that, most of the time, scenes I shoot could end up anywhere – on the internet or on a compilation – and I won't get any more money for that.
Compilations are a thorny issue to us girls because we know that the companies have the right to re-use scenes shot for certain movies and slap them into 'new' movies – akin to how record companies release 'greatest hits' compilations for their recording artists (especially when their contracts expire, so that the company can make more money out of existing material). Unlike recording artists, though, we don't get paid residuals or anything extra for these additional 'movies' and there's just nothing we can do about it, because we don't have any kind of unionised collective bargaining in porn and nobody sticks up for our rights.
I once did a scene in a movie for my ex-husband, Craven, called Bustin' Nuts on Sluts, which had a really great box-cover, but I found out later that he used that same scene (and the cover too) for a 'new' movie called Fuck Me Like the Whore That I Am. (Yep, that's a typical Craven comment. That's really what he thought of me!) This kind of recycling happens all the time in porn. And nobody cares if you get called a whore, because it's supposed to be funny.
Anabolic Video did the same thing to porn star Sabrina Johnson, a really lovely English girl, back in 1999, when they strung together two hours of her scenes into a compilation called A Cum Sucking Whore Named Sabrina, along with this riveting piece of box-cover copy:
Anabolic brings you a collection of scenes of a Brit whose main source of food just may be the salty semen that shoots from the work that her pimp/husband finds her! We believe her primary source of income is to suck, fuck or do whatever else he might tell her to, to whomever he tells her to! Thus, A Cum Sucking Whore Named Sabrina! Enjoy!
Now, that might sound funny in a porn-friendly ironic way, but to those in the know, it had a weird subtext. Sabrina's real-life husband, Graham, had actually been busted and jailed for nine months for 'living off immoral earnings', so these guys at Anabolic were deliberately cashing in on the couple's notoriety. It's sometimes hard to say what's ethically or morally correct when it comes to an entire industry that deals in dubious interpretations and grey areas all the time. I know that if I was Sabrina, I doubt I would find that at all funny.
This kind of marketing feeds straight into the judgemental mindset of all those people who'll adopt the posture of moral rectitude and use it to condemn girls like Sabrina and myself. And I think that attitude sucks.
Just because we play sexually voracious women in our movies, does that automatically mean that we are equally accepting of what gets done to us by those who deem us lower than we deserve? In other words, do we deserve to be treated like whores just because we play those parts? And why should any woman be demeaned just because she is a whore, or because she stays close to her 'inner slut' (as progressive, pro-porn feminists have argued) and isn't ashamed of expressing herself with her body?
Which leads me to the second example, one that for me is much closer to the bone (pardon the innuendo). In October 2007, I learned that my one and only anal sex scene in the movie Skin had been used again, without my prior knowledge, in a compilation film about anal sex called The Ass Hammer. Both films were released by Platinum Blue, but Skin was funded by an investor, and part of the contract was that they would not use any of the footage in any other films. Yet here they were doing exactly that. They also used still photos from Skin, which is a breach of contract too.
Unfortunately for me, Platinum Blue went belly-up a month later, leaving my investor and me high and dry. Neither of us has been paid as much as a single cent for either of these films to this day, and we don't expect to recoup our losses any time soon, since there's nobody to collect from, given the financial insolvency of the distribution company. I was well and truly fucked, in the very real sense of that word, and I was well and truly pissed off .
I was initially so proud of Skin, but my enthusiasm soured after I found out how they'd used my anal sex scene in this way. It made me look bad to the buying public, because I now appeared to have not just one but two anal scenes out there, even though it was the very same scene. How was I supposed to correct this misperception in the marketplace? And how was I to appease some of my fans who might recognise the recycling of that scene and feel disappointed, because it now looked like I was out to make more money any way I could, even though this kind of avaricious behaviour was not my own doing at all?
I contacted one of the producers of The Ass Hammer, who I'd thought until then was a personal friend, and he said I should have known better and that they had every right to use anything they wanted for compilation movies, which was bullshit. 'Wow,' I thought, 'some kind of friend you are, mate!'
To this day, that whole debacle remains unresolved. A friend of a friend lost his life savings because of that whole mess. I felt bad for referring this guy to Platinum Blue, but I had no idea we were going to get ripped off . And, really, I didn't force him to take the offer – we could've shopped it around some more, but he too thought it was a great deal and decided to take a chance.
