The house Roman managed to rent us is lovely. I’m content here, it’s homey, and I can breathe easy. Roman’s MC brothers helped painted and decorate the place and kit it out with new furniture within a few days. Everyone pulled together for us, and I have never been more grateful.
My baby girl has the best princess bedroom any little girl could wish for. Not that she knows what the hell is going on, but she sleeps so well in her room. I wish I’d been there to watch those big burly men setting up baby furniture. However, it’s Taylor that I had to thank, for how wonderful it all looks. Roman told me how Taylor spent hours making sure Romany’s room was perfect. I did thank her, and she smiled at me and told me that I was more than welcome.
Roman has been fantastic since I came back to Bardsville. After the way I’ve been treating him since Romany was born, I thought he was going to walk away from me. Yes, I’m confused about what I want right now, but the thought of Roman leaving me scared me to death, and I begged him not to go.
I have no idea what I’m going to do, and I know I can’t keep putting this off, but I’m scared of what Roman will do when I tell him the truth about Marcus. I am going to tell him, and soon because it can’t wait any longer. As soon as his mother leaves, I’m going to tell him the truth. I know Roman, and I could have a wonderful life here. However, I think about what Marcus said about the hellish life I’m thrusting on Romany. Can I really allow her to grow up with a man who kills?
Okay, Roman doesn’t go around killing every damn day of his life, but he’s accountable for the death of at least three people, maybe more, I wouldn’t know. He’s hurt more people than I can count in one way or another, and that scares me.
Then there’s the fact that every time Roman touches me, be it a simple kiss to my head, his arm around me as I feed Roman, or holding me in bed, I feel physically ill. Not because of Roman, but because I can’t stop thinking about Marcus. I still love him so much it hurts. Though I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I don’t know if I feel guilty for being with Roman, or guilty because Marcus and I have unfinished business. Then it makes me question whether I’m actually in love with Roman or if I’m just clinging to him for Romany’s sake.
If that’s the case, why would I have begged him not to leave me the other night? I’m confused and scared, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
All I know is that I have to find out. I need to see Marcus again because I need to know if the spark is still there or if it’s just lingering doubt. Am I missing him because I was ripped from him so carelessly, or do I love him still so much that I need to be with him?
I’ve thought about being with Marcus again, how good it would feel if he held me all night long the way he used to. I’ve thought about him kissing me again, making love to me. What life would be like if we were together again, and I smile each time I think about it. Then I remember how he could act toward me, and that makes my stomach burn with fear.
But then I think about what it would be like not to have Roman, not to feel his arms around me, his lips on mine, and it kills me inside.
I’ve even compared the way Roman makes me feel when we’re intimate. Not the actual sex because that happened once when I was messed up, but the soft way he used to touch my face when he came to see me at the cabin, or the way he held me while we danced. The sweet way he spoke to me when I was so terrified after Bulldog was killed.
Then there’s the way Marcus made me feel when he did the same things. I have a lot more experience with sex where Marcus is concerned, but does that mean I should choose him?
Regardless, now I have Romany, and she has to come first. Whomever I choose has to be right for not only me; they have to be right for my daughter. Her father is the obvious choice, but I can’t say that he’s right for me one hundred percent right now.
What if I stay with Roman and come to realize that I belong with Marcus?
How will I manage to leave Roman with my daughter?
I don’t think he’d kill me, but I’m not sure he wouldn’t kill Marcus.
Maybe I should take my daughter and get the hell away from the both of them, at least until I’ve sorted my damned head out. This whole situation is driving me crazy, and I don’t know what the hell to do!
Ever wished you had a crystal ball and you could look into it and see the future?
You know, one that actually worked and you could see where you’re life would take you in a year or two’s time?
That’s what I wish right now because if I had one, I’d know what the hell to do and I could stop this sick feeling inside of me. It’s so bad that I can’t eat, and I can’t sleep. I need both things to keep up with a newborn.
