by Urban, Ami
I breathed out a sigh it felt like I’d been holding for a year. “I feel like you should be more upset.”
“How upset?”
I scrunched up my face.
Like you want to scream upset. Like you want to cry and throw things.
“I don’t know…” I gestured to the entire room. “Kick something? Scream? Cry?”
Or like you want to hurt someone. Maybe even kill someone…
“Well, I don’t like to express my grief physically. It all takes place inside. I suppose that’s just how I taught myself. If I could show you what’s happening inside my brain, I would.”
“Maybe you can explain it to me.” I offered the solution, prepared to be turned down. But to my surprise, she agreed.
“Certain hours are better than others. Certain days seem to pass quicker than others. A week ago in particular, I’d been internally fighting the image of cleaning up a bathtub of my own blood all day.”
I winced. I’d forgotten about that part. I didn’t want to see it. She protected me from it – sacrificed her own emotions so I wouldn’t suffer. Man, I was the asshole now.
Nope. She’s still a bitch.
Don’t make me come in there.
“I’ll occasionally have dreams about how the world used to be. Everything is normal again. We’re together and going to have a baby. I can feel it inside me. And then I wake up to an abnormal world and no baby.” The monotony of her tone used to drive me up the walls. Her robotic way of explaining the most gruesome situations was almost funny now. Almost.
“But…” She continued when I looked at her. “The nightmare ends, and I wake up with you. And in the end, I know we can make the world what we want it to be. We can make another baby. We have each other.”
My throat closed up. I wasn’t able to get any noise past my dry vocal cords. All I could do was gaze into her eyes and wonder how the fuck I could ever doubt her.
“Now…” When she trailed off, my stomach dropped. “Can I…” She paused, something she’d usually do before she started talking. “Can I apologize for neglecting your need for medication?”
‘Bout time, ya cunt.
You call her one more Goddamn name and I’ll—
What? Murder me again?
“I took an oath when I became a doctor and I…” Her throat contracted with a hard swallow. I noticed the striations of her trachea for the first time, so I studied them.
You’re starting to think like her now.
“I let you down as my patient and my spouse. And I let myself down as a medical specialist. And in so doing, I’ve let down every patient I’ve ever had.”
Wow. She’s amazing at guilt trips.
It’s not a guilt trip, moron. She took her job more seriously than anyone else I’ve ever known. Admitting she’d let down every single one of her patients was something I’d never thought she’d do.
She’s just fucking with you, so you forget the shit she did.
If you think for two fucking seconds I’m gonna put you over her, you’ve got another thing coming.
Why? She put that little ginger fucker ahead of you.
Lisa sniffed, tearing me out of my thoughts. There were no tears. She was holding them back as best she could. I knew her. These were genuine. Fuck whatever Silas said about her.
“Hey...” I gathered her up in my arms and squeezed her as if letting her go would end the world. “I know you’re doing everything you can to fix me. I’m not asking you to give me extra attention because I’m in pain. I just want to be your top priority on Tuesdays.” I pulled back and paused, my face scrunching into a ball. “Okay, I just heard that out loud and it sounds—”
“Agreed.” She answered before I even had a chance to finish. “I neglected your feelings today because they were different from mine and I apologize.”
I kissed her. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Let’s go home?”
“I thought you’d never say that.”
From the desk of Dr. Lisa Reynolds – May 12
The boy who picked up Lexi for her first date that evening seemed sweet and well put-together. He was a tall, pale boy with several freckles on his cheeks and light, thick hair. When he shook my hand, he smiled politely.
“Hi, ma’am. I’m Cyrus Quinn.”
He was tall enough to meet my gaze straight on. “Nice to meet you, I hear you’re a ward of the state?”
The boy nodded. “Yup. I used to think that gave me super powers or something. But then they just told me that meant I’m an orphan.” He’d said it lightly, as if it were a joke. He shifted to my husband who stood beside me with his arms folded over his chest. Jack looked him up and down.