I learned a very valuable lesson from that whole sordid saga: just because you enjoy being sexually objectified, doesn't mean there aren't people out there who won't use that to their own advantage and for their own monetary gain, like putting your scenes in comps without your knowledge, much less your approval, or selling your images to websites or for phone sex ads.
Controlling your photographic image is just as difficult as controlling the use of your sex scenes. A free newspaper called the LA Xpress had me on their cover once, which I initially didn't mind because it was really an advertorial photo featuring the VCA l
ogo (since I'd shot a bunch of movies for VCA, so I saw it as free publicity for me). I found out later that the LA Xpress was a paper advertising sexual services of all kinds, mostly for 'healing' and 'therapy' by hookers. The cover shot had the unfortunate side effect of generating interest in me of a totally unexpected and unwanted kind – my name and photo ended up being used on several escorting websites, none of which I have any actual association with, and I have no legal recourse to have these photos removed. There are just too many of them – one of the very real downsides of instant publishing via the internet!
Times have definitely changed in the adult-film industry since I began in 2001. I used to get so many more lead-actress roles – more so than any contract girl. I was getting so much great work to do, and so much money, that for a lot of my career I thought a contract wasn't necessary. Now I realise it would've helped me to have been under contract more, since people seem to care so much about the 'contract girl' label these days.
Just like in the old Hollywood studio system, the adult-film industry likes to sign up girls on contracts whereby they have exclusive rights to film them in a certain number of movies over a certain period of time – usually a year – turning them into stars along the way by giving them major publicity and exposure. Vivid Girls are a good example of this, as they seem to have a certain prestige.
Because I'm not a contract girl, it seems like I don't get as much respect as I used to, even though my name on a box-cover will sell a lot of movies. I found that out from Adam & Eve and VCA, two companies for whom I've shot a lot of lead roles. They both offered me contracts, but VCA's offer was very small, and I would have accepted the Adam & Eve contract except after they made the offer they changed management and withdrew it, despite saying they would be able to sell at least 5000 units of my movies right off the bat, which was huge.
These days, contract-girl status is something all porn stars are supposed to covet, and what the fans all believe to be the ultimate validation of our worth as porn stars. It sounds so glamorous and, in theory, it is. What girl wouldn't want that? The freedom to work on only a specifi ed number of films each year for an agreed amount of money that is guaranteed income sounds pretty good, right?
The idea is sound on paper, provided you read your contract and sign off on what you believe to be a win–win situation. The downsides, though, can be that the company 'owns' you and tells you what you can and can't do, including not changing your hair, not getting tattoos, not doing any shoots or interviews or attending events that they don't approve of, and they can also own your website and your name, which they may not give back to you after the contract expires.
From the viewpoint of us performers, it might save us from the plight of the freelance girl who has to schlep from shoot to shoot, making her money where she can, but reality can also bite hard. There have been a lot of contract girls at every company who have left their contracts without renewing them or found themselves abandoned by those very companies that originally wanted them, for all kinds of reasons.
I've only ever signed one contract-girl agreement, and that was with Cherry Boxxx Pictures. The year was 2003, and I was optimistic because Cherry Boxxx were new at the time and I believed they were going to become a big-name company. I took a chance and came on board. The deal was sound when I accepted it, since it meant I was locked into a non-exclusive arrangement for six movies for a year.
The most notable (and, I believe, the best-selling) movie that emerged from this deal was Monica's Sex Crimes. Rick Davis, the director, knew I wanted creative input in every movie I did with them so he allowed me to pitch this idea: I'm a girlfriend of a mob boss who hands out rewards to his employees who have done a good job. I either hook them up with a hot chick or have sex with them myself as payment for their good work. I did three hot scenes: one with Cheyne Collins, one with a sexy Latino named Sergio and one with a sexy brunette from Scarborough, New York, named Venus. (She was my own reward for doing such a good job for the boss's hitmen!) We shot for 12 hours and I was doing dialogue in every scene, plus doing my own hair and make-up. I even posed for the box-cover that day. I was seriously ill with the worst cold ever on the day of the shoot but I still showed up to work because I didn't want to cost them money by cancelling. The funny thing is that when I watched the movie, I didn't even look sick. It was one of Cherry Boxxx's biggest sellers, and I was almost nominated for an AVN award – I got a pre-nomination for Best Sex Scene.
However, there were a couple of hitches in my time as a contract girl. One of them had nothing to do with the shoots, and it was really a fucked-up situation. While I was at the AVN convention, signing autographs for Cherry Boxxx, the company publicist kept pulling me aside to do interviews to promote the company, so half my days were spent signing autographs for my fans and the other half were spent doing these interviews. Fine, I thought, I can juggle my schedule to accommodate this schizoid plan, so I agreed to it.
