I think that, for a lot of us girls, these sexual acts make us feel worthy of something, in that our audience are getting off on watching us have sex on camera, or even that the guys we are fucking are getting off on fucking us. And it's the knowledge that, somewhere out there, someone is looking at us and admiring us for how beautiful we appear to them and wishing they could have us. It makes us feel wanted for a change, because most of us, in our lives, have never felt wanted or admired or adored. And I, most certainly, have never really felt loved.
I still have issues relating to insecurity, self-esteem and trust, all of which goes back to my messed-up childhood. My enforced freedom at age 14 is very much related to the way I've been drawn into a crazy vortex that has defined my life to date. The freedom to live as I please without catering to an abusive authority figure is very much linked to the freedom to be a sexually expressive person. I began thinking about this because, when you become a famous person, there is such a high price you have to pay, despite the many rewards that come with public recognition, and it's even more so when you're a celebrity in the world of adult entertainment.
Being a porn star is the absolute furthest anyone can go if you're wanting to be famous, that's for sure. How could anyone challenge that? I'm always naked for everyone to see. I do things for a living that most people would consider extreme or outrageous. And it's easy when you get used to it, believe it or not. People expect you to be wild and crazy, which offers a built-in kind of freedom. It's like you're being given permission to enact your private wishes and secret fantasies, for the enjoyment of people who all wish they could do the same but can't. It also helps people like me who spent years being relatively shy and straight-laced. When I got paid to take off my clothes, it was like something in me was finally set free.
Maybe porn is just an easy way for us to obtain those feelings, even if we have to obtain them from strangers, or even if it doesn't mean anything. That's why I appreciate the fan mail I get, and I personally reply to as much of it as I can. As long as it's not stalker mail or hate mail, I'll generally always take the time to sit down and read and reply. For us girls in porn, to even get so much as an email saying how appreciated we are always puts a smile on our faces.
And I do think about how the audience sees me, believe it or not, even if I'm mostly performing for a camera and never see the finished product for months (if ever). This is mostly because I'm out dancing at the clubs too, and I get to size up the crowd. In April 2008, I did a particularly memorable dance gig at a club in Lancaster, California, out by the Mojave Desert. It was actually a bikini bar but nobody told me, so I didn't know there were restrictions on nudity. I promptly took off my top in the first show and the crowd went apeshit.
The management, predictably, were freaking out and worrying they'd get busted by the cops. See, the cops just love to 'randomly' show up at these places, especially when a porn star is in the house (just to make sure we're not doing anything we shouldn't be doing – and, of course, they get to watch a hot performance at the same time!). But nothing happened in the end, except the Pavlovian reaction of the audience. There was definitely a sudden change in their mood, because they were not expecting to see my titties at all. And when I showed them, they all moved closer and started throwing more money and screaming really loud.
In the clubs where I've danced fully nude, I've noticed that the crowd tends to get closer to you and throw down more money because they want to see you up close and personal, fully naked. That's how most guys want to see a porn star, after all. Especially if the girl they've only desired from afar is suddenly right in front of them. When they don't get to see everything, they are somewhat disappointed – I can tell.
So how do we respond to this? By making ourselves look the best we can. We may not want to fuck them in person, but we're going to work at looking totally fuckable. That's the whole idea!
On the most basic level, you invest in your body as much as possible. Tanning, for instance, is a major work issue for porn stars. Back in Manly, I had a natural tan from being on the beach every morning (I have an olive complexion and don't burn easily). This was great for when I went clubbing in skimpy clothes, because it made my body look good. Everywhere else, though, I've used tanning beds a lot. When I see myself in pictures with no tan, I think, 'God, I look sick!' But my dad told me recently that I should stop tanning and, as much as I hate to say it, he's right. I have a history of skin cancer in my family and I should watch it. Some of the girls in the industry really overdo it. I'll look at some of them and I can't believe how dark they are for white girls. It makes them look dirty.
I'm not a huge fan of tan lines on myself, but I had to put up with them when I got my breasts done because I couldn't tan my nipples. It was through my nipples that the incisions for my enlargements were made, and I was told that if I subsequently tanned them it would cause deep scarring. My nipples were so sensitive afterwards and it was really bad. For the first two months, even putting a loose top over them would kill me. Their sensitivity is back to normal now, but I still don't like it when they are pinched or bitten. That kind of thing doesn't fucking feel good to everybody, you know? I don't mind my boobs being squeezed or slapped, just not my nipples. I would never do it to a chick, unless she asked me to. There are some guys, though, who like it done to them – they totally get hard when you suck on their nipples!
Aside from my breasts, I've had no other surgery except for porcelain veneers on my teeth. I just wanted a perfect smile. (No one even noticed. My dentist is amazing!) Nose jobs, those I can understand. I hate one side of my face when I'm being photographed, because of a deviated septum from too much cocaine, but I'm actually too scared to have that fixed. But some girls go way too far with their Michael Jackson nose jobs (no disrespect meant to the dead). I've seen lopsided boob jobs, too many facial implants and overly puffed-up lips, too much Botox and 50-kilogram girls getting liposuction. By now, I have seen everything that porn has done to the self-image of some girls.