“You wanna keep that arm?”
Cyrus’s hand fell. Much like his face.
“I’ve got a shotgun, a shovel and a big yard, Charlie.”
“Lisa!” Lexi’s voice was high and whiny as she stomped a foot behind Cyrus.
“Jack.” I looked up at him, but he was staring the poor boy down.
“Cyrus,” Jack said.
Cyrus exchanged glances between us all.
“Jack.” I put a hand on his arm.
“What?” He turned to look at me, brows raising upward.
I shook my head before turning back to the kids. “Check back in with us by eleven, please. Stay in well-lit areas. Don’t go looking for trouble.”
Lexi smiled sweetly. “You’re the best.”
“Whatever you do to her, I do to you,” Jack pointed at them respectively.
Lexi rolled her eyes before snatching Cyrus’s hand and saying, “I have no doubt about that.” A faint acknowledgment of appreciation from Cyrus followed her words. Once they were gone, I turned to Jack once more.
“She’ll be fine.”
“She’d better be.” His gaze was still fixed on the now closed door. “Or I’ll kill him.”
“Jack.” I squeezed his upper bicep lightly. He met my gaze and I smiled. “Cyrus is a good boy.”
He frowned. “As far as we know.”
“Jack.”
“Lisa.”
I sighed. “Jack. I want to help, but…” I paused, trying to hold in a chuckle at his territorial behavior. “I just don’t know what I can do.”
“I’m glad you find this so funny,” he said, his tone playful.
“I apologize.” I spread my arms out to my sides but maintained a smile. “I’ve never seen a man in Lexi’s life care for her so much. It’s beautiful, really.”
Jack’s arms fell to his sides. His features softened. “Yeah, but she hates me right now.”
“She doesn’t hate you. Besides, as long as you’re here to protect her, she’ll have no problem coming to you with more important issues.”
“Issues like what?”
I gestured at nothing in particular. “Issues like underage drinking or drug use. Possibly sex or—”
“She’s fourteen!” He turned his full body toward me. “She’d better not be coming to us about sex until she’s forty.”
I laughed. “I had plenty of fourteen-year-olds come into the ER with pregnancy scares while working in Southern California.”
Jack put his hands over his ears. “All aboard the nope train to fuck-that-ville.”
My smile remained. “Lexi’s a good girl, though. She knows to be safe.”
“So long, sleep. Hello, anxiety.”
Without even realizing it, I had placed a hand on his bicep and squeezed again, feeling the smoothness of his skin beneath mine. “Who said anything about us sleeping tonight?”
His face instantly changed. The expression went from awkward concern to plain thoughtful. “Kid’s asleep already?”
I nodded. “I put him to bed shortly after we arrived.”
A hum escaped my husband as he seemed to be looking through me. “Well, then…” His eyebrows shot up. “You seemed to have caught me at an awkward moment.”
Titling my head to the side, I asked, “You mean yo
u didn’t have a plan in place already?”
He looked me dead on. “I was a little busy trying not to kill Cyrus the Virus.”
Amusement bubbled its way into my chest. “Imaginative.”
“Oh, I know!” A smile danced on his lips as he raised his right hand in the air, index finger pointing at the ceiling. “How about a little place called Desert Rose?”
“Isn’t it occupied now? I’ve heard it’s filled with travelers.”
“It is. But I have the only keys for the most remote cabin.” He put his hand on the small of my back, leading me out of the large kitchen. “And I’ve stocked it full of everything we could need.”
May 12 – Jack Reynolds
“Are you sure you’re alright to walk?” Lisa’s questioning look sent a flutter through my belly. It felt like a mixture of butterflies and guilt. I’d taken a second dose early. And she didn’t even know. I glanced at her in the waning light of the evening.
“It’s only a mile and a half.”
She nodded, and we went back to our walk. The sun was low over the horizon, painting the sky in reds, pinks and oranges. The scattering of light sent long shadows into the grass, bending them into distorted shapes.
