“I should have seen the signs. The highs and lows. I know what to look for now. But it won’t bring you back, and I miss you so damn much. So damn fucking much that it hurts in here.” I touch my chest and cry some more. I try to find a cleansing breath through my sorrow because being here, pouring my soul, saying goodbye, it’s too damn much. “I need to tell you something. Maybe that’s the real reason I came home, the real reason I’m finally here. I need you to listen and understand. Most of all, I need you to not hate me when I say these next words.” I look up to the sky, the clouds moving swiftly by. Time passes whether we like it or not, and soon, I will be responsible for a whole other life. “I fell in love, Parker. I didn’t mean to—it just happened. I want to say I’m sorry but I’m not, because this guy? He makes me feel alive, cherished. He’s a good friend, the dependable kind. He has issues too,” I scoff. “I mean, who doesn’t? Right? I understood his pain. I wanted to support him, and maybe hope that one day he would love me too.” I swipe tears away from my eyes. I feel like such a fool when it comes to Oli.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out of nowhere, then fall into a burst of laughter. I sound maniacal. “It’s crazy. Right? Yet it feels so right. Something in me feels at peace with this baby growing inside me, and even though you and me made plans long ago. Knowing it’s Oli’s feels right, even if he can’t settle down.” I pause. “The father of my baby has a problem keeping his dick in his pants. I’m guessing you would have wanted someone better for me . . .” Words fail me as another eruption of tears wracks through my body.
“I just don’t get it, Parker. Why does everyone leave me? Why can’t they find a way to stay and love me? Am I that hard to love?” My question pierces through my heart, but it’s at the root of all my insecurities.
A little while later, I look up to the sky again and notice it is no longer grey. The sun shines down, warming my face. My tears dry, and it feels like an embrace from heaven—like Parker is making me feel warm and wanted.
I stand. I place a hand on his tombstone. “Thank you for every good memory of my childhood. Thank you for being my friend, my love. Thank you for watching over me from up there.” I tilt my chin up to Heaven. “Maybe you can put in a good word for me, because I’m going to need a lot of strength to be a single mom. I want to be a good mom,” I say, and the sun pulsates above me, making me feel like Parker is here. That in a way, he’s answering me. “I’m sorry it took me this long to come. I always held you in my heart.” I shake my head to fight more tears from falling, but instead of crying this time, I smile. “You’ll just have to settle for the job of being my guardian angel. And I’ll have to settle for the fact that I’m raising this baby on my own.” I pat my stomach.
“I’m glad I came. We needed this. We should talk more often. I mean, I’m assuming you can hear me.” I giggle as if he can. “I think you can.” I look up to the sun and close my eyes slightly from the burning brightness. “Yeah, you can,” I confirm.
A weight lifts off my chest. A warmth I haven’t felt in a long time radiates through my body, a new strength. I feel invigorated. I’m a little nervous about going home to tell my daddy that I’m pregnant. I hope he won’t shut me out. I’m hoping he’s the man I think he is, and that he’ll support me.
“I love you, Parker Hayes. You rest in peace, and I’ll be seeing you in another life.” I bite hard on my lower lip to stop more tears because it’s eerie, but I feel Parker’s presence, and he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know when he took his own life he felt like he had no other choice.
I kiss his stone then turn back to walk through the grass when I see a tall, broad hockey player with the warmest honey-colored eyes staring back at me. His eyes are glistening with tears, and I don’t need to ask him how much of my conversation with Parker he heard or how long he’s been standing there, because the look in his eyes says it all. Oli heard every word.
Thirty-Four
Oli
My teammate Dave asked me to drive his sister Kierran to Sloane’s party. She lives close to my condo and she recently broke up with her boyfriend. Kierran and I have a past, but it’s always been very casual between us.
When Dave asked me to give her a ride to Flynn’s house, since he was coming home from a trip with his wife, Kelsey, and they were coming straight from the airport, I didn’t give it a second thought. I gave her a ride since I felt like I was doing my friend and teammate a favor. I knew Kierran was fresh off a break-up and may be needy, but I also knew it wasn’t Kierran I wanted. In my mind, it all made sense.
