by Kat T. Masen
Phoebe stands beside me, the two of us silent and running our fingers along our mouths to show we’ll behave. Liam relaxes, until Phoebe points to another item on the shelf. “Tampax? For an extra heavy flow?”
I burst out laughing, tears streaming from my eyes until my breaths slow down and I stare at the box in front of me. Periods…periods…when was my last period?
I can’t seem to focus; Phoebe’s cackling about something else but my mind won’t stop questioning. When the fuck did I last get my period?
September…October…
August.
My focus becomes incredibly clear; my hands moving towards my breast and cupping them. They’re large, tender, and unusually sore. The beat of my heart begins to race uncontrollably, the room spinning in circles yet fixated on the one blue box right in front of me.
Pregnancy test.
The bile rises, my stomach churning, and without notice, the acid runs up, into my throat and onto the ground with a large gurgle.
“Milly! Are you okay?”
In a state of shock, I knew what my head refuses to compute. The signs were all there, and I was a fool to think he couldn’t find his way back to me.
And this time, he played the ultimate game.
Created my nightmare inside of me.
I wished often, just like now, that my memory would fade.
Disappear into the still of the night. If I could take away Mom’s disease, I gladly would and feel it myself. For I didn’t want to remember. Not the moment when my life changed forever. And not the moment when I began to despise the man that consumed me whole.
“The baby’s heart rate is high. We need to take you to the OR, now.”
Mom and Phoebe clutch both hands, worriedly. Around me, there’s chaos. Beeping monitors and people hustling. The nurse is young; doesn’t look a day older than me. What would she know? She didn’t look like she had been through this, and I didn’t like the way she had a gleam of panic in her eyes.
I catch a fleeting stiffening of Mom’s face. Her hand is gripping mine; her knuckles almost stark white. I want to tell her everything will be okay but I would be lying. I didn’t know if everything would be okay. This could be the beginning or the end.
“But she’s only thirty-five weeks, surely that can’t be safe for the baby.”
A man—attractive with two cute dimples nestled into his ebony skin—places a needle into my wrist, stabbing me and wrapping some tape to secure it. For someone who stabs people for a living, it would have been polite to ask me if needles freaked me out.
“It’s safe enough. We have no choice, the baby appears distressed. You’re in the best hands. Now, do we have the father here?”
Phoebe jumps quickly. “No, she has me. I’ll be the dad.”
The nurse says nothing, and with some additional help, she wheels me to the door and tells us only one can enter the operating room.
“I want my mom,” I cry, openly.
“I’m here Milly, right here.”
With her hand grasping mine, I sob, “Mom, I’m scared.”
She hushes me, kissing my forehead. “You’re a brave girl. This baby is going to be loved so much. I promise you, you’ll change forever and feel nothing like the love for this baby.”
Nodding my head, I lay back, and stare at the ceiling while the surgeon begins. The voices that surround me are muffled; I’m too focused on this tugging of my body, and after what seems like forever, a sound echoes loudly in the room, wails from a baby.
“Congratulations, it’s a girl!”
Everyone in the room cheers; Mom grinning so big with clouded eyes. She begins to laugh, a joyous laugh that I hadn’t heard in such a long time.
“She’s beautiful.”
The nurse, smiling wide, brings her over to me, the baby’s face making contact against my own.
She’s stopped crying, squinting her eyes and blinded by the light. It’s all surreal; the elation in the room and the overjoyed miracle of birth. But I’m exhausted, waiting for this moment of love to wash over me like everyone said it would. There’s something that stirs, an unknown emotion but all I see is his face.
All I see is him.
“I’m so proud of you honey, I told you, you’ll fall in love from the moment you see her.”
I smile, forced. “You’re right Mom, that’s exactly how I feel.”
That moment remains crystal clear. The moment that every woman dreamed about…just not me. I never wanted babies. I never wanted to have a family and pass on Mom’s disease. No one, and I mean no one, understood the pain of watching their mother suffer as much as I did. Each time, each memory loss, fueled my sadness and threw me deeper into a depression.
And just when I began to climb out, see a small ray of light—the nightmare continues its wretched domination.
She’s lying beside me; dressed in a little pink bunny outfit that Phoebe insisted she wear. Her face has changed, a chubby little girl with light eyes and wispy brown hair. Something about her face, something I couldn’t quite distinguish—reminded me of him. It was the shape of her eyes, perhaps, nothing like my almond shape. Or maybe it was her tiny hands, the shape of her nails that mirrored his.
I still thought about him.
Every day.
Every time I looked at her.
She stirs, softly, and when that stir is the beginning of a cry, I scoop her in my arms. I’m tired. She didn’t take to sleeping well and my breasts didn’t produce the milk like it should have. I felt like a failure; a sign that I wasn’t cut out to be a mother. I wasn’t sure when I last washed my hair, or even shaved my legs.
It was all about her. Just me and her.
I watch her again, and surely, she must know I’m complaining about her as a sweet smile plays on her lips. My heart begins to flutter, my smile in tow. I laugh, softly to myself, wishing Mom could see this.
Quickly, hoping to recap this moment, I place her in her carrier and head over to visit Mom. She loved seeing Katerina and I was excited, for once, to have her in my arms.