The wind fluttered around us, tossing the smell of charcoal and seared flesh into the air. A plume of white smoke curled up from behind Huntington House. I’d forgotten it was barbecue day.
“What a nauseating smell.” Lisa placed a hand on her belly, just under her ribcage. A sneer pulled at her upper lip.
“I love it,” I said, tossing her a smile. “But then again, I consider myself soul food.” Slipping an arm around her waist, I brought her closer. “You’re eye candy.”
“Life needs more beer and barbecue, right?” She looked up at me, her dark blue eyes sparkling with humor.
“Damn right.”
The sun sank lower over the bluffs to our right, splashing blues and purples across the canvas of the sky. A few pinpricks of light began to twinkle in the deep expanse above our heads. A gathering of trees so sparse it could barely have been called a forest stood out in front of us. Just beyond, the hidden Desert Rose cabin sat in silence.
Crickets began to buzz in the low brush like electricity. I stepped over a fallen log, turning to grasp my wife’s hand to help her do the same. The temperature dropped a few degrees, the wind rustled some branches.
Lisa stepped over the log, losing her footing as swatches of bark crumbled away. She fell into my arms, both hands gripping me. When she looked up into my face, hers was surprisingly pale.
“You okay?” I asked, brushing a lock of dark hair off her cheek. She nodded just as a rustling of leaves snatched my attention away from her. I pulled her tighter into me when a twig snapped to our right. All I had on me was a serrated hunting knife. I’d been leaving my shotgun at home. A lot.
One hand reached into my pocket, closing around the cold, hard handle of my knife. More rustling caught my attention. The small, black snout of a doe poked out from behind a tree. Her dark, glittering eyes met mine. When I laughed, she jumped, then leapt away into the dusk. I looked back at my wife. In the purplish light of the evening, I could’ve sworn her eyes were glistening.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Babe?” Concern rose into my voice.
She took a moment to respond. “Yes.” Her voice was steady and strong. “You’re always saving my life.”
I felt my brows knit together. “It was only a deer, doe, dear. Uh…Foxtrot.”
Her face scrunched up – no doubt trying to figure out what the fuck I was saying. It took me a few too many seconds to write it out.
Her gaze remained fixated on mine. The shadows of her face deepened as the sun finally sank behind the bluffs. Crickets sang louder. A breeze fluttered through the trees.
And my wife kissed me. She kissed me with passion I’d almost forgotten. It was like getting a tattoo. You love sitting in that chair but hate the pain. It’s all about the finished product. And every time you go back, you forget that pain. You forget it until the needle touches your skin. Then it all comes blasting back into your brain.
That’s how Lisa’s kisses were. The finished product was always worth it. No matter how long it took. I’d forget the passion in the way she kissed me. And it would all come flooding back into my brain, my heart and my groin. Every time.
And I know what you’re thinking. I only have one tattoo. Well, you caught me there. But Silas had ten.
Twelve, motherfucker.
We pulled away from each other long enough for me to grasp her wrist and drag her the rest of the way to the cabin. Hidden between a set of scraggly trees, the small building was bathed in shadows. The moon had risen, casting a sickly pale glow around us. I fished in my pocket for the key. When I’d found it, it took everything in me to get the door open instead of just spinning around and taking my wife right in the forest.
We tumbled into the cabin as if we’d been poured out of a soda bottle. Nothing could’ve stopped us in that moment. We were just a dogpile of passion and discarded clothes. The door slammed shut behind us, garnering none of our attention. As I tried to get out of my shoes, I tripped over the upended rug, tumbling backward with Lisa still in my arms.
I landed on my back, the wind pushing out of me in a low grunt. A tiny squeal made it out of Lisa as she landed on top of me, thrusting the remaining air out of my lungs.
“Oh, my God. Are you okay?” Her words came in short bursts between giggles.