I’m not looking forward to my talk with Roman, but as I said, I have to tell him sooner rather than later. I cannot go on the way I have been it’s just not fair to anyone.
“Is there anything wrong, Marley?” I shake my head at Leona, even though there is so much wrong right now.
“Can I hold your baby now, Roman? Please?” I smile at Leah as she anxiously holds her arms out for Romany.
Roman takes the baby from his mother and walks over to his sister. “Sit back in your sit.” She does with an excited squeal. I smile as Roman gently lays our daughter in Leah’s arms. “Support her head.”
“She’s so beautiful, Roman. Mommy, look how beautiful Romany is!”
“I can see, sweetheart.”
I can’t take the smile off my face as I watch Leah with Romany. She’s going to be a wonderful aunt. Leah’s autism prevents her mental age progressing past the age of twelve, and though she’s physically almost thirty-one, she will always be childlike. “I love you so much, Romany. Can I show Romany to Merlin? He will love her so much, Roman!”
“Soon, princess.” He smiles. Merlin is Leah’s service dog. He’s always with her, but Roman let him out back for a while.
“You look like you have something on your mind, Marley.” I shake my head at Leona. I have a lot on my mind, but nothing I want to speak to her about. “Don’t worry about the barbecue; I can handle it.”
“Barbecue?” What barbecue?
“Roman and I thought it would be a good way to get everyone together. My parents can’t make it; sadly. They weren’t given enough notice.”
“Thought it would be nice to welcome Romany to the family officially. You don’t mind, do you?” I shake my head at Roman, even though I mind terribly. I don’t want people around me today. I want to talk to Roman about Marcus before I lose my bottle.
“When is it?”
Roman looks at the clock on the wall. “Hour or so.”
What the hell?! And he didn’t think to let me know before now? I bite the inside of my cheek to hide my annoyance. I don’t want to say anything in front of Leona. I could strangle Roman, though, doesn’t he realize I’m not in the mood for a barbecue?
“Would you mind if I take a shower first? I feel a little...” I look down at the shirt I’m wearing, covered in baby puke. I look like crap. No one told me this baby thing made you look like hell all the damn time. I don’t feel good about myself at all right now, and it’s like Roman doesn’t even notice how uncomfortable I am with all of this.
Roman takes the back of my neck and brings my forehead to his lips. He kisses me so softly, and I’m fighting back the tears with all that I have. I feel like a fraud being here with him. I do love Roman; I’m just confused about my feelings for Marcus and how they factor into all of this.
What am I going to do?
Get ready for the barbecue, Marley. You can worry about telling Roman about Marcus later.
I feel a little better after my shower.
Doesn’t a girl always feel better after washing her hair and shaving her legs?
I don’t need to dress in a particular way for these bikers, none of the other women do. I pull on jeans and a t-shirt, pull my now dried hair into a ponytail, and go in search of my baby.
The place is packet inside and out. Fuck me
, that was quick. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go because everywhere I move, there’s someone in my way. Not to mention my baby girl is being passed around like a doll, and I want to scream!
I look around at the people here, all smiling, all laughing, having fun, eating, and drinking. Kids are running around the house, squealing happily, and I know that’s how a family is supposed to be. However, I’m not used to all of this, I’m used to being alone, the peace and quiet.
If I’m honest, I feel really hot. I just want to grab my little girl and get out of here until all of this is over.
Would I even get out of here without someone stopping me?
I can’t even see Roman anywhere; it’s like he’s abandoned me. I should make the rounds and thank people for coming. They much all think I’m so rude, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t think I’ve seen this many people in one place in a long time. Bulldog used to have hundreds of people at his get-togethers, but this is different, these people are a family. I’ve never had a family like this before. It’s nice in its own way. If only I didn’t feel the way I feel right now, I know I’d be enjoying getting to know all of these people. Instead, I feel like I’m going to throw up!
“Everything okay?”
I nod at Elie. It’s not like I can tell her what’s going on with me right now, she’d never understand. No one would.
