by Sally Henson
His eyes are dancing, trying to speak to me. “Let me finish before you say anything, okay?” He nods in agreement. “Condition two.” He smiles and rests his clasped hands on top the table. “You dated that one girl for a little while when I was in eighth grade, but I never saw you two together, and you didn't talk about her much. As far as I know, you haven't dated anyone else. And I've been too self-absorbed to consider why you haven’t dated anyone else.” He keeps a crooked grin on his lips.
“I—”
I raise my hand to stop him from interrupting.
Lane isn’t having it. He leans forward, his expression serious. “Let me say this one thing, Regan.”
I tilt my head and relent. “Okay.”
“We always had fun, and it was easy to be together. I think I denied it because we were such close friends. And I just want you to know I haven't been interested in anyone other than you for a long time.”
His words melt my insides like butter. I smile and sigh to myself. “Well, if you ever went out with Tobi, that would be so wrong in every way.” He chuckles as I continue. “If you dated Stacey, I'd be so furious and might have to kill you.” He presses his lips together and shakes his head with a shudder of silent laughter. “If you find someone while you’re away at school….” My throat tightens. “Well, I don't think I'd like it … she would never be good enough for you.” I look out through the trees. “I don't want to give up my time with you to some bimbo.” When I look back to him, his eyes are so intense it almost takes my breath away. He's going to have women, real women, not some self-absorbed, childish teenage girl,, vying for his attention when he starts college. The thought of it makes me want to crawl into a hole, shrivel up, and die. I shake those thoughts from my head and move on.
A thrill shoots through my body as I bring up the last talking point. “Condition three …” I’m a little aflutter. It's embarrassing enough to think about the sensations, the touch of his lips, but talking to Lane about them is way out of my comfort zone. A warmth washes over me. How am I going to talk to him about this? Truth. Honesty. Comfort. “That was my first kiss. Did you know that?”
He looks down at the table, up to my mouth, and then to my eyes again with a shy half grin.
Dang—he is nice to look at. “Have you kissed anyone before? Was that your first kiss?”
He tilts his head left then right, and shrugs.
I narrow my brows. “What does that mean?”
“Well, I kissed you before, when we were kids.” I roll my eyes. “And I did kiss 'that one girl,' Johanna, once before she moved.”
An involuntary sneer lifts my upper lip when I hear her name.
He leans in and speaks in that soft low voice I'm starting to adore. “But I've never kissed anyone like I kissed you. So, do you call that a first kiss?” He tilts his head and raises brows as he waits for my answer.
I blink away the trance he’s put me under. “We'll go with no. So, the result—the response is …” Pausing—breathing—pushing my fingertips against my forehead. Don't be a coward, look at him. “You want me to be honest?” His eyes round a little, like an adorable baby deer.
The muscles in his throat ripple as he swallows. He nods once.
My arms feel so heavy. “Without going into detail, it made me feel —” I involuntary close my eyes, replaying his mouth on mine. Just the memory of the kiss knocks the breath out of me. I open my eyes to his gaze. “It was amazing and scary at the same time.”
Lane's posture softens, along with his eyes. “Can I speak now?”
I hold my index finger up. “I'm not quite finished. Condition one and two—I can live with those. They would be a continuation of who we are, I think, of what our friendship already is. Even though I have denied it, as long as we don't progress with it, I can handle that. Condition three is what I've been trying to stay away from. Getting physical … it's a slippery slope that leads to a place I'm not ready to go yet. Kissing, then petting, then it spirals out of control in the moment to sex. Susanna told me everything, Lane. She explained how she messed up, how it's a snowball effect.” I shake my head.
“This is what scares me. I want to save myself for my husband. To give him a special gift, you know. I want it to be amazing. And, there's scientific proof of a strong bond between a husband and wife when they stay pure until they marry. Not to mention God's promise.” A mixture of pure elation and oppressive darkness swirls inside me. “I don't want to be married at eighteen either. A marine scientist isn't married at eighteen. There's no way I can get my degree with a baby or being tied to a husband. I'll never be able to get out of this god-forsaken town and start a career if I succumb to the way your kiss made me feel.” Fear courses through me at the thought of losing everything.