Really, if you just exercise and eat right, and try not to do the cocaine diet, your body will look fine. That's what I tell myself, anyway.
If a new girl comes to me and says she wants boobs like mine, I tell her to make sure she's doing it because she feels inadequate without big boobs, not just for the sake of making it in the business or for what she thinks people want to see. You have to want bigger boobs because you don't feel quite right without them, and because you know it's going to help your self-esteem. The really important thing, however, is to make sure you pick the right surgeon and not just go to someone cheap. As I always say to the new girls, 'Get recommendations from girls with nice boob jobs and pay the price!'
One thing I did think about was a certain phenomenon that occurred not long after my arrival in Los Angeles, when there was a lot of interest in a new medical procedure called 'laser vaginal rejuvenation' in which women were going to these plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills to get their vaginas done. Some of them wanted 'porn-star vaginas' and were willing to pay thousands of dollars to get their nether regions enhanced. We were their role models!
In one sense, I don't think that's strange at all. If women are looking at our pussies on-screen and think that is normal and that is what guys want to see, then why should they not want to be like that? However, what they don't realise is that we are all completely different down there, and guys all have different tastes in how they like a pussy to look. So, really, there is no such thing as a porn-star vagina. Women in general are not bloody perfect, so I'm sorry, guys, but if you don't like how a particular vagina looks then you may be gay! You don't hear us talking about how guys should have surgery to look a certain way, do you? Some girls don't like it when a guy is not circumcised but, to me, as long as they keep it clean and can stay hard, who really cares?
Saying that, my pussy is the part of my body that makes me the most money, after all, and sometimes I do get a little self-conscious about it. It isn't one of those neat and petite
ones. After all those years of on-camera sex, I feel as if it's changed in appearance. My labia may not be tiny, but at least I'm still tight down there, even after all that sex. The only downside to that, as I've said, is that big cocks really hurt me. It hurts inside too, and that's why I try not to do too many scenes with hugely hung guys. I'm in pain for days afterwards, especially when I've been fucking for over an hour on some shoots. I get so sore, and that really ruins it for me if I have to shoot again in the next few days.
I do like to keep my pussy clean, and neat and tidy – not because I want to hang it in an art gallery or anything but because I know that some people will be looking at it and analysing it. Beneath a video clip of me for Babestv.com one time, one of the comments said that my pussy was so ugly. That really hurt me. I was devastated. I mean, how cruel, to write something like that! But then I thought that the guy who wrote it was probably so ugly himself that he had to put other people down to make himself feel better. And he had absolutely nothing better to do with his time, and he probably never got laid. And that made me feel a little better about it.
At any rate, when you're working in the adult-film industry, your breasts and other body parts become your lifeline. The sheer reality of this hits you in the face when you're paid that most coveted of compliments – when a company makes a deal with you to produce replicas and you have to get moulds done of your body parts (sometimes just your vaginal and anal regions) for your sex doll. Yep, you get to enjoy getting all that stuff splattered on you and then waiting for it to dry, so that your fans can purchase these products in order to fuck you by proxy. I've been moulded twice now, for my Monica Mayhem love dolls, and it was quite fun, actually.
I have had two sex-toy contracts in my career, first with Topco and then with Pipedream, and the latter were responsible for generating some much-needed buzz for me through their Monica Mayhem 'Saucy Aussie Collection' of sex toys. What I got paid from Pipedream was ten times more than what I got in five years from Topco.
The Pipedream deal was arranged by my manager, Harry Weiss. I'd first connected with Harry around 2005 and was referred to him by Billy Glide, whom I'd worked with many times. Harry got me some of the bigger movies such as Sacred Sin and shoots with Wicked Pictures. He's a big Jewish mensch with a good heart, and was very easy to work with. He actually cared about the performers, and he wouldn't get mad if you didn't want to do something. You could talk to him about anything. (As the years went by and more and more agencies were popping up, however, Harry left the business.)
At the time, thanks to Harry, all I had to do was sign on the dotted line. I thought it was a pretty cool idea to call it 'The Saucy Aussie Collection' and I was very honoured to have my own line of toys as a way of embracing the sexy Aussie in me.
When I got my mould done, it must have been a turn-on for the guy that got to do it, since he had his hands all over me. The guy had to do Sean Michaels, the famous black stud, at the same time. I had to help keep Sean hard with my hands while the guy was rubbing plaster all over Sean's cock. Poor Sean couldn't switch off the fact that some guy was rubbing his cock. Of course, I liked it much better than Sean, although the hardest part is where you have to sit still for a whole 20 minutes. It's actually quite a nice, tingly, cold feeling, a bit of a turn-on, and honestly I could have totally masturbated if I didn't have to let the plaster dry!
When my line of toys came out in summer 2007, I signed autographs for trade buyers at the Adult Novelty Expo, which is all about sex toys. I also went to Mexico to do promotional appearances for Pipedream, and it was a real kick. Whereas mainstream models have reached the pinnacle of their careers when they get offered a perfume contract, we porn stars have achieved the same when we get our toy contracts – your own signature line of vibrators, dildos and other stuff.