Until I walked out of the kitchen at Flynn’s house after Kierran pretty much threw herself at me. I did up my fly on the way out the back door of the kitchen just as Flynn was coming inside. The first thing she asked as she stared daggers at me was if I happened to have seen Sloane. My heart sank, thinking Sloane was in the house and could have heard what went down in the kitchen.
Kierran had had a few too many beers and wasn’t taking no for an answer. My sister saw me do up my fly just as Kierran brushed past her. Flynn read the situation wrong. I told my sister off the bat that nothing happened, but she seemed skeptical, which was odd. I followed Flynn through the house as she searched for Sloane, but the woman I loved was nowhere to be found. I ran out the front door of Flynn’s house to see Sierra’s car taking off down the street, fast.
I tried calling Sloane’s cell, but she wouldn’t answer. Flynn tried too with no luck. Besides having my sister being royally pissed at me, a worse feeling began to gnaw its way through my chest. The thought of losing Sloane sent my pulse racing and spiked my adrenaline in a way that made my head spin. My relationship with her had been slowly burning, simmering under the surface for years before coming to a boil on the car ride to Canada. It erupted when we were back in Chicago. Now, I need her like I need air. Only I was too fucked up to get my shit together. Well, that is about to change.
When Sloane doesn’t answer my calls, I go to her apartment to find she isn’t there either. I go back to my apartment and down a half bottle of bourbon. Not my best moment, but I have to figure out the mess in my head, and after two days of wallowing and listening to pep talks from Myles, I know one thing: I am in love with Sloane Carmichael. That’s when I call my sister, because I need her help if I am going to win Sloane back.
Sloane may hate me, but there is no way she would turn away from Flynn. She told Flynn she was heading home. It takes a lot of convincing for my sister to believe that I have the best of intentions where Sloane is concerned. Flynn watches out for her something fierce, but my sister finally caves and tells me where she is. Of course Flynn, being Flynn, has her exact home address.
With an address in hand, I do the first thing that comes to my mind: I drive to the airport and get on a flight with a standby ticket. From the Kansas City International airport, I take a cab to Sloane’s father’s house. Although Sloane made it clear to my sister she never wanted to see me again, I know deep in my heart that I cannot let her go. As confused as my mind has been about settling down, my heart knows Sloane Carmichael is the only woman for me.
When I arrive at her house, her father tells me that she has just stepped out and gives me the address to the cemetery I now stand in. The last four days have felt like a tsunami, and I don’t know why Sloane is in a cemetery, but I damn well intend to find out.
The cabbie stops along a paved road and I spot Sloane from a distance. I pay the cabbie and step outside while keeping my distance to just observe her, because I don’t know what all this means. The way she leans on the gravestone. The way her shoulders shake like she must be crying. I don’t know who she’s lost or that she’s lost someone important in her life at all but seeing her so sad, broken over whoever it is, tears me up and before I know it, I am taking small steps toward her. Inching my way closer and closer until her voice comes in earshot. I know I shouldn’t be eavesdropping but the pain in her voice and the words falling from her lips pull at something so deep and broken inside me, making me feel
like I am in a trance.
I should announce myself; she is clearly having an intimate conversation with the person who has died, and I have no right to listen in, yet there is something in her words, the shock of his death, the anger she feels about him leaving her that holds me in place. I barely breathe as I feel her pain through her words, and as much as I want to run up to her and never let her go, I also know what goodbye sounds like, and Sloane needs to say goodbye to Parker. She must have really loved him. It’s crazy but listening to her conversation with Parker makes me feel jealous because he was it for her. They had planned a life together, and it makes me wonder how I fit into the equation even though Parker is clearly deceased. It hurts me to think I am a second to her first love.