Lane reaches across the table to touch my arm. His brows drawn together. “Whoa.” His voice soft and gentle. “We don't have to go down that slope. We're on flat ground here, Regan. No hills. No slopes.”
“I don't think we understand how easy it is to lose control when our bodies are reacting in that way.”
“You reacted that strongly? I couldn't tell.” He bites his lower lip in an attempt to hide his gratification. But I can see it in his eyes.
Maybe it was just me. “You didn't like it?”
“Oh, I liked it. Very much,” he whispers, with that kiss me expression I'm learning to recognize.
“Being physical is a good way to get ourselves in trouble. I don't want to lose my way, Lane. And, I don't want to lose my best friend, either.”
He throws his head back. “Regan,” he sighs and looks back to me. “You're freaking out for no reason.” He takes a deep breath and slowly runs his fingers through his hair and then blows out a rush of breath through his lips. I don’t want him to be mad at me, but I can’t let go of this fear either. He pulls the corner of his mouth up in a crooked smile. “I'm not asking you to marry me or to have sex with me.”
“I know.” My chest caves in. “I know you're not.” I shake my head. “We're impossible.”
“May I?” Lane reaches over, asking permission to hold my hands. I'm a little skeptical but give him the go-ahead. “We're not impossible. You know I'm totally with you on waiting until marriage. We don't need to rush into anything. I mean, you're sixteen and I'm eighteen. And a kiss is not sex.”
I roll my eyes. “I know a kiss is not sex.” I take another deep breath, staring at our hands. “I mean … I know that. But since that was my first kiss ….” I throw my head back and look up to the heavens. I don't even know what I'm saying. “It was more than I ever expected. I thought it would be gross kissing you.”
Lane twists his mouth and lifts his brows. “Gee, thanks.”
“Because you're my best friend. You know what I mean.” I roll my eyes and look away. I pull my hands away and fold my arms on the table so I can lay my head on them. I want to share everything with him so he understands, but it's so hard to express myself. I look up at him. “I'm really nervous about this.”
“Well …” He dips his head a bit, takes my hands again, and brings me in with his eyes. “I'm relieved you liked it as much as I did.” He shares a small meaningful smile. I try to blink the memory away so I can focus on our conversation. “So, you can continue with knowing and accepting there’s something more between us? You're all right with us stealing gazes, shoulder rubs, hugs, checking each other out?”
“No. There should not be something more between us. We shouldn't really be checking each other out either. I mean, it leads to other things. Don't you think?”
He huffs. “Okay, we'll be more aware, and you can try not to do that so much. We're agreed we won't date or see anyone else?”
My shoulders drop. “Lane. You're not listening to me.”
“Yes, I am. You said stealing gazes, neck rubs, playing with your hair is okay—a continuation of our friendship.”
I do want kissing and gazing and neck rubs. But I can't go there. Is it possible to stab your own self in the bac
k? My head and my heart battle for control. I have to be disciplined. “No kissing. No being boyfriend-girlfriend or anything that goes with that. Just friends.”
“So, we’ll see only each other, but won't be dating each other.” He raises his eyebrows and squints a bit, weighing my terms. “My kiss was amazing, but feeling that way scared you?” he asks for confirmation, satisfaction all over his face.
I sigh. “Yes, Lane. You said everything can stay the same. Do you mean that?” My voice is getting a little loud. I need to hone it in a bit, but I also need to know. My lips stretch into a thin line. “It won't be enough, will it? You'll continue to push the boundaries.” My heart and brain continue to battle. Lane holds my hands tight when I try to pull them loose.
“Don't.” He leans in further. “Don't start playing out all those scenarios your brain comes up with. They're not real.” His eyes are pleading as he squeezes my hands. “What we have is enough. It's more than we realized. I just want you to admit we have something more, something special. You're important to me, Regan.” His voice is soft but strained.