“You don’t look okay.” She smiles kindly, hand rubbing up and down my arm.
“I just... I don’t want to offend anyone.”
“Why would you offend anyone?”
“I’ve hardly said two words to anyone all afternoon, Elie.” I look around the room at the people milling around. “I just don’t know what to say. They’re all strangers to me.”
Elie smiles and rubs my arm. “I remember that feeling. It will get easier the more you’re around them, and they’re great, you’ll love them. Eventually.” She laughs while looking over at Ice and Ghost.
I chuckle because I remember Elie telling me how she found it hard to get close to them the way she had everyone else. Ghost always looks serious until he’s not, and Ice is a clown and can be an irritating prick. That’s Elie’s analysis of the two of them, not mine; I don’t know them well enough to make that assumption.
“I am older than you and a boy!” Elie and I both turn in the direction of young children arguing behind us. “You can’t join. Ever!”
“Yes, I can! You stupid pig!”
Two small children, Gabriel, and Dana, Roman’s three-year-old cousins, come storming over to where Elie and I are standing. Gabriel is Hawk’s son, and Dana is Taylor and BlackJack’s little girl, making her Gabriel’s aunt, even though he’s a couple of months older than she is. Dana is definitely a force to be reckoned with. She doesn’t let anyone tell her what to do, she’s so very strong-minded, and she makes me smile.
People have started to gather around the two youngsters, amused smiles on their faces as the kids argue back and forth.
“Girls can’t join, Dana.”
“Well, I can. My Daddy said so.”
“Papaw just tells you that to make you shut up!”
Dana folds her arms around herself and narrows her eyes. “Did you call my Daddy a liar?” Gabriel nods his head. “My Daddy is not a liar!”
“That’s enough! What is going on here?” Taylor asks. Both kids talk over each other in their quest to be heard first. “One at a time! Gabriel, why don’t you start?”
“Dana says she’s going to be a Snake when she’s older, but she can’t.”
“Yes, I can, my Daddy said!”
“Well, my Daddy said you can’t!”
Elie looks at me and shakes her head. “Don’t worry, babe, they’re always like this.” She chuckles.
Taylor tries talking to the kids, trying to calm them down, but the two of them are just getting angrier and angrier. Shepard, BlackJack, Hawk, and Wrench enter the room to see what all the fuss is about.
I watch the scene in front of me and wonder if Romany will ever be as headstrong as Dana. She’s a beautiful little girl, who will grow to be a woman not to be messed with.
“Tell him that I can join when I’m bigger, uncle Shepard.”
“Tell her that she can’t, uncle Shepard!”
“Dana. Gabriel,” Shepard smiles while shaking his head. “Since when does family argue like this?”
“Since this pig thinks only boys can join Snakes Henchmen. I am as good as any boy, Wrench said so!”
“Well, Wrench is a stupid piece of shi...”
“Gabriel!” I press myself back against the kitchen island as Brooke pushes past me.
“Oh, dear,” Elie whispers toward me. “Someone’s in trouble, and it’s not just Gabe. Whoever taught him what he almost just said will lose their balls.”
I don’t doubt it.
“Where did you hear such language?”
To me, such a question is ridiculous. The boy is part of a motorcycle club; surely he’s heard all sorts? I know Devils Roadkill, and its members didn’t care how they spoke in front of, or even to their children. Hell, the kids of the club were foulmouthed as much as the adults.
“Mommy?”
“What is it, DJ?”
“It wa Daddy tesh Gabe bad word.”
“Oh, he did, did he?” Brooke’s eyes shoot to Hawk, who looks like he’s about to shit himself. I laugh behind my hand. Brooke will tear him a new asshole for this.
“DJ, you little...”
“Don’t you dare, Hawk Anderson!” Brooke berates her husband like a child, while little DJ stands behind her laughing at his father.
I turn away from everyone and let them alone to sort things out with the kids. I need some air; it’s so hot inside with all these people. I step outside and breathe in the fresh air. “Hey. Everything okay?”