But a sales lady who worked there, who just hated me, told the boss that I was hardly ever at the signing booth. When I got back to LA and was paid, I discovered that they'd docked US$500 from my cheque – because, they told me, I 'wasn't there the whole time'. I explained I was doing interviews for their company, but apparently that didn't count for anything.
I was left to conclude that being devoted to a company, helping them to make money, was not a good way to do business. At the time, I was thinking I could do with some extra publicity, but what good is publicity when you're not benefiting financially from it? (A lesson learned, and a warning to all you new girls!)
It's no coincidence, by the way, that in this business many girls get their contracts while dating certain directors or owners of companies. I put my hand up to dating the owner of Cherry Boxxx, but only after I had obtained my contract and had already shot two films. When people ask me what the heck happened with my Cherry Boxxx contract, I tell them, 'My contract was up, and I moved on.'
I could be bitter about all this now, but I really have no animosity to either Cherry Boxxx or to the boss. The years have passed and I've got on with my career. I have worked for Rick Davis again a couple of times since I left my Cherry Boxxx contract, and in 2008 I shot my movie Rockstar Pornstar for the Cherry Boxxx owner's new company, Sex Line Sinema. It's all part of being pro fessional about it, and I try not to bear grudges – especially if they impede my mission to get more work!
Was it a bad idea to date the owner of the company I was signed to? Well, at least one good thing came from it, and that was while I was with him he made sure I did only girl–girl scenes. (Hmm, why are guys who date porn stars always so jealous that they want us to work only with girls and not other men? Having sex with another guy for work is just too real for them, I guess.) This had a fortunate unforeseen consequence – when the HIV scare of 2004 broke and several girls were infected, I was spared, since I hadn't had sex with men for work. Boy, was I lucky!
Not everybody likes to admit it, but the porn industry is about taking the money and running these days, for all involved. The fun has gone and the work itself is like clockwork now. There's definitely a mechanical aspect to it: like doing any job, you have a routine and a method. Once you're on a roll, once you know you're good and it's working, you just go in and do the same thing each time. When you've done it that many times, you just want to be professional, get it done and get through the shoot as quickly as possible. Why waste time waiting for the photographer to tell you what to do when you already know?
I think I have definitely learned all I needed to learn out of porn. I've seen everything and I've done everything that I've wanted to do. I don't need to do anything more. I think the industry has helped me, too, because I didn't have much self-esteem going into it and now I do feel more confident about a lot of things. I am still not a hundred per cent secure in myself, but I am a lot better than I used to be.
I was so innocent when I started out, but once you've done it a lot it becomes part of your everyday life, so it's nothin
g to me now and I don't think twice about shooting a scene. That's what people mean when they tell me 'You're a legend', even though I never came into this industry wanting to be a legend. I just came here thinking I was going to make some money and leave. Next thing you know, it's really hard to quit.
As I've said, I didn't really know anything about porn before entering the business, so I didn't realise I was entering the industry at the end of an era, when the gonzo craze was about to hit. I think I only noticed this when the work for features slowed down and many directors started telling me they thought I was 'too good for gonzo'. They were reluctant to hire me or even ask me if I wanted to shoot, because they thought my rates were sky-high or that I would turn them down. (I mean, is it my fault that I can actually do dialogue?)
All I had really done was feature films, and I thought maybe gonzo was just really nasty stuff so I didn't need it anyway, when it turns out that it's more just constant hardcore action (with no soft core for the TV market), no, or next to no, storyline and, of course, no script.
Perhaps as a consequence, and also because it's cheaper, the directors in porn these days are seldom interested in your acting skills – a couple of takes is usually good enough, and you're not really given enough time to get into character properly, especially with no real rehearsals and oft en no real direction. I really miss the days when I had to learn my script and shoot dialogue scenes or action/stunt scenes. I didn't care how many 14-hour days it took. I was so happy just to be acting in any way, shape or form, because that's what I really love to do. It kills me to not be doing that as much now, with the industry going through its severe downturn.
Another thing I have had to learn to accept as a porn star is the sheer inevitable time-crunch of my publicity obligations. Sometimes, I don't really want to spend my whole day doing something that's purely a promotional exercise but I know that in the long run it will be good for me. Getting my name out there is what the game is about, if you want to be a professional.
Absolute Mayhem Page 9