I can't seem to look away from his eyes. “You're important to me, too, but—” He cuts me off.
“It's enough. You are enough. We are enough.” I scour his face for a sign of remorse or doubt. “Best friends, no matter what, remember?” He coaxes me with his smile and bottomless, crystalline eyes to answer him.
My shoulders fall into place, and I sigh with slight relief. “No matter what,” I murmur, though the doubt of him willing to stay as we are lingers in the back of my mind.
We sit in comfortable silence for a few moments. Lane stands. “Come on; let’s walk down to the water.” He waits for me, with his hands stuffed in his pockets.
The lake stretches out amongst the curving banks, peppered with oaks, maples, and pines. The grounds are kept tidy, and the landscape is picturesque. Serenity is interrupted with reality, though. “What time is it? I have to get Mom's car back to her.”
Lane pulls his phone out of his back pocket. “Twelve forty.”
I turn motioning to the vehicles with my head. “Aren't you late for work?”
“No.” Lane follows my lead and explains the store is cutting back. He lost his job.
Near our vehicles, he asks, “How are you getting to open gym? Will your mom be back?”
“I'm going to have her drop me off at Tobi's on her way into town. I haven't been there all week, and Tobi's starting to ask questions.”
“I'll take you to Tobi's.”
I scrunch up my nose. We reach my Jeep, and I unlock the door.
“We should spend as much time together as we can. I'll be gone in a couple weeks.” His words are reminiscent of Susanna's experience. He leans his hand against the door standing behind me. “Look, I know there's a little awkwardness between us right now. But it’ll fade away, if we let it.” He pauses. His breath blows through my hair. “Unless you don't want to spend time together anymore.” Dropping his hand, he leans against the door and slides in front of me, crossing his arms, “I thought we were on the same page here?”
I look away and shuffle my weight to one leg. “We are.”
He tilts his head, so I'll look him in the eye. “Then what's going on? Why don't you want me to take you to Tobi's?” I shrug my shoulders and keep my head turned. “Have you told Tobi about Sunday?”
“No.”
“Anyone else?”
I look down at my feet. “No.”
“I haven't, either.” He lifts my chin. “So, no one knows. But they'll know something's up if we don't spend time together like we should.”
My shoulders fall. He's right. “Come over around two. I should probably be at her place somewhere around two-thirty.”
He squeezes my shoulders and grins. “All right, then.” His eyes and smile are bright as he moves me to the side and motors to his truck. I open my door and wave as I get in.
My head bounces back against the headrest when I get in. My body is a mangled, twisted pile of exhausted muscles. One minute I'm on edge, the next I feel like a limp noodle. Maybe he'll forget about this idea of us being more than friends. The workload for college is much more than we're used to in high school. At least that's what I’ve heard. A hollow feeling swirls inside my gut as I watch him drive away. I really am going to miss him.
9
Morning practice is the usual—running and drills. The good news is there's no open gym tonight. Woo-hoo! We had already planned for me to come over after morning practice and hang out until open gym anyway, so we're thrilled we don't have to go back in today. Tobi and I walk across the school parking lot together and slide in her blacked-out Camry SE.
Tobi's an only child and her parents can afford to buy her a new vehicle, but her dad's adamant she “earn her keep”. He wants her to learn the value of a dollar and demands she earns that dollar, too and not to expect it to be handed to her because she breathes. She's worked for her dad a long time, age ten or even earlier, learning how to handle cattle and how to operate the business. A Toyota Camry sounds lame, but it's really boss with midnight black exterior, tinted windows, XXR black wheels, and a black-out sport grill. The inside is just as sweet and sports charcoal-colored leather heated seats, AM/FM stereo with CD, mp3, iPod, hands-free phone, and one of my favorite features—a moonroof. She's proud of her Camry and keeps it spotless.
I sink into her leather seat. Practice has been rough as Hades for me this week, and it feels nice to sit down. She does the same. We both blow out a breath of relief at the same time. I'm glad this week of volleyball is over.