I don’t know how to react, so I stand still in my spot and just absorb her words. Then she confesses to being pregnant and tells him she loves me, and my heart comes alive in a way I can’t explain. I feel like I’ve come full circle and am finally home. It doesn’t make sense to me, but the way she speaks about me to him makes me realize she loves me as much as I love her, and although the me of even a few days ago may have been freaked out to hear about a baby, the me of right now wants to pick up the mother of my child in my arms and kiss her into forever. All my apprehensions and fears melt away.
And so I stand here in tears, watching her break. I’m speechless and utterly in love. And it isn’t only the love I want to embrace right now, but the clarity I feel in my own mind for the first time in a long time.
As Sloane says goodbye to Parker, I picture her with a round belly and daydream of a day when I will wake up beside her every morning and raise a child together.
I don’t realize my feet are moving until she picks her head up and turns around to look at me, her green eyes wide, unsure, yet filled with a mixture of love and pain.
I finally close the steps between us. No words are spoken when I swipe at her tears with my thumb.
“Oli, I . . .” She starts but pauses to look down to the ground, clearly embarrassed, before lifting her gaze to mine. “How much did you hear?”
“Everything,” I exhale, and then I smash my lips to hers, the salt of our tears mingling together. She hesitates for a brief moment before embracing the kiss, melding her lips to mine. It feels so painfully sweet and tender as the pain we both carry is expressed through the kiss in a way words cannot convey.
“Oli,” she exhales into my mouth, and I sense her nerves.
“It’s okay, beautiful.” I try to ease her fears, her insecurities with my words, but she breaks the kiss and presses her forehead to mine.
“Oli,” she says again. “I’m pregnant.” Her warm breath brushes across my lips. “I understand if this changes things for you.”
“Oh, baby. You have no idea how happy I am right now. How much I want you. How much I want this baby.” I hold her face in the palms of my hands.
Her eyes are round and disbelieving, even though I see her need to believe my words. She moves her lips, but no words escape. She furrows her brows. “I can’t do this with you. I mean, I heard you with a woman in Flynn’s kitchen and . . . I can’t. I mean . . . I’m not built that way. I can’t share you. I fully intend to raise this child on my own. I won’t ask you for anything . . .” She trails off, her lower lip trembling.
“Shorty.” I slouch down so that her eyes hold mine. “Listen to me, baby. Nothing happened between me and Kierran. She is Dave’s sister. He asked me to give her a ride to the party since he and Kelsey were out of town. I have a past with her, but I am not lying to you when I say I haven’t touched a woman since the day I came to see you at your Krav Maga class. Yes, she came onto me, but I rejected her. I didn’t want her. I only want you, and I know I’ve messed up with the way I handled things, but I’m hoping that you can find it in your heart to trust me and forgive me. I shouldn’t have given her a ride. I should have known she would try something. I’m going to be more cautious from here on out.”
Sloane shakes her head, causing my stomach to sink. “I don’t know. I’m pregnant. I’m carrying a baby.” She laughs, and it sounds like she’s disbelieving herself as tears spill down her cheeks. “It’s serious, Oli. I need to make a plan . . . I need to be a good mother . . .” She shakes her head some more as her tears intensify and wrack through her body. I grip her in my arms. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” she admits. “I’m freaking terrified. My mom . . . she wasn’t the warmest, most loving person on Earth. She fulfilled what she felt was her duty and then lived her life the way she wanted. What if I’m like her? What if I’m not cut out to be a mother?”
“Sloane.” I run my fingers through her hair. “I’m fucking scared shitless about this baby.” I know it’s the wrong thing to say, but it’s the truth. That buys me a burst of laughter.
“That’s not making me feel better,” she chides, pulling away from me to wipe her tears. At least I have her smiling.
“I know.” I shrug. “But I can tell you this. I promise to love you and be by your side. I promise to love this baby. I promise I will never intentionally leave you alone,” I say, and tears well in my eyes again. She knows exactly what I mean by the last part. The reason for my previous anxieties about our relationship. The idea that life is so unpredictable and we don’t know what will happen tomorrow.
She smiles sadly. “That sounds like a pretty solid offer.” She leans up to hug me.
“I love you.” I whisper in her ear.