It’s a short drive over, enough to keep Katerina settled. The moment I arrive, a doctor ushers me in, asking me to take a seat.
“Miss Milenov, we wanted to speak to you in private.” He removes his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “Unfortunately, we received your mother’s results back and they aren’t good.”
My stomach omits a sick growl, making it difficult to breathe and focus. “What’s…what’s wrong?”
“We found a tumor, beside her brain. It’s cancerous and has spread. We can’t operate.”
My hands begin to shake; his words absolute nonsense. “What do you mean you can’t operate?”
“It’s spread, and it’s too late, I’m sorry.”
I shake uncontrollably. “How long…how long do we have?”
“It’s a difficult question. I can’t really ans—”
“ANSWER ME!”
Katerina jolts at my scream, crying in symphony inside her carrier.
“Anywhere between months to years. I’m sorry.”
Her cries amplify, and with my anger gripping me, I pick her up and hush her, rocking her back and forth with no luck. The doctor suggests that she take her off my hands, but I pull her back, warning her not to touch my baby.
“Miss Milenov. We have counselors on site, I think it’s best you talk to them and maybe get someone to help you with the baby. It’s going to be a difficult time.”
Staring down at her face, unaware that my tears are falling onto her blanket—my mind becomes increasingly clear.
If I had to choose between her and Mom, I would choose Mom in a heartbeat.
I squeeze my head between my legs, desperately trying to erase all the memories. The darkness should have cured me. Running away from everything was my only answer. I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I couldn’t even give birth like a normal mother should have nor could I even breastfeed. And that bond, the supposedly unconditional love that you feel—it was missing.<
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No, I made the right decision. Flynn would help, he promised me he would. He wouldn’t let me down. I just needed to be alone, and needed to find a way to stop Mom from dying anytime soon.
There’s a rustling in the bush; it echoes loudly in the still of the night. Maybe my time is up, a wild animal ready to feast on me and eat up my soul. Yeah, I should be so fucking lucky.
And then, the dead silence becomes heavy breathing. In and out. Strong, heavy, and with a familiar beat.
My mind is playing tricks on me. Hallucinating from the surge of emotions that gripped me moments ago.
“It’s you,” the voice whispers, not to frighten me.
In a heart’s beat, my pulse races furiously. Another memory, another piece I wanted to so desperately forget. He’s here, he has found me. I’m terrified, I cannot look at him. I didn’t need his judgement on top of everything else.
“Will you say something, please?”
I check my shoelaces, making sure they’re tight. Like a well-tuned engine, my heartrate accelerates, sending waves to my brain that begin the adrenalin rush. Without lifting my head, I try to remember which path to take through the dense bushland. If I needed to escape him, it would need to be quick.
Three…two…one.
I run, my arms moving at rapid speed, the sticks beneath my feet breaking. He’s yelling; birds flying from their nests with fear, but I run, I don’t need him. My life is better without him. I could do it all on my own.
My body is yanked backwards, and with my breath caught into my throat, he turns me around and smacks me into his chest, suffocating me.
I can’t breathe.
I smell only him.
I feel only him.
My willpower fails me, and with a heavy scream, I sob into his chest—slamming my fists into his body like I’m beating a drum. Part of me wants to escape him, hurt him, and push him away and out of my space. But the other part of me, in an exuberant amount of pain, remains in his arms though trying to fight how comforted he made me feel at this moment.
“Milana, please stop, I beg you.”
I can’t. Hysterical but so hopelessly sad that he was here. It takes me moments; my chest heaving loudly inside his embrace. He’s trying to protect me, but he can’t stop Mom dying…no one can.
Softly, and with a gentle touch, he lifts my face. My eyes have swelled, and with only the moonlight hovering over us, we both search each other until our eyes meet and my whole world falls into his hands.
I love him.
I can’t deny that.
“Don’t run away from me, please, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
The cries that escape me are driven by fear; the hurt seeping out in every tear.
“I’m terrified. I’m terrified of loving my baby and her losing me one day, just like I’m losing my mom. I can’t live without her…I don’t want her to die!!”
I choke; the sobs punching through me as the raw pain begins to tear away at me again.
“You won’t lose her, you need to love her, just like your mom loves you.”
The tip of his thumb swipes beneath my eye; his expression compassionate and overcome with worry as his brows draw together. In an attempt to calm my raging emotions, I take a moment to examine him, instantly noticing his gaunt cheeks. Now I wanted to touch him; feel his skin beneath my fingertips for my own selfish reasons.
“Milana, I was a fucking idiot to not understand how much you love your mom and gave up everything for her. She’s special, I’ve known her for two minutes and in my whole life, no one, aside from you, has made me feel accepted. So I get it, I get everything you’re feeling right now. And you know what, I’m jealous. You had so many years and memories with her.” He gazes at me, longlingly yet the pain is transparent. “I should have been there for you. God, I just kept fucking up, you know. I mean, Carson…fuck, I just should have—”
“Stop.” I place my hand on his chest, my turn to ease his pain. “I shouldn’t have questioned your relationship with your mother. You have every right to be upset, angry and everything else you feel towards Gina. I should have understood that, after all, it’s how I feel towards my dad. But the thing is, you can’t blame yourself for her actions. You didn’t choose that childhood Wesley, but you can choose how you live your life as an adult.”