I got lots of fan mail about the Monica Mayhem love doll from customers who'd bought it and wanted to share their thoughts with me. Now, how about that? They were fantasising about fucking me through using my doll. Some of them told me they thought it wasn't well made because it broke. I wrote back and told them, 'Don't fuck it so hard! It's just a plastic doll!'
At that same toy-trade show, I hung out with other girls who had ranges with Pipedream. For instance, I spent a lot of time with Hannah Harper, just chatting when we weren't too busy. Hannah is English and comes from a small fishing town off the coast of Devon, and she'd entered the industry about a year before me. We were both promoting Pipedream's new product called Sex Water – different flavors of water filled with ingredients such as ginseng and guarana, meant to help enhance your stamina, prolong your pleasure, give you that nice post-orgasmic afterglow and all that kind of good stuff . It tastes a bit like vitamin water, and I guess it's fine if that helps some people. It sometimes takes an event like that to remind me that, yes, we are offering a service that does help people. We bring comfort to those who need sexual stimulation, particularly those with sexual dysfunctions. I see it as an act of compassion and empathy on our part.
The downside of being constantly appreciated sexually, though, is that I am permanently obsessed with my weight. If I see the slightest thing that I think is off , then I will obsess over it. In the past, I have taken diet pills or laxatives a few days before a shoot, because I've felt like I wasn't the perfect weight and the camera adds a few pounds. Most of my fans won't ever point it out, but I'll notice when I am a little overweight. I'm now competing with girls much younger than me and I think my body is much more in shape than most of theirs, because I eat right and I do yoga and exercise. When I was their age, in my early twenties, I could eat what I wanted and never exercise and it kind of sucks now that, after turning 30, I've really got to watch it.
It also doesn't help that, no matter how the porn magazines like to glamorise our industry and make us look as near-perfect as possible, the easy availability of drugs can become a personal problem. There's a very famous porn star who had to stop working at one point because the directors and cameramen and photographers were tired of figuring out how to shoot her so her needle-track marks wouldn't show. She was forced to clean up and eventually made a comeback.
Most of the time, drug use is all about needing to anaesthetise yourself from inner pain. I think that's exactly what I've been doing my whole life. I don't understand why I can't just be sober and be happy with myself. The days when I am sober, I'm so lost and so bored, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I'll try to find a million things to do, but I'm still left feeling lost. I don't ever seem to feel at peace.
It's even harder now, since I've resolved to not smoke weed any more, because that was the one thing that took my mind off everything. I could just escape from reality and be happy and laugh. Now, I find it hard to sleep because my mind is constantly racing about all my problems and about how I am going to fix this and that. My vocal chords love me for it – I gave up weed for music, so I could sing better – but I feel like I also gave up a piece of my soul. I am now finding new ways to achieve inner peace and appreciate everything that I have to be thankful for.
My deviated septum, though, remains a nagging problem. There was one year, 2006, when I was snorting cocaine pretty much every day. Did I have some kind of subliminal death wish? Perhaps. I had been on and off with cocaine since I got into the industry. Prior to that, I had only done it a few times, in Sydney, starting when I was 18, but it was definitely the 'rich man's drug' over there, as it was so expensive. In LA, it's cheap and very easily accessible, so it's very hard to not want to do it when it's around. That is where you really have to use your self-control. And in 2006, I guess I just didn't. I don't know why, exactly, but I know that I was very depressed, so the coke was most probably my way of escaping reality.
Being in the adult-film industry hasn't exactly been healthy for me in this regard. For some people in porn, drugs are accepted as the norm. Although I don't like to be high on set, it's very common for other girls to take drugs while they work. On one shoot that year, one of the o
ther girls whipped out a bag of cocaine and started doing lines between scenes. While I posed for photos, did a ten-minute girl–girl, a ten-minute solo and a tenminute hand-job, all for three MILF ('mother I'd like to fuck') movies, she was just busting out lines right in front of me! The director didn't know about this, mind you.
I know a lot of girls do speed – which I absolutely hate, especially due to all the friends I've lost to that shit – but I don't even like doing blow and shooting a sex scene. I guess a lot of people get horny doing it, but I never did – it kills my sex drive. Guys totally have it all wrong when they try to lure girls home with coke. They think they are going to get laid, but really the girls just want the drugs.
At some point, I finally realised that I really needed spiritual help. I had to find the path that could bring me comfort and peace – the kind that could erase the emptiness in my life that all the drugs never really filled. And so I began a new life journey and started to find myself again. I made a pact to myself to read up on spiritual healing way more intensively as my New Year's resolution for 2008. The rest of my life was waiting to begin.
Chapter Ten
A PERFECT
CIRCLE
Do porn stars need spiritual guidance? You bet we do. And more than most people, I would say, given the crazy things we have to deal with. Some of them would do anyone's head in, and sometimes I myself think it's a miracle I'm still sane. So many girls burn out just past their first year, and I could so easily have gone the same route too had it not been for one fateful day back when I was 22, when I chanced to walk into a spiritual bookshop in Woodland Hills called The Psychic Eye.
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