Her eyes tear up some more. “I’m sorry. Pregnancy hormones make me extra emotional. I could’ve sworn you just said you loved me.”
I laugh. “That’s because I love you, Sloane Carmichael. I’d ask you to marry me right now, but I don’t want to freak you out.”
“I love you too, Oli.” She presses a soft kiss to my lips, then she takes a deep breath. “I haven’t told Dad I’m pregnant yet. You know, with him being a pastor, and me being single and pregnant and all,” she mumbles.
My eyes widen. “Shit. I mean technically I just met your dad but now I need to meet him as your significant other. I’ve never really met the parents of a girlfriend before. Definitely not one that I’ve knocked up.” I run my hand over the stubble on my chin.
Sloane bursts into laughter.
“Do you think maybe we can wait to tell him until I have a ring on your finger?” I ask nervously.
“Oli, you don’t need to marry me. I mean, we don’t need to rush into anything. I’m happy to just be with you,” she says.
“Sloane . . .” I exhale. “You aren’t pressuring me into anything. When the cabbie dropped me off here, I didn’t have a specific plan in mind other than to confess how deeply in love with you I am, but then I heard you talking to . . .” I pause, “Parker.”
Her eyes sadden again. “He was my childhood best friend . . . and then—”
“You don’t have to tell me if you aren’t ready,” I say.
She laughs but it has a sad undertone. “Oli, I haven’t even spoken to Flynn about Parker. He’s my deep, dark secret. He’s the reason I didn’t sleep with anyone until you.” Her words drift off, and she shakes her head. “It’s time that I spoke about Parker. It’s time I put him in my past where he belongs.”
“I’m here to listen,” I say, placing an arm around her shoulder.
She begins to tell me about her childhood best friend and the first boy to steal her heart.
“Should I be jealous?” I interrupt.
She laughs. “What he and I shared was a love experienced by children. What you and I have is a love that lifetimes are built on,” she replies, and my heart expands just a little more for the feisty brunette beside me.
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
She punches me playfully in the chest. “Don’t tell me that you, Mr. Sexy Hockey Player, are jealous.”
“I was. I heard how you spoke to him. All your raw emotion and love for him, and I was fucking jealous,” I admit.
Her response is to kiss me.<
br />
“Let’s get out of here. We have a lifetime to figure out our messed-up pasts. Now, I’d like to get the mother of my child to a hotel room where I can feed her and take care of her.” I look down to her. “You are allowed to have sex with a baby inside you, right?”
She laughs at me and shakes her head.
“What? My dick has become all too familiar with massage oil and my right hand,” I snicker.
Flames ignite in her green eyes. “Why does the visual of you getting yourself off make me so hot?” she asks. I don’t have time to answer before she adds, “Pregnancy has made me more horny than usual.”
“Fuck,” I curse, now that sex is fully on the table. Things are about to get interesting. “Where are your keys?”
She reaches into a purse draped across her shoulder. “Here. Why?”
“I’ll drive. You do a search to find the closest hotel,” I explain.
“Oli, I have my dad’s car. I have to go home and return it,” she explains.
“Meaning I need to officially meet your father. I introduced myself as your friend. We need to set that straight.” I swallow hard.
“Yes, is that a problem?” She giggles.
“As long as we don’t tell him you’re knocked up yet, it isn’t.”
“I haven’t said anything to him. We can wait, but I need to tell him soon,” she replies.
“Soon is good.” I wink.
We head back to her father’s place. I drive with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand holding Sloane’s.
“You aren’t planning on sleeping in his house, tonight, are you? I mean we can’t have sex there, and we need to have sex,” I murmur.
“We need to have sex,” she confirms. “Definitely not under my dad’s roof.”
“Phew. I swear my dick is about to explode from just the thought of being inside you. It’s been so damn long.” I give her a sidelong glance to see she’s squirming in her seat. “You turned on?” I ask, and I feel the heat in my eyes as I watch her cheeks redden.
Butt Ending: A Big Stick Novel 2 (Standalone) Page 24