Tobi cranks the engine. “Let's get out of here before coach changes her mind.” I nod and lean my seat back to look out her moon roof at the blue sky and puffy clouds. The memory of when I woke next to Lane by the creek pops into my mind. I let it play out.
Tobi interrupts my daydream. “What are you smiling about?”
“Hmm?” I blink away my reverie and clear my throat. “Oh, uh, nothing. What’re you thinking of?”
She lowers her chin and pulls one corner of her mouth up. “A brilliant plan.”
I giggle as she lays out the new agenda for the gang to all meet and help her check fence. She's the Tom Sawyer of fence-checking. I use her phone to text everyone. Lane's helping some neighbor bale hay until noon today. I slouch into the seat some more and try to mask my face from Tobi. We're almost to her house.
How is it going to work if Lane shows up? It's only been a couple days. No one knows he kissed me, or that I liked it. I want to keep it that way, but it's already different between us. I shut my eyes for a moment and feel my heart spiral to the pit of my stomach. Think about something else, Regan. Lane’s still my best friend. That's it. I shove it out of my mind and think about how much fun we're going to have driving around all day.
Lane arrives soon after we get to Tobi’s. He must’ve driven a hundred miles an hour to get here. I’m chewing the last bite of my granola bar when he walks into the kitchen. He smiles his brilliant smile, framed by his dimples. My chest hums with my hearts reaction, but I try to squash it down so that neither he nor Tobi notices. I dart my eyes all around the room during our conversations. I look everywhere but at him, but he seems to have no problem staring at me. I can feel his warm gaze against my skin. I hope Lane and I can work out the awkwardness between us before Cameron shows up. Cameron picks up on those types of vibes. I don’t know how, but he does.
When Cameron and Haylee finally show up, Tobi gives us our instructions. All we need to do is ride along the fence and make sure the wire is connected to the insulators, the insulators are securely fastened to the post, and nothing else is touching the wire. Tobi uses a machete to cut the weeds down. If they touch the wire, it weakens and sometimes breaks the electric current going to the wire. Occasionally there's a sapling or something too big for the machete, so she chops those down with a hatchet. No wonder she's so tough.
It only takes us a couple of hours to check fence, and then we’re
free to drive around the countryside in ATVs and goof off. Cameron brought his out. It has bucket seats and room for two people. Tobi's has a bench seat we can squeeze two girls and a guy or three girls on. We have a lot of Bridlow fire drills. Stop, slide through one side, run in a figure eight around both ATVs, and jump back in a different seat. Cameron won't let anyone drive, but him, though.
An hour into our ride, and we find ourselves at the river bottoms. The sun is bright and it's hot out. Tobi leads us to a spot that has a sandy beach along the slow-moving water. We pull our shoes off and dig our toes in the sand. The guys tear off their T-shirts and jump in. I catch myself staring at Lane's half-naked body and drop my eyes to the sandy soil around my feet. I mash my lips together. I hate this. I hate knowing that I watch him like that. I lie back on the ground with the crook of my arm covering my eyes and bask in the sun.
Tobi bolts for the water, yelling for Haylee and me to get in. Haylee grabs my arm and pulls me up to get in. We're soaked from head to toe. I throw my cap on the bank and pull the rubber-band out of my hair and shake it out. I catch a glimpse of Lane watching me. It makes my heart skip a beat, but I try to ignore him. The tight pull of the rubber band is starting to give me a headache. Tobi and Haylee do the same. I dip back into the water, and let it flow through my hair to cool me down. It doesn't take long for the guys to start splashing us. They claim victory, but I call it a tie.
We all lay on the bank in the sun to dry our clothes before we head back to Tobi's. It felt like we were little kids playing, today. I chuckle to myself. I miss this fun stuff. No worries, just enjoying the moment. Lane’s beside me. I try not to look at his shirtless form as I lie there and listen to the conversations going on around me. I laugh and throw in my verbal jabs at Cameron's crazy stories.