I smile while nodding at Elie. “Just needed some air; it’s crazy in there.”
“Welcome to the family.” She laughs.
“I want to hold my daughter, but I can’t seem to get near her.” I’ve lost sight of Romany; she’s being passed around so much.
Elie holds her finger up to me and then rushes off. I sigh and take myself back to the kitchen. I need a drink, not an alcoholic one, I’ve never been a big drinker, plus I’m nursing, and I wouldn’t put my baby at risk.
I’m glad the kitchen has pretty much cleared out. It looks like Brooke defused the situation with Dana and Gabriel, and now they’re playing once again.
I’ve only taken a sip of my lemonade when Elie walks in and hands Romany to me. The smile on my face feels like it’s splitting my cheeks! I never knew I could love someone so much. I hug my baby girl to me and kiss her little cheeks over and over again while breathing her in. She smells like talc and baby soap, and I love her so much.
When I look at Romany’s little face, all I see is her Daddy; she’s his image. Just looking at her has me fighting back the tears. No matter what I do, I’m going to hurt Roman. He’ll blow up when I tell him the truth about Marcus, and I know I’ll lose Roman anyway. Even if I did choose him, he’d leave me, and I’d lose my daughter because I know he’ll take her from me.
However, I can’t be a coward and shy away from this because it just wouldn’t end well for any of us. No matter what, I’m going to lose, it’s inevitable.
* * *
It hasn’t been a bad day after all. Roman took me around to speak with everyone, and I have to say that I do like everyone, and they were all so lovely to me. The women of the club treated me like an old friend, and the men were polite to me. They’re nothing like Bulldog’s former club; those pigs were damn animals.
Everyone loves my daughter, and every single person commented on how much she looks like Roman.
I managed to eat a little food, and my belly certainly loved me for it. I even laughed a lot; I forgot everything that’s going on in my head for a while, and I had fun for the first time in forever.
When Rom
an wrapped his arms around me from behind while I was talking with Nova, Tank’s wife, I didn’t flinch. I wrapped my arms around him and smiled as he kissed my head. It felt natural, perfect.
However, as soon as everyone left, I began to think of Marcus and the fact he’s still waiting for me to contact him. He must have a lot of questions he needs answering, and only I can give him that.
I’ve cleaned up the mess that was left behind today, bathed my daughter and put her to bed. I’ve taken a shower myself, and now I’m waiting for Roman to come and join me in the den.
I’m so nervous, and I’m shaking horribly. I’m about to tell Roman the truth, and I’m praying he won’t hate me for this.
“God, that’s better. I love those fuckers, but it’s nice to shut off at the end of the day,” He kisses my head, a strand of his long wet hair touching my face as he does. “With my girls.”
Breathe, Marley. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. If your time with Bulldog taught you anything, it’s that.
“Roman, we need to talk.”
“Oh?”
I turn in my seat to face him, swallowing hard as I do. “This is hard for me, I don’t want you to hate me, but I have to tell you the truth.”
His eyes tell me that he thinks I’m leaving him, that I don’t really love him, and I hate the fact that what I have to say is going to sound just like that.
“Please listen to me, Roman. This is really important. Please try not to get angry with me.”
He takes my hand in his own, brings it to his lips and kisses my knuckles, and it breaks my heart. He’s been nothing but amazing with me since the day I met him. However, I have to do this or I will never know.
“Don’t be frightened to tell me whatever is on your mind, Marley. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
No matter what.
Even though I know he thinks that I’m breaking up with him, he’d still be here for me should I need him. This is so hard!
“Before Bulldog, I was engaged,” His facial expression hasn’t changed at all. I can’t read him at all, so I carry on. “Marcus and I had been together forever,” I smile to myself. “We had so many plans. We were both resident doctors, a few weeks away from our wedding. We were going to move into our new house as soon as we were married. We planned to have three kids, a big dog, vacations in LA and New York.”
Crucify Thy Demons: Snakes Henchmen MC Page 6