“I miss you. It fucking killed me when you left.”
I sigh. “I had to. We were toxic.”
“But now?”
My finger moves towards his face, caressing the scar on his jawline. I missed it; a flaw yet a piece of him that is unique and only belonged to him. Suddenly, my brain reacts, remembering his words only moments ago.
“You met my mom?”
“Yes.” He smiles, wrapping his hands around the back of my neck and casually resting them there. “And I plan on spending as much time with her while I can.”
Again, this all seems rushed and far-fetched. He wanted to spend time with Mom after meeting her for two minutes. Did he think this was how he could woo me back? And then, the giant elephant that had been in my own room—or should I say head—for the last nine months has suddenly made its way in front of the both of us.
“The baby…” I mutter, trying to find a way to explain all of what happened.
“Yes.” He sighs. “You really threw a giant curveball at me. I never, in my wildest dreams, expected something like that. The last twenty-four hours have been the most intense hours of my entire life. I mean, fuck, Milana, she’s our baby. You had a baby, and she’s mine.”
“God, Wesley, I don’t even know where to begin with telling you—”
He cuts me off, placing his finger against my lips. “I want to be wherever you and Katerina are. You are my family, you are my life. I’ve known her for one day and I can’t imagine life without her.”
“You spent a day with her?”
“Yes.” This time, he caresses my cheek, softly, watching his hand glide against my tear-streaked patchy skin. “I’ve barely slept.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. We were just so fucked up, you know. And when we were together it was like a high. I just forgot everything existed and then you left and I went back to the old me. I don’t blame you, in a way, for hiding this from me.”
Wesley pulls away, and instantly—I miss the contact. He rubs his face with his hands, perhaps the exhaustion weighed down his emotions much like me. “I’m not going to hide that, Milana, or lie to you. I wasn’t good during our time apart and I need help, I need to find a way to deal with my demons and not keep feeding them.”
“I should have helped you.”
“Don’t you hear what I’m saying?” His tone turns into frustration. “We are both hurting for different reasons and we both need help. If we’re going to be together, we both need to work on ways to move forward.”
Instinctively, my hand reaches out to him, grazing his arm with the palm of my hand.
“Play the game, by the rules, and everyone’s a winner.”
“Yeah, but you gotta be honest. Tell me what you want. You.” He points to my heart, forcing me to look deep within myself and ask the question that I had so easily buried beneath all the pain.
“I want to learn to bond with our daughter, but I also want to give Mom her dying wishes,” I croak, bowing my head down, “I just can’t be everything to everyone.”
“You know what?” He lifts my chin, knowingly capturing me with his luring stare. “Knowing Katya, and I think I can say I do, you’ve granted her wish. She just wants to see you love, and love her granddaughter just like she loves you. Anything else, is a bonus.”
The corner of my lip curves upwards, a smile in tow as the tears slowly dissolve. “Like visiting the Colosseum and kissing an Italian man?”
“Yes.” He grins, eyes beautifully lighting up with joy. “I’m sure we can make that happen.”
“Or cuddling a koala in Australia?”
“Yes, although I heard they are fierc
e and can claw your eyes out, but sure, we can.”
I take a step back, analyzing his body mannerisms to see if this was all a scam to get me back into his life. In the short time we had spent together, I had never expected this to happen. Fall in love with a man so wrong for me, and me so wrong for him, then create this family.
“You would do that? Give up everything to spend these next few months with my mom…Flynn included?”
Extending his hand, he reaches for my shirt and pulls me into his body. As soon as it touches his, that jolt—the sensation that happens every time his body touches mine—kickstarts my heartbeat and makes my stomach flutter all in that one moment. With a soft, tender scrape of his thumb against my bottom lip, he moves in closer and grazes his lips against mine, kissing me deeply as the whimpers of anticipation become trapped in our kiss.
My hands move towards the back of his head; clutching his hair as I had done so many times before but this time—I allowed myself to succumb to the moment, missing him terribly and questioning my need to escape him when it becomes so painfully obvious that he is the only man I’ve ever loved.
His lips are warm, and each time we pull apart, our breathing is shaky and shallow.
We both needed each other like the air we breathe. Without it, we had no chance of survival.
In the cool of the night, nestled between the tall dark trees and surrounded by no one besides each other, we kiss as if our lives depend on it. Both of us so desperate to regain the last nine months we had lost.
Wesley moans into my mouth, placing his hand on my shoulder then sliding them up and settling on my neck. Pulling away, slowly, he rests his forehead against mine, catching his breath.
“For once, I can say money does buy happiness. I would spend every cent I own to give your mom the final moments she deserved. As for Flynn, he’s like the brother I never had.”
Resisting the urge to kiss him, and control my ravenous breathing which becomes more difficult as each moment passes, I manage to whisper wanting reassurance, “You would do that?”
“I want it all. You, family, happiness, your mom with us…hell, buy a house next door to Phoebe’s.”