“Of all things I could suck at…” I struggled to pull in air after each word. “I suck at breathing.”
Lisa sat up, straddling me while placing both hands on my stomach. “Stretch your back and breathe in from your diaphragm. It’s just spasms.”
I did as instructed, watching her hint of a smile as her chest rose and fell with impassioned breaths. Once I was able to pull in air again, I snaked my arms around her waist and brought her down to me. I could feel the soft lace of her lingerie as it skated my bare chest. A giggle stopped in her throat as I kissed her again, fumbling with the hook at the back of her bra.
“I am so sorry I’ve been an asshole lately,” I whispered.
She didn’t answer. Instead, she sat up, bearing herself to me. A flutter inched its way from my gut all the way down to my balls. It was a nice reminder of being alive. Of having working anatomy.
We didn’t even make it to the bed. In half a second, she had rid herself of the last of her underwear. But instead of going straight for the kill, she began to grind her hips against mine.
Fun little jolts of electricity fired up through my dick as she kept going. Her breaths became short and ragged – a sure sign she was coming close to climax. A warm feeling bloomed in my chest. Man, was she an impressive human being. She never failed to make me proud to call her my wife.
Her body jerked as she called out my name. Her skin had become slick with sweat, glistening in the half moonlight filtering into the cabin. Shadows fell over her curves and edges, creating a Picasso-like image in my mind. And yet, she was even more beautiful than ever before.
Her hips seemed to buck involuntarily, allowing me to slide inside her without a second’s hesitation. The two of us let out a sigh of ecstasy at the same time.
“Jinks,” I said in a breathy whisper. “Buy me a Coke.”
A smile lit up her face, but she said nothing. She was caught up in the sheer passion of the evening. A familiar tingle of anticipation wound its way around my entire body. Lisa began to alternate between fast and slow rhythms, picking out which worked best for both of us. Me? I had no preference. Everything she was doing was dynamite.
As I felt the tug of an incoming release, I dug my fingers into her hips. The action seemed to spur her on as her moans increased in volume. I was ready to give her everything I possibly had. And she as well. With a final burst of energy, we came together as one. And it took a good thirty seconds to come down from that high after she’d crumpled on top of me.
“Every sing
le time.” I hadn’t realized I’d muttered the words out loud.
“I’m sorry?” Pulling in a deep breath, Lisa sat up once more, gazing into my soul.
“You impress the fuck out of me every single time,” I said, tucking a rogue strand of hair behind her ear.
“I think you need to lower your standards.” Another smile lit up her face.
Me, too.
“Hey, now. I’ll have you know I set low personal standards every day. And every day, I consistently fail to achieve them.”
She laughed, the gesture raising a blush in her otherwise pale cheeks. My heart fluttered inside my chest. What an unrealistically beautiful human she was. Every piece of her. I loved her so much it hurt.
“I love you as much as Kanye loves Kanye,” I said without thinking.
Puke.
She tilted her head to one side. “That could be misconstrued as unhealthy.”
***
“Four.” Lisa stared into my eyes with what looked like unwavering certainty. Oh, shit. Was she going to beat me at my own game?
“Go fish,” I said, keeping my voice flat.
She drew another card from the pile. Something fluttered before her eyes. Then, pushing her bottle of half-drunk beer across the table, she said, “No more drinking for m—.” But she stopped short when she set her gaze upon the card she’d drawn from the pile.
“What’s up?”
She flipped the card around to face me. “One of these things is not like the others.”
A puff of air escaped me as I studied the old maid card in her hand. “I think it’s trying to tell you something.”
“It’d better not be.” She tossed the card over her shoulder and went for another.
“Eight.” I looked at her above my hand.
“Nope.”
I let out a heavy sigh, reached for a new card, then added it to the six others in my hand already. I tried to control the subtle twitch of my eyebrow.
“Ace.”
“Go fish.” Fuck this game. It was my turn again. “Eight.”